‘An uphill battle’: why are midlife men struggling to make – and keep

As a straight man, every straight man I've ever been friends with has eventually simply made me so tired to be around them.
Like, times are hard. But then we just collectively... have unmet needs, and so many of us deal so badly with them. It just seems like straight men inevitably make it everyone else's problem.
I have heard the same old thing so many times-- to have a friend, be a friend. Reach out. Listen, be empathetic, blah blah blah. And I wind up hanging out with some douchebag thinking to myself why am I in the same room with this fucking guy. Before I know it he's drunk or desperate for a long, long hug from being so touch starved, or he lets his guard down and casually says some slur. I don't have the patience to be friends with straight men. I don't have the patience to start to try.
- it's nice you all found well balanced queer people to befriend but keep in mind we also may not be as mentally put together as you perceive. i say this as a gay dude with lots of issues.
  
  There's a lot of people out there with mental health issues. Poor mental health doesn't discriminate and doesn't really target a single group. What's important to myself is that people are aware of their own health, honest about it and make an effort to deal with it in their own way.
  I tend to find queer people to be a lot more open and accepting of others and their differences in general. Especially in comparison to the straight people who I've been around in my personal experiences.
  Also, I have Autism and ADHD. I've stumbled through life and the people who I've felt the closest connections with also had differenly wired brains. The queer people I have met accept me just as I am.
  I know I'd have more friends who identified as straight if they learned how to love themselves and care for their overall health. I can also say that about practically any other group of people as well.
  However I can appreciate the uphill struggle to love a queer self in a straight dominated world. That's a steep hill to climb and most people are doing it with very little support. It's easy to see how some people just can't mentally handle it.
- This has also been my experience. Then again, I always had problems dealing with mainstream straight guys, even as a kid. Growing up with untreated AuADHD and being a massive nerd really didn't make things easy. As an adult, it's been really hard to find friends in my own gender/orientation as nearly every one of them that I come across seems to let the mask slip a bit and say or do something very problematic.
  So, I decided to drop that cohort and start intentionally socializing with people in more LGBTQ-heavy spaces. It's done wonders for the social anxiety that I developed over years of doing little but work too much. Now I've got some budding friendships with people from all across the LGBTQ+ rainbow and people encouraging me to be emotional vulnerabile (in a healthy way). It's pretty fucking fantastic.
  I guess the lesson to learn from this is that straight guys should go to therapy to deal with their problems (and learn more about their emotions) and seek friendship with LGBTQ+ people (and look out for and stand up for them, when they need it).
  
  What spaces would that be? I'm in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recently, have always been the odd one out, mostly interested in nerd stuff, little energy to deal with people... I'd love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I'd prefer actual face-to-face activities)
- I also find many men to be extremely exhausting. I basically lost all my male friends since 2020. The majority of them just refused to look inwards to address their mental health. The few who did make efforts to work on their mental health still managed to say some wildy fucked up things that made me stop trying to stay connected.
  Nearly all of them are trapped in a cycle of complaining about the same mistakes they continue to make. There's no going forward. I no longer have the energy to stay around that mindset.
  Since then I've turned to the queer community and I've begun meeting genuine people who I feel comfortable being around. The connection I feel with them has been deep and has happened so quickly. It's a feeling that has been completely absent with any male friends I've had in the past.
  It would be nice to teach any lonely guy to not be so afraid of anything or anyone that is different. Sadly they wouldn't want to listen. It's simply too easy to spread blame and continue to complain.
  
  I guess we're kinda forced to do some self reflecting, at the cost of being mentally fucked up from being hunted for sport by right wingers
- You gotta meet some other straight men, maybe younger. But for your own sake don't settle on this way of thinking.
  This is a really unhealthy worldview to carry around about cis men.
  
  You gotta meet some other straight men, maybe younger. But for your own sake don't settle on this way of thinking.
  Unfortunately, for myself, I've been burned nearly every time there. Not ruling out the possibility of friendship with cis/het men but, I've got too much of my own shit to deal with, making my patience for problematic behavior or taking on someone else's emotional load pretty low.
  This is a really unhealthy worldview to carry around about cis men.
  Unfortunately, it is in part a reality. Not that it's the fault of cis/het men that society has willfully and unconscionably failed them, but, in general, cis/het men need a lot of growth and personal development that they often are not aware of.

To counterbalance the "woe is me" (which is a perfectly valid life experience, and I do not mean to diminish it). I am posting so that people with no life experience do not think the "woe is me" is the only experience.
Decent adult straight men exist. We are just busy with family, careers and volunteering. One will not meet us in a bar as we, collectively, don't have time for that. Volunteer for a cause one supports, and one will meet people one likes more.
As an aside, do men have the same issues as women in meeting "good" men? And is our collective taste in men rubbish? Is it something "we" are all watching on TV?
Edit: Really great article by the way. It is long with lots of examples and personal stories from men around the USA.

