4d ago

How do you gently tell someone you only want to keep seeing them if it's on a dating level?

There is this girl I like, she knows I would like to go on a date with her someday. She isn't sure what she wants at the moment. That's all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her. And I just don't really care all that much for a friendship anymore. It screws with my psyche, it's like only being allowed to smell a fine wine instead of drinking it. (bad analogy, but fuck it)

I've had enough. I just want to tell her I don't like seeing her on just a friendship level any more. And if she doesn't see me as a romantic partner, which is totally A-okay fine with me, but it will mean I'm walking away from this friendship all together. At the same time I don't want to force her to make a decision (she sometimes has trouble saying no). And here's the real son of a gun, she is highly suicidal and takes endings of friendship badly (as she herself has said).

So does anyone have any advice to spare here? Yes, I'm a terrible person so think of it for her sake. Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.

43 comments

Oh that's easy, you say "I wanna keep seeing you but on a dating level."
Just be blunt and honest man. It's that simple.

100% do it.
No woman should ever take an ultimatum like that, but it's better for her to know who you are then you creeping around her and growing resentful while she thinks you're legitimately a friend.
This way everyone goes their separate ways. Eventually you might learn that it's not an either or thing and good relationships are friendships.

Sometimes things end because someone wants something the other doesn’t. That’s ok. It’s life.
But if you never take the shot, then you’re keeping something alive in hopes of some potential future breakthrough, and that’s not fair to you (or them) either.
So, rip the bandaid off and commit. If that’s not what she wants, that’s on her, and you can move on.
And please, please, please remember— her mental health issues are her own and not yours to solve or navigate like a minefield.

I cannot fathom why you would want to date someone you don't want as a friend unless you're just horny about them and misdirecting that into romance.
- The problem is that I want more than friendship. It just leaves too much to be desired.
  
  You want all this from someone you say is highly suicidal. You understand that you would be setting yourself up for failure, don’t you?
  If she’s not in a good place, then your relationship will suffer. You need to be realistic here.
  
  Honey this is gross she's better off without ya

I want to be sympathetic but alarm bells are ringing with the immediate juxtaposition of "that's all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her" and "I just don't really care all that much for a friendship".
If the issue was that it's painful to be around her until you can work the feelings out, then that wouldn't be half as bad as saying that she's not worth keeping as a friend if you can't date her.
- “that’s all fine but I genuinely begin to develop feelings for her” and “I just don’t really care all that much for a friendship”.
  Okay I may have not worded it very well there. What I mean is that I don't want to be in this "friendzone" any more. I really don't and I don't see myself being happy remaining as such.
  
  So, if she won't give herself to you, you can stop wasting your time on her and find someone else to hang around and obsess over?
  I recognize this behavior, because I used to do it. Spoiler: it doesn't work.
  Go meet more people, stop treating women differently from men, and remember: getting laid won't happen until you stop forcing it.

You're taking the wrong path, I see some things that you may not be considering.
Friendships don't need to be defined by beginnings and ends. The gentlest way to cool a friendship is to spend less time with them.
Spending time within someone you find attractive doesn't screw with your psyche. An internal cycle of hope and rejection does.
She already rejected you, you said it in the post. 'Its not the right time' is not an invitation to wait, it's a gentle no (and it's much worse approach than just saying no). Accept it and move on. If your thoughts wander to oh but maybe we could be together if I do something - remind yourself she said no. If you need further clarification ask again.
Threatening to end the friendship for a romantic relationship has zero good outcomes. If you can't handle the rejection or don't want to be her friend, then stop making time to see her. The only reason to explain that it is 'because you want more', is the thought that it will change her mind - remember emotional manipulation is gross and rapey but don't worry you haven't done it yet. Thinking about things isn't doing them.
Also, you sound like a young man, so I just want to affirm that the drive to have sex can be wild strong, and make clear thinking hard. It's okay, just remember you don't want be with someone who you can get to agree to a relationship with you, you want to be with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Everyone is worth that much.

If she's not a good enough friend that you're willing to just walk away from her, then dating is probably a bad idea.
- It's nothing about her not being good enough. It's my own feelings that are in the way.
  
  I disagree with the person you're replying to - romantic partners and friends have a lot in common but they are not the same thing. And just because you were romantically interested in someone doesn't mean you owe them friendship. These things are difficult and if you don't want to keep being a friend for whatever reason that's fine.
  
  Your feelings for what?

