Straight men, what's the weirdest thing you've been told you can't do because it's gay?
Straight men, what's the weirdest thing you've been told you can't do because it's gay?
391 comments
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Pull through parking. You know, where there are two spaces so you drive through one into the next so you can pull out of the one you park in without having to back up? I got told that was for “girls and gays”.
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Real men know that there is a greater tactical advantage to backing out of a parking spot instead of pulling out.
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One story my husband shared with me was when he and my dad stopped into a local bar after working hard on home renovations all day. They planned to get some dinner and have some beer after a hard day's work but needed to wash their very dirty hands first. So they went back into the bathroom and washed their hands. Well apparently that was too "gay" for the owner of the bar and they went over to the bathroom and started saying things like "I don't know what you think you're doing in there" and "I just need to make sure you're not doing anything funny". So they ended up just leaving while the guy yelled at them saying they had to buy something.
A slightly different version of this concept also happened to my husband. At one point, 2 of our lady friends were talking about fashion and my husband, who is MUCH more fashionable than I am, chimed in. They proceeded to tell him that he's "not allowed to have an opinion because he's a man" which is the most double standard bullshit I've ever heard come out of any of my friends mouths. It's stuck with me for a long time now because I think it keeps me honest with myself about standards and reminds me to think about how opinions change when you flip genders.
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They planned to get some dinner and have some beer after a hard day's work but needed to wash their very dirty hands first. So they went back into the bathroom and washed their hands. Well apparently that was too "gay" for the owner of the bar and they went over to the bathroom and started saying things like "I don't know what you think you're doing in there" and "I just need to make sure you're not doing anything funny".
Fellas, is it gay to practice basic personal hygiene?
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Wait… you’re not washing your asshole are you?
You can’t be having fingers near your butt, same with wiping
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Fellas, is it gay to not eat dirt
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Both of these broke my brain.
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I grew up in the 90s so just existing would cause people to call you gay.
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The 90s. Cross your legs, gay! Wear a shirt with a loop on the back, gay! Express any emotions, gay!
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The 80s: clear your throat in too high of a pitch? Get followed to the bathroom and the shit kicked out of you.
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F
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Nostalgia is gay bro.
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They called us metrosexual
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My dad used to call me this non stop. I didn’t know what it meant and he kept saying I was effeminate because I cared about the clothes I wore. I wanted to look good for the girls.
This, to my dad, made me gay.
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Oh no sorry that's just gheyyy! It's a different thing altogether
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I was told I'm gay because I like knitting.
I mean, yes I'm gay, but not because of that.-
Knitting is a form of computing and computing is women's work. So yeah, super gay, just like all the other programmers. /s
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There's a knitting community, but it's pretty slow. Crochet gets a little more action.
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It would be really weird if that was cause and effect. I like to imagine how that might go down though.
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Making quiche for brunch. Apparently an omelet is fine, but a scrambled omelette is gay.
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Right?!? There was this whole “real men don’t eat quiche” thing that I remember from the 90s. What is unmanly about putting an omelette in a pie crust? It makes it easier to eat on the go and keeps better in the fridge.
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Plus a properly made one is fucking delicious
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It was an actual book in the 80s! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_Men_Don%27t_Eat_Quiche
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wow
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Stand in awe at a replica of Michaelangelo’s David.
Admittedly staring at a statue of a naked guy, but come on
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Yeah, you don’t have to be gay just to be able to admire art.
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Though it doesn't appear to hurt!
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Heh come on.
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Sucking my best friend’s dick. I’m sorry, but if my friend is having a bad day, giving him a bro-job is not gay.
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I need more friends like you.
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I'm generally skeptical of comments on the internet, so almost every time I have read comments like this one that you're reading right now, I've been like "yeah right". Kinda like how "lol" means "laughing out loud" but when you read it online you don't really expect whoever wrote "lol" to have laughed out loud? Anyway, I was drinking coffee, I read your comment, I snorted in laughter, and now my white shirt is full of coffee.
I guess I'm also kinda mad at myself for laughing so hard at such a silly joke. Regardless, have an updoot 👍
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Did you even say no homo first?
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You kind of hum it as you’re sucking, bro says it actually makes the sensation feel better.
