(St. Kits, Virgin Islands) As questions about war crimes circle Washington, Vice President JD Vance gave follow up remarks regarding his involvement in a September 2 extrajudicial air strike on a suspected drug boat. The Vice President had remarked a top Admiral ordered the strike, and he was not involved.

“I just want to clarify that, while I didn’t order that second strike everyone is talking about, which clears me of any war crimes in the Hague… I totally could have, because I was in charge of that operation.”

“If any of those drug-terrorists threatened me, or my wife, I would second strike them so hard, they wouldn’t know what hit them.”

Controversy has surrounded the strike, which would be a violation of the Geneva Convention, assuming the US had declared war, which it has not. Vance appeared to shift blame at the staff meeting with the president, having earlier said he ordered the strike.

Vance went on to clarify that, had the drug-terrorists personally threatened him, he “wo

(Lynchburg, TN) As sales slump in Canada and abroad following reciprocal tariffs, US alcohol manufacturers have turned to their home market, in a move some say is offensive and out-of-line. Billboards are going up around the country showing an outline of the president’s profile, and the words “He Has Three More Years” prominently displayed in large letters.

“Oh god. Three more years. That can’t be right,” said Allee Celles, a 28-year-old waitress in Delma Washington. “Hasn’t it been three years already? Oh god. I need a drink.” This response is what producers are counting on, as alcohol purchases show sharp increases in areas already sporting the campaign’s billboards.

Some republican lawmakers are calling the ads tasteless, but others are trying to spin this campaign as a positive. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is reported to have said he’ll drink to trump every time he sees the billboards, and Americans should celebrate the administration. Campaign managers say that could be anoth

(Washington DC) Citing presidential privilege, the White House issued a retraction to the pardon of Hunter Biden on Thursday. “We were supposed to pardon a turkey, can you believe that,” said trump in remarks at dinner. “I said I don’t pardon that turkey, we eat it. I rescind the pardon. And I thought, that’s a great idea, so I started rescinding other pardons, too.”

Government scholars note that this is not how presidential privilege works, and that a former president’s pardon cannot be rescinded. Despite that, the Justice Department is ordering Hunter Biden to prison, while lawyers make demands to the Supreme Court to correct the matter. Like most matters with trump’s inappropriate use of power, the lack of precedent is causing confusion.

Surprisingly, a great deal of pushback is coming from inside the trump administration itself, as many are concerned about the value of a pardon they may receive with a change of leadership. But trump dismisses the concerns. “They’re worried anoth

(Camp Pendleton, CA) As war tensions mount, disturbing pictures have been released of US Marines, sitting around tables and coloring in a map of South America. Pencils on the desks suggest the soldiers may be writing in the names of the countries, as well.

“This is very alarming,” said a Venezuelan diplomat who asked not to be named due to fear of reprisals. “This type of training goes far beyond the US preparations for the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. This suggests a long term plan for occupation, possibly for decades.”

A spokesman for the Marines said it is normal training to teach soldiers about areas in the US sphere of influence, and noted that the soldiers love the crayons. The White House also deflected the issue of the training, saying in a press release on the subject, “you’re just mad your mom never bought you crayons.”

War scholars agree this is not typical Marine doctrine, and feel Venezuela should be worried. Leo Sturbgetter, a double PhD scholar in Military Doct

(New York) As American warships gather and strong rhetoric flows from the White House, Americans are growing increasingly concerned they may have to find Venezuela on a map. “They do those bits on late night tv,” said Maryland Bantra of New York. “I don’t want to be the dumb ones. I’m not sure if I can find that country… and screw it if they have a globe.”

This fear is echoed by Americans around the country. “If this gets serious, I’m sure there are countries near Venezuela that will be involved. We’ll have to learn their names, maybe even their capitals,” said Frankfurt Devens of Florida. “I just got two new bosses I report to… you’re saying I have to learn their names and then some capitals. I can’t do it.”

