do you apologize, even if it's not your fault just to make the other person feel validated?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3389091
or to keep the peace, maybe you think it's not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don't feel bad about it, fuck it, I'm not apologizing, deal with it. It's not my fault you're so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I'm thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don't feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don't share my personal life with them or I'm so concentrated on my job that I don't notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
do you apologize, even if it's not your fault just to make the other person feel validated?
or to keep the peace, maybe you think it's not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don't feel bad about it, fuck it, I'm not apologizing, deal with it. It's not my fault you're so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I'm thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don't feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don't share my personal life with them or I'm so concentrated on my job that I don't notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
wow... good post
none of us actually care about how anyone else’s weekends were or how the other person’s kids are doing.
got it, you ask to fake interest in the other person so he feels valued. Seems ridiculous and a waste of intellect.
It seems the best I can do is working alone. These rituals are way too complicated for me.
does this also work with women? most nurses I work with are women and are simply incapable of being silent more than 2 minutes.
they may be offended in short term. but in the long you will have more respect.
they WILL be offended and proceed to furiously talk behind my back and destroy my credibility
I'm very introverted and to me any kind of question about me is a prying one: my age, where I was born, how long I've been living where I am. I simply don't get why I have to tell my coworkers about this, nor I understand why they get offended if I don't answer the question. If I'm fired or I quit I'm not going to see them ever again. Who cares?
I'm a nurse and at my hospital there are rituals that bore me but anyone else finds, apparently, great: after report, talking time, usually 30 minutes. They talk about boring stuff, are loud and obnoxious, I simply don't understand why adults act like this. I read to pass the time, but have to be there with them because we're officially working. This happens at least three times per shift: once more to have lunch (for whatever reason we ALL must have lunch together, even if it means not having your own chair) and after charting, where, once again, I must remain with them because that's officially working time. If I leave, have a seat in the pause room and start reading, I get yelled at, no matter than I can also hear the bell from there.
It gets very boring. God my new job cannot start soon enough.
I don't have the luxury of having my own working station.
I've started to do extra chores just not to have to hear them. It also reduces the chance of them asking me about me.
that would be cruel, this is a very insensitive comment
what does it mean being nice to your coworkers to you?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3368394
and how do you deflect prying questions about you and limit these rituals to 2 minutes instead of wasting 30 minutes?
asking as somebody who, if not on the spectrum, is socially awkward, likes solitude, boundaries and to be left alone (to do the job)
I still believe none of your answers is going to help me because neurotypical solutions don't work for me but I have nothing to lose with this question.
what does it mean being nice to your coworkers to you?
and how do you deflect prying questions about you and limit these rituals to 2 minutes instead of wasting 30 minutes?
asking as somebody who, if not on the spectrum, is socially awkward, likes solitude, boundaries and to be left alone (to do the job)
I still believe none of your answers is going to help me because neurotypical solutions don't work for me but I have nothing to lose with this question.
being nice is all it takes.
if you mean I have to do this I shouldn't even waste my time and look for jobs where I work alone. Step 2 is already Get to know your coworkers which for the most part, are irrelevant to me. And I can't fake that.
Saying hi is not enough?
I have no problem with those who have something interesting to say but most of them for the most part care about stuff so asinine it makes me want to kill them and then myself.
Either I learn really fast to deflect very successfully or I start working alone. To keep my sanity.
You don’t have to socialize. But being a decent person means sacrificing your comfort for others’ sometimes.
you seem to imply there's something like a middle point between fully socializing and being decent, which I guess means talking but less? Is this so?
Yeah every single one of your coworkers is childish on an elementary school level, sure.
I guess I should've written 'my coworkers sometimes behave like elementary school children' which is every time they have nothing to do. This is what I feel. I guess to them, they ain't being childish but engaging. To me it still feels childish.
You either work with a ton of real weirdos, or more likely are way overemphasizig to get people to take your complaints more seriously.
I don't believe I'm overemphasizing. This is how perceive reality. And I haven't even started with the patient population
Your perception of yourself and your coworkers is not as objective and devoid of emotion as you think.
you are right, everything I wrote is how I perceive reality, which is, mostly subjective, but to me it still feels objective, if that makes sense. I don't believe my post (the one that started the thread) is objective, it's how I perceive my coworkers.
