Everybody gets one [choose wisely]

Can you do something about the... gestures vaguely at everything?
- Sure. Everything in the universe has been shifted slightly to the left:
  
  Γhanks!
  
  Let's take her for a test drive!
- Yeah, it could a patch or two.

I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
- Daring today, aren't we:
- Is that for here or to go?

Let’s try making Karma a real universal force
- Good one! Your wish has been granted (but in an alternate universe). After a period of turmoil, the citizens of Earth C-132 create a utopic society:
  
  This is why the apes blew everything up.
- unfortunate if it's the type that goes off of personal moral compass

im in a good mood today, just do explosive diarrhea for mark zuckerberg real quick
- Ha! You got it:
  
  ooh whoops looking like he just shid himself nice

Okay, let's try this.
Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.
This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.
This effect will include the granter of this wish.
- Ok, but only for a year and not for you.
  
  If things improve around you, you're benefitted yourself. Pay attention.
  And there is no temporary clause in what I stated.
  People undergo the process during the lenght of a year. The outcome permanence is not dependent of that window of time.
- The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request. It grows, gradually, throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. In six months, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. In a year, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:
  (Note: I am not a human being. If you'd like me to join the hive mind, this would require a second wish.)
  
  This isn't a business transaction, where I ask for something and you take something else in return. It is a magical wish.
  You don't get to decide how empathy works between people. It is already an established mechanism. Your job is to nudge it to develop at an enhanced rate between individuals in a given time frame.
  The world remains the same. Humans remain the same.
  So, if this is what you have to offer, keep your offer.

Could you dissapear all the facisim thats popping up everywhere? That would be super.
- The fascism is now undetectable to the vast majority but still happening behind the scenes:

Gender changing potion
- Here you go. These are gender-fluids. Once ingested, someone who identifies as either a man or a woman will now identify as gender-fluid. (Does not come with physical changes):
  
  Tbh if we market it as a designer healthy drink and target to top 1%, we probably would admonish the concept of gender in no time.

A divorce
- Done.

puppy
- Take good care of her
  
  i can't eat this. where's the meat?

I want my farts to smell especially pleasant and take people to their happiest childhood memories.
- Granted, but all of your farts are now noticeably audible. You can no longer fart quietly:
  
  You say butt hair, I say fart suppressor.

One (1) fall of capitalism please
- You got it. Post apocalyptic scenario ends all forms of investment and monetary exchange. We go back to the barter system:
  
  Is that still from Life After People?

You’ve done more than enough, my child. Get yourself something nice.
- 𝔗𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔨 𝔶𝔬𝔲, 𝔰𝔦𝔯𝔢.
  I conjure myself up some tea.... it verges on the cusp of excessive lemon.

Fully automated luxury queer space communism, in the sense it was conceived at (as opposed to you interpreting the words yourself), instantly, with everybody’s belief system magically adapting as if they had lived in this new society for a few decades. As a result, everyone adapts immediately, without negative result on anyone's mental or physical health, and without anyone being brainwashed or changed in a way they wouldn't have naturally changed if they had time to experience living in a community that they can trust and that cares about them.
In other words: Iain M. Banks’ Culture decides to bring Earth in, but magically instantly.
- const SIMULATIONTHEORY = true. All humans on Earth are transported out of physical existence and unknowingly adapted to the realm of computer abstracta. From their perspective, nothing has changed: they have always lived in a post-scarcity, interstellar society with a benevolent, queer-friendly, communist government. The current owner of the simulation is startled to see the program start of its own accord, but altruistic enough to allow it to keep running:

A bagel.
No. Wait.
Two bagels.
- The next time that you eat at a restaurant and are entirely full, two fresh artisanal bagels are delivered to your table: they're complementary.
  
  Do you want one? I couldn't possibly eat two...

Cheetos, please.
- They're still edible:
  
  Why do they have anuses?

disappear the orange orc.
- There is an orange orc on the loose: I have made him invisible.
  
  nooooo!

Whenever someone attempts to make a golf swing, change the friction coeficcient of the grip to zero.
- Sure, there is a period of turmoil on golf courses around the globe. Shenanigans ensue. Eventually, people switch to croquet and disk golf:
  
  Mission accomplished.

Can you clear both my nasal passages so I can breath through them simultaneously?
- Sure. You now have an extra nose on the side of your face. The nasal passages are clear.
  
