(Minneapolis, MN) After years of declaring the dangers of respecting gender, republicans are quietly optimistic that the recent school shooting in Minnesota, killing two children and injuring many others, will justify 50 years of loud and often violent hatred of transexuals. “We have said for many years, these people need to be driven into the streets and shot like animals,” said one republican pundit on fox news Thursday, “and this one shooting confirms all our years of fear were correct.”

This enthusiasm is widespread among the far right, while some admit that this shooting is a breath of fresh air, after dozens of mass killings by straight, white, conservative males in a row. “I’ll be honest,” said Jerub Cornflour of Kansas, “after all these troubled men who couldn’t get mental help in time in a row, I was starting to think the guns were the problem. I mean, that Trump boy voted for him. But this shows that trans people mean to kill us all, and it’s not the guns, it’s the gay.”

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(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans come to terms with another violent shooting of children in out country, many are relieved to hear the recommended period of reflection and grieving has been released on the day of the incident. The US DVA has declared that every American should think about the shooting - which reports three children dead and 18 injured - once a day for three days, but continue their prayers for a total of 40 days. While some are concerned with the brevity of the period of thought, most agree that the period of religious observation is extremely appropriate, given the age of the victims and the religious setting of the tragedy.

“Questions have certainly been raised about the brevity of the thoughts,” said a spokesperson for the agency, “but when a president can limit discussion of his involvement in the Epstein files to only five days, three days is a very generous number.”

Americans agree. Nancy Stracker, a kindergarten teacher outside of Chicago, said, “I can’t stand

(Washington DC) In a confusing emergency press briefing Sunday, press secretary Karoline Leavitt informed the media that the White House is not looking for “the football,” a suitcase that always travels with the president and enables him to launch the US nuclear arsenal. “It is a coffee-colored suitcase about 2-feet by 1-foot, heavy, and may have an open handcuff attached to it,” she said. “Although it is not missing, it would be important to say something if you saw it.”

Members of the media were mixed in their response. “This is probably another ham-fisted attempt to distract from the Epstein files,” said a reporter from CNN, who asked not to be named. “I was really tempted to ask if the files were in the suitcase, if they wouldn’t throw me out over it.” Other reporters agreed, with one saying, “if the files were in there they’d probably lose them harder,” to laughter from those nearby.

Still, some at the briefing expressed concern at the White House’s “over-the-top” attempt to por

(Washington DC) White House concerns regarding the Epstein files dominating news coverage hit a new high Friday, as two television networks made large “donations” to the trump presidential library. Both networks said the donations would make sense next week.

Comedy Central, a cable channel often critical of the president, gave a $6.5 million dollar donation to the library, one of trump’s favorite methods to take money from corporations in exchange for favors or leniency. But the donation of $23.5 million from Paramount is the talk of both Hollywood and the Beltway.

“It’s South Park,” said one LA socialite at the new Spam Center opening at Alameda Mall in Beverly Hills. “Rooster and I have a bet, and I get his porche if it’s Star Trek. But everyone knows it’s South Park.” When asked what could merit the high… donation, they replied, “honey, they’ve already shown his dangle, so it has to be good. Can they steal the papers and just show pictures for 30 minutes of every page? That would

(Washington DC) As Americans grow increasingly alarmed at the rising cost of goods, a new proposal is being floated in the Senate to decrease the value of money in advance, in order to stop inflation. The “Stable Bubble” amendment proposes to reduce the value of the dollar preemptively, thus preventing inflation. Responses have been overwhelmingly positive from republican voters.

“Inflation is a major problem in America,” said Leo Sturbgettter, an unemployed cow detangler from Llano, Texas. “If we can inflate before the prices, we already gonna be inflated. Then there can’t be inflation”

“It’s simple math,” he added.

Not so, says unemployed federal economist and current barrista Tony Larist. “Look I don’t have time to explain this during the rush, but what you’re describing is actually worse than inflation. Call it stoopid inflation. No, use two o’s, it’s that bad.”

When asked how the government would decrease money’s value, the president was extremely candid, apparently pleased to

(Annapolis, Maryland) As the trump administration tries desperately to distract from the Epstein files, a new directive has come out to change all Navy vessels’ designation of USS - United States Ship - with the designation PTS, signifying the ship is controlled by president trump. Navy command is expected to begin the new designations at the start of the year.

When questioned at a golf outing in Scotland, trump defended the move. “Well I’m the commander, see… I’m the commander, and I command. These are my ships, because I’m commanding them, so they should say my name. They should, in facts maybe ‘trump’s ship’ is all we need, that will scare the pirates off.”

Washington insiders have trouble deciding if the new move is vanity, an attack on perceived lack of support from the Navy, or a distraction from the Epstein files.

The Department of Defense had no comment on the change.

