You are the fourth Wise Man that nobody talks about. What did you attempt to bring the baby Jesus that they cut you out of all the stories?
A key chain with his name, "Brian."
Blessed are the cheese makers.
It's actually my headcannon that the 3 wise men were 3 teenagers who accidentally time traveled. They blundered into the scene and felt bad and handed over 2 different scents of axe body spray and a handful of chuck E cheese tokens.
Given thier odd dress and incomprehensible language, they were assumed to be foreign and extremely wealthy. Not having any comprehension of the gifts they concluded they must be gold and exotic perfumes.
That could have been right out of a Bill and Ted movie.
Party on, dudes! And be excellent to each other.
Would have been way better than the latest bill and Ted movie
That is a beautiful thought.
Some weed .
The holy bag man
There were rumours that Frankincense, one of the gifts, has psychotropic properties. Sadly, it was nothing more than a rumour
Weed it is, baby!
Now tell us all about catnip, in German.
Maury was the fourth wise man.
I couldn't figure out what to give the kid. I mean, a king deserves only the best, and the King of Kings doubly so. But what you do get someone who literally has everything?! I mean, he made everything, well at least his dad did? I don't know.
So I'd been studying these earwigs that infest the graineries of my subjects and found this really cool one. The sculpting on its abdomen is just beautiful! So I named it after this kid and brought an amphoriskos of them with me to give to the little LORD.
When I knelt and placed the bottle in the kids manger, the mother just jumped up and snatched it, tossing it in a corner. She and the dad (lol) looked at me like I had grown a second head. I get that bugs aren't everyone's thing but they didn't even look at them! The next dung scarabs I find are getting named after his parents.
A DNA/patternity test…
There's no reason that the Holy Spirit wouldn't borrow DNA from a suitable male human. The "special" stuff is magical, spiritual or whatever you might call it, and that doesn't have to be in the genetic code.
So basically, there's a good chance that the test would come back as Joseph being the bio-dad, whether he laid with Mary or not.
I’d say the odds would be that the father is not Joseph…
As Christopher Hitchens once said: “Which is more likely — that the whole natural order is to be suspended, or that a jewish minx should tell a lie?"
A fake 10 Denari coin with an invitation to a prayer group on the back
a letter from the real father
He was most likely a Roman soldier who raped Mary. She doesn't want that letter and neither does her kid
One of those string pull animal sound thingies where the cow goes "moo" and the lamb goes "baa" and Judas goes "he's over there man".
A $10 charity donation in his name
To the Human Fund?
This little drummer boy who would just NOT stop playing
A quarter ounce of blow and four of the dirtiest Roman hookers I could find.
I was not only given a vision of where Jesus was born, but the extensive navigational and shipbuilding experience necessary to travel to South America to obtain coca 1000 years before the Vikings did. I was also granted a vision by god of the horticultural knowledge necessary to grow coca somewhere Jesus adjacent, and the advanced knowledge of chemistry necessary to extract it in its pure form.
I show up and basically stay up for three days talking about bread and drinking wine, occasionally excusing myself to bang my hookers, drunk off my ass on wine the entire time.
I'm eventually ejected from the manger, which really pisses me off. I hold a grudge.
The energy I have been given by excessive cocaine use allows me to rise through the ranks of Roman society, all the while holding a deep grudge, as the other wise men get all the credit for bringing their shitty gifts. One by one I start eliminating the people that were at the manger, aa my oversized cocaine-enhanced ego can't take the slight. Until one day I hear about some jerkoff running around calling himself king of the Jews, and my final revenge arrives at last.
My name? Pontuis Pilate.
I brought him a Camel, but apparently they were a Marlboro family.
I arrived well after the other wise men, sweating through my robes and wishing I’d taken a shorter route. I knelt beside the manger and laid out the lamb’s-wool scarf I’d meant to bring. It was soft, pure, perfect. Except the shearing accident had splattered it with dried blood. Mary stared. Joseph’s eyebrows climbed halfway to heaven.
“It’s prophetic symbolism,” I muttered. “You know… blood of the lamb?”
The silence was so heavy it felt like a fourth gift.
Panicking, I pulled a small winter squash from my pack and set it beside the scarf. “And this. For… later.”
