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Asklemmy @lemmy.ml FlyForABeeGuy @lemmy.dbzer0.com 1y ago

What are the worst names you could give a baby boy?

Hello you awesome people,

Friends are having a boy and everyone they know wants to push a name on the child. So I decided to be the best friend they could have and to offer only bad, ugly or horrendous names to the lucky parents so they could have a laugh. I already send them some names and dictators, Smeagol, Steve and Juan-Esteban.

So please, people or Lemmy, give me the worst names you could give a child, so that I can help them as a good friend!

Ps: don't worry, I've already planned some meals to drop off when the gremlin will be there to feed the parents. And some take-out vouchers so they won't get food poisoning

280 comments

X Æ A-12
- The only way to escape a name like that is to take a phallic rocket to mars and start a new colony
- The only winner here is his sister who's name was not as publicized. Exa Dark Siderael
  
  Sounds like a hidden boss in a final fantasy game
- How do you even pronunce that?
  
  No joke, it's pronounced Kyle. It's the Greek letter chi, the dipthong æ which is called an æsc (pronounced ash) that makes a sound similar to the "a" in "cat" but shorter, and A-12 stands for "alphabet 12" or the 12th letter of the alphabet which is L. So chi-æ-l or kinda like a two syllable "Kyle"
  
  Dixon.
  
  Shi-thead
  
  It's pronounced kyle
  
  I read they pronounce it Xavier
Bob, short for Bobert. So that every time he has to say his full name to anyone on the phone or fill out forms somewhere, he has to repeatedly explain that, no, it's not Robert, it's Bobert.
- Best one so far
- Extra points if you tell him it's because of Lauren Boebert, the classiest woman to walk this earth.
  
  /s
  
  Ted, get off of Lemmy.
- You monster.
- Ngl i have considered calling every Rob/Bob i know Bobert, but i like this idea better
  
  I knew someone who did that to me in high school. I hated him, for many reasons, mind, but that was one. I hated him enough to be almost glad his wife died. Not that I am, and nothing against her, just… fuck him.
  
  I’ve been called Bert by one guy, and sometimes I wonder if I should have run with that. Another guy would call me Rootbeer. I was totally fine with that, as you can see.
- Robert with a B
- Tombert.
Robert'); DROP TABLE Students;--
- Little Bobby Tables as we call him.
  
  Explanation for today's 10,000
Spez.
- Now that would just be cruel.
Sue.
- I dont know about that.
  
  See, this world is rough, and if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough. If a father knew he wouldn't be there to help his son along he could, hypothetically, give him that name, say goodbye, and know his son would have to get tough or die.
  
  That very name would then help to make him strong.
  
  Right but everyone would be like "haha sue like the song" and he'd get so annoyed
  
  I bet Sue'd be able to put up one hell of a fight.
- He'd hunt you down and beat the snot out of you!
- More like "Suetable"
X Æ A-12
- "Hello 911? I've just witnessed a murder."
Pubert
Adolf
- That wouldn't fly with the city clerk in Belgium. But then again, one can always try!
  
  Should have made a joke with "nein", but people would be Fuhrerious about it!
I once knew someone who refused to tell anyone the name they chose before the baby was born (absolutely valid choice, IMO). The grandpa-to-be chose to exclusively refer to the fetus as Beelzebub.
- That is normal around where I live, because you never know if it will be ~~alice~~ alive after birth. So I mostly see the name in the birth-card my friends usually send
  
  Alice Afterbirth is a great name for the placenta
  
  Where are you from? Chernobyl?
Spanko

Twallypod

Roooooo

Meganginipple

Nipple

Craig

Nart

Puddin

Sue

Ticksy

Ewwgross
- I do not have enough up votes for this
  
  'ay nart, wuh yew uh to tday spud
- I too have heard the legend of Spanko.
First, anything ending in -ayden. 2-4, I'm just going to list a few real names I've heard. Middles included.

Wynter Obsidian

Ocean Zebediah

Buck Shot
- Dude, "Buck Shot" is awesome. That kid is pretty much guaranteed to be an astronaut with a name like that.
  