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I went roller blading on the boardwalk along the beach during the pandemic and got called gay
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It wasn't your skates that did it; it was your crop top and hotpants. j/k
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I haven't thought about this in like 20 years but when I was in middle school late 90s some kid had an album where one of the songs was titled "You Rollerblading (f-slur)" and I remember thinking it was the worst music I had heard in my life. 90% sure it was grindcore music, I didn't know what grindcore was at the time but my memory of the sound kind of fits that mold and the album had like fifty tracks and every single one of them was like 10-15 seconds long.
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There was a show, Human Giant I think it was called, which was like skit comedy. Aziz Ansari (spelling?) was in it. In the skit, he was talking about rollerblading and I lost it when, with a straight face, he said, "the hardest thing about rollerblading is telling your parents' you're gay."
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Washing your asshole... Seriously dudes, wash it anyway
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Yeah this is still astonishing to me as a guy. Why is basic hygiene gay?
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And up to the first knuckle, you don't have to jam soap up there but wash your nasty ass if you expect anyone to not gag when they get near your crotch.
Some of yall are nasty.
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Seriously. If I was a girl, there's no way I'd want to fuck someone with a filthy asshole, especially on my sheets. Skidmarks on the sheets and smelling like old shit is gross.
Wash your ass and groin with soap and water just like you do your armpits and feet.
My unasked for advice? Keep your butthole hair trimmed or shaved. Makes it much easier to keep clean, and it takes two seconds in the shower.
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Yes, why would you expect anyone to stuff something up there if you're not going to at least keep it clean!?
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I'm disabled!!
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Leg disabled
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That has to be one of the best IT crowd episodes.
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That and the fort trial. Or where Jen breaks the internet.
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In the 1990s in the UK, it was gay to wear a backpack using both shoulder straps (as opposed to using one strap over one shoulder, which was the heterosexual way to carry things to school).
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As a fellow school child in the ‘90s, I can confirm that almost anything anyone did was gay. Holding hands with a girl? Gay. Liking video games? Gay.
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According to the best school playground scientists of the time, opening a packet of crisps upside down (i.e. so the branding/writing is upside down, and you open the bottom of the packet, at the top) actually "made you gay".
It wasn't just gay if you did it, but it would literally cause a spontaneous eruption of gayness in whoever did it - who would be permanently gay from that point onwards.
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Other way round now. And they have little satchel things too on their chest.
Bizarre times
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My dad saw someone with that. Called them gay
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Dance. In a troupe full of girls. Honestly, it was me and 15-20 girls.
Other boys literally called me gay for dancing, while they went and played whatever sports they did and then all went into a locker room and showered together etc.
I honestly never understood how they thought dance was gay. I don't understand it now.
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They didn't either. One idiot started it out of jealousy (i presume) and the rest just parrotted him. People and their group dynamics...
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Ok so the whole "the other kids are just jealous" thing is, I think, disengenious.
Sometimes kids just suck. They make fun of other kids for anything. They aren't necessarily jealous. They might be uncomfortable. They might be vindictive at the time. They might basically be playing "spot the difference" (i.e. that kid dances, my friend doesn't dance, look that's different) so they make fun of one side of that equation.
In this case, I feel like the kids probably were not jealous. I feel like they were just idiot kids. Same end result but I don't know, it seems unhelpful to bullying victims to just tell them that everyone is jealous of them, sadly that's not usually the case.
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Spending hours with a bunch of ladies and possibly touching them in intimate locations.
vs
Spending hours with a bunch of guys and possibly touching them in intimate locations. Then showing with them.
Yeah, dance is way gayer.
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Here's something to ponder. The next time someone accuses you of being gay for [insert lame reason here], ask them how they know that's gay? Are they gay? Funny how some "men" are so obsessed with "gay" stuff. Always remember, and never forget, closets are for clothes.
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I definitely employed this strategy in middle school
Doesn't generally work because logic doesn't work on these people
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I went this route in high school at a dude i had classes with that kept insisting his dick was bigger than everyone's. Eventually I'd ask how he knew, that we didn't have gym class or do the same sports so he would've had to go out of his way to check or ask other people.
