5d ago

what does it mean being nice to your coworkers to you?

and how do you deflect prying questions about you and limit these rituals to 2 minutes instead of wasting 30 minutes?

asking as somebody who, if not on the spectrum, is socially awkward, likes solitude, boundaries and to be left alone (to do the job)

I still believe none of your answers is going to help me because neurotypical solutions don't work for me but I have nothing to lose with this question.

33 comments

An important thing to remember is that your job represents about a third of your life and almost half of your waking life. People as a species are sociable and want to know more about the people they spend the most time around. A lot of those interactions are not inherently trying to get something from you but are rather people just being interested in the person who are around them
- I try to imagine what it must be like for a neurodivergent person who doesn’t value small talk to get through everyday interactions, and here’s what I came up with.
  Imagine that everyone else wanted to dance with you for 3 minutes as soon as they saw you. All day people are rushing up to your desk and busting moves and pulling you up out of your chair to dance with them. You just think “wow what is this point of this shit - can you all just calm down and do some work?”
  You aren’t a very good dancer and you protest that you don’t want to do this, and no matter what you try everyone is just saddened or offended that you can’t dance. It’s not your fault you can’t, and you don’t see why dancing should even matter. Multiple times you given in and try but your awkward hip gyrations don’t register for anyone else as even dancing at all. Some people think you’re actually mocking them or the whole dancing ritual with your awful moves.
- On top of that, knowing a bit about your colleagues makes it more comfortable to work with them. It will be easier to approach them and ask for help or advice when you need it.
  Obviously, everyone isn’t quite that social, so you need to respect the boundaries — your own and theirs. If you can come to an understanding about what can be shared, how much, and when, then you start to see the benefits. The atmosphere becomes more chill, and you’ll have more energy to get stuff done.
  Alternatively, you may find out that you don’t want to be around some people, and that’s valuable information too. Some people are toxic, and getting to know them a little bit will help you make more informed decisions in the future. If you never chat with anyone, those toxic people might end up hurting you later.

Socializing is a part of being at work in person. Try engaging in reciprocal conversations. Ask about them instead. At least if you’re stuck, you aren’t talking about yourself.
- The FORD method can be helpsome
  
  FORD?

As someone who is likely on the spectrum, they can tell you are... off, in some way. I think we trigger some sort of anti-sociopath response in people that just makes everyone who doesnt take the time to know you, just feel uneasy. Coupled with the fact that we are anti-social. Theyre going to get the feeling like you intend harm, emotionally or physically.
People have litterally told me, "I thought you hated me" or "youre allright, I thought you were an asshole". The reality is I do not want to be here and Id rather be anywhere else. Coworkers try to "break up the routine" and have a chat. But when my schedule is thrown off, i go home later, I eat later, I have less me time, I sleep less, and I blame them.
All that being said, Ive come to realize that being "in tune" with coworkers IS part of any job. You dont have to like them, but smiling at them, holding doors, offering help, making jokes, and being generally upbeat improves overall efficiency. It takes no time at all, and It will keep people from feeling like they need to "confront"you to get a feel for who you are. Its stupid but its how they feel "safe".
If youre busy, politely dismiss conversations and move on. If you cant thats on you, If they get upset/pushy its on them. For being more friendly, I find that watching TV shows about social groups and structure helps alot. Personal favorites include "The Good Place", "Community", "Star Trek", "Golden Girls". I cant think of more off the top, but maybe lemmy can help add some that resonate with you.

I still believe none of your answers is going to help me
OK, so,.... I guess we should just make fun of you?
- that would be cruel, this is a very insensitive comment
  
  Personally, as a reader of this post that hasn't tried to help, I'm offended that you don't believe in me.

instead of wasting 30 minutes?
Did the paycheck clear? Did you get paid? Then it wasn't a waste. It's part of the job. Do your job. Even the parts you don't like.
- I mean, yeah, sometimes it is. Most of the time its just Debbie talking about her kids little league baseball game though
  
  That's still part of the job. Building and maintaining relationships allows you to call on those relationships to be productive. Even people that seem useless could be connected to other people who are useful.
  It's also part of the job to maintain a baseline of morale.
  If a person is truly a time waster, set a boundary and tell your boss.

once a week i grabbed coffee for the (it should be noted, small, so it wasn't a huge expense) office i worked in. i found out what kind of drinks they liked and they noticed that i was regularly grabbing it. if i missed a week, they knew i was struggling and someone did something nice for me. best place i ever worked, nowhere else has had that kind of community. boss was a cheapskate, but y'know.
as far as deflecting private questions, i am an absurdist so if they ask something that's over the line i would give an answer that could not possibly be true. back when i was (painfully and obviously) single, if they'd ask something weird, the answer would start with "well the wife and i..." whether that works for you or not, it's up to you but i had a happy 15 years there.