  Or a gay porn actor. No in between options.
- Aaron Mayden?
  
  Mayden America
- We were gonna go with Winter Grace. Really-really. There are reasons. But, due to other reasons, kids didn't happen.
X Æ A-12
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz
- Grzegorz is a perfectly normal name, and it's not their fault if they have a difficult surname 😔
  
  It’s probably not even difficult in Poland either
- sounds like it could be a dortmund 2011 player
  
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfKZclMWS1U
Robert'); DROP TABLE Students;--
- The post clearly asked for the worst names, not the very best /s
- Little Bobby Tables, we call him.
- He said worst, not best.
Open a random page in any P. G. Wodehouse novel and you’re good to go! Gussie Fink-Nottle, Bingo Little, Kipper Herring, Stiffy Byng. Or, my personal fave, add in an extra letter like he did for his character Psmith, where, he explains, the “p” is silent, "as in pshrimp.”
- Those are awful names for people but fantastic names for bands.
Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke
- What?!? What a coincidence! My name is also Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke!
  
  Oh, hello! Can Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke come out to play?
  
  Username does not check out
- No guacamole either
A friend went with Gilbert, which seems like a strong contender.
- Gilli gilli!
- As someone who grew up in Gilbert, I suddenly feel dirtier.
Donald
- Hey that was my dad's name. Nothing wrong with being a Donald, worst case your name is a little bit dated.
Jimothy

Tomathan

Kevincent

Jachary

Esteburt

Stanthony
- Dr. Glaucomflecken taking notes over here...
Organ farm #17.
I know of someone who named her son "Scrotum".
- Gotta remember where you came from.
- Does he go by Scrotey, or Scrotes McGotes?
- Did she hate him or something?
  
  It was a debate show on Swedish public television probably a decade ago. They were debating what you should be allowed to name your children (or not). More specifically the name was "Pungen" which is the determined form in Swedish, i.e. more like "The Scrotum". I don't remember why she wanted to name her son The Scrotum, it might have been some weird pagan tribute to the father. But as I recall it didn't appear to come out of hate.
  
  The name had been denied by the Swedish IRS (which decides who can be named what). I remember there was another kid named "Laser" who had been approved.
- Did you ask why?
Biggus And then convince them to change their last name into Dikkus
There's a classic Japanese story about a boy called Jugemu Jugemu Gokō-no Surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyōmatsu Unraimatsu Fūraimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakōji-no Burakōji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shūringan Shūringan-no Gūrindai Gūrindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokonā-no Chōkyūmei-no Chōsuke. That's all the first name. No nicknames allowed.
- Monty Python version:
  
  Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.
  
  Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
  
  Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.
  
  Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
  
  I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
  
  Beat me to it!
- We grew up with the story of Rikki-Tikki Tembo No Sa Rembo Charibariruchi Pip-Peripembo.
  
  There was also this article recently about a Spanish Duke who was told he can’t give his daughter 25 names:
  https://greekreporter.com/2023/10/27/spanish-duke-shorten-daughter-25-word-long-name/
- And now the ending theme from Joshiraku is stuck in my head.
  
  That's how I first heard of it, and it really helped me memorise the full thing when saying it. The challenge is not doing the pause between the Shuringans or staggering the Chosuke.
- Yeah sure, Juju.
- Oh man this is stirring up some memories from early grade school about an English version of this that we used to sing about a boy with a long name and his younger brother.
  
  I always wondered if that was just the moral of the story: don't give your children long names. Which my parents did to me 😡
  
  I remember this too, part of the name was like "tik terry tembo"
- Three different transliteration schemes used in the same name.
Frothcunt
- I dunno, sounds like a solid Anglo-Saxon name, like Æthelstan.
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitzweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. Assuming they live in Ulm. If not, adjust name accordingly.
How about "Naughtius Maximus"?
We had a mother and baby possum on our fence that we nicknamed Methany and Rolexxus.
Alexa That's just gotta be annoying for everyone when your smart home device kicks into action every time your name is called.
- That's a pretty long name.
Any very foreign sounding name is a great contender: Ashurbanipal, Nebuchadnezzar, Nabopolassar.