IDK about everyone else but most of my friends vanished when they got married and started having kids. They never had time to do anything away from their kids and hanging with a bunch of children around didn't appeal to those of us without them eventually I was the last one standing with no family obligations. I have since found another friend group that are mostly on various spectrums that make it unlikely they'll be getting married/kids though.
- A society where having kids is a social death sentence is one where people will choose to go without
  
  It's certainly one of the reasons I don't want them. Can't do a lot of the things I enjoy with kids around and the stuff you can do gets worse with children constantly interrupting.
- Yeah that’s me, I got so busy that I just disappeared from friend groups. I’m very introverted, so even after we got past the more challenging parts of kids I relied on my ex to collect couple friends, and my kids to make family friends. Now that the kids are grown up and the ex is an ex, I have to start over …. But I’m very introverted

Traditional male social structures, groups, and third places have eroded.
https://judgmentcallpodcast.com/2024/12/the-resurgence-of-male-social-clubs-a-historical-analysis-of-traditional-mens-spaces-from-1800-2024/
Nowadays there are men‘s groups, which I can highly recommend to join or make one yourself.
What also works is being part of a local volunteer organization like volunteer fire brigade. Or like outdoors sports and such. Being part of a music band, orchestra, or choir is another great thing.
- Local hobby groups that actually physically meet are another good choice
  like 1/3 of my IRL friends have come from local TTRPG groups

The increased social isolation in our society is producing men and women who are incapable of socializing with others, especially socializing with other genders.
This is what happens when conservatives phrase every interaction children hve as sexual.
"Sex offenders are kidnapping our children!"
Now parents get CPS called on them for letting their kids be alone in public. And we forget the entire point of this scare was to attempt to make "pedophile" synonymous with "lgbtq" because we were still forcing many homosexuals to register as sex offenders.
No more getting your bikes and riding around with your friends after school. The Goonies' parents would loose parental rights in 2025.
"The woke degenerate mob wants to make your children sympathetic to other degenerates, through comprehensive sex/gender education."
Now teachers can't mention the existence of lgbtq people without getting fired on the spot. They can't teach about slavery anymore either.
Of course none of this religious, genital obsessed rhetoric helps children. It's always been about attacking minorities while clutching pearls.
The result has been each progressive generation is less socialized, despite the world becoming a much safer place over time for children to freely move and interact in public.
Conservative ideologies produce regressive policy, and religion maintains voters for conservative ideologies.
- We need to reverse this
  
  We can't, not by any peaceful means at this point
  There will never be secure elections under fascism, and only twice in human history have fascists given up power peacefully, and those were very unusual circumstances that we cannot replicate here
  Soap box and ballot box have failed, there's only one box left...

Some people have struggled all their lives. Room mates makes making friends easier but you also trade off with having potential asshole roommates.

Anecdotal but I've lost multiple social groups to breakups even though I was the one being abused in the majority of my relationships
- Typically when this happens, there are a few reasons.
  the social group is full of trash people. This isn't unlikely, considering they chose your abuser over you. That they no longer want to hang out with you should be counted as a win.
  They were your partner's friends to begin with. If it's a non-amicable breakup, of course they will choose them over you.
  You always took a back seat while your partner did all the socializing and meeting people. While you might have felt you had a connection with them, they primarily saw you as "xyz's partner".
  Solutions:
  Stop dating abusers. If you notice abusive behavior in someone, break up with them sooner rather than later.
  Be more proactive around meeting people and fostering relationships. Go out and meet people and build your social network while you are single. When you are dating someone, continue to go out and spend time doing your own thing with your own group of friends. When you and a partner meet a new group of people, proactively introduce yourself. Actively cultivate and deepen the relationships you have with others.
  Breakups often lead to one of the ex's not being invited around anymore. While this can be mitigated by (2), sometimes people just feel awkward about spending time around two people who have broken up. If you think this is happening, proactively reach out to the people you like in the group and see if they want to hang out independently - continuing these interactions can lead to you being invited around after everyone's feelings of weirdness have subsided. But sometimes you will just lose a social group, and that's okay, too. If you have been proactive about cultivating relationships, as in (2), you should have other social groups to fall back on.
  
  Solid advice I wish someone had given me like 20 years ago 🤘
- Then those weren't social groups, they were harassment networks. You're better off learning that now rather than a hypothetical future where you needed their help

Historically, men will come together only when there is a cause, otherwise they prefer the stoic life. The quiet man is not struggling to make friends. There are lonely men however. Those are the ones we need to notice and assist.
- Almost no one has that kind of peace nowadays, and it shows
- Stoic doesn't mean isolated.
  Men are human and need human connection. You're mistaking your autism for a universal male experience.
  
  I guess we're both mistaken then.

I can tell you one of the biggest reasons I have lost IRL friends is our current political climate
Really exposed a lot of rot in people I thought were chill

Because, since 2011 or so, you never actually unplug from anyone.