You don’t sound ND, you just sound like you don’t care to change. That’s different.
the people who criticize me are not that important to me that warrant I change to some version of what they consider better. I've reached a point where it doesn't make sense anymore to try to be a better, more knowledgeable professional but simply finding a job where people leave me alone. At least I'd be happier.
I guess I'm full misanthrope now
I guess it's 'good' I can 'change' if I so decide? but really, change, for what?
They demand authenticity and complain that people express emotions in the same sentence.
wait, you are right. My coworkers are authentic and they get along among themselves, whereas my way of being authentic seems to be the complete opposite. They are authentic being silly, loud and childish, I am authentic reading a book and not yapping.
We are simply incompatible. I mean its sad people believe a workplace is like an elementary school, but, what can I do to change it? Nothing. I'm glad I'm leaving. In future, I'll look for jobs where I don't have to endure silly people like this, a work with as less human contact as possible, or at least with no needy patients that demand you listen to their rants and become their therapist for 4 hours per shift. God I hate that.
The whole post can be summarized as “Life would be so much better if other people’s thoughts and behaviours were organized around me and my preferences”.
while true, I'd suggest 'Life would be so much better if other people’s thoughts were left unsaid and coworkers let me work'
this is a chance to start looking for better fitting jobs.
I’m in my 50s, always feel like an alien, and still think I’m 19yo.
don't let anyone take your inner child away. Don't let society change this about you.
I’m guessing that wasn’t what you wanted to hear.
it's ok, the book is already helpful. At this point I have no expectations about society anymore. It's survival mechanisms what interest me.
Everything you do has been your choice to do.
I don't know. To me this "choice" feels like a natural response, a default one, the easy answer. I'm not a patient person. "Choosing" to give another answer feels completely strange, foreign, not me, being fake and feels like a waste of time.
I’ve at some time adjusted my field of work to be 100% remote, and now I’m seeing how to change even that. I’ve eliminated Interactions with undesired people almost completely.
then "all" I have to do is to keep looking for jobs where I almost never interact with people...
I'm sorry but I don't quite understand your answer: are you telling me to start telling them about chess? because if you're suggesting I think about several possible answers to prying questions well, I'm simply incapable of doing it fast enough. I'm glad you can, but I simply cannot.
You also edited your comment here, at first you were saying something about the person you’re replying to sounding boring.
please point where that happened as I have no clue what you're talking about. Maybe quoting what I changed?
By getting “why do you talk so little?” and responding with “why do you talk so much?”, You’re doing what they do to you back to them.
absolutely. I answer a question with another question. Keep playing stupid games, you'll keep getting stupid prizes.
you can say these words in the nicest way possible, and this exchange still sounds confrontational.
then why do they start it? I'm never the one pestering anyone about why they're blond, tall, fat...
wow, what a beautiful post.
Autism makes it hard to think outside a tried and true path. That rigidity is difficult to deal with, but may be worth looking into.
what do you mean 'may be worth looking into.'?
because some people here offer good advice
You don’t need to tell people they’re being boring.
where did you get that from? I don't tell them directly they bore me, that's what I think as I imagine leaving.
You can just leave and not interact and thus not hurt their feelings, and thus not have conflict with people.
actually that's not true: if extrovert A says something I don't care about, I wait patiently till he ends it and I leave, he will feel offended (an extrovert explained this to me). I don't understand it but apparently it's like this.
There is no need to go for confrontation, asking why someone talks so little might just be a way of trying to include them in a group or getting to know them, and it sounds like OP just responds as hostile as possible.
why is answering a question with another question confrontational? this is a boundaries issue.
I can't believe I have to explain this, but here it goes: if people talk much or less is purely subjective: what to introverted A is too much is for extroverted B too little.
extroverted B asked from his subjective point of view, introverted A simply answered from his also subjective point of view.
Why is this confrontational to you?
it sounds like OP just responds as hostile as possible.
wrong again, I calmly state that question. You seem to believe I start yelling at them or looking at them as if I wanted to hurt them.
my main question to you is this: why is answering a question with another question confrontational? this is about boundaries.
I'm on the spectrum. How do I live the rest of my life?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3355635
long post
I'm reading "A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior" by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.
If you scroll back my history you'll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.
I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It's like the book I'm reading describes me. I really don't get neurotypicals and why won't they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.
Back to the book: "Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not b
I'm on the spectrum. How do I live the rest of my life?
long post
I'm reading "A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior" by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.
