3d ago

Am I a dick if I don't want to meet an old friend for coffee if she brings her babies along?

An old friend/aquaintance I've not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text. In the few years since we spoke she's had two babies by two different guys. They're ~6 months and ~2-3 years.

She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years. But hey, it's something to do, and it might be interesting. So I suggested a coffee shop near her and asked if she'd be able to get time away from the kids, but she said that no, she'd have to bring the kids along.

I don't want to be a dick but I'm really not interested in sitting in a coffee shop with two babies. They're mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don't really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.

AITA? How do I tell her I'm really not interested in sitting with her babies for an afternoon?

82 comments

You're an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:
she's had two babies by two different guys.
Just admit you're not friends. That's fine and doesn't make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.

You may not be an AH, but you don't sound that interested in being actual friends. Don't bother wasting her time.

I think you'd be an asshole for accepting an invite to visit with someone you clearly don't care about anymore who also now has infant/children who you don't want to see.
In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys.
Flavor text, or judgemental? If you disapprove of her life choices possibly quite strongly, then yes please don't bother this woman.
Anyways, you won't an asshole if you just let that already dead friendship stay dead. I dislike children enough to seek out sterilization, so I get it.
Seek out like-minded friends instead and you'll be all good.
I can only keep up the charade around my niece and nephew for our bi-monthly supper visits. I'm a good uncle for ~6-12 hours a month lol that's my limit.

No, but it means you're probably not really a friend anymore. If you're good with that, everything's jake.

You're not wrong for wanting to avoid a situation because of the potential of screaming children, but it's important to remember that, with parents, it's a package deal. To avoid overstimulation, try and go to a park for the first meeting. Like get coffee and go to a place with a playground where the toddler can run wild, and the 6 month can be in a stroller or rocker. Being outside vs bring in a building where screams can echo, makes a big difference.
Something that helps me hang-outs with my friends who have kids, is remembering that screaming children are inevitable... but most of the time, I'm not enjoying the company of my friends alongside the random, misbehaving ones. This time, you can make a friend.
- This is the way.
  Getting a toddler to sit quietly for an extended period is hard. You are either listening to them, or entertaining them; a lot of parents, these days, use a smartphone for this.

If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you're both better off if you cancel this appointment.
- It sure sounds like OP needs to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention
  
  IMO, it reads more like "I haven't been properly socialized, I'm mostly a hermit, and I get easily overstimulated with regular human interaction and experiences" so I tried being kind because OP is certainly afflicted with the tisms. I mean, just posting this thread showed us OP is far away from regular humanity...
  
  I don't know your culture, but where I live people who meet pay attention to each other. we call this "respect" and "being interested"

Yes you’re the AH. Even taking the kids out of the equation and you’re framing this as what you can get out of this meeting. That’s not a friend. Why not just say no.
She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years.
Yeah sod what the other party thinks s as long as you’re getting something out of it. I see this as wasting her time on someone who isn’t appreciative of it.
Also, why mention baby daddies?
- Yes you’re the AH.
  I'm pretty sure there is a rule on the internet that if someone starts with this, at least the person saying it is an AH.
  That’s not a friend.
  that's quite obvious, mr entitled parent, they are acquintances. facebook has destroyed people's vocabulary.
  Why not just say no.
  because why not be in touch with old classmates or colleagues sometimes? you don't have to decline just because they are not a friend! and people say it's me who is "anti-social"
  Also, why mention baby daddies?
  wat?
  
  You do realise that when OP said “AITA?” it means am I the asshole?. Acceptable answers to this would be yes or no.
  Anything outside of that is my opinion provided on a post asking for our opinions. Seems you’ve taken offence to this and that says more about you than me pal.
  Edit: this is why I like to preach positive intent as had you’d done that you not be calling me out for giving my opinion on a post it was explicitly asked for.
  
  This is hilarious, you're so dumb.

I'm not a fan of kids either. But hey...guess what? Not being willing to put on your big boy pants and suck it up for an hour is the very definition of "being a selfish asshole".
The fact that the first thing you talk about is how those kids are "going to be the focus of the occasion" (your words), shows that what you lack isn't "enthusiasm about catching up with someone". What you lack is basic human empathy.

If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all. You aren't going to be hanging out regularly because she will have kids that need to be tended, so why push.
As a parent, we only hang out with other parents at this point, and generally only those that we have developed a relationship with via kids activities (school, sports, etc) because it's much easier to maintain that relationship when you see them 2-3 times a week for
<insert sport>
here, or can schedule a lunch/dinner before or after the mutual
<insert kids event>
here that you know you will both be attending.
- If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all.
  why does so many people react like this is a date?
  
  Because friendships as parents are essentially just that, you have limited time to out into friends so you have to be selective.

Yes and you're not her friend.

Just tell her you don't want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you're even remotely interested in being her friend.