(Gaza) As hunger grows and relief aid is squeezed by IDF restrictions, Israel was dealt a harsh blow by world court today, saying that the word “Holocaust” cannot be trademarked by the jewish people. Israel had claimed protesters and dying Gazans were violating their rights to the term by using it to describe the wholesale slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza.

“This is anti-Semetic,” said rabbi Abraham Kaughman of the Israeli government. “Six million jews died in the true holocaust caused by the Nazis. We can kill everyone, every one of these people, and we’ll hit three million, tops. That’s not the same.”

“If they called it a pogrom, you know the Ukrainians wouldn’t take it.”

The US president also remarked during a golf outing, “you can’t call it champagne if it’s not from that region… none of these Palestinians are dying in Germany.”

Not all voices are against the ruling. Omar Hessah, a Palestinian man in northern Gaza, said: “my children are starving, please send us aid. This does

(Washington DC) In a move even some in his party question, the trump white house says they are ready to release a list of his current, legal-age mistresses, to counter allegations of sexual wrong-doing by the president. Reactions were swift and vocal.

“This was on my bingo card,” shouted one reporter above the uproar at the press briefing. In the flurry of followup questions by reporters, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified that the list is not yet public, there are seven names on it, and two of those named have been in movies (later clarified to being in Netflix original dramas or better). The list will be released when the Epstein documents have not been in the headlines for 3 days. When asked if the list contained all of trumps mistresses, she clarified, “everyone that is on this list is over the age of consent in their state.”

“I hope this finally ends the controversy,” she added.

Mixed reactions are being seen all over the country and around the world. “Seven?” Said Ita

(Washington DC) As rumors continue to fly about which sex tape trump will release to distract the media from the Epstein files, one online posting from the president is drawing attention from what he didn’t say.

In a message on truth social this morning, trump posted, “just saw something a bit too racist, thought about posting but decided not to, thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Press Secretary Leavitt had this comment in her morning news briefing: “I don’t personally review the content [the president sees], but I trust him to release only the information America needs to see, and that is what he does.” She refused to comment on followup questions regarding the Epstein files.

Still, curiosity in the media has wanting to know what was too shocking for the president to release. Said one White House watcher, “given what he does put out, it would have to be really bad. Like a dog-drowning-a-baby bad.”

Inside sources at the White House are also confused at the president’s t

(Washington DC) As questions mount about trump’s involvement in the Epstein files, and the failure to release them, sources inside the White House say those with known or potential sex tapes are becoming increasingly concerned of their release.

The trump administration, known for its savvy in distracting the media and public, has grown desperate to change headlines, making claims as wide-ranging as demanding Coca Cola change its formulation, to extorting major league football teams. Yet the media, and public, remain fixated on the Epstein files.

“It’s very concerning,” said one blond press staffer who asked not to be named. “We hope the president will attack another country, like New Mexico, but a lot of people [in the administration] are saying a sex tape is the way to go. We were all made to submit any incriminating material when applying, and there are several of the tapes I submitted that could be painful to release.”

“Yes, we’re all concerned,” said one latino staff member in

(Washington DC) As Republicans scramble to justify not releasing the Epstein files after campaigning heavily on their release, more concerning news has come from the White House that the president has begun referring to himself as “Doctor trump.” Multiple White House staff, who ask not to be named, say the president’s staff has requested all White House personnel use the new title when in his presence.

“We think a real doctor left a stethoscope in the Oval Office,” said one, “and he started playing with it… either that or he was commenting on how smart it sounds to say doctor when you have a PhD… look, we can only say he says he’s a doctor, and we’ve been told to play along.”

When questioned, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the new change. “The president is the doctor America needs,” she said at a fundraising event for a golden calf statue being planned for the White House Christmas. “The main stream media should go back to school, to try to keep up with the most brillian

(Washington DC) As questions swirl about the Epstein files, DC locals have noticed a new rental listing in the area: the White House. The official White House web page lists availability and pricing to stay a night in the famous bedrooms on the property. Several rooms are already booked for weeks at a time, even with pricing sometimes reaching $1 million per night (including DC area room taxes and fees). Opinions are mixed on the legality and even value of the listings.

“This is a novelty purchase,” said one sheik who asked not to be identified. “One must usually be a head of state to stay here, but now, at last, the ultra rich can add their importance to the building.”

“I have rented the Lincoln Bedroom for a week,” he added. “It’s supposed to be haunted. At the price I am paying, I hope the soft moans of Karoline Leavitt will be heard outside the room, if you know what I mean.”

Other parties are eager for the rooms as well. Sergey Naryshkin, head of Russian intelligence, says “we

(Kerr County, Texas) As Texas recover from devastating July 4th Floods, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE, reminds americans to remain vigilant of attempts to enter the country illegally. ICE reports over 800 foreign nationals have been detained near the flooding, with more being found daily, some actually turning themselves in at rescue stations with recovered bodies or grateful survivors.

“This man pulled me out of a tree,” one woman said, shaking, as her rescuer was led away in handcuffs. He spent an hour getting his boat close enough through the debris. I should have died.”

