4d ago

Time to make your decesion

196 comments

Absolutely Wallace. He looks like he prefers to work in dead silence - thumbs up.
- Gotta be careful with that. I shared an office with an old guy once and had to bring headphones. We wouldn't talk, but he would constantly make old man noises. Coughs, grunts, snorts, etc. If I didn't block them out, they would drive me crazy like nails on a chalkboard. That said, the guy himself was really cool and I loved working with him otherwise.
  
  'Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.'
- Never shuts up about how the country has gone to hell, complaining about "the queers", etc, etc, etc.
  
  He could be a union supporter though - in my experience of doing labor organizing, the younger folks are usually more pro-union, then there's a dead zone of support from the Boomers, and then the really old folks are much more supportive because they grew up when unions were more of an active force.
  If Wallace is down to organize, then I'd pick him and just take the risk that he's got some shitty opinions that I'll have to work through and re-educate him on.
  
  Alternatively, may have a shitload of good jokes and all around pleasant person to work with. Its a mix with the elderly. The sharp ones are awesome sometimes
- Alternatively, he's the type of old fart that constantly makes calls when they could've been emails.
  
  And when it's a message I bet it would be just Hi and nothing after that until you reply
  
  "Anything longer than a sentence deserves a phone call"

The answer is Wallace. Every old dude with a desk near me has been a solid guy who shuts the fuck up and always makes coffee before I get in.
- There is always an exception. One of my older coworkers once came in to work with a sprained ankle. I asked why and he said he got it from kicking a dog, with zero remorse in his expression. I wish I had not asked. I knew he was weird but that detail cemented my opinion of him.
  
  Maybe the dog was about to attack a small child.
  I've seen someone poke a dog in the ass with a stick. They were a hero. Dog was latched on to someone's leg.
- A stereotype .... but why do old people wake up so early and go to bed so early?
  
  People have different circadian rhythms on average as they age. We simply associate the pattern of those middle aged and older with virtue. Middle age and old people raise children, and they teach children that the sleep patterns of the elders are wise and just, while the sleep patterns of the youth are slovenly and sinful. Our entire concept of "early" is defined by what middle age and older people simply adapt to naturally without force or effort. Older folks tend to wake up at a certain hour, so we just declare that the hour everyone is expected to wake at.
  The most insidious form of this temporal bigotry is how we typically force high school students to start school at the earliest time of day of any school students, even though high school students have the latest natural waking time of any age group. We value "teaching lessons" to our youth more than we do actually teaching them. So we drag them out of bed at an unnaturally early hour so that they can make class at 7 AM. We then berate and shame them for being sleepy and inattentive in the unnaturally early classes we require them by law to attend.
  And I say all this as someone in their late 30s who naturally wakes up pretty early. From an evolutionary perspective, it makes a great deal of sense why we have people with different natural sleep and wake times, and for those preferences to shift with age. We spent several hundred thousand years living as small groups huddled around campfires. Part of warding off predators is having people on watch through the night. Having people who don't have to fight to stay awake late into the night makes that guard duty so much easier. In prehistory, I imagine the young adults staying up late into the night after the adults are asleep, enjoying some time to themselves, tending the fire, and watching for predators. The last of the youth to go to sleep would trade off with the earliest rising of the elders. We are a social species. We are evolved to live in groups. And a group is more effective with a diversity across many characteristics, including sleep/wake times.
  But we've forgotten this fact and turned a simple consequence of evolution into a moral issue. And for that, we as a society abuse our youth and force them to wake at unnaturally early hours for the sake of puffing up the sense of moral superiority of the middle aged and older. Collectively, our relation to early waking times, and especially how we use it to collectively abuse our children, is one of our greatest sins as a culture.
  
  Well the getting up early is because we go to bed early. And we go to bed early because we can and no one can stop us.
  
  My favorite old guy I worked with, I was around 25 at the time, he was early 70s.
  We used to joke that I'd call him with a wake up call when I was getting home from the bar, and he could return the favor when he took his morning break. He was in the office every day at 5:30.
  
  WWII
  
  Because we have to get up to pee a bunch of times during the night and eventually can’t sleep at all so we get up for the day. Which results in our being tired AF and having to go to bed early.
  
  You start to lose endurance. Your body becomes less efficient at recovery, and while you're not pushing as hard and you don't need as much sleep, you find that kicking it off earlier is advantageous. Your eyesight starts to deteriorate, you start finding that doing work in bright light affords you better focus through the pinhole effect.