The baby gurgled. I decided to take that as forgiveness.
Vaccines.
Come on people, do you want the son of God to get whooping cough?!
(For the record, I'm in favour of science-based medical care, including vaccines. I shouldn't have to say that. What's the world coming to?)
A cross, I just like the design. I was told I was a little early by the fifth wise men but he just sorta crumbled into dust after saying that? Go figure.
I bring him a claw bar (a train railroad spike remover).
Can't wait to use it in only 1800+ years!
My mixtape
Diapers. I brought something that new parents actually need, but the story tellers thought it was boring.
The complete Sex in the City DVD collection.
Weed, maybe a kalashnikov
I had some marvelous time share options to offer but after 4 hours the rubes said they'd stick to the manger. Don't they know time shares practically pay for themselves? Smh
Numbing cream. I said it's a surprise tool that'll help him later, but no one bought it at the time. Little did they know he'd really need it at the end of his life
A cross necklace.
I didn't shit the whole journey, then I crapped it all out into Christ's crib. You won't hear about it in the Bible, but the Bible carries on the spirit of the gift: it's a bunch of shit.
Sometimes, in secret, the priests share a cup.
Wait Wait, so without you, it would have been worse?
A copy of the anarchists cookbook.
Richard Dawkins “the God Delusion”
Look, I had a lot going on, so I kind of stole some flowers from someone's yard on the way, but the other wise men caught me. It's bullshit!
Modern carpenter hand tool. Then maybe he'll become a world renowned carpenter instead of mingle with idiots that crucified him.
An extended car warranty. In 2000 years he'll thank me.
One of those I support single moms stripper t-shirts. For carpenter joe of course.
it's not what i brought, it's how badly i destroyed their toilet on his first birthday party.
Glock w a switch
Fentanyl.
Oh, thank god it wasn't Tylenol.
Food and water, and a plush bunny. Somehow I feel that they drew the line at the food and water.
A salami log.
A gift card.
A pack of disposable diapers. They understandably looked at me weird because they hadn't been invented yet.
A .45 Colt 1911. Find out if it really is God's caliber.
Private Investigator results. Divine conception sounds sus.
Jesus was born in Texas. He needs a hamburger.
Cut out... maybe I brought something inapropriate, something not fitting the narrative. I think I am bringing a blade, meant to show decisiveness. But on top of being a weapon it was roman made. ayyyyy
Cyanide.
I recently learned from Jeopardy that apple seeds have cyanide
Raw almonds, a few fruits with pits in them like a peach, bamboo shoots, some types of lima beans. There's a few out there.
Labuubuu. What the crap is a baby gonna do with some frankincense anyway?
The Bubba photos.
Common Sense.
That's the brother of Frankincense.
Ferytrue! ¯(ツ)/¯
Opium
Uranium-235.
I brought a nicely written certificate saying their Christmas present was that a donation had been made in their name. None of them could read. It didn't go over well.
A second baby Jesus.
Hey, let's keep it baby-appropriate. I'd bring him the entire DVD box set collection of Baby Einstein videos but they'd reject my offering because DVD players & electricity didn't exist back then, and they wouldn't understand the concept of vegetating while staring at a flat surface on the wall for hours ignoring all your bodily needs & ignoring all your chores & obligations & family & all human interaction.
Booze.
Pumpkin pie
You brought a delicacy made from fruits that grow in a land none of them has ever heard of. That'd be pretty remarkable.
Damn right. Nothing beats pumpkin pie, especially around Christmas.
Baby Oil
Jacks, and a Lite Brite.
A mother***king MERRY CHRYSLER
A bible.
A circumcision? :3 feel free to delete my comment I just don't think it's thought about enough
do you find yourself thinking of Jesus' baby penis often?
Nope never thought of him being circumcised until this question even, and I only give the answer because honestly, I think it's the real answer
Health insurance
Guikt for the eventual damage done in his name.
A Glock and some ammo, got thrown out when I tried to demonstrate it, apparently I distrubed the peace...
Poison
There weren't 3 wise men.
The means to properly document Jesus' existence so that we had even one shred of actual evidence that any of this stuff happened.
ancestry.com dna kit