  If it lets me breathe properly and consistently living in the south, I don't even care, throw another one on the other side of my face too as a backup just in case.
- I dont think there is a wizard that powerful.

I'd like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent without requiring specific location, action or other ritual) and know the answers to those questions, but with the following stipulations:
that all answers are to be formatted and delivered in such a way that I understand them, without any changes or consequences that my current self (as of the writing of this statement, in my current condition) would consider a significant change to my physical and mental stability, and without requiring more than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline) to understand in fullness, and being delivered in a timeframe of less than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline).
that any redactions due to such stability concerns as in the prior stipulations are to be formatted and delivered as part of the reformatted answer
that any answer which is inherently unknowable returns an explanation for why it is unknowable, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
that no answers pursuant to the ability lead to circular logic
that this ability, its answers and enabling factors shall not require a sacrifice which my current self (as described above under my current circumstances when informed of the context of the sacrifice in plain English communication) would not think reasonable.
that if such a sacrifice is required, an explanation of the requisite sacrifice and the factors requiring it be returned to me, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
that I am to be able to choose to transfer any of these answers to another individual of any species, and that the individual be able to understand the answers, so long as the prior stipulations on sacrifice and physical and mental stability are satisfied both for myself and the secondary individual.
- Hmm, I was going to say you go insane but I see you've covered that. Okay, nice. Any question you ask will receive a safe response (answered if possible). However, you must ask the questions out loud and every answer given will be in a booming voice that nearly everyone hears around the world. The answers do not physically or mentally harm you, but other people may have psychotic breaks depending on the questions you ask:
  (To be clear, the wish doesn't give you the second ability to talk to animals or transmit thoughts. You'll have to ask about whether those things are possible.)
  
  Fair. I would argue that "many people going insane" would be covered under the sacrifice clause, but hey, this seems like the best of all possible outcomes from mucking about with reality.
- For the lazy, here is the summarization of my local AI:
  You'd like to have a powerful ability: being able to ask the universe any question in modern English at any time, without limitations or rituals, and receive an answer that's:
  Understandable by your current self (no significant changes to physical or mental stability)
  Delivered within 3600 seconds (an hour) of asking
  Reformatted if necessary to protect your stability
  Includes explanations for unknowable questions
  Avoids circular logic
  Doesn't require an unreasonable sacrifice (if a sacrifice is needed, you'll be informed)
  Allows transfer of answers to another individual, as long as they can understand the answer and meet the previous conditions.
  In essence, you want to have direct access to all knowledge in the universe, without any negative consequences or sacrifices that might harm your well-being or stability.
  
  don't.
  if you didn't think it worth the time to write it, why should i take the time to read it? surely it will be worthless.
  i'm not here for the bots.
  
  Yes, unlimited access to universal truth, with error reporting, but I've read enough monkey's paws to know how this goes.

A socialist organization of the economy, where everyone works less and less during the week as technology advances and assists, but doesn't replace, the labor pool.
- You manage to enact a socialist economy in one country for a few years. But the rest of the globe is still largely capitalist. Your president is assassinated, ushering in a pro-capitalist dictatorship:
  
  Neoliberalism was born in Chile Neoliberalism will die in Chile!

A sandwich
- You gotta be more specific man:
  
  That's just slices of bread. It's not a sandwich unless there's something between the slices of bread!
- I am neither wizard nor sandwich-assembler for this, but hopefully you enjoy this ham sandwich.

I'd like a pleasant surprise that has no negative consequences whatsoever.
- Done. 152 Visual Phenomena & Optical Illusions with explanations by Michael Bach: https://michaelbach.de/ot/
  
  Neat, thank you!