You're fine. I used to think I hated kids until my friends had kids who were awesome and I realized that I hate bad parents. These kids are too young for anything to imprint. You're right that they'll dominate the conversation out of necessity. You don't want to put yourself in such a situation for someone on your periphery of interest and that's fine.
People complain that you're a bad person for not being terribly interested in her life, but she's not a part of yours and you're entertaining the idea that maybe you could have a nice time. As an introvert, I think you're doing a good job of remaining open to the possibility that there could be a solid friendship forming. Even if not that, at least it might be a nice time once.
Others are being assholes. You're fine.
I don't have advice for how to position that you only want to meet one on one, but I don't think you're a bad person for wanting that. It's not like I would want my buddy's 14yo kid to come to record night this weekend. He's a nice kid, but this is time for the middle-aged men to hang out.

Why waste time spending time with someone you don't care about?
If it was a friend, that'd be a different story. The kids aren't even a part of the decision here.

One of the things that absolutely sucks donkey balls about being a new parent is that half your friends just totally ghost you and done want to deal with the complications of your kids, which it sounds like your friend is dealing with.
Definitely hanging out in a coffee shop with a bored toddler is not a recipe for a good time, which I guess your friend has not discovered hard enough yet. The other person suggesting hanging out at a park instead is on to something. Or just anywhere else where the kid has something to do besides sit down and shut up, which generally they won’t.

A bit yeah.

You're not friends, you gotta own up and admit that to yourself and her.

NTA. You can’t expect much quality “catching up” with a toddler and a baby around. That’s not your fault.
The important part is to be sensitive to her feelings. Be honest and say that you’re uncomfortable around kids. She may not be in a position to leave the kids with someone else. Being a single mom can be pretty damn stressful and lonely, but if you’re not okay with kids, then she needs to respect your feelings, too. Let her down gently. Be kind.

I've had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.
People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it's not like it would change much for you. Just say that you're not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there's a date and time that's convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that's her problem and you can write her off. If she's understanding, that's great!

You tell her that you want to see her, but without the kids
It sounds like you don't want to see her in the first place, and if you don't have a close enough relationship to be able to say that you don't want the kids there, then I'd be asking why you would have coffee with them at all
It's tricky, and I wish you good luck!

I don’t think it makes you an asshole, it just means you’re not that interested in seeing her or really don’t like kids. Probably a combination of both. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those things.
If the kids are the dealbreaker then your options are 1. Decline and lie about why, 2. Decline and tell her why, 3. Just suck it up and do it to save face. Personally I think 1 sounds unnecessarily complicated and you should just do whichever you prefer of 2 or 3.

I think it's reasonable to respond with something like "I'm really not a kid person, I don't much enjoy talking about kids or being around kids. I'm still happy to meet for coffee, but maybe we plan to keep it a short chat and see how it goes?"
They’re mostly just going to be the focus of the occasion because they need constant attention, and I don’t really like kids in general. And, if they cry or act up and attract attention I will hate that.
Many places will have toy areas for kids, maybe you can find one (or ask if they can suggest one since they are more likely to know which ones nearby have that). A 2 year old can probably keep themselves mostly entertained off and on for 30 mins or an hour, depending on the specific kid and if there are a good selection of toys. The 6 month old will need more attention but may well spend a lot of the time sleeping.
An old friend/aquaintance I’ve not spoken to in a few years popped up recently and we got chatting a little over text.
I don't want to put you off, but I'd probably have a plan for what you're going to do if they start a MLM pitch.

Do a Video call? I mean at least then the kids can't physically annoy you.
My parents do video calls with relatives in different cities, and even to different countries.
If the kids are screaming in the background, you can then just easily find some excuse to end the call early.

I mean, you're not a dick, but it will come across that way. She may not have the support structure behind her to be ABLE to get any free time away from the kids. Sometimes this can alienate women and kill any social outlets they have - which is why married couples becomes so introverted after years of marriage. You've gotta look out for your own life, so do what you want - but I'm not sure there's anything you can do 100% that will make her for sure understand.

She's handling two kids under five years old?
You're not 'showing up for coffee' you're providing a needed mental health break.
- Exactly this. People will have kids then expect other people to help out because "it takes a village". Fuck that, figure out who's willing to be in your village, THEN have kids.
  
  I'm having a hard time understanding how self centered some people are. You can be uncomfortable with their kids and still enjoy their company.
  I don't know a single parent who "figures out their village" before having kids. If anything, having kids sheds the selfish dipshits like you.

yeah

Look, I'm honestly the same way. I'm bad with kids, I don't do well around them, and to me they're annoying. I'm the same way, my friends before and after kids are two separate people. Everyone says "that is what life does though", well, yeah, but I liked my friends.
So for you, it sounds like it already happened but you just need to decide if they're still friends. There's exactly 2 that I stayed friends with after they had kids, and it's because I don't want to lose their friendship and also they have very polite kids.
So, you're not an asshole for not wanting to see them. However, you also need to acknowledge they're not the same person with kids, and they aren't going to just ignore their kids to be friends with you. Expecting that is asshole behavior. Just get friends without kids

Wow, a lot of salty parents in this thread
- Not even a parent, just have friends who are and empathise with their situation.