See, what you do is, step 1, buy a mansion. With a huge basement.
Step 2, install several cages in that basement. Full iron bar.
Step 3, hire ninjas to use sleeping darts on her to knock her out.
Step 4, imprison her naked in one of your many basement cells. Each of these cells has a human sized hampster wheel. She now has to run on this hampster wheel all day. Doing so produces electricity, which powers your house.
Step 5, repeat steps 3-4 until all the cells are filled with more naked slaves!
Step 6, install webcams and start a business called "WeRunOnHampsterWheels.com". Create a new fetish based on bouncy boobs running on a hampster wheel, which you now have a temporary monopoly on, and a head start, and an unfair advantage in being able to create live content 24/7 for free.
Never once show your face in this house. Ever.
Step 7, after years of hampster wheel slavery, you "break into" the mansion, and find this woman you used to know who hasn't been seen in like 15 years.
Step 8, tell her you COULD get the key hanging on the wall, and set her free......but you only want to see her in a dating sense.
She'll be so thsnkful that she'll agree to anything.
Checkmate!
- Where am I supposed to get a hamster wheel??
  Also, I feel like at that last stage we may as well just remain friends.
  
  See.....this is why you're having trouble finding dates. Women love a man who has his shit together, and has multiple hampster wheels!

You’ve outlined it in your post. Your conversation is about how you want more than a platonic friendship and if she doesn’t, you are developing feelings and for your own sake cannot continue to hang out.
Whether you could still be her friend via text or on a other level is also up to you, do you need a clean break or can you just “take a break” and reach back out to her when you’re ready or whatever?

End the friendship now.
She doesn't want you plus the suicidal ideations complicate matters.
Don't make it a thing, just stop being in her life slowly. It doesn't need to be an event, just stop being around her.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you don't like?
- Honestly it sounds like the opposite. I've been there before... having feelings for someone but not being able to act on them. Feeling complete jealousy when she begins dating someone else, it can fucking hurt big time. People can say it's selfish or whatever, but honestly the feeling can tear the hell out of someone, and it's better for both parties to cut ties.
  However it is really tricky to handle it. Because you can't let it sound like an ultimatum (IE sleep with me or I'm out).
  IMO the only real way to go about it is, shoot your shot. Ask her officially on a date, if she would like to consider taking things to a relationship level. If she seems not to want it, I'd try and fade out the friendship slowly. IE actually make yourself busier. Commit to more events with other friends, pick up a time consuming hobby etc...
  Most friendships drift apart anyway. If you want to spend less time with her, start spending more time on something else and let the friendship burn out the natural way they tend to do.
- I never said I didn't like her. It's quite the opposite.

Send her this. It’s honest, plus she’ll have time to think instead of feeling pressured to respond instantly.

As someone who had this mindset from social pressure in their younger years, you should get over yourself. A friendship and a dating/sexual relationship can be separated by being able to let go of the feeling of being rejected.
Because the friendship is going to end, one way or the other.
Your feelings of being rejected are valid, your reaction is counter productive in the long run. Try to be friends, let the rejection go. Focus on putting yourself out there to find someone else.

I've been in the same position. Let her know that it's too emotionally challenging maintaining a friendship due to your strong feelings. Be prepared to end all contact to protect yourself.

If you would break it off either way, just tell them how you feel. The worst that happens is she doesn't feel the same and you stop seeing them. But the potential she feels the same is there, too.

Just be nice, say your romantic feelings are getting to you too much and that you want to back off if you can't pursue them. Staying open to occasional contact (like by email) is a lot better than cutting the person off completely.
Getting involved with someone with serious mental health issues doesn't sound like a great idea either, if they're not under some reasonable level of control.

You gotta shoot your shot and then be prepared to walk away if they're not interested. It's as simple as that. I've ended a few friendships with women I've developed a crush on as once I had a crush, they weren't really friendships anymore.

I'd like to be friends but only if we can have sex.
Doesn't really sound like a rock solid friendship there.
- That analogy is unfair to our genial mobster Fat Tony. People in romantic relationships often do everything friends would do and more. Fat Tony isn't pursuing a romantic relationship because he's shallow. He's looking to back out of the relationship because it's too painful for him to not have the romantic aspect.
  It's going to be much less common for people to avoid friendships because they're so horny for the person they get blue balls. In your analogy, the person doesn't want the friendship because they don't even like the other person's company and only want to fuck. Fat Tony likes this person too much.
  
  Not enough to value her friendship, feelings, personal experiences, shared experiences and bond they had over potentially banging her!
  "Possibility of sex, or else I'm throwing it all out."
  How romantic. 💖
  
  A) It's not an analogy, it's a summation of facts.
  B) I would put heavy money says F Tony finds this person fairly attractive and bizzarely, this situation hasn't arisen with an unattractive female friend.
  C) I've been that asshole, I get it. But personally, a huge part of maturing from a boy to a man was learning the difference between friendship and romance, and that a friendship with an attractive woman who seems super compatible doesn't mean a romantic relationship is the next or best step. (Also, how fucking shitty is this to our lady friends?) It's a weird lesson and not one that everyone learns but my God, the world opens up once/if you do figure it out.

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