Shiloh, i like Radiohead
- I was gonna say, what's the downside?
  
  Yeah, it might just be we have a lot to talk if she’s not fixated on only on Creep.
- Shiloh, I have earbuds and like Emma Roberts.

Wallace.
Dude just wants to shut up and work, make it to retirement. You could probably engage him about his grandkids or his fishing trip if you wanted.
All the rest of them are gonna want to bother you with their problems or hobbies.

"Natural deodorant" is usually just a block of an aluminum salt crystal, which'll work just fine since that's the kind of stuff in "industrial" deodorants too. Stains more and dries out your skin though since you usually end up with way more of the stuff in your pits, which is sorta ironic I guess.
So I think I'd go with Shiloh or Dayzie?
- Weird, here natural deodorant means it doesn't contain any aluminum.
  But I'd gift Shiloh high end headphones, and hopefully Walter is one of those spry 100 year olds with tons of interesting stories and anecdotes about life.
  
  with tons of interesting stories and anecdotes about life
  ...which he will find ways to clumsily segue into again and again, regardless of how many times you've heard them
  
  Weird, here natural deodorant means it doesn’t contain any aluminum.
  My guess would be that'd depend on who's calling it "natural". You definitely do see that meaning here as well, even in the same store
- So the salt crystal deodorants are potassium alum, which has been used for thousands of years for various things. It’s a naturally occurring rock, and people found it has mild antiseptic properties and stop small cuts from bleeding. It’s a popular aftershave for that reason, commonly available for purchase as an “alum block”.
  When used as a deodorant, what’s actually happening is you’re creating a salty layer on your skin that bacteria can’t form on. (No idea how that works out in practice, I use actual deodorant lol). And indeed it is used in many actual deodorants for that exact purpose
  HOWEVER, and I want to mention this not because you said anything wrong but because I have found it to be a source of confusion for many people, it is not the same as the aluminum salts used in antiperspirants. Namely aluminum zirconium and aluminum chlorohydrate. Different chemicals. They function by blocking your pores so the sweat doesn’t release in the first place.
  Many people are concerned, whether or not the concerns are founded, that the antiperspirant aluminums are mired in health risks such as cancer. The alum blocks are not wrapped up in that in any way, other than the fact that they are also used in (and used alone as) deodorant. It’s an interesting little piece of nuance that doesn’t come up much due to the relative non-popularity of the alum blocks
  
  This is correct. I use the potassium alum one and it’s fine. The people who say it doesn’t work either don’t know how to use it or are just too sweaty that they need antiperspirant instead. They are only effective for max 24 hours in a regular setting (not exercising or sweating heavily), but ideally re-apply after 12 hours. So they don’t last as long as regular deodorant or antidepressant. Just make sure to apply regularly, and wash your pits before putting it on if you’re not fresh out of the shower. I’ce ruined a lot of shirts because of antiperspirant, and now I don’t have a problem.
  Unfortunately some people are simply just too sweaty that antiperspirant is necessary. Your stink level also depends on the chemical makeup of your sweat. For example, a lot of koreans don’t stink when they sweat, lucky bastards.
  
  Good comments! I just want to add that in case any folks are concerned about the aluminum, it’s not present in most deodorants but rather only in antiperspirants.
  Also I found this article about the whole subject which I found interesting: https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/blog/should-i-switch-to-aluminum-free-deodorant/
  
  I tried switching to an alum block for those exact concerns. Didn't work for me and made me actually smell worse than when I forget to put on antiperspirant. I think I'd rather risk cancer and not smell like a pair of used gym shorts.
  
  Huh, interesting. I could have sworn that the "block of crystal" thing I had N years ago was an antiperspirant and not just a deodorant, but it's been a while and I can barely remember what happened last week. I just remember that it was some aluminum salt or another, but thought it specifically wasn't alum (which I still use for small nicks and cuts)
- Natural deodorant = sweat

Wallace. In a heartbeat. Cause if someday he doesn’t have one, I’ve got my own office!
- Finally the voice of reason. And until then I got an extra cool Grandpa figure in my life to tell me goofy stories.
  
  Monkey paw: he's a raging maga

Shiloh all the way.
- If he only listens to radiohead, why's he got a gary numan shirt on?
  