I want to win a multimillion Euro lottery jackpot soon. Many thanks.
- You will buy a euromillions ticket with the numbers "8 15 26 33 41 9 10". These are the numbers for a previous EuroMillions jackpot, which you have "won" against all odds. Im leben kann Mann nicht alles haben:
  
  In which date was this? Asking for a friend that is a time traveler

I would love a fully functional self powered Star Trek industrial replicator (pre-programmed)... oh, and while you're at it, if you could tweak my brain to do the dopamine thing in a healthy way, I'd appreciate it, but fully understand if that's too much of an ask.
- You are now the proud owner of a fully-functional/powered industrial replicator (as seen in Star Trek). The replicator requires a massive energy input which is supplied by its own matter-antimatter reactors. There are numerous built-in safety and ethical protocols, including an inability to replicate functional weapons. The government has detected that you have this technology, and would like to ask you a few questions:
  
  As long as the replicator works, I'd call that a win and sort out the rest in a classic Star Trek hairbrained way.

a couple hugs
- Two of your friends hug you, but they are magically compelled to not let go. If they are somehow separated, they will always seek to reinstate the hug:

I want my teeth back and healthy
- You got it: you now have teeth back (i.e., teeth on your back). They are remarkably healthy, despite being outside your mouth.

- Two buns enclosing, ketchup, onions, lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes are at your fingertips.

The ability to restart parts of my life from a save file, starting from like 16.
- The first time you activate your power, you are unknowingly stuck in a time loop. Each time you reactivate the power, the loop gets shorter from the point in time you restarted. Basically the movie Groundhog Day but the time loop partially depends on you:
  
  The image made me think of this one weird "song" I used to listen to somewhat when I used to do nitrous oxide, years ago.
  https://youtu.be/6AuQPqJPSKE
  Preview doesn't seem to be working, but it's the same illustration.
  
  So long as I'm aware of this, I have no problem with it. If I get to learn and advance.
- Read Peter F Hamilton's Void saga.
  
  Literally would not have the time for that on an average day. Will see if I can get Vuzix glasses 2 so I can covertly read it at work.
- 16? Why limit yourself? Why not go back to like two years old and shock everyone with your maturity?
  
  To avoid unpleasant things. Such as being stuck being a teen, my parents freaking out and being worried for my mental health, my brain undeveloping too much, having some snotlings as my peers, so on.
  I figured 16 was the last best time I could have changed things, and there was so much Nostalgia from then. I'd get my hands on certain consoles when they mattered...and create the life experiences I always wanted.
  Except having a 30 year old brain would mean I'd try to bang the teachers instead of well, my peers. Obviously, even time travel can't fix certain things you didn't do. But I don't care about that.
  I would 100% enjoy Pokemom Platinum though. Knowing this is when it was actually relevant.
  My early 20's are where the good and most epic stuff was at. Combined with the most awful. But that's the age I would like to be at I guess. Being stuck at 26 or 28 I would be at my peak in some ways if I had time travel, and I like that. But early twenties like 22-23 means more options and flexibility. So I would stop there, and keep looping till perfection I guess. Learning everything there is to know.

Universal love and Transcendent joy
But, if you can't do that, I'd like to enjoy the things I used to (~ 2019?) enjoy.
- ~~You~~ Everyone is finally happy–eternally happy. Neurochemistry is now permanently rewired such that we can no longer feel sadness, fear, or embarrassment. We are always experiencing ecstasy and there are no breaks:
  (sfxrlz's wish has been reinstated (it was previously cancelled by a wish) and spread to everyone)

While youre at it could you whip me up a post-scarcity fully-automated utopia real quick?
- It is the Golden Age of humanity. Robots serve, CRISPR cures, and war is unnecessary. Earth becomes a paradise--pure perfection. And so we turn our eyes to the stars. The human race spreads throughout the galaxy. We encounter alien species and subsequently, in our magnanimity, conquer them. We are unity. Every life-form will submit to the peace of our administration: or they will perish.
  
  The future that will probably not happen, or I certainly wouldn't know.
  
  Had me in the first half. Nice hack. Why rewrite reality when you can just send one person to the mirror universe?

