How's your week been?
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I feel like I'm in the waning days of whatever freedom allowed me to transition, and that I or people like me will end up as genocide statistics in a ravaged world. It's been hard to get up every day.
I also feel that and I'm trying to figure out which country would be best to move to to avoid this threat
I feel that. I came to realise I was transfem earlier last year and I live on TERF Island, so we traded one transphobic government for another one. It's hard, and I'm still figuring out what I'm going to do about it 🙁
Same... I'm trying to get things sorted as soon as I can, and hopefully starting monotherapy soon, but even then I'm still gonna have to keep an eye on supply chains and government policies potentially forever from the look of things. I'm scared, for myself and everyone else both here and in the rest of the world. None of us asked for this but it's all framed like it's our fault somehow
scared :c
Me too female sign emoji hexadecimal, me too.
Hugs.
Good and bad. I seem to be stuck in a "I'm really happy with feminizing HRT, but I'm faking being a woman" brain loop. Having switched to patches I have the fun of titrating up again, so it might just be poor hormone levels making me feel shitty.
Went out the other day in as full girl-mode as I can manage. It was fun, and easily the least dissatisfied I've ever been with my appearance.
Wife is reluctant to use my new name. Which is a bit surprising since she's been supportive so far, so I guess I'll have to try to find out what's bothering her and (gently) explain that this is a big deal, and it's not going to go away.
Ewphoria! An older guy that knows me (but I'm not yet out to) said something that roughly translates to "you look so much like a woman I almost want to feel your ass." Which is, um, a weird thing to say. But kind of validating. So thanks, but no thanks, I guess?
Your comment made me realize with new clarity how much male relationships are built on a shock factor comedic antics and edgy humor, which include casual homophobia and misogyny, racism or just generally "punching down."
But also, ick.
I came out to the one person that matters most, and everything was OK. Like better than OK. What was the point of all that internal torture I put myself through? Finally feel like I can breathe again.
Still think the gods are having a huge laugh at my expense over the timing though.
Aww, that's great <3 I'm so glad it went well.
Edit: actually now that I come to think of it, the timing is probably not a coincidence -- it's the Streisand effect. All the transphobic noise at the moment has pushed transgender people into the public consciousness, and that has probably helped a lot of people figure themselves out. At least, I think it had a big part in cracking my egg. So thanks, crazy people!
In retrospect, it's funny to me now that I was feeling afraid and sick to my stomach to the point of shaking and nearly throwing up, and their response was just so relaxed and cool. I asked if they weren't surprised and the answer was no.
Like... WHO AM I FOOLING? ONLY MYSELF? DID EVERYONE ELSE GET THE MEMO FIRST?
Trying to move cause Ive been wanting start hrt but moving out of red hell seems Impossible so
It's... not great. I won't lie, I am pretty fucking scared right now. Europe is turning more right wing every day and I feel like it is all going to shit very soon.
Started seeing a counsellor to help me process stuff. Feels more productive than calling Samaritans again, but it's good they are there, v grateful. Being genderfluid is tiring because one moment I know what I want, clear as day, the next I don't feel it.
Trying to have fun with friends on discord just feels hollow now and I'm giving up. I also stupidly reached out to the only "friend" within an hour drive and got excuses again so got to feel bad about that too. It hurts more to be alone in a crowded voice chat and to repeatedly try to get together with friends only to get excuses and never have them try to spend time with you than it hurts to just give up, stop trying, and just suck it the fuck up and accept I'm better off isolated. Fuck. Hate everything about existing more or less and I just want to stop.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you can find new things and people that bring light to your life 🫂 I went through the same thing last year with my friend group Discord server. I started to notice that I was the only one inviting them to play, trying to find games that fit all their random criteria, and then feeling terrible when I'd get every excuse only for those excuses not to apply to other friends. Recommend a game - no interest, another friend recommends the same game, all the interest. I eventually realized I was just at a different place mentally and emotionally and left. They're still my friends, but being in a server that makes me feel alone just wasn't good for me. Started putting my time into new friendships, but I'm just lucky these new people reached out to me because I'm incredibly shy. Gaming with friends is probably my favorite activity in life - not having that right now makes me sad, but I do now have friends to do irl things, which makes me happy. I don't like reading, but I did start reading manga (all wlw/yuri) and would force myself out of the house to a local coffee shop to do that; that's how I meant my new friends!
Tired. Stuck.
I hit "fuck it" and bought parts for a new gaming rig before any stupid crap jacks up prices. Im overdue for some newer parts (ryzen 3800x and a used 2080 TI thats making noises) anyway. Should have everything by Friday except a new GPU. Hesitent to buy a new GPU because thats a lot.
Edit: Aaaand todays drama has made my mood fucking awful. Need to see about an ADHD evaluation ASAP, hopefully get my shit together sooner rather than later.
My week has been a little rough, but as an middle aged enbi who lived a storied life out in the south, I have been preparing for this for a few years now. I've better cultivated self care routines like turning off social media when I am feeling dysregulated by the influx of bad news and finding resistance in my own joy (Gardening and social work), I've been stockpiling/curating supplies for me and mine (medically and otherwise), I moved to parts of the US years ago where I have laid down roots and grown connections, and - most important of all, I have been putting all of my eggs into my local community, not just the LGBT+ community, but all local community. My neighbors, no matter their class, creed, or political alignment. It's made for some pretty difficult if not downright, uh, reprehensible talks, but sometimes living my authentic life comes with small minded questions. I've gotten better at setting my boundaries, disengaging or defending myself, and figuring out who and what situation is worth my limited time and joy.
This week has been, again, a lot but I remind myself that that is fascism's intentions. To overwhelm and demoralize, to cultivate a sense of fear and hopelessness - and that I have to fight that sensation when I see the barrage of bad news, to step away from that mire and breathe, do my best to cultivate the light within myself and others, that hope, connection, and, I don't know, purpose? I work to shape that fear, anger, and anxiety into a tool to keep me going during the rough times and it's coming in handy a lot right now.
All that to say, do not give up, friends. Hold on, hold out, hold off.