  Poser
  
  I find it very funny that there's like a 50/50 split between people who see Shiloh as male vs female
  
  Good point, I didn't catch that
- On a somewhat related note, does anyone else find Radiohead a bit insufferable? Their entire discography seems to be aimed at angsty 14 year olds with first world problems:
  Creep - Oh no, my love interest finds me weird.
  No surprises - Boo hoo I live a comfortable middle class existence, woe is me.
  Wolf At The Door and Knives Out get a pass for cool music videos and genuinely disturbing lyrics.

Wallace.
- Torn between Wallace and Lewis. They're both farters, but one wears headphones. Maybe Wallace will take me to steak at lunch.

I'll go with Lewis. Him and I can do a great duet with our farting generator.

Shiloh. Radiohead isn’t terrible, and they’d probably be open to other interesting music, and so may make for better conversation than Crossfit Bro or Engaged Lady.
- Shiloh won't listen to you it clearly says Shiloh only listens to radiohead...
  
  Only listens to Radiohead right now
- Have you ever tried speaking to a hardcore Radiohead fan about music? They're great and all, but I swear if Thom York recorded himself taking a shit and released it they'd be telling you how it was the most revolutionary shit ever taken.

Hannah, because in a few months she won't be just engaged so she will turn less annoying.
Also Wallace. I generally don't mind old people. Maybe I'm getting old myself but stay off my lawn!
- Same picks for the same reasons.
  ... although I'm less proud to admit that I read it as "Known Father" the first time, didn't catch it until I came to the comments, and he still didn't make the top 2.
  I just kinda figured that "Known Father" meant he was always talking about his kids and experiences with parenthood, and that was enough to eliminate him.
- Plot twist, her fiancee refuses to commit to a date and she will be engaged for years, constantly planning a wedding that will never come. Growing more and more frustrated and vocal about her upcoming wedding.
  
  It's against my morals to use another persons mental anguish for my own amusement, but if she annoys me for years even after I've brought it up with Susan from HR I would eventually do that.

Lewis. I fart a lot too and have very little to no sense of smell. Open up the window and we'll fart together all day.
- smart plan. And you could actually leave the window closed and ensure that no other co workers bother you. Who is going to walk into a methane chamber

Hannah: Get her to invite me to the wedding, meet her friends and all the social circle. Very helpful to grind that social experience
Caleb: dude is probably shredded and knows not only how to eat healthy, but, by comparison, will force you to eat healthy as well. Probably can help with grinding the social experience as well
Wallace: if you get him to open up and share his work experience, this could be the teaching of a lifetime. Also helps to grind the social experience as he probably has young nephews, and family gatherings to invite you
These 3 are my best choices

I've had Hannah, Caleb, Wallace and Susan.
Hannah is annoying at first, but it will blow over.
Caleb will talk about sports and that will be all he talks about. You can tune him out, but he will learn to hate you, because you don't value his feats of manliness.
Wallace is ok at first, but becomes really tiresome. His worldview is from 1920s, blatantly racist and doesn't realize it, judges you constantly according to some stereotype that is based on some guy he knew 100 years ago and gives you occasional corrective sermons that make no sense, because they are for that guy he once knew.
Susan appears to be ok, but is a psycho. Will try to manipulate you and delegate stuff to you, even though doesn't even work in for the same department. Everything is a thing that will be decisive to your career and soon marks you down as a looser, because you don't listen to her. Will leave the company, because everyone is a looser.
Edit: so anyone in the top four. Office already stinks and on music is allowed.
- The last two guys in my team that got retired were 65, but excellent people, and taught me lots, so my first instinct was Wallace. But reading your report, it occurs to me that maybe the description "Is like 100" actually implies a certain oldness of mind that I didn't consider.
- Agree on Caleb. He will quickly tune out due to your lack of interest and there will be peace in office.
- I've been sharing an office with a Wallace. It can be tiresome. But one can occasionally learn things and ignoring the annoying parts can be part of what you can learn. I'd certainly chose Wallace of these options.

Aww, probably Hannah. As much as I would want to be surly or jealous of someone else finding their person, I could use some positivity in my life.
- Yeah, Hannah wouldn’t be bad. If that’s the worst thing about her, she would be okay.
- ... bit of a roll of the dice. You don't want to hear the minutia of wedding planning every day.