If you scroll back my history you'll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.
I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It's like the book I'm reading describes me. I really don't get neurotypicals and why won't they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.
Back to the book: "Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is
how good are you at lying during job interviews?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3347155
and what would be the point of lying?
I applied to 2 positions and got one. On both counts I shadowed for a day and was sincere.
Job 1 offered me a position I took.
Why I think the second job rejected me: I was assigned to 2 coworkers who started prying inquisitively about my job experience and expectations. I told them I don't want to go back home with back or leg pain or feeling broken, I don't mind doing my pause after 7 hours of working and not 4 but I actually NEED my pause, one every day, I also told them I don't live to work but the other way round (this is nursing).
Apparently they told management all this because during my interview with the c suite they mentioned what other coworkers think about me.
I still believe if you need a job, please do lie because you need the money. I was sincere this time because a union member told me to clearly state what you want in the beginning, so there are no
how good are you at lying during job interviews?
and what would be the point of lying?
I applied to 2 positions and got one. On both counts I shadowed for a day and was sincere.
Job 1 offered me a position I took.
Why I think the second job rejected me: I was assigned to 2 coworkers who started prying inquisitively about my job experience and expectations. I told them I don't want to go back home with back or leg pain or feeling broken, I don't mind doing my pause after 7 hours of working and not 4 but I actually NEED my pause, one every day, I also told them I don't live to work but the other way round (this is nursing).
Apparently they told management all this because during my interview with the c suite they mentioned what other coworkers think about me.
I still believe if you need a job, please do lie because you need the money. I was sincere this time because a union member told me to clearly state what you want in the beginning, so there are no uncomfortable situations afterwards.
I'm also a terrible actor, so maybe this
what books about personal boundaries do you know that don't mention god?
I need to learn to establish boundaries (work, family...).
I found a book, forgot the doctor's name but by the third paragraph he started mentioning the christian god.
hard pass. I want to learn about boundaries, not about your god.
in what proportions do you mix beer (pale lager) and apple juice?
asking because supermarket ran out of lemon soda.
I've never mixed both and I don't know if it's a good idea, due to taste and because apple juice doesn't have bubbles. Am I going to create a frankendrink?
is it a good idea to grill sliced tomatoes with no oil or any kind of fat?
I like tomatoes and hot food but I don't like to add much fat to my food, be it oil or butter. I won't use lard.
Am I going to ruin the sliced tomatoes by grilling them on a pan just with salt and pepper?
I'm talking about 4 to 6 regular tomatoes per serving, half an inch thick slices.
how do I stop being a sucker for alcoholic stuff on sale?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/2749844
I don't know if I'm a low key alcoholic or so cheap because in my past I was homeless and dependent on the charity of (sometimes) strangers and feel I only "deserve" alcohol when it's on sale.
I know binge drinking is stupid, I know if I drink more than a pint of beer without food my stomach feels bad and I feel dizzy, but each time I find beer on sale I buy at least a 6 pack (6 pints). I then promise myself to drink it within several days, not all within 3 days, but something snaps in me each time I open the fridge and see all that beer. I sometimes drink 2 pints a day till I have no more beer.
The only thing stopping me from buying beer every day is the price: if beer is not on sale, I don't buy it.
Beer is the only alcoholic drink I buy, I cannot tolerate anything else.
There are much healthier alternatives there, like tea, milk or juicy fruits, but my brain still associates beer with a good time, which
how do I stop being a sucker for alcoholic stuff on sale?
I don't know if I'm a low key alcoholic or so cheap because in my past I was homeless and dependent on the charity of (sometimes) strangers and feel I only "deserve" alcohol when it's on sale.
I know binge drinking is stupid, I know if I drink more than a pint of beer without food my stomach feels bad and I feel dizzy, but each time I find beer on sale I buy at least a 6 pack (6 pints). I then promise myself to drink it within several days, not all within 3 days, but something snaps in me each time I open the fridge and see all that beer. I sometimes drink 2 pints a day till I have no more beer.
The only thing stopping me from buying beer every day is the price: if beer is not on sale, I don't buy it.
Beer is the only alcoholic drink I buy, I cannot tolerate anything else.
There are much healthier alternatives there, like tea, milk or juicy fruits, but my brain still associates beer with a good time, which is very ironic, because now, after drinking almost a pint, I have a headache
is walking away the best way to deal with a work clique?
