8mo ago

If you take care of your parents or other elderly, how are you preparing to age gracefully?

Experiencing firsthand how difficult an aging alcoholic, quadriplegic, post stroke, narcissistic, demented or simply ‘nothing’s wrong with me, I can drive, I don’t need those meds, I don’t need to go to a nursing facility’ kinda parent surely gives you some insight on what to do, what not to do and how to prepare for our own aging and eventual demise.

How do you plan to age gracefully and what advice do you have for us all?

38 comments

Stay active. It really is “use it or lose it” with physical and mental abilities.
My aunt and uncle are both 90. My uncle has always used a treadmill or standing desk for his computer and pulls long hours in front of it still doing pro bono legal work even though he’s been “retired” for several decades. He walks to the grocery store and carries the groceries home. He walks barefoot around the block every morning and has a body weight fitness routine he does every other day. He’s doing just fine, his brain wheels turn a little slower but they work just as well as ever.
My aunt got very sedentary around age 75. Her mother developed dementia around that age and she just sort of settled in and waited for it to come. Maybe it is hereditary and there was no point in doing anything else, maybe not. She’s wheelchair bound now, just from lack of strength, not really any medical issue. She can take a few supported steps to transfer, but that’s it. Her short term memory is gone, I go have lunch with her twice a week and she knows who I am, but as I’m leaving she’ll say she’s sorry we couldn’t have had lunch while I was there and it’s a shame I can’t visit more often. It’s not really out of bounds for 90, but I’d rather take my uncles route than hers.
- My mom stayed fit and walked everywhere, and was a teacher and curious lifelong learner& traveler sort of person and still got dementia before she died. Her mom too. Honestly it terrifies me but there is only so much you can control. I do work out and stay fit and so far so good, I honestly feel great. My hope is that science comes through with a good treatment, and between me & my husband we have a lot of children to hopefully help some if we need it.
  
  and this is why we should be rioting in the streets about the state of the medicinal industry, we could have the ability to cure terrible ailments like dementia and cancer, but because that's not actively profitable we only allocate some token amounts of funding to the research, and what few treatments we do have are hideously expensive for many people to the point that they might as well just spend the money on enjoying their last few years of life than spend it on extending their lives by a few more years..
  We as a society have just decided that profit for a couple thousand rich people is more important than ourselves being able to continue living.

Diet, low to no sugar.
Cardiovascular exercise every week.
Resistance training every week
Maintain social engagement outside of work, have a strong friend group that doesn't depend on you having a job
Reduce or remove optional vices like smoking, alcohol, drugs
But most importantly, have something to live for! Have a purpose greater than yourself.
The goal is to live long, and die fast.
- Purpose is the most important. It is clearly observable that you fade away when you "sit behind the geraniums", as we say in my country. Pointing at old folks sitting behind the window, with geraniums in the windowsill, staring outside all day.

Based on my observations (of various old people in my life) of what works and what doesn't:
continue to gather and use evidence to make decisions
continue to be open minded to new ideas and new evidence
recognise your blind spots and have trusted people in your life to help with decisionmaking in those areas
- I think you hit the nail on the head.
  Where you live is one thing, but how you face the world is another. As we age, it seems that we have increased challenges in the areas you note.
  Trust becomes harder. Acknowledging our own faults and cognitive degradations becomes harder. Making decisions becomes harder. And desire to remain autonomous becomes stronger. Those things don’t jive too well.
  One more thing to add: maintain a community of similarly-aged peers. Otherwise, one might feel like they are on an island.
  This is based on my experience caring for an elderly family member.
  
  The older you get, the more it is important to have younger friends as well.
  
  I think that's a great tip. You're right.

Embrace the old ways of the Klingon, like a true warrior!
- Do you smash a knife before battle?

I'm moving into a retirement community. Get in there early enough and they have to take care of you until you die. But before that point, retirement communities are like dorms without having to worry about grades or getting pregnant. Lotta syphilis, though, I hear.

Oh I'm not. I plan on dying quickly and, if possible, with a large boom.