He would compulsively bring it up, only to get shut down when me or one of my friends started calling him the dick expert with a meticulous catalog of all the dude's sizes.
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This is the adult, "takes one to know one"
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Know how i know you're gay?
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Worst part about being on Lemmy is having to tell your parents you're gay
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Because I'm standing here not wearing any clothes? They are all in the closet btw. :)
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Suck dick
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Did you say "no homo" before doing it? If you did, that's just a brojob between alphas.
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I love telling this story, but I'll warn beforehand it's explicit.
!so, one time I was getting a blow job from this dude who was sort of newly out as bi curious. So, he asked if he could suck me off because he'd never done it before. Anyway, when I came, he didn't pull off and decided he was going to swallow, and since he was still really new and nervous, I thought it would be hilarious if I said "no homo" when I came.
Unfortunately, he also thought that was hilarious, and laughed while swallowing. Ever seen milk come out of a kids nose in the cafeteria? That. But with spunk !<
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Of course not i don't talk with my mouth full. I was raised right
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Oh god so so so many. I'm going to stick with music though for today.
You like ${artist}? That's gay.
Even more fun, "You like ${Track} from artist? That's the gayest track."
Guys are real quick to make sure everyone else knows how much manlier they are by what music they listen to.
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Sounds like your music is pretty gay. Add some masculinity with It’s Raining Men or just jamming to some Village People.
Just wanna point out that at least in the 90s and early 2000s people would call everything they disagreed with gay, and it didn’t have anything to do with sexual preference.
My brother’s gay and still calls stuff he disagrees with gay. Used to do it myself all the time but stopped quite a long time ago.
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In the same vein, my friend frequently tells his fiancé to quit being a f*ggot when he doesn't want to eat something unusual or complains about mild annoyances. Which always draws hilariously confused looks from nearby straights who don't know them very well.
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Those guys are all sadly afflicted by a case of the Notgays.
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Born in the 70s. I've been called gay for nearly everything i ever did in the next decades. Didn't even understand back then why my assumed sexual orientation was something seemingly bad.
I've also called someone gay. He swore he was hetero but wanted to suck me off. Because dicks are so "aesthetically beautiful" while vajayays where just "disgustingly filthy axe-wounds" 😂 He quit the friendship because i thought he was gay and dared to voice it.
That was sad and the best example of what this stupid world does to people who are just slightly off the "normal" path.
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He swore he was hetero but wanted to suck me off. Because dicks are so "aesthetically beautiful" while vajayays where just "disgustingly filthy axe-wounds" 😂
Dude was so deep in the closet he was crowned king in Narnia.
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Lol. I will borrow that saying 😂
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I've had a colleague say that tea is "homo water". I'm aro/ace, but most of my colleagues don't know that. Similarly a straight colleague of mine got mocked for wearing pink (but not feminine) shoes. After some of these incidents we've kinda started pushing back against this nonsense by deliberately triggering these people and calling them out, which has worked so far.
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Being gay doesn't mean someone is somehow less masculine, which is the heart of what the "homo water" idiot is implying.
Was the British Empire, upon which the sun never set, somehow not masculine enough? One could argue it ran on tea. Morally questionable, absolutely, but not manly enough?
Were the samurai somehow compromised in their masculinity because they drank tea, sometimes in elaborate ceremonies?
And, apart from tea, were the Sacred Band, the elite warriors who died to a man fighting Alexander the Great's dad, somehow less manly because they were all gay?
I bet this colleague of yours also thinks straws are gay in this parlance, as if it's somehow more manly to put one's lips on the same glass rims touched by hundreds of others. I guess hygiene is not masculine or heterosexual.
And the thing is, even my rant here is problematic because it spawns from a lifetime of people equating gay with not being enough of a man, an attitude that infects my own thinking.
Shit, the most feminine of men is more of a man than these idiots if he stands up for his identity unapologetically.
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Yeah this is kinda a point. People like this colleague seem to have gotten stuck in a highschool bully mindset ans never moved on. All of their jokes are about people who are different, their whole status seems to be based on their "masculinity". In my experience this is the largest portion of homo/transphobes here in the Netherlands. People who aren't violent or outright hateful, but rather just pushing outdated jokes and viewpoints and then getting annoyed by all the "woke bullshit" when they get called out.