But not everyone shares this pessimism. London Haim, a high school geography teacher, said, “this will be over really fast, and we might even wipe Venezuela off the map. My job will be even easier if that happens.”

Americans that have been to Venezuela are sad that war is immin

(Belmopan, Belize) As the White House continues threatening remarks regarding Venezuelan drug syndicates, rumors are spreading of massive all night parties, questionable sexual conduct, and similar behaviors on a number of tropical islands in the region of the US Naval deployment. Reports say thousands of military-age young men are being continuously brought to and from islands by helicopter, and several military ships matching the description of US destroyers and missile cruisers can be seen in ports cities in Grenada, Barbados, and the US Virgin Islands. The White House denies misconduct.

“The brave men and women, yes, and women, we allow it… in our navel seas are strong and brave, and fighting evil terror drug lords and their democratic masters every day,” said the president in remarks. “I have news from Pete [Hegseth] that eleven more ships that were full of drugs were destroyed only last week. Good job Pete.”

The War Department confirms that some vessels may be in port for resup

(Opp, Alabama) As the aftermath of the longest US government shut down unwinds, libertarians are reassessing their values. Long known as loud critics of the government - and for repeated calls to disband it- online libertarian communities are calling for a reevaluation of those beliefs, and advocating a world where all government goes away, but not SNAP benefits.

“Them was some hard weeks,” said Scooter Pullham, a Tuskegee resident. “Why is it the meter man comes by every time to cut your power, but the food stamps can just stop. We need to end all the people in charge, except the ones that do what we want.” He gestured to the jumper cables he uses to provide power to his trailer. “These ain’t illegal. I got them from a store parking lot.”

Scooter’s concerned are echoed strongly in libertarian circles. Shaken by the shutdown, and how food payments suddenly stopped, many now call for a limited form of government - one where they pay no taxes, follow no laws, but are given free money

(Washington DC) As the government reopens, the White House is reminding Americans to reduce their taxes next year by 12%, to represent the 43 days the government was closed in 2025. “Really, it should be more, but we have to keep it honest,” said Trump in remarks as he golfed at his New Jersey golf course, presumably relaxing from his golfing trip to Mar a Lago during the shut down.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavett clarified to reporters that trump meant he wished he could give a discount, but the actions of the Democrats would not permit a reduction in taxes. “Every American has been let down by them,” she stated, in remarks that were interrupted by tweets from trump, stating that taxes would be 15% less, to celebrate the ending of some tariffs.

All the confusion has left IRS and Treasury Department staff - those remaining after the shut down - confused on how to proceed collecting taxes or funding the government. Staff at both agencies suggest Americans should use the saving to inv

(Washington DC) As Democrats cross the aisle to reopen the government after the longest government shut down in US history, republicans have taken to the offensive. House lawmakers have presented a list of demands to take on the Senate resolution, which is required to reopen the government.

“We have the Democrats on the ropes,” said one house congressman who asked to speak off the record. “After a full month with no pay to government workers, a collapsing food aid system, and the FAA shutting down flights, this is the ideal time to demand concessions.” Demands on the list are extensive, and include introduction of certain topics of legislature without filibuster, the creation of “priority states” for receiving federal disaster aide, and attendance of closed-door Democratic meetings by republicans for “monitoring.”

Some political pundits wonder if the democrats have enough fight left in them to resist. “Some of these demands are extensive. I mean, ‘Colorado?” It just says the name of

(Washington DC) As democrats break ranks to end the government shutdown with no concessions, leaders for the party made clear that their actions so far will guide future actions as well. “This fight was one of many we’ll face when it comes to the needs of the American people,” said Chuck Shumer to reporters, “and we can promise Americans that this is the best they’re going to get.”

The 40-day shutdown is the longest in US history, and for over a month, essential workers have been required to work for no pay, as food subsidies ran out for low income Americans last week. Some in the party say the democrats have no direction going forward, but Schumer denies this. “Sure, we lost this fight, and the president may refuse to pay some people who worked in the shut down, and it may take months to restore food subsidies. But don’t forget what we got for our efforts.”