My mums been in hospital for 10 weeks. She only 62 and was admitted for a fairly routine infection after chemo for breast cancer. Since she’s been in hospital I’ve lost count of all the things that have gone wrong but the most distressing thing is the hospital delirium she’s developed. I’d never have believed my mum could become so violent and abusive, it’s like she’s a completely different person. She has absolutely no agency over her body at the moment, she can’t even sit up unaided. It’s so horribly undignified that it’s completely cemented my decision to commit suicide once I get a terminal diagnosis (or a diagnosis that I know I couldn’t deal with graciously). I can’t have children so it’s a small comfort that I won’t inflict the pain and heartbreak I’m experiencing from my mum, but I don’t ever want to treat my partner how she’s treating my dad. I’m going out on my own terms if at all possible.
- That took a turn I hope that suicide will be legal and safe before you have to make that choice.
  
  Don’t worry, I have a life threatening illness and reduced life expectancy anyway. And I’m not suicidal. It was already my preferred way to go, this ordeal with my mum just made it crystal clear in my mind. Thankfully I have access to everything I need already so I wouldn’t get anyone else in trouble and my loved ones understand my decision and feel similarly. It being legal would be a bonus, but I’m not letting a law stop me.

I’m making a big conscious effort to hear out and be in tune with perspectives of people of all age groups and to not deny anyone’s experiences just because they’re not my own. There are such generational divisions that, being between the older and younger generations right now, I can see so clearly. That makes me want to go out of my way to avoid it as I get older.

I've been dealing with my 85 year old uncle who recent fell and broke his hip again. I've learned the following:
Physical exercise is important! My uncle could barely walk before, which is probably why he fell. While he was in the hospital he physically could not sit up on his own (no upper body strength) and now cant lift himself into/out of his wheelchair. I've decided to start working out more and focus on strength.
Listen to your doctors!! After he broke his hip the first time, he refused to do physical therapy and would not use his cane. It's obvious that both of these things would have helped prevent him from falling the second time.
Be kind to the people around you! My uncle is narcissistic and insults friends/family when he gets comfortable with them. This meant that for most of his stay in the hospital, I was the only person who visited.

My options are likely to be:
A) Live 5 years unable to remember my work, with added incontinence.
B) Go out trying an experimental age reversal treatment - because why not roll the dice one last time?
C) Not survive to old age due to overwork, burning out my body one semester at a time.
C is most likely, B is the plan, and A is to be avoided at all costs!
- On the topic of B... if we get brain-in-jar technology I'm going to be fucking psyched.

Try my best to save and prepare enough funds to live without having to depend on family to take care of me. Then try my best to take care of my health as I get older so I don't get seriously sick.

As someone who cares for elderly people sometimes, please please fill out an advanced directive (not just a living will). It’s a sort of “if this, then that” for health scenarios. It’s immensely helpful when when caring for someone not well, and can be much more stressful without one. I have had dying, incapacitated patients wait weeks for guardianship or POA-HC to be processed before care can be changed to comfort measures, because they did not have one on file.
Get one from the hospital you would likely go to, fill it out, give them a copy, keep a copy, and give a copy to who you list as a decision-maker. You do not want to add the stress of logistics to an emotionally difficult time.
I think as a society we should embrace death more. Pretending it doesn’t happen just makes things worse when that reality of mortality unwaveringly stares you in the face.

I don’t have kids but I’d kind of like to have adult kids when I’m old. So maybe I can adopt a college age person when I’m like 50 or something

By shooting myself in the head before I become a burden.

I don't basically drink any alcohol and I'm relatively active and fit and I plan to stay that way. There's not much I can do on the mental side of things but the physical side is almost entirely in my control. What motivates me is looking at the average 60 year old male and thinking to myself that I don't ever want to be like them.

low/no carb diet. Exercise daily. Get lots of sleep. I'm 47 and feel better now than I did in my 20's when I ate the standard american diet. Meditation and yoga to get rid of daily stress.
- ...what do you mean no-carb diet? are you charging yourself from the wall outlet?
  
  There are plenty of fats and proteins you know.

I am not. Just hope to die before I need to be taken care of. Especially since I want no wife or kids

-"nothing's wrong with me"
Packs a bag and opens the door
-"Bet"
More seriously, first get really in touch with your phyche. It's hard to underestimate how fucked we can be as individuals when we're bathing in our parents issues. Don't be afraid to consult a mental health specialist, if not in your budget (for US reasons) find friends you can confide in without feeling judged (tall order if you don't have them already I know) or just get a good round of introspection/meditation.
A lot of issues I see adults do is because they never learned to live with themselves and therefore never learned to know themselves, so they're slaves to their own ignored/repressed feelings.
A healthy mind in an healthy body is maybe a cliché, but it will take you far and they usually go hand in hand anyway.

38 comments