is this just a roundabout breakup message??

“I like you but I don’t think I can deal with this anymore. I really don’t like talking to people and I can’t commit. I’m sorry. I’m not going to break up with you, I just don’t like talking. I like you, but you wear me out.”

But then he still says he loves me and that I’m the only one for him and that no one can take me away from him? i don’t get it?

he hurts me all the time, it’s like the song tainted love says “Sometimes I feel I've got to

Run away I've got to

Get away

From the pain you drive into the heart of me

The love we share

Seems to go nowhere

And I've lost my light

For I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night” and “i love you though you hurt me so”

28 comments

This relationship sounds toxic. I'd break up if I were you. He hurts you? Is he abusive then??
- not abusive, he says he loves me and such, he’s just really dry and seems conflicted over how he feels for me. He seems to not know what he wants so he’s dry and hurts me. he used to care about me, now he cares about nothing but his game. he can’t even show any love for me anymore.
  
  So he's neglectful, I guess. I'm sorry

"he hurts me all the time". Get out. That isn't normal.
- thank you 💞

I think he doesn’t love you, not really. He just doesn’t wanna be alone.
- thank you. it makes me sad to think of him

Hey viktor,
I'm not sure if he wants to break up or not. It sounds like he might but maybe he's doing the whole "get them to fight for me thing"? Idk, it's weird.
Either way it doesn't really sound like it's you, i think he may need to work on himself and be happy with himself. That's not a problem you or anyone else can do for him.
He does say you wear him out and while that may be more reflective of him, id at least give him some space while he sorts stuff out. Maybe call it a break while he figures stuff out, meanwhile don't feel obligated to wait for him.
- we are taking a break now, tysm! he’s very confused right now and i get it

This person sounds like a lot of work on your part. Consider if that is where you want to spend your time and effort. If not, know there are many people out there looking to date - some of whom are more compatible with you.
- thank you! right now, we’re just taking a break and not speaking

He's not ready for whatever you have and a relationship is about how two people live their lives together and whatever that looks like for them.
What it looks like for him - at least right now - is different to whatever situation has been happening.
If it doesn't change he will continue to be in this state, for at least a couple of years, if I know people.
Now if it's a change into something you're immediately comfortable with - great - you guys want to change along the same lines into what suits you both better.
But if it's a change you don't want to make - you're both not in the same place.
No one who doesn't know you intimately can tell you if those are changes that will be good or bad, or worth sticking through - that's up to you - but he has been really very clear about what he wants and needs here, and it's up to you to decide if it's worth it or not.
There's a world where you stick through it and it comes up roses, there's a world where you find someone who is exactly in the right place for you and it works out better. the opposite of both worlds is also possible
- thank you so much, I’d break up for that reason but he doesn’t want me to leave
  
  You make your own decisions, though.
  
  A healthy relationship is a two yes, one no situation. You both have to want to be there and actively choose to be there (yes) for there to be a relationship. You each have your own full agency to choose to leave, and the other person does not get to make your choice for you. Him not wanting you to leave doesn't mean you aren't allowed to.

he wants you to break up with him so he doesn't feel bad.
- he said “please don’t leave me!!” When i said we were breaking up so i got back with him but i’ll leave now
  
  Dude needs to make up his mind. But more than that, I think this is something you should leave for your own sanity.
  If he doesn’t know what he wants, then a relationship is not what he needs right now. He needs to fix whatever is going on with himself and then he can worry about bringing someone else in.
  I wouldn’t ever feel comfortable bringing someone into my life if I didn’t know what I wanted, relationship-wise. That seems disrespectful to practically waste someone else’s time who may have an idea of what they want and are going for it. Whereas this guy isn’t sure whether he wants you to stay or go. That’s not cool. That leaves you in a position like you’re feeling now, unsure about whether tomorrow will be the same or if he’ll wake up and decide this is it. You want to be confident of where you stand with someone you’re romantically involved with, not constantly questioning your position.
- he says he needs me and all that stuff, that i’m the only one who can help him, but he’s sick of talking to me, so that latter part is obviously a lie. maybe he just thought he did. he says i’m such a good person but he doesn’t even like spending time with me anymore even though he says he likes me.
  he doesn’t want me to leave him and also i need to help him because he’s suffering. he’s always suffering and he needs me. it hurts. he hurts me. his behavior and his situation, but i like him a lot.

I’m a stranger in the internet so I can’t say for sure but this doesn’t sound like a normal loving relationship.
From the outside it sounds like your partner pushes you away and/or says mean and hurtful things and then changes tune and tells you how much they love and care about you. Someone that loves and cares about you wouldn’t put you through that constant roller coaster on purpose.
If my armchair judgement is correct and if this behavior is purposeful then I would say your partner is boarder line emotionally abusive. If I’m correct but it’s huge emotional swings outside of your partner’s control then your partner might have problems that need treated with therapy and maybe medication.
Again, stranger on the internet, not a therapist.
- thank you so much!! He has been depressed with anxiety lately
  
  As someone who lives with depression and anxiety, I can assure you that neither of these things justify being an asshole to people who you supposedly care about.
  While you can be supportive, it's still on him to put in the actual work to manage these and any other issues (getting professional help as necessary) in order to best hold up his end of the relationship and deserve you. If he isn't ready and willing to do that, he isn't ready and willing to be in the relationship.

I feel like you should listen to the Arctic Monkeys songs “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High” and “Do I Wanna Know?” They are comforting and calm songs and they match the vibe a bit minus being intoxicated
- thanks i will!

every day, i wish for the impossible to happen. for him to love me. he says he does, but idk if i can believe it anymore.

to me it sounds he wants to break up but doesn’t want to feel bad, as another user said. or he at least wants a break.

28 comments