My tactic so far is to not fully attack back, but rather staying friendly while showing my disappointment with this behaviour unless it goes too far. Most of these people are otherwise decent, and in my opinion may be swayed by someone "woke" who doesn't go "full crazy sjw" but does call them out. Making a joke about minorities is way easier of you don't know anyone well from those groups. They're not crazy Trump voters, so they may still be steered in the right direction
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tea is homo water
The entire nations of Iran, England, and China would like to know the location of this little removed
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Once I was at a hotel bar with colleagues and we were hanging out in some lounge area. The waitress asked if we wanted drinks, so I ordered a margarita.
Then they made fun of me for it. Like, what the hell does it matter what drink I have.
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When I was younger I've definitely made fun of friends who order "girly" drinks, and have in turn been made fun of when I do it. It's pretty standard among males in my generation (X) and older. Usually happens when everyone else in your group is ordering "manly" drinks like beer or hard liquor.
It doesn't even have to be something like a cosmopolitan, it could be a gin & tonic, or rum and coke. If they're all drinking bourbon on the rocks and you order something even slightly less strong, you're going to hear about it.
Then there's the times where the first guy orders a beer, then the next guy has to trump him with a run and coke, then the next guy gets a whiskey on the rocks, so then it gets one upped with a whiskey neat. Next thing you know we're smoking crack in the alley. Just kidding about that last one, but you get the idea. We thought we were being macho, but we were idiots in our early 20s, so shrug
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okay, i'm gay, but this is still relevant.
my dad (who i haven't come out to yet) thinks colourful underwear is gay, and those are his remarks to seeing that i've packed both red and blue undies while we were on vacation last year.
like bro they're just colours.
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When you’ll finally go outta closet he’ll be like: told ya, knew that from the start cuz of the gay underwear xD
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Oh boy don't bring him to Australia, white undies are the rarity here.
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I thought they were generally made fun of and rare anymore pretty much everywhere, like people who still buy white tube socks. And wear them with sandals.
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White underwear and socks are just so boring.
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Haven't come out to him yet but you were ready to come out to the whole internet ? I don't want to shame you but man come on grow some balls 😉
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to be clear, i've been out to the rest of my family for a long time, and i am very open about my sexuality (even irl, which takes at least some balls because i'm not in a very lgbt-friendly region). the reason i am not out to my father is that he has always been a traditional "man of the house" person, and i am not driving a wedge in our relationship by letting him know that his ideal bloodline ends with me.
if you don't understand the cultural contexts in which i reside, do not assume my intentions or degrade my decisions.
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Use chapstick
Read a book in public
Not go to gym
Play certain more "feminine" games
Those off the top of my head. I live in a nation of backwards idiots, so there for sure are more
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Use chapstick
My first exposure to Big Bang Theory was the scene where they made fun of one of their friends for "wearing lip gloss" and refusing to call it chapstick. It was so weird and toxic and I assumed it was a gay panic joke before finding out it was the nerd show I was avoiding. Fucking terrible show.
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Use chapstick
How I get around that: Wait until my girl uses hers, then kiss her.
It's a bit of a running meme between us.
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Reading a book seems so absurd. Where do you live ?
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I would assume the US, and probably somewhere rural. I'm an hour outside a major CA city and it's like 70% functionally illiterate racists. They are not fans of books.
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unisex clothing == male clothing
so still cant buy anything with colors or style or anything even mildly feminine without the gay thing being thrown around
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Use hand lotion. Dude, my hands are dry, back off!
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Who the hell is telling you that? I've been using moisturizers forever. People often ask my age then don't believe it and I'm like lotion dude. Everyday. Care for your skin. Never been told I couldn't.
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Some moron in highschool...
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Were you using it on some other dudes junk by any chance or something..? Cuz otherwise that seems like a leap.
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Playing tennis.
In jr high I had some friends who played football say my other friends and I on the tennis team were gay for playing tennis.
I had to point out to them that the tennis team was co-ed and we regularly made out with our female teammates on the long bus rides to tournaments.
While those on the football team were constantly manhandling each other, showering together and slapping each other on the ass to say "good game." But the tennis team are the gay ones?