Judas is a good option, too. I think it's even illegal to name your child Judas in Germany.

Any DBZ character works. Trunks in an english speaking country would be spot on.

For a tropical real life villain, Jair Bolsonaro.
Deuteronomy
Donald Trump Elon Musk
- Donon Trusk Eland Mump
J'nathan

Lester

Krang

Schawghn - pronounced Sean

Sponk - halfway between Spock and Spunk

Clippy

Korn

Hootenanny

Dan-The-Man - short for Danimal-The-One-And-Only-Manimal

Skeet
Any "creative" spelling of a common name.

e.g., Jahnithun.
- Le-a
  
  The "-" isn't silent
- Airwrecka
Chodebert
- Pubert
- Dilbert.
Rizz

Slaydolf
Kevin
- Were I'm from (Québec), this name is always associate with difficult hyperactive kids. It's like a running joke "This classroom is full of Kevin". One of my good friend is a Kevin, he find that quite funny.
  
  Down here in the states Kevin is normally associated with the Call of Duty demographic stereotype - a young (15-25) dumb pothead who drinks too much Monster and punches holes in drywall when he gets mad.
Just take any normal name and putt a z at the end to spice it up.

Kevinz Frankz Markz
Severus.
- The name of a guy that couldn't let go of one girl and was a dick to her innocent kid. Wicked!
Tikki Tikki Tembo-no Sa Rembo-chari Bari Ruchi-pip Peri Pembo
- Make sure to keep him away from any open wells
Pubert
Joey Jojo Junior Shabadoo
- That's the worst name I ever heard.
Philbert
- Hey now, filberts are a state treasure here in Oregon.
Breighdyn

Pronounced bray-den
- I'm upset that I pronounced that correctly without your explanation.
Still gotta go with Streetlamp LaMoose.
- I don't know, I heard he's doing okay.
- He said worst. Not best.
Sh'artgnan
💩. Gotta make sure the middle name is an emoji too, none of this "he can go by his middle name if he doesn't like his first name" nonsense.
Well, Adolf has to be up there.
Richard Dickson
- His knickname: Lil' Dick
- Jr.
  
  They just call him Little Richard
- I would call him Ricky Dicky.
- When I was working at a car dealership twenty years ago, I knew a salesman with that name. Before he sold cars, he was a relatively wealthy lawyer who got busted and disbarred for embezzlement or something to that effect, I never knew or cared enough about the details.
  
  Not as bad, but still not great, my graduate advisor’s name was John Johnson. It still is but I’ve been done with all that for eight years.
Preserved Fish
Lemmy
Mike Cox
- Friends of Mike Oak.
  
  Cousin to Mike Hunt
- Knew an Alex cox once
Anything that ends up with the initials "BJ".
- I know a guy who's initials are MRS, which is funny.
Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo
- That's the worst name I've ever heard.
Something with emojis is sure to never go out of style:

B😉bby
- Oh, yes, little B😉bby ┬──┬s, we call him.
Great for a meme but not so great for in real life: Cthulhu All-Spark

https://www.businessinsider.com/internet-names-couples-baby-cthulhu-all-spark-2014-4?IR=T
Adolf Hitler
According to Mr. Cash, Sue.
William Joseph James Robert.

It sounds distinguished until you realize the diminutive is Billy Joe Jim Bob. Which incidentally is really fun to say fast.
- William Charles is another one.
  
  Billy Chuck.
Batman bin Suparman
Raye Pember.
- Kid might just join the FBI
- Also, Light. Who TF names their kid Light and then expects him not to have a god complex?
  
  Let’s name him noctis then
"Baby Boy"
- 🎶 We named him 'Baby', he had a toothache
  He started crying, it sounded like an earthquake
  It didn't last long, because I stopped it
  I grabbed a rag doll and stuck some little pins in it 🎶
Spare Parts
Beef.