Republicans likewise note that they won’t stop fighting until Americans have no rights, either.

(Washington DC) As the longest shut down in US history continues, democratic lawmakers are beginning to express concern - and drop their demands - as the FAA has issued new guidance that private jet traffic may halt in busy airports across the country.

“We never expected this kind of suffering,” said one democratic Senator off the record. “We knew there would be pain, but after this, how are we going to go back to our constituents and tell them they can’t fly to Boca any time they want to. I’m getting angry calls every hour… and on the real phone, not the public one.”

“My office has a line of people’s staff waiting to complain,” said another. “Do we expect them to fly commercial? What if they get raped in first class?”

These concerns are driving democrats to concede, having left millions working without pay, and even more Americans without food, for no gain. “It makes you think,” said one House democrat. “I’ve also been here on a forced break, getting paid $6,600 a pay period while

(Mar a Largo, FL) the president is said to be shaken, but in stable condition after what he claims was an attack by “masked men” in his office, after a brief official meeting after a full day of golfing. The president says the he has no idea how the assailants got through layers Secret Service security, and likewise escaped, but pointed out several times that his injuries had nothing to do with what was said in the meeting. “They were big, bad men, with masks, this was nothing to do with the meeting, what was said in the meeting,” trump reiterated to the media.

Sources close to the White House note that the last thing discussed in the meeting was a comment by FBI Director Kash Patel, who tried to convince the president that a person cannot lick their own elbow. “Trump couldn’t believe it,” said one source that asked not to be named. “I don’t remember how it came up. But Kash told him there was no way to do it.” What followed, after the meeting room was emptied, was a “struggle,” in w

(Los Angeles, CA) Citing prior art, Marvel Comics and Disney Entertainment have filed suit in district court, claiming that using a SNAP to half food benefits infringes on their copyright. “The iconic use of a snap to halve things is the property of Marvel Entertainment, and the trump administration does not have permission to use this property,” read the complaint filed Friday.

Marvel is known for their villain character Thanos, a large leader of a group of thugs trying to destroy half of all life in the universe, in the Infinity Wars saga.

(Washington DC) There was uproar at a White House children’s event today, as a furious president trump, leaving the Oval Office after meeting Democratic Senators, threw Dick Durbin’s (D, Illinois) cat at the children of the event. Two children received medical attention and were released. The event was celebrating education without diversity.

The president fired back at critics who called out both his behavior, and choice of target for his anger. “My actions were an expression of how angry every American is about this shut down, and the lying Democrats, they lie… they lie… that’s all they do. These children are suffering claw marks because they won’t compromise and reopen the government.”

“As an American, I have free will to throw a cat when I’m angry, and I was expressing my speech, through a cat, which is totally allowed.”

Press Secretary Karoline Leavit also took the president’s side, saying, “president trump removed the animal appropriately, and bringing your pet to a negotiati

(Wall Street, NY) Traders took a moment to remember Nancy Pelosi‘s career today, as the Congresswoman announced she was ending her 38 year stint as a Washington politician. Pelosi spent many of those years as a Democratic leader in Congress, serving as Speaker of the House under four Presidents.

Pelosi was known in trading circles as “Nance in Advance,” with a savvy trading portfolio that often predicted future innovation and government policy with supernatural accuracy. While Pelosi was cited as a reason for legislation limiting trading by members of Congress, Wall Street recognized her as an icon, and announced Thursday that her net worth, $256.6 million, will be officially retired, meaning no member of Congress may claim that amount to a magazine, or ethics panel when they are under investigation.

“I have a copy of her long positions on Nivida, back before the split,” said one trader at the announcement. “She made so much money there… god I wish I was on one of those committees.