They got mad, but dropped it.
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Play a female character in an arcade game. Specifically the one in Golden Axe.
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I usually play as a female character in 3rd person games because I prefer to look at a woman's butt rather than a man's. Seems like the opposite of gay to me, but apparently not.
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Yeah it's all Lara Croft's fault, all those gamers are gay now because of her
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Yeah I don't get people's need to associate the game character with oneself as roleplay. The game character is the game character and I'm just watching like I would in a film.
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Yeah, for me it’s partly aesthetic preference but also I’m not inserting myself into the game. I’m controlling the character, not pretending I am the character.
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I've always played as her. She was hawt. Turns out I must be gay. Who'd have known.
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old man ftw
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Or you could be trans, apparently (3rd panel): https://reallifecomics.com/comic.php?comic=july-3-2020
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Wow, that comic really fails to entertain in any way!
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Dumb. Obviously you're trans. /s
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Wearing a chain.
Chain necklace? Gay
Chain bracelet? Gay
Chain wallet? Also Gay
Chain mail. Well now you're a dork. And also Gay
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I got called gay for wearing a kilt in america. What's funny is I had my girlfriend as well as a female friend with benifits with me at the time. I didn't even bother responding.
I've heard plenty of guys say that doing any kind of ass play, even with a female is gay.
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I remember kids telling me I was crossing my legs in a gay way. I asked them who said so, and they said their teacher. That was the first time I realized some bullies grow up to be teachers.
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Wipe your ass.
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Are dudes really out there with shitty cheeks because “wiping is gay”? I refuse to believe this
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100%. Even meet someone who sort of smells like shit? Outside of some rare medical disorders, they smell like this because they don’t wipe. A couple kids in my class once argued something like “my dog doesn’t wipe when he poos, we aren’t supposed to either”.
Lots of lady friends complained to me in the past about their boyfriend’s skid marks and asked me what my girlfriend did to remove them from the wash. Like it was a totally normal “boys will be boys” trope.
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One time in high school, I heard somebody yell "Steve, you [bundle of sticks], stop talking to your girlfriend and let's go!" and Steve was in fact at the time talking to his girlfriend.
The sheer concentration of cognitive dissonance has stuck with me to this day.
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removed evolved into something completely different in the '00s, and was seldomly used to imply homosexuality. I don't know how it happened, exactly, but it was seemingly repurposed to mean loser/douchebag, just as gay was used to express something being lame. This didn't stop the words from being offensive, but it was still an interesting change of definition. Obviously they've since reverted.
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Relevant South Park clip - https://youtu.be/6i7a0cwyDDw?si=tBUgdhQo78OEQ2hH
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Can confirm. My friends and I used that term a lot towards each other and none of us thought anyone was actually gay.
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I do this as a joke with basically all of my friends who are in hetero relationships.
"I'm gonna spend the evening with the wife and kids, sorry."
"Gay!"
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Listening to metal music with female singers, on two separate occasions. The first was Planet Hell by Nightwish (from the End of an Era concert), and the second one was either Eluveitie or Dalriada.
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Fellas, is it gay to speak Gaulish?
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I got called gay back in high school for listening to Brackish by Kittie. Never understood that one.
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Really?! That was the second cd i bought. Still love that album. How the hell does liking hot metal chicks gay?!
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Tarja-era Nightwish is so good.
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Wore a maroon coloured hoodie
The dude who asked me this also stared fixedly at the crotch of my board shorts and asked me "where's your package, man?" upon me exiting climbing out of a (cold) plunge pool
I clearly looked confused, so he says "where's your piece?"
Dude clearly spent a fair amount of his time cataloguing the outlines of flaccid penises through boardshorts for whatever fucking reason.
I was offended, ish, till I heard the growers vs show-ers thing. Mine retracts while not in use, it's quite convenient.
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Guess he didn't know about shrinkage.
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Sit cross legged
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lol no wonder Asians have trouble reproducing
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This is physically impossible for me. Not sure if it's my short legs or what but I have to really, REALLY flex muscles and twist my hip joints to be able to cross my legs and it's fucking uncomfortable (both for joints & muscles and also by squeezing my balls). I have no idea whether my hips are weird or what, but yeah, that's a big no no for me.