Wallace
- Wallace. Wallace probably doesn't give a fuck anymore, and once you gain his trust, is going to say some hilarious shit as a result.
  
  Thats it, he knows the company doesn't give a fuck and hes just waiting it out. Also I bet he has some stories or wisdom to bestow.

Radio head it is then

Shiloh i dont mind listen to radio
- Be careful, I had a friend who only listened to Nine Inch Nails. I really liked NIN. His obsession was too much. I hung out with him a lot growing up, like sleepovers every other weekend stuff like that. When I did sleep over, he could only go to sleep by putting on a NIN cd on repeat... let's just say it's been over 20 years since that, and I still have no interest to ever listen to them again. I like Radiohead and would not want this same fate for them.

Wallace. Bet he's seen some shit.

I'd be fine with several of these.
Brice: I've never understood people's distaste for that smell. I won't microwave tuna in an office because I know others don't like it, but it wouldn't bother me.
Wallace: probably has some great stories, but also likely wants to shut up and get things done. Great combination if handled correctly.
Shiloh: hey, you can play anything on your headphones, I'm cool with that. But if you want to play stuff on speaker it's only fair that we play 50/50. (My secret: I could totally do up to 75% Radiohead)
Dayzie: again, not a smell that tends to bother me.
- Yeah, I think all but hr would be fine for me just because hr's main job is to protect the company above all else.

Susan. Make friends with HR. Get your folder marked, "promote ahead of peers".
- Nah ACAB. (Hr are cops in my head cannon)
  
  My wife is the admin Spock. In her last job, she knew the bosses were unreasonable and was willing to cover for the employees more or less (some were jerks or incompetent. They didn't last long.)
  Though generally, if upper management does something outright scandalous or outright illegal, HR usually helps cover it up. I don't think she'd be willing to cover sexual assault, but she did had to cover up grift by clients.
- Just remember that Rule of Acquisition #48 always applies when dealing with HR:
  The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife!

Whichever isn't a fucking bigot.
- I'm willing to bet Lewis has some very strong opinions about women, race relations, and video game journalism.
  
  Judgy but okay

Wallace or Susan. Almost every place I’ve been HR is the freakiest of the groups and generally doesn’t care. (And yes that’s annecdotal and I’m sure there will be others who say they’re the worst)
- Until you make a non offensive joke, but still end up going to sensitivity training

Who gets an office anymore. I though it was all hotdesking bullshit
- Sharing your hotdesk, at the same time.

Because judging people on prejudice is what we like doing. It's innate, but also a bit harmful towards those that don't fit the mold.
Also a lot of love for Wallace. That may also be why we favor older people in elections. I don't think that's a good thing.
I know it's a shit post, but I felt like doing a Debby downer in here. Disregard if it spoils your fun.
- Yeah, my thoughts exactly, even before reading the comments. Yeah, it's a shitpost, but "Oh, Wallace is considered bottom of the barrel because.. he's like 100?" Straight up ageism.
  
  In my personal experience, "the really old colleague" is often a real throw of the dice between stubborn-as-fuck-never-matured-know-it-all and very-interesting-seen-it-all-genuinelly-mature-colleague - so basically opposite ends of the scale. Often there's also the corner-guy-just-counting-their-days-till-retirement, which doesn't say much about that person since they're not really into establishing relationships with people whom they will soon never see again and just keep a low profile.
  If you're early career, having one of the seen-it-all kind of older colleagues is probably one of the best things it can happen to you, especially if you're a bright kid.
- sdklf;gjkl;dsgjkl;dsgjkl;dsgsjkl;g

All of the above. Let's party!

I know this is a joke but most of these seem fine to me
- Now tell me why you're on this list?
  
  I'm like 100

I used to sit next to someone like Hannah in an open plan office. She was lovely. Really happy and excited for her future.
- I would be just concerned because she might soon go to maternity leave and it is not clear who would cover for her during her absence
  
  I guess I'm spoiled because I don't understand how this becomes an issue?
  If someone leaves for parental leave (or quits) and you're now more understaffed, some less important things won't get done. It's kind of the company's problem to have the staff it needs. If you suddenly have to do two full jobs for one salary, you're kinda getting scammed.
- Yeah, I hated her.