No you aren't and you could just respectfully decline for personal reasons.

I don't think so, but I don't like kids. Like even a little bit; they're loud, annoying, and tend to give me headaches. Hell, I didn't like kids when I was one.

She's gonna think you're an asshole. Who cares what we think?

NTA yet. You're not an asshole if you think that way, but you could be depending on how you act
If you suggested a kid free meetup and they said they would bring the kids anyway then the conversation is over - if you tell them you don't want anything to do with their kids then they will think YTA and you won't catchup, which is worse than now where you just won't catchup
Maybe just tell them you're going somewhere kids can't come like a bar, and politely decline any offers to meetup elsewhere

I have a family friend who comes over with her 2 kids sometimes and it's not so bad. Alternatively, if you want to catch up more personally than you can over text, but without dealing with a meetup with kids, you might suggest a voice phone call. Phone calls are sort of a lost technology but they still are better than text or email for some kinds of things. If you do the phone call, be honest about why.

If you want to be the best person, offer to cover a babysitter (if you're able).

I think I need more details. Why can’t they find childcare? Single mom? No family?
It’s fine to prefer no distractions but at a certain point, you need to meet people where they are.
There’s probably a polite way to suggest something like “I’d love to meet up but maybe we could do it during your lunch break at work so we don’t have distractions.”

I actually would love to meet my best friend's kids. I haven't seen him in person since he got married (he lives 2 states away), and I wanna see how much his kids are like him 🤣
Maybe look at it from a different perspective: You could get through a single afternoon with her and her kids; she has to be with the kids every single day and probably doesn't get to talk to old friends often.

Maybe I'm biased but my two cents is no. Not at all.
I think people who impose their kids on others are the assholes.
The thing with new parents is that they are, in my experience, completely devoid of any personality they used to have. They may have been fun people at some point, but once they get pregnant, it's pretty much all they can talk about.
I've got some close friends who are on the cusp of becoming parents but my wife and I have made it quite clear we are not at all interested in that part of their lives. And they accept that.
Especially seeing as how you've not spoken to this person for some time, 'catching up' is out of the question if children are involved. Unless they're passed out or whatever. It seems to me this person is just looking for an excuse to talk about their children for a couple of hours while you politely nod and agree. For them, the best case scenario is that you're as happy to be around those kids as they are.
I think you can set boundaries if you are not looking forward to meeting with the kids around.

No you're totally reasonable lol
Not unless you want to be babysitting them one day.

These responses are as varied as you can get

Her kids - her problems, you don't have to deal with that.

Yes, you’re the arsehole. She’s not asking you to raise the kids, they’re just going to be there while you catch up. You don’t want to meet up with her because of the 2 most important things in her life, so I’d expect she won’t ask you again. Ever.

Coffee is not good for babies, save the babies, don't meet her. Call child protection. I don't think she is your friend if she is giving her babies coffee.

No. You are not a dick. Your colleague is. Your are always allowed to exercise your right to say no, to things you don’t like to do.
- How is she a dick for having two children???
- I don't even think the colleague is a dick. OP doesn't like kids so they wouldn't want to do this, no problem. Colleage has kids and wants to meet up but has to bring kids, that doesn't make them a dick. It's just their circumstance at the moment. I have kids, if I want to go out with friends I either make sure they are OK with it or find someone to watch them. If a friend reached out to me and wants to hang out but I have nobody to watch the kids then I'm not a dick for saying if you want to then I have to bring the kids.
  You always have the right to say no. It doesn't make anyone a dick.

"I've not spoken to in a few years..."
"They're ~2-3 years."
Yeah, I'd be taking that meeting...

Yes, you are hating was you used to be and you would never lie people to hate you

YTA. People with young kids tend to socialise way less because they dont sleep and its a lot of work. When they do socialise the kids tend to be around because organising childcare is difficult to organise, can be expensive, potentially stressful for the kids. Very frequently the options are take your kids with you to socialise, or dont socialise at all. Its why new parents suddenly start socialising a lot with other parents.
And it might not be as bad as you think, depending on the kids. They may be happy entertaining themselves and sleeping, and you can have a relatively normal time until they wake up and get restless at which point the mum might decide its time for them to leave. Or they could be crying and screaming the whole time.
- tldr: you are the asshole if you don't want to meet. people with young kids need you, they deserve meeting with you! look how lonely they are, you cannot just decline!
  
  Holy misinterpretation batman! Its fine to not want to meet. OP seems to think its rude that someone with a baby can't just dump them somewhere so they can meet up for adults only coffee. Its the indignation that makes them the asshole.
  
  You are not entitled to anybody else's time.

The trash took it self out (you). The friend dodged a bullet

82 comments