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Around 2010ish I was thoroughly enjoying some Bells Two Hearted and other IPAs. My brother (2 years older) tried arguing that bud light is man's beer, and my beers were fruity and girly. It certainly doesn't matter to me, but the irony of choosing bud light, out of all the macro beers, is just 👨🍳😘>
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Reading that anyone could think Bell's Two Hearted is "fruity" is fucking wild.
I'm guessing he hadn't actually tried it at the time.
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Solid beer all around
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Nothing more emasculating than drinking carbonated piss
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Like the color purple
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Like the movie or the color
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Yes.
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Heh, fortunately one pair of shoes in my shoe collection aren't purple. They are a dark fuchsia. So I'm not gay.
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What about Deep Purple?
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That's the gayest
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Have a wider choice of underwear. Some beautiful individual in another thread put me on to “gay” underwear… comfort settings I’d never dreamed of. I’d feel contained performing CPR in these badboys. Apparently this clothing change is the first step on the road to man love - according to the absolute brains trust I’ve had the pleasure of working with for the last couple of months.
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What is gay underwear? Like a specific brand?
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We have Andrew Christian, Aussiebum, Box, and oh so many more brands. But the main difference is comfort and style.
Need a bigger pouch? We have you covered. Do you get a little clammy down there? Try separate pouches for the bells and whistle. Want to show off? We have the push up bra of underwear. Do you like to walk around the house in your underwear but you have nowhere to put your phone? We have hipster shorts with pockets!
Gay underwear is just superior to the smalls most straight guys wear. They're also more colourful and attractive. Why should women be the only ones wearing nice undergarments?
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In a thread of advice from gay men to straight men someone told us that gay guys have extra choice in underwear - it’s wild until you see it. They recommended: “Andrew Christian, Box, or Aussiebum, or any of the other underwear sites that cater to gay men. We have styles of underwear you wouldn't believe.” They weren’t wrong. I bought for comfort - not sexiness.
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As a kid I was told if you eat scrambled eggs for dinner you are gay. It affected me longer than I care to admit.
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Remember to stay away from goat cheese too, it will give you saggy balls! I have this on good authority from a kid back in first grade and have since had a restrained relationship with goat cheese.
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What possibly was the logic here?
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In the 90s, "gay" had become a catch-all term for "thing I think is stupid". I've heard LGBTQ people intentionally unironically use the term in this manner.
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You know sometimes when I eat eggs after noon I start to wonder....
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I once called a woman sexy and that I would do it with her and was called gay because she had big muscles. That woman is Carriejune Bowlby. I guess straight guys don’t like in shape women with big butts?
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I like big butts and I cannot lie
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Gay
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Kiwi strawberry Snapple.
It was 30 years ago, but it kinda killed the whole concept of calling things "gay" for me.
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Oh man - I really love kiwi strawberry Snapple. Am also not gay if that's relevant.
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Use ranch dressing. I was informed that was for gays and city folk only. I really had no response to that nugget of wisdom.
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Blue cheese dressing is definitely gay. Manly men like sweet salad dressing. I know because Anton LaVey said so, and we all know he was a manly man.
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Out west, country folk fucking love ranch. Especially with pizza.
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Haven't heard "gay" as a pejorative in real life since high school in the late 90s.
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Yeah, school.in the 90's was so gay.
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Surprised no one has posted "use a straw" yet. That's definitely one of the more common ones . Weird as shit.
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Hilarious...
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My wife and my buddy who is bi insist that I cannot have normal conversations with other dudes at the alleged gay bar we like to visit sometimes. They say that I am invariably being hit on, but I don't notice anything like that.
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Hmm, just being oblivious sounds like something a Lemming would do, too.
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I let gay guys buy me drinks but I make it clear that I'm straight and married to a woman. Twice now that has turned into a conversation where the man buying the drink tried to convince me I am lying to myself.
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The convos I've had haven't been like that at all. Just normal stuff: talking about jobs, the beers we like, cool stuff we've gotten up to. Fellas, is it gay to be gregarious and enjoy the company of other men?
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Suck dick
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Even if it's attached to a girl, SMH
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