Her rescuer, 27-year-old Manuel Riveras, is a rescue swimmer from Juarez, Mexico, and was leading a team of 11 to help search for missing residents. All 12 of them were immediately put on a plane to Honduras.

“We have a serious problem, people,” the president said in a speech on Monday. “Elements of a Mexican cartel named ‘el Bombidaro’ have entered the country during this terrible crisis. Members

(Cut and Shoot, Texas) As locals grieve and rescuers continue to recovery bodies, FEMA acting Director David Richardson told reporters this morning that he is deploying 600,000 prayers to the region, some sourced directly from local communities around the flood.

“We grieve with the residents of Texas, as the nation grieves. These prayers are a sign of our commitment, to letting the region recover on their own strength, without the meddlesome interference of the federal government.”

Richardson displayed a table of special votive candles created specifically for the event, depicting hundreds of crosses along a swollen river. “Those aren’t free,” he admonished a bystander who examined one. “These candles are a part of the recovery effort, and the president’s office assures me these are “the best candles, the very best,” and that a portion of the proceeds from each candle will go to reliefs efforts. They also clip onto a body bag, which is helpful given the tragedy we experienced this we

(Washington DC) Court members were repeatedly pressed for comment on Saturday, as word has leaked out of a huge offer from Palantir Technologies to purchase the judicial activity of Justice Clarence Thomas, with a reported 1.2 billion dollars being offered in the deal. The offer details released so far include luxury housing, travel arrangements, and concubines, valued much higher than Thomas’s current indenture under billionaire Harlan Crow. Court watchers say this could be the largest known deal to date involving a US government official.

Thomas, an often maligned conservative justice of the Supreme Court, has multiple complaints levied against him of impropriety over the years. This new deal would blow past his previous offenses and could - should the court ever adopt an official code of ethics - lead to his resignation from government.

For now, though, the main question for is whether Thomas will stay loyal to his current owner, or switch teams. Palantir CEO Alex Karp says the ch

(Washington DC) In a statement Friday, donald trump confirmed he will win the UFC fight planned to be held in the White House: “well of course I will win, and america wins,” trump told reporters as the rose garden was being paved. “I can’t spoil everything, although I can, and there is a chair and it will be really something, there will be blood and maybe Ivanka, it will be really something.” Trump then ‘pantomimed’ choking a Fox news reporter, who was later hospitalized with bruises to his neck.

(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.

“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”

It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet

(Washington DC) As attacks escalate in the Middle East, attention remains on the constant leaks from the trump administration regarding policy. After recent praise of the Defense Department on the secrecy around the B2 attacks on Iran, CNN has begun to report on rumors this could not have happened if Sec Hegseth had been drinking an excessive amount of vodka. They have called on the Secretary to help them stop the rumors, by appearing on their program and drinking one-fifth of a gallon (750 mL) of vodka in one sitting, then giving an interview on the administration. The Secretary has responded warmly on whatever twitter is called now.

He responded: “Easy to prove this, probably in one swallow if I skip breakfast. Delighted to prove being a secretary doesn’t mean wearing a dress.”

CNN host Anderson Cooper responded warmly with an invite on that evening’s newscast, keeping a very straight face.

CNN executives hope this is one of many interviews they will host, after hiring a dozen hi

(Washington, DC) As attacks by israel and iran continue into their third week, US president donald trump announced he is pleased with how the world responded to his “total and immediate cease fire,” which he intended as a test for us all, and which we passed.

“I didn’t declare a cease fire, that would be ridiculous to declare a cease fire,” trump said at his New Jersey golf resort Tuesday. “Nobody is declaring peace… that was a test. A test. A big test and you have all passed, and I’m very proud of you, the passing, because a test is hard but your passing the test was about passing.”

Some US Middle East experts praise the president for his attempt to declare a cease fire, and his novel approach. “This is a complex situation,” said one expert, “and in tense times, a child’s innocence can sometimes make cooler heads prevail. The fact this child is an overweight confused old man in this scenario… does not mean the novelty of telling people they weren’t at war couldn’t work.”

Republica

(Washington DC) As Pride Month begins in the US, republican complaints about the festivities, events, and recognition of diversity are rapidly growing, both inside the trump White House and around the country. In a step to draw attention away from the festivities, the trump White House is organizing a “Shame Month,” meant to highlight their view that recognizing diversity hurts the US image as a melting pot of different cultures. To start things off, the president and his HHS Secretary are planning to lick a bat during a press conference on June 1st.

Event organizers say the bat, a Chinese Black Bearded Tomb Bat, is meant to symbolize both the republican belief that alternative sexual life styles lead to beastiality, and that covid isn’t real. “Covid isn’t real, or it may cause autism,” said one of the more recent HHS hires, an event organizer. “We’re not sure which one of these is true. But when the president and the secretary lick this bat, Americans will know the truth, finally, at