Because that’s a girl’s name, idiots.
Cthulu
- Lord of the underpants!
Ham
Any name that can be spelled a million different ways
- Michael McIntyre nails it
  
  https://youtu.be/69UlVQpYwUE?si=IuB4OC88FPty49T5
  
  Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
  
  https://piped.video/69UlVQpYwUE?si=IuB4OC88FPty49T5
  
  Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
  
  I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
- But that’s all names
  
  Li, Le, Lee, Ly, Leigh
Angus.
There is a Pokemon competitive player named Chuppa Cross IV. Which means not only that somebody was unironically named Chuppa, but also his father, and his grandfather, and his greatgrandfather as well.
5 names at once.
- As a guy that has 5 first names, I take offense!
  
  Last time I met someone with 5 names we were in a psychiatry.
  
  ^{Just a note}
- Polysyllabic words too.
  
  Rosicrucian Bellefonte Adelaide Dormandius Xavier {last name} III (as there is no legal requirement to actually have a I and a II first)
Hennard.
Keith
Tiktok Lad, Reddit guy, Discord mod
Lincoln Ford Mercury.
Squemp

Bongchez

Libble

Grover

Worm

Big Dawg

Cheese
Bumperpucker

Appropriation

Gurner

Clap

Clippy

Pickles

Masher

Guana

Iguana
Uvuvwevwevwe Onyetenyevwe Ugwemuhwem Osas
- https://youtube.com/watch?v=vJJEVBMtOEQ
  
  That name is epic though
  
  Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
  
  https://piped.video/watch?v=vJJEVBMtOEQ
  
  Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
  
  I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
Spewart

I will not elaborate
Jennifer
- Hell, if the Amaricans and Vietnamese can call a girl "Kim", then we can call a boy "Jennifer" and say we got inspired.
Fang
Maven, given they are Java developers
Based off the Jeffs I've known... Jeff.
Skibblezz DeWicket
Mump
Lithium
sleggar
jamitov
bajeena
revive
bring
harry
ʘ LATIN LETTER BILABIAL CLICK
Testicles, but pronounced like Hercules ("tes-ti-CLEEZ")
Ethelbert, Cummerbund, Kevin
Keith
Child Tax Credit, or, ChiTaC (Cheetah C) for short.
- Chi'tac, cousin of Bra'tac
I'd take Steve over any of the ...ayden (Jayden and the like) names, but I'd be hesitant to send it as a joke, as it might give them ideas.

Ken or Nigel are probably safe.
- Stevayden sounds like a win then.
Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie
Pissy Willy.

As in Pissy Willy by Fila Brazillia from the album Power Clown.
- Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
  
  Pissy Willy by Fila Brazillia from the album Power Clown.
  
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  I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
Cunt

edit: why are you downvoting me? I'm right.
Fly-debate https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/09/puritan-names-lists-of-bizarre-religious-nomenclature-used-by-puritans.html
Chad, Chet, Chaz, the unbroly Trinity
- You got Chazzed!
  
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  You got Chazzed!
  
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- Vegeta, prince of not being Broly
Popieanus, after the Roman politician. Yes, it's pronounced "poopy anus".
Splooge
Adelbert
- One of my grandfather's names was Delbert. From what I've been told he was an asshole.
Felcher Mycal (Michael), Jaxsyn (Jackson), etc Ryler/Rylen Axton/Joxton Grond
My dad wanted to name me 'Bentley' at some point. Glad my mum's stubborn and didn't let that happen.
For very different reasons:

Edward Jacob

Elon

Donald

Raven

Leonard

Ismael

Vladimir

Christian

Jim Bob

Chad

Kevin
Blood Bank
Pud'n
Strongest Avenger
Odigbu buduwe
Stankmouth
Mandatory Carlin https://youtu.be/oo8CrY_ZfFk?si=3SOIYzRebZDqupGq
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  https://piped.video/oo8CrY_ZfFk?si=3SOIYzRebZDqupGq
  
  Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
  
  I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
Some of the university challenge surnames are great, especially with the announcer who tries to get them out as fast as possible.

https://youtu.be/KEzXOt6IQGQ?feature=shared
- Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
  
  https://piped.video/KEzXOt6IQGQ?feature=shared
  
  Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
  
  I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
Petrus.
Guy
- I'm not your guy, pal. #reddit
Rectus
Leslie Valerie Sally

280 comments