I've seen several posts of people asking for advice on situations like this with so many answers suggesting OP to fight back, document and contact the union, but this seems too much work for an unconvincing result, because there is no way a manager is going to fire an employee or a clique for a "he claims she claims" situation.
Manager, employer, even the union, will listen to you, play theatrics and change nothing hoping you forget.
Walking away, while making you feel like a loser, seems to be the sane choice long term. Cliques are gonna clique.
Maybe you can think of a better way?
How do I stop having expectations at the workplace?
on my last thread somebody wrote that unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
I'm guilty of this, I'm a nurse: after changing units an expectation was that the new one would be one where the physical workload would be evenly distributed. Another expectation and a promise from management was that my new unit would assign a nurse I'd shadow during my first days to get a grip of the unit. The third expectation was that I could do my job and use my downtime to learn.
None of these things are happening.
How do I stop having expectations?
ETA: A problem I see with this approach is: if every job turns out to be shit like this, why even bother? My new attitude should be go to work, work the least possible, fake it, play theatrics to do as little as possible, go home, get paid. No expectations = no disappointments.
But then, why even advance to ICU-nursing, get certifications or study medicine?
I don’t know what to do with this coworker.
This is nursing, my 7th day of employment at a new unit. Coworker is in her early 60s on the fatter and smaller side, walks slowly, bouncing her whole body to left and right, is slow giving report, even though she has less patients than me and feels entitled not to deliver and pick up trays or drinks to patients, the whole 24 of them, looking for stuff to do at the computer when the time comes, conveniently sitting, while the rest of us do her effing job. Last time we had shift together I invited her to work with us, which she ignored.
I dread the day I have a shift alone with her with no helper. This unit seems to be perpetually understaffed: Normal seems to be 2 RN for the whole unit when there should be 3. If we’re lucky, we get a helper (not a RN).
On one hand I feel I should tolerate it because she is almost a senior and apparently is difficult for her to walk.
But this feelings of compassion disappear when I see her pretending to be busy while I’m moving patients, delivering t
what's the best strategy to follow with a new boss who wants me dumbed down?
I couldn't come with a better title.
As previously explained, I changes wards, a doctor working for more than 35 years at my old unit wrote me an excellent recommendation letter and I went my merry way to my new ward, hoping to find something new.
I introduced myself to nurses and some doctors there. Because the nurses were yelling and punching tables, something I'd never seen from nurses, I started a conversation with the doctors about what abbreviations they use there (completely foreign to me), if they allow their nurses to take blood samples or arterial and venous blood gas probes, to decide if a patient needs blood cultures, to do an EKG without consulting a doctor first, what emergencies they have there...
I had lucky with one of the doctors who answered all my questions.
The next day, my new boss comes to me saying people complained about me talking to the doctors, accused me of playing being a doctor.
I asked if the doctor who answered my questions, Schimdt, complained. My
I'm looking for a no frills, physical key EV. Am I looking for something that no longer exists?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/2362831
I don't know how extended this is, but apparently there are car makers selling cars with no keys. Instead you download a proprietary app and use it to access your car.
I like being practical and talking to a car to turn the volume up or down, to open the door or to turn the temperature higher are things I don't need nor want. Give me mechanical levers, reachable stalks and no proprietary bloatware. I don't need a movie theater on wheels.
Imagine an early 2000s car running on an electric motor. That's what I want.
I'm looking for a no frills, physical key EV. Am I looking for something that no longer exists?
I don't know how extended this is, but apparently there are car makers selling cars with no keys. Instead you download a proprietary app and use it to access your car.
I like being practical and talking to a car to turn the volume up or down, to open the door or to turn the temperature higher are things I don't need nor want. Give me mechanical levers, reachable stalks and no proprietary bloatware. I don't need a movie theater on wheels.
Imagine an early 2000s car running on an electric motor. That's what I want.
how is it to work everyday but Wednesdays and Thursdays?
cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/2326733
as a new job "perk" at a hospital I get to choose what days I work: because I get differential if I work weekends, I wrote I want to work everyday but Wednesdays and Thursdays.
Now I wonder if I should have chosen Mondays and Fridays. On Mondays people act all stressed out (beginning of the week) and on Fridays they're also insufferable (they all want to go home ASAP)
I've never inverted my weekend like this so if you ever worked like I'm about to, how was it? Any drawbacks?