No Stupid Questions @lemmy.world drbollocks @lemmy.blahaj.zone 1d ago

would getting back with an ex be a bad idea?

my ex-boyfriend sam (19m) of a few years has been my longest relationship (as i’m still young). he ghosted me and i started to lose feelings for him. however, i still had hope.

he also “forgot” about me when he would give gifts to other people, wouldn’t mention me under “people he appreciates” but would mention everyone else, and wouldn’t even tell people abt me.

due to all this, i started to question actually being a lesbian who was only into guys because of comphet.

however, last night, when he finally saw my messages (he doesn’t use social media a lot), he apologized and said he should’ve done something other than ghost his gf. he agreed that we should break up, and said he was being this way due to mental health problems, and that if we got back together, he’d be a better bf.

he explained he still had feelings for me and would love to still be friends.

that’s when i realized that i had genuine feelings for him that were still there, not just comphet. i always loved him and felt sad when it seemed he didn’t love me the same way.

i understand he’s not ready for a relationship rn, and i think he should take his time. i also am not quite ready due to this being so recent and the fact that we haven’t done actual couple stuff in a while.

but after a while, when he gets better, hopefully we’ll still have feelings and both be good partners (better than we were then). after all, even if the not including me thing isn’t an excuse, the ghosting was due to poor mental health which he can’t control.

so i guess i’d also be biromantic with a preference for women.

i hope we can make this work >w<

42 comments

Just gonna hit you with some hard truths.

He's not that in to you. If he was he wouldn't just ignore you ("doesn't use social media a lot" is not an explanation for not communicating). If he was he would be ready for a relationship rn.

Like most guys his age (myself too, 20 years ago) he likes the idea of you wanting him but he doesn't actually care about you.
- thank you ❤️
He's going to do it again, you're being delusional if you think he will change in the next few years.

Move on.
- thank you 🫂
  
  It’s also likely if he didn’t tell other people about you, that he didn’t tell other love interests about you and therefore cheated
  
  Looking for permission from someone else?
Girl. Have some dignity and kick him to the curb because it's clear he's not really interested in you. He probably wants you on standby in case his dick or his ego need stroking. Don't make excuses for someone who's mistreating you, especially at such a young age - you're just inviting dysfunction. You can and will do better, but not if he's in the way. Good luck.
To answer the question in the title id say

"What issues led to the break up and has that changed. If yes then go for it, if not then no"

After reading the post I'd say

Don't wait for him. Try and move on. If he wants to get back together later consider it then.

Honestly I've had people say that to me as a way to let me down easy rather than actually mean it. Waiting was a mistake.

And I'm not saying he doesn't mean it, maybe he does. But you'll love again. You're young. Grieve the relationship and move on. Judge later if he's worth getting back together if that happens.

That's the best advice i can give.
Being in poor mental health isn't an excuse for ghosting. Ghosting suggests he doesn't value your wellbeing over his own: it's a pretty cruel thing to do to someone, and deeply selfish. You're still young. In your shoes, I think I'd explore other relationships before diving back into one with several red flags.
- i also notice that although he’s bi, he’d only talk about hot men (especially fictional), wouldn’t mention me to other people, and would talk to me about his crushes as if we were just good friends. he would also try to make moves with some of them, presumably not telling them about me
  
  It sounds like you already know the answer to your question :)
I wouldn't get back with someone who ghosted me.
It's ok for him to have poor mental health, but he should've said something rather than ghost you.

I would not get back together with him. At least not until he deals with his issues. But I do think he just wants the "safety" of having you there, and doesn't actually respect you enough for a healthy relationship
If your asking the question you already know the answer, at this point your looking for confirmation the choice you are making is the right one.
99.999999% of the time, the answer to "should I get back with my ex" is NO.
Even if everything he says is true he needs to learn to treat people better and not at the expense of your time and feelings. Leave him behind, work on yourself however feels right to you and you will very likely barely remember his name a decade from now. Don't EVER settle for that sort of treatment.
- i mean, i have to strain to remember the name of the guy who harassed me, so i probably won’t remember his name either after a decade :)
  
  thanks so much
Always a bad idea. Breakups happen for a reason and it's always best to move on than hang on to a broken relationship.
If you want my honest opinion, listen to what your feelings tell you. Don't let people tell you what is "right" or "wrong", as these are often meaningless concepts in relationships. Be responsible, but also: be happy.
Like the other comment said, ghosting is not an excuse even with poor mental health. I’m about 6 years older than you and I know if I was having anxiety, for example, I would not ignore or abandon my girlfriend over it.

He can still try to make time for you, even if it’s not a lot, and then explain why he’s been less talkative rather than flat-out ignore you.

However, by what you said, Sam seems to acknowledge that and realizes he was wrong for it. That’s a start.

he also “forgot” about me when he would give gifts to other people, wouldn’t mention me under “people he appreciates” but would mention everyone else, and wouldn’t even tell people abt me.

This concerns me. The other stuff is bad enough even if he acknowledges it but I wouldn’t say he was ever a good BF regardless of mental health from this.

Not only should you wait until his mental health gets better, but for him to mature. He’s probably inexperienced with dating and emotionally immature at just 19.

Hope you find someone else in the meantime 💖 It seems he’s not meeting your needs and frankly wasn’t too loving to begin with. And yeah, try being friends but remember: Just because he’s a good friend doesn’t mean he’s a good boyfriend.

I’m feeling cute, enjoy these pictures I made!! (Seriously, they’re supposed to make you feel better, not be offended)
There are billions of humans. Why the fuck you want to try again with one of the few people you know don't work?
- The question is valid, but it's also valid to remember that most of those humans will never know you, and among those who will, most won't give a damn about you, and among those who do, very few will love you, and among those, you will love even less of them.
  
  Even so, the number is probably not zero. But it can take some time to find out.
Didn't even read the body of the post, only the headline.

Yes. It's a bad idea.
yes
Don't. Leave him in the past. You both still have feelings for each other, but that doesn't mean it will work. It's going to be like last time if not worse, because snowballing any issues from the first time into this hypothetical second time.

You deserve better. Mental health issues and being a social media hermit are no excuses. He probably didn't mean to hurt you but he did, and will keep doing so over and over again until YOU set some boundaries.

Set those boundaries, send him away. This has nothing to do with your preference, just stay open and listen to what you want in terms of a partner. Beyond sex and gender you deserve to be treated fairly.
You should search for info on "love bombing". This sounds suspiciously similar. Basically, it's about emotional manipulation to get you to willingly look past red flags and other problems.
- I'm not sure this even counts because the guy basically said let's be friends and she has leapt to thinking about getting back together. This just sounds like someone with issues of their own, if dating someone who is obviously unthinking but falls well within the predicted bounds of normal behaviour for a teenager makes them think they might be a lesbian.
  
  ah, he said “let’s be friends” but he wanted to get back together in the future and i was willing to do that, but obviously not now.
There's like a billion other options. You said you're young, no need to limit options, at all. Wait for someone who really cares for you and you'll forget him so fast.
This can be an unpopular opinion, but...While I found stupid the ghosting and I condemn his behavior, I wouldn't expect a 20yo to know how to manage those kind of situations.
Also, trying again, trying harder, would not be a symptom of weakness: if you're both willing to do it, you should; to clarify: trying harder does not mean to be more patient or tolerant towards things one does not like, but working to find better solutions for old and new problems.
he explained he still had feelings for me and would love to still be friends.

although he’s bi, he’d only talk about hot men (especially fictional)

He's trolling you. He's making fun of you.

O.m.g. what a very bad guy.

I am sure he is talking about you to his other friends, and it is not exactly praise then.

42 comments