(Washington DC) As republicans respond to election loses and the Epstein files become a distant summer dream, the US Department of Transportation announced that, should the government ever reopen, work will immediately begin to widen roads to accommodate new vehicles being produced by Chevy and planned by Ford and Dodge. Referred to as “Double Wide” trucks, the vehicles are 50% wider than traditional wide trucks, and base models stand 10 feet from the ground with basic packages. Chevy announced the vehicles will be hitting stores in early 2026.

“These babies are huge,” said Zap Chestman, Chevy’s head of promotional releases. “You could roll over a Prius in one of these and never know it till the cops showed up… to give you a high five.” Chestman noted that the vehicles stand taller than many custom, lifted trucks, and would be safer for children - once roads are widened - as many vehicles would pass younger children under the vehicle if they miss the tires. “We ran a test and children

(Pittsburgh, PA) In a Tuesday press conference, scientists at the Duolingo language-learning software company announced they are closing in on the perfect learning experience. Scientists say they have almost added every animation and effect that the marketing department predicted would help students learn, and hope to finish soon.

“In 2011, our program began teaching the world to speak to each other,” the announcement began, “and now our little owl has progressed to teach more people than all language schools combined.” They repeated the opening in several languages, including Klingon.

Duolingo is known for its characters and game learning style, and has greatly increased their animations in recent years. Researcher Gabriella Frezz says they saw a large initial bump in users when characters expanded, and again when they received basic animations. “That made it clear to us that the language skills are driven by animation, and we have been chasing that rabbit ever since.”

“Right now,

(Addis Ababa, Ethiopia) Calling on a spirit of kinship after so much help in the past, the nation of Ethiopia has pledged food and monetary aid to the US as millions face food insecurity across the nation. Abiy Ahbed Ali, Ethiopia’s Prime Minister, announced that the money would go directly to non-profits, to avoid concerns of corruption in the American federal government, which might prevent aid from reaching those in need.

Ethiopia, a nation embroiled in war less than 5 years ago, and still facing drought, still feels fortunate to have leadership facing their problems, and not facing chaos like the United States. “Have you seen pictures of Florida,” said one child at the announcement. “Every time I forget to brush my teeth, that picture of the skinny man on meth comes out, like a nightmare become real. My mother tells me to study hard to one day to be a researcher in Europe or China, not a Floridian.”

Some Americans are insulted by the aid. US president trump calls for the aid to b

(Seoul, Korea) In transit from talks in South Korea, US president donald trump made statements to the press corps some consider alarming. Discussing the time change they would all be facing returning to the US, trump casually mentioned, “and of course, we have Daylights Savings Time coming up, and I am very prepared this year, those Time Beavers won’t know what hit them.”

Noticing the confusion on the faces around him, trump elaborated. According to the president, once a year, mythical creatures attempt to “steal the daylight,” and the very wealthy are required to do battle to save it. Only if they are successful will the sun rise the next morning, albeit an hour later, due to the battle. Trump said the time change on the clocks is used to account for the difference.

Reporters were mixed in their response to the story. “I personally felt it was creative,” said one reporter who asked to remain anonymous on fear of reprisal. “The ideas were fairly fleshed out, and the Second Squirrels

(Washington DC) Taking a break from foreign diplomacy, President Trump delivered a followup speech on his views of wetland policy Tuesday, after sharp criticism from skeptics about his approach to solving habitat loss. “We can disagree,” said the President, “and we often should. But this is an important issue in ten years for America, and we have to start addressing it today, before major changes in climate.” Trump cited a study by Egyptian researchers on their own wetlands, and how it can be applied in America. “They’ve done incredible work here, and all the heavy lifting is done, we just have to implement. The money is there, we just have to work a little to find it.”

Trump began the address by taking questions from reporters, causing congenial laughter when answering a question by Kaitlan Collins of CNN. “Kaitlan,” said the President, “I can’t keep answering three-part questions every time, my wife will begin to suspect something.” As the press corps laughed, a smiling Melania Trum