Anyone but Brice, tbh.
Idk what’s supposed to be bad about getting engaged
Everyone farts
I like Radiohead
Natural deodorant works fine for a lot of people
Most people I’ve known who do crossfit have been very aware that talking about it is a meme
Dudes who are super old and still working tend to be fun
HR folks have a lot ot useful info for getting the most out of your employment
Edit: I will decline Wallace, too, actually. As fun as he might be, at 100 there’s a pretty good chance he’ll die on the job and I don’t wanna deal with that.
- It says "is like 100", not "is 100", so that just means something like > your own age * 1.33
- I think the "engaged" one is just a different version of the CrossFit meme.

I get to work in an actual office (_) with walls?
Also... Wallace.

Kinda wanna have Susan in your corner, tbf.

Dayzie
- me too, i like the way women smell…

Dayzie
- This is the correct answer... As long as there's no patchouli in it... That shit smells awful

What is all natural body deodorant? Also, anybody but Susan.
- Either no deodorant, or something that doesn't work that says it works, but it definitely doesn't.
- A déodorant that's made from more organic ingredients.
  For example Cocos oil and soda. In my experience it has been streets ahead of a commercial déodorant. It allows me to sweat but eliminates all smell, even when applying after I've already started to sweat.

Dayzie obviously

Ah the scenarios we are forced to imagine with back to office mandates. I'll go with Dayzie because we have similar ideologies about deodorant and I can't wait for someone to complain to Susan so I can be oppositionally defiant.

what's wrong with microwaving tuna?
- Hello Brice, we all went to the pub after work but we didn't invite you.
  
  I'll tell Susan
- Some people really hate the smell of any seafood being heated up. I live in Japan and, when I worked in a small office, it was entertaining to see how coworkers from various countries coexisted. Several hated seafood or even things smelling too oceany or the like. They were largely outnumbered and often left at lunch. Even dried fish being eaten could set them off just from the package being opened.

I eat an insanely high protein diet and I crossfit regularly... "I'm not locked in here with you, You're locked in here with me!"

Lewis for sure we can have competitions
- I've been there. My opponent ended up kneeling before me and admitting defeat.
  
  I think he was half way gassed out not kneeling
- The only rule; first to shit themselves loses
  
  No way the first to shit themselves wins

sdklf;gjkl;dsgjkl;dsgjkl;dsgsjkl;g

Caleb, easy choice. Like do you know how great CrossFit is for you? Dude you don't even need equipment! Just start...
- Honestly I was full go on Caleb as well from the start.
  He's motivated and energetic (qualities I want in the atmosphere surrounding me at work, keeps the energy going and hopefully keeps mine up as well.
  If your going to be casual friends with the person you are working directly with. Them practicing healthy habits encourages the idea that if we eat together at lunch or anything... I likely won't be eating shitty food all the time, but rather a health conscious diet at lunch. Possibly small snacks throughout the day which is awesome to have snacks.
  If you make friends with your coworker, those are the things that are being dragged into our hangouts outside of work, or possibly the motivation to also hit the gym or what not before work and get started early.
  As a single person, the people that Caleb interacts with at the gym and they are interested in hanging out with outside of work are likely going to be also health conscious/active. So if I am going to meet someone through our friends group... a health conscious, active woman sounds like something I would prefer because I prefered those things in my 8-5 already.

I'm not sure id have a problem with any of these honestly.
- What an HR thing to say
  /s
  
  I mean, we're going on no information but one data point. Certainly hr is up there on odds to have some issues. But I'm at a work place were people generally get along well.

I’d share an office with Brice only so I could steal his lunch every day, open it, and dump it into a sealed trash can.

Uno reverse challenge: It's your job to allocate two of these people to the same office, and if one of them quits, gets fired, or dies you get that office to yourself. Which two do you pair up for the fastest vacancy and why?

Dayzie or Wallace. They both seem pretty easy.

Tough crowd. I would go with the farter. Everyone farts.
- But not everyone is known for it...
  
  True the rest are just better at hiding/holding them.

Wallace is my boy! We ride or die together!
I can't fucking stand the zeal today's youth has for life.

I would get Shiloh but I bet he talks in math and buzzes like a fridge

Lewis or Wallace. or both, so I can have fun hearing them fight

When Wallace croaks ya got your own office
Hannah’s happiness and optimism would probably be good for me but could also backfire hard
- I think Hannah would be okay unless she turns into a bridezilla. Not because I’d be involved but because I’m guessing bridezillas are probably deeply unhappy people that take their misery out on others.

Jacksepticeye

196 comments