It means future communications will go easier, as you learn what kind of person they are and how they think

Real talk, you can't. Or at least there is no "nurotypicals hate this one simple trick" solution.
Your real best bet is to talk to your supervisor about how you do your best work when you don't need to socialize. And as such would prefer to either work from home, or be moved to a workspace away from high traffic areas.

Humans are social animals, so while you might cut the 30 minutes down to 10 (depending on work environment), questions will continue. Questions are attempts to be friendly and general conversation will rarely end after just 2 minutes per day.
Perhaps you can think of those interactions as personality development training exercises. You'd be learning a new skill. Learn to smile and nod. Take a moment to weigh if a question truly is intrusive or just a conversation opener. Example: "So, did you grow up around here? Where are your folks from?" Conversational. Perhaps you have a deep trauma about escaping an abusive dad, but they didn't ask that and aren't ready to hear about it.
If a person has any interest in dating/marriage/pair-bonding, they should consider what they can offer a potential partner, and being able to socialize is one of the first things that will be on display.

During the middle of the work day: it's one of the nicer parts of my job, as long as nothing urgent (to me, personally) is waiting.
At the end of the day, when I'm on my way home: "My kids are waiting for me to pick them up." Doesn't matter where my kids are, they're always waiting for me, in the same way that it is five o'clock somewhere. Also, the dog needs let out.

I don't understand the question. Could you please clarify? I might have a neurodivergant answer for you.
- I think they're going for "What does 'being nice to your coworkers' mean to you?"
  As someone who is also neurodivergent, to me this meant leaving them the heck alone unless they were only person who could help me with something, which is also how I expected to be treated in return.
  Neurotypicals might ask others about their day, make hot drinks for others, or even do out-of-work favours, but I never had the urge to do that, even if it might have been be appreciated. There are probably other things that they do that I was and might still be oblivious to.

Masking techniques
For prying questions, pick up some evasive answers. The response only has to vaguely imply an answer. Use 'I'm not sure' or 'I don't know' where applicable.
To skip chitchat, skip the locations it starts if possible, and just look like you are in a hurry if you can't avoid them.
Learn the signals for uninterest, like not looking at them, one word/grunted responses, beginning work, etc.
Keep in mind though, the purpose of the ritual is to let people feel good about their time working together. If you negate it, you will not have that positive impression in their minds. They will think of you negatively, which will absolutely cause you other problems. It might be worth spending 15 minutes of ritual as insurance to reduce likelihood of problems later because everyone thinks you are a prick.

Get to work right away. Find a ticket or user story or task or whatever it is is a thing for your work and get on it. If people chit chat mention you really have to get on X.

My main tactic to avoid answering a question is deflection. Either give an absurd answer (most people don't follow up) or just enough to placate them and move on.
"what did you do this weekend?"
Absurd - "oh, nothing much, just climbed mount everest in a clown suit."
Just enough - "spent some time in the garden". (note this must be true bc there may be followups, but it's boring enough to be dropped)

Could you give me an example of a prying question you got asked?
I find most people overshare unnecessarily. I'm always telling me wife and kids not to give detail (with examples of how to avoid it) and have gotten very good at giving minimal detail.
Example: my wife has been in hospital for weeks. It's not something she'd want people to know about.
My mother in law was all "what are you going to tell people?" and I just said "nothing". So when I do have to bring it up I say "she's been in hospital a few weeks and will be another few more but she'll be fine". That last part I add to deflect in advance.
Only one person has had the gall to ask for more information and I told them I'd tell them over a pint some time (i.e. would you ever fuck off with that).
- I'm always telling me wife and kids

I’m well known as being nice at work. I never talk about anything in my personal life, I’m very sarcastic, and I’m vocal “I’m not here to make friends, I just want to get paid”
Why do my coworkers think I’m nice and like me anyway?
Because I help them whenever they need help. There are ways to be nice, friendly, and cool without socializing.

i assume prying questions, like your finances, what else do you want to do with your life, or do you plan to move from this "in between job" to an actual career

I try to only ever talk about work at work. I'm friendly and helpful to everyone but I am completely boring, if we aren't talking about a work topic I keep it vague and uninteresting. No one wants to hear about how you spent the weekend doing laundry or yard work so they stop asking.

33 comments