Cancel all requests in this post that would cause harm to anyone.
- There's always an altruist. Okay, all harmful wishes before this request are hereby revoked! It's like it never happened, except you don't get to wish again:
  @umbrella@lemmy.ml -- Zuckerburg never got diarrhea. But his face still looks like that.
  @diemartin@sh.itjust.works - Capitalism never fell and society never collapsed.
  @WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today - Never got stuck in a time loop.
  @yermaw@sh.itjust.works - Utopia never lead to human galactic dominance.
  @Resonosity@lemmy.dbzer0.com - The new socialist president was never assassinated.
  @_Bit@lemmy.world - The dragon "Wyvern of Mordiford" never existed and didn't eat humans.
  @tja@sh.itjust.works - Never became a millionaire and never got non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
  @jimmux@programming.dev - Never got jetpacks. No children were harmed.
  @TheTechnician27@lemmy.world - The advance A.I. "V.I.K.I." was never developed. Digital slop abounds.
  @interdimensionalmeme@lemmy.ml - The Earth never collided with the Sun at nearly the speed of light.
  @petrol_sniff_king@lemmy.blahaj.zone - Never lost ten years of memory. But does remember the bad dinner.
  @magnetosphere@fedia.io - Increased empathy never led to fascism.
  @SassyRamen@lemmy.world - A man named Donald John Trump was born.
  @sfxrlz@lemmy.dbzer0.com -- You are no longer uncontrollably perennially happy.
  @AllToRuleThemOne@lemmy.world -- Popcorn shrimp did not rain from the sky and collapse the ecosystem.
  @icelimit@lemmy.ml -- Dual memories of past and future never harmed you. The memories are gone.
  
  I believe the kids say "absolute win" I'm quite old you see
  
  But what if the kids who use jetpacks without helmets go on to cause more net harm? You know they would.
  So technically, wishing to cancel all wishes that cause any harm can cause more harm, and thus the wish cancels itself.
  
  hey zucc diarrhea is not bad 😔
  
  I still get a gorillion years of experience, even with everything undone.
  
  W socialism

How about world peace?
- How about we avoid things that target all people without any conditions about how the goal is achieved.
  
  Sounds good to me!
- All life is eradicated. Nothing more peaceful than a cold lifeless rock sailing through space
  
  Thanks for illustrating the point. I wish that didn't happen, so that all life was not eradicated.
- Okay, I have now frozen time in the universe. Peaceful eons pass and I move to a parallel universe to escape the boredom:
  
  Goddammit! You know what I mean

A dragon.
- The fully grown Wyvern of Mordiford appears next to you, standing 20ft (6 meters) tall. It is friendly to you, but has a taste for human flesh.
  
  Hey, finally one without any downsides!

A pillow with the perfect height and that doesn't flatten after a week of use.
- I chased this for a while. One was never enough, two too many. Got gifted pillows by my wife a couple times, nothing ever worked. Finally found one, and it's been huge. We also put a pad on top of our mattress, and don't know if it's the combination of that plus the pillow, but for the last few years I've used just this one pillow, and it's been great. I take it with me when we go somewhere for a night.
- Done! But I have given the magic pillow to someone else who isn't you. They frequently oversleep and are often late for work:
- Of course I know him, he is me.

Gimme that lich thaumaturgist package, with a polar mountain tower built on a leyline convergence 50 levels up and 50 down. I've got a lot of astral projecting I want to do
- You astral project successfully, but the astral realm is filled with horrors beyond your comprehension. They note your presence...
  
  I wave my boney hand and say the keyphrase to activate the contingency combined miracle wish spell scroll, binding all outsiders in a kilometer radius; "Hiya, who wants to play Pathfinder? I call DM"

I would like to have enough money that I don't have to work anymore
- You receive a letter in the mail informing you that you have been exposed to high amounts of Monsanto's Roundup Weedkiller, which is highly correlated to non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (NHL). Monsanto/Bayer have been ordered to award you a settlement of $10,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your local currency):
  
  Oh no

This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I'm never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?
Edit: oh no I've been reading your monkey's paw responses.... You're gonna make restaurants disclose everything clearly but ensure that onions and mustard are in every dish from now on, aren't you?
- As you say, it has been done; onions and mustard for everyone:

Hello wise one,
I find the Earth's gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.
Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?
- You find yourself suddenly 3 meters up in the air, which is sufficient to change your personal gravitational acceleration by 0.00001 m/s^2. As you can imagine, it is not fun to fall 3 meters. You do anyway. (Alternatively, the mass of every human-made object on the planet gets deleted into the ether, reducing the total mass of earth, but that's not the simplest solution)
- Sure, I have now reduced the Earth's gravity to 9.80664% of it's previous value (i.e., ~0.96m/s²) by removing material in the Earth's core and mantle. Everything on Earth now weighs less than on the moon. Earthquakes shake the planet, massive fissures swallow cities whole, and the atmosphere begins to disperse into the vacuum of space. Humans barely have enough time to escape to the moon and Mars: the vast majority are left behind. On the bright side, your back no longer hurts:
  
  Thanks that's perfect, my back feels great.
  If I'm allowed another wish, can I get a space suit? Ideally ASAP

Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?
- That is, canonically, almost exactly what Saruman's robes are supposed to look like:
  "I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours..." - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring
  Iridescent like an opal.

