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What are some dating mistakes you often see when people try seeking a partner?

I have a few.

One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you'd explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.

Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you're suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don't like children. You're suddenly okay with dating religious people but you're not religious. Things like that. Because it means you're desperate and you're setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.

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    • Profiles with no hooks. They'll have like 3 unremarkable pictures and a bio that says like "I like hanging out". What is your match supposed to do with this? It's extra bad if their bio says like "I hate small talk".

    Side note: small talk plays important roles in socializing and is an important skill. Use it to steer the conversation to interesting topics.

    • Getting too in their head and bailing for flimsy reasons. Like, if the guy threatened you definitely do not continue. But I had a friend that was like "he was really sweet and lived nearby, but his hair was browner than his photos and I just wanted blonde". Like what. That is not a good reason to bail.

    No one's going to be perfect. People are going to be nervous on a first date. Give them a chance.

    • Conversely, sticking with a relationship too long. Contrary to the above, sometimes you really should call it. If the guy isn't treating you with respect, you don't have to keep going. If you realize you never look forward to seeing them, you should probably end it.
    • Chatting too long before meeting. You're not a real person to them when you're just over text. You're missing body language and tone. You want to meet in person quickly.

    The general flow for me is like

    • Initial message. Hopefully ask something about their profile
    • if they respond well, maybe another couple follow up questions.
    • clear any deal breakers. Eg: if you have a kid, ask "hey I just wanted to check you saw on my profile I have a toddler. Are you okay with that?"
    • ask if they want to have a date in person to see if you get along
    • schedule the date
    • go on the date

    If the online chat ends and you haven't scheduled a date, but you want to, that's bad. You don't want to be having a second "hey what's up?" tinder chat.

    • related to the above: dead ending the chat. Don't do that. Like, let's pretend your profile says you love dragon age. They message you with "I've been a dragon age fan since origins! Did you play Veilguard yet? I'm thinking of starting it this weekend". You respond with "I haven't played it yet ". What the fuck kind of garbage reply is that? What is the other person supposed to do with that? They essentially have to send you another first message. Good first messages are hard! Give them something to work with. "I haven't played it yet, but I loved origins! Always played mage. What was your favorite origin?" You almost always want to ask a question.

    If this doesn't come naturally to you , that's fine. Just remember with your brain "always ask a question". You need to give them something to work with.

    • Don't non sequitur into sexual details. Sorry, but them's the norms. Like, a friend was chatting with a match about Star Trek and the guy out of the blue was like "so do you like anal?". Unmatched.

    And a last thought that ended up stranded at the bottom of this post, and I'm writing on my phone so editing is hard:

    "But what about people who want to take it slow?" Do you want to date someone who doesn't want to date? I don't.

    edit: minor error from autocorrect

  • Not sure whether it’s a mistake or not, but when I see people being so negative on their profile, I skip. It’s fine to announce your intentions (eg, looking forward a commitment, not looking for a situationship), but if your profile is mainly a list of don’t’s, then that to me screams you’ve still got issues to work through.

    Another one are the people who either don’t fill out a profile, or say something trite like “if you want to know, ask”. That makes me think you’re lazy, and expect the other person to do all the work. If you can’t be bothered even a little, then I can’t be bothered even a little.

  • If you met online, do a video chat as early as possible before you get all emotionally invested. I've been catfished more times than I can remember.

  • Don't rush into things. Be friends for awhile first. It establishes more natural connections, and you learn more about the person well before you start doing lascivious things like holding hands.

  • A friend: if they are immigrants on a work visa, barely know you, and are pushing you to marry them to stay in the country, and also give you an STD and still refuse to wear condoms? Bad. My friend was rather an insecure person and considering this until she asked me for advice and I said that it was a bad idea. I do understand the plight of an immigrant but this was just wrong.

    Another friend: their boyfriend would ask them if he could take her Ritalin some days, and she was dealing with a personal struggle with alcoholism and would just say "ok sure I guess I just won't take it today" because she felt like she couldn't say no. He also did not call an ambulance when she had a seizure and eventually she was discovered to have an aneurysm that needed immediate evacuation, and she feels that was maybe because he beat her during a time when she was too drunk to remember and gave her a head injury, as she has a recording of something on her phone. Do not be with someone who will supply your addictions. Thankfully she got sober and got out.

    Me: if from the get go his mother is rude to you despite you being a polite and eager to please person, and when you finally say something to him about how she's being rude to you, and his only answer is to say "yeah, my mother can be very rude" in a tone that says this is the way it is and he sees nothing wrong with it, and does nothing to defend you from her behaviour or address it, that's bad. If he's cavalier about money and finances and his significant debt, and goes out behind your back and spends a lot of money and when you object says it's his "character flaw", or when he goes out behind your back and spends 3000 dollars on furniture you haven't even seen, and when you get mad and are angry at him for a while says "when are you going to take me off the cross?", as if you're the one with the problem? That's bad. If he gets suspended and also fired from work and lies to you and dodges the truth about why, that's bad. If a million other bad things happen, that's bad. If you break down and tell someone about how bad things are in your relationship, and he finds out and tells you that you should have kept it to yourself and "worked it out together" despite being super violent, manipulative, and puts you in a bad financial position because of it? That's bad. If you ever feel in danger and scared to come home, look at your texts from him, or spend any money, that's bad.

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