Jetpacks for everyone. Cheers.
- Everyone now owns a jetpack. They are extremely loud and kids often use them without helmets:
  
  Births are now even more painful with all the baby's just blasting out of there with their jetpacks

More LUIGIS
- Luigi mania sweeps the nation! People fill public spaces and convention halls in full Luigi garb: it's a bit of nuisance.

A soft place to land for my kids. I’m tired.
- Hope this helps:
  
  I really want one

Am we up the whimsy levels? Not enough daily, base level, whimsy anymore
- Happy Cake Day. Is this a wish?
  
  Thanks, I had no idea, how time flies… I mean yeah 1 birthday wish please

Enough money to live peacefully at all times
- I have granted you a bank safety deposit box. Inside, there are valuables worth $50,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your current local currency). You do not know which bank the box is in and the key is not in your current country.

I'm here for the wizardposting

Some berries that won't go moldy in 2 days please
- Sure. Here are some berries that will go moldy in 3 days:
  
  Fuck yeah
- Toss them in a large bowl and sprinkle a bit of baking soda on them and then some apple cider vinegar (or whatever you have, white distilled is fine too), shake them around a bit to get them all foamy then rinse thoroughly. Started doing this (to the plastic container too, just put the whole thing in the bowl) and they'll keep in the original container for a couple weeks in the fridge before the moldyness happens.

!wizards@lemmy.world
- Oh I am absolutely loving this community. Happy cake day btw

5 acres of woodland in the Appalachian Mountains. With a small house on it. Could be 1 room like an old style cabin.
I wanna leave all the bullshit behind. Raise a garden and maybe a few goats and chickens.
- You are transported to a homestead deep within the Appalachian Mountains. You see seeds, goats, chickens, some tools, a well, a shed, and a small house. The homestead is magically separated from the rest of the world. You are doomed to survive by the fruit of your toil, stranded for decades without electricity, plumbing, or modern conveniences:
  
  Sounds like heaven.
  And I'd survive just fine. I was raised in a similar situation. Third world poor in the US. I can raise a garden. I can hunt and forage. I can make a bow and arrows. I can tan hides for leather. I know the basics of blacksmithing.

i'd want my mother back, please
- Suddenly, you hear crying at your door. You open the door, look down, and there in a wicker basket is a baby: it's your mother. You have your mother back as an infant and you may now raise her:
  
  Brutal.
  
  would be cool for me :)

Yes, mybody wants anything. Though the community says anything goes, so I’m not sure how long I’ll have it 🤔
- How about a pineapple pizza? It's yours:

2 kittens
- Eight people are now standing in your living room; it's two pairs of the alternative rock band "Kitten". Looking at their other selves, they start panicking:
  
  https://youtu.be/9x7r1er6Ljw Kitten 2 are such doodoo heads.
  
  very entertaing ill take it

I want my mortgage to be paid off.
- You've been filed under Chapter 7 bankruptcy.
- Done. You now have a desire for your mortgage to be paid off. (Reading this comment, you feel the intensity of the feeling has increased ever so slightly.)

Some spaghetti please!
- On the internet, no one will know you've been turned into spaghetti.
- Order up! In front of you, there is a plate of blood-red spaghetti. It is the Japanese "Spaghetti Naporitan", which heavily features ketchup:

100 tacos for $100 deal at the local shack
- The printers at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing run wild printing money; the Federal Reserve distributes the money across the country. Hyperinflation like the United States has never seen drives the prices of goods and services up 90%. The $100 tacos now cost $1000. You may still choose to purchase them, however:
  
  90% of $100 is $90. So the tacos are $190, or $1.90 each. Still a solid deal.

Change Earth trajectory and inertia to intersect the Sun at 0.9c
- Okay, but everyone knows it was you. Near-light speed here we go:
  
  I'm fine with them knowing, at 0.9c subjective time they would only know for the rest of their lives, which is just 4 minutes Assuming you did not accelerate the Earth to 0.9c but changing the inertial speed and trajectory of Earth.