2w ago

Im on meds! [celebration/rant mix]

It's been pretty much exactly 20 years since a psychologist first suspected I have adhd. I finally got a Ritalin. The mixture of grief and elation I'm feeling is indescribable. I was robbed of so, so much in my teens and early-mid twenties, but I can finally begin to live my life.

Story if you want it: my mum took me to a child psychologist when I was 7 to get an opinion of whether it'd be a good idea that a skip a grade. I only know this because I overheard her telling it to friends as a funny story, and going like hahaha as if MY child is disabled/r-slur (where I live, people use disabled as a derogative, both for the disabled and as a generic one. Similar to how some people say gay as an insult. So, idk an accurate translation, it's inbetween). This was when I was maybe 12? I googled (at school, didn't have my own PC) and more or less concluded I have adhd, and that it wouldn't be safe or worthwhile to bring it up with mum.

As soon as I moved out (at about 19), I went to my GP about troubles focusing that I'd had my entire life. I think that's how I put it. She referred me to a neurologist and did bloodwork, but I never went, because the GP office gave the diagnostics and referral to my mum when she went to the office (it was her doc too; I've switched since). Mum gave me shit. My health insurance ran through her because I was a full time student, so, while it wasn't legal to show her my diagnoses, she would've seen what doctors billed my appointment through her insurance.

I struggled a bunch both with physical health and depression in my early twenties. So an adhd diagnosis wasn't the first of my worried. I did go to a psychologist who did a mini adhd test and concluded I had it. I must've been like 23? So I took her diagnosis to my psychiatrist who was treating my depression. Psychiatrist basically said that that's ridiculous, because I've graduated high school and even have a bachelors in a difficult area. I went back to the psychologist to get a recommendation for a new psychiatrist. Took about 3 years to get an appointment (not really their fault; they're suuuper booked out and kept telling me to call back in two weeks, and I kept forgetting because, well, adhd. I kinda just tried again every few months when i remembered.)

New psych is great. But I couldn't immediately get meds because they're a little hard on the heart, and so is my autoimmune disease. Had to get some ultrasounds, ECG, bloodwork. Would've taken probably a week or two as doctors usually aren't as booked out here (unless they're the only non private psych who treats adult adhd) but i suck at making appointments, so that was another few months.

I finally got the ok from all of them, and I got my prescription. I cried. At first from relief and joy. And then I actually tried them. And I cried again. This could've been how I felt my entire life? So much hardship and pain that could've been avoided. So much disappointment and 'but you're so smart!'. I mightn't even be depressed if I hadn't suffered this much every single day of my entire life.

If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading all that! What's your adhd story?

24 comments

Welcome friend! I hope your experience is as good as mine with taking meds and living with ADHD.
I never knew i had it until I was 23 and wadnt officially diagnosed until I was 26. I spent my whole life thinking I was lazy, stupid, and blamed all the other things that my ADHD created like anxiety and depression.
I went to 2 psychs, one said i had depression which yea no shit, you'd be depressed too if you couldn't do anything and wanted to do everything all at the same time for over 20 years, but the second psych i went to immediately recommended ADHD meds given all the symptoms i told her about as well as all the things i had already tried or was currently doing and still do to this day.
Its been an experience learning to not only do what I love/need to do but also rest. Part of me wants to go forever but if I dont rest, ill burn out. Overall its beem very positive for me. My mood is better, I can focus, I dont hear bits of music on reapeat every day all the time, I CAN THINK.
Absolutely life changing. I feel like i got off easy, first med I tried (generic adderall) has worked very well for me. Only noticeble side effect is I'm less hungry which is fine because i like to intermittent fast anyways.
- My psychologist did say that most people with untreated adhd have depression!
  My experience on meds is pretty similar. Holy shit is it nice when it's quiet in your head. I get so fucking much done. And I can rest more productively, I actually have some energy left over at the end of the day to exercise, read or draw. I knew I was exhausted all the time, but I never knew how much easier it could be if you don't use up so much energy for every tiny task.
  
  Right? Truly a gift man. Feels like I have a life now. Running your brain in overdrive all the time is exhausting.
  And yea anxiety and depression are often co-morbid with untreated ADHD, my psych has said as much as well.
  I'm really happy to hear that its working well for you. I hope that continues.
- I dont hear bits of music on reapeat every day all the time
  I almost want to say I'd miss this. But I think I'd rather not be spacing out humming "pink floyd - The Trial" and actually doing something
  
  Believe me, this isnt the "i got a song stuck in my head" thing.
  This is "I have a very specifc part of a song stuck in my head that repeats over and over again at nauseum" thing. It continues to be my measure for whether my meds are working or not.
- Only noticeble side effect is I'm less hungry which is fine because i like to intermittent fast anyways.
  Same here and I love it. It makes intermittent fasting so easy but it also doesn't stop me from eating. I just don't get hungry every 30 min anymore. My psych was telling me how loss of appetite could be a symptom that I need to keep an eye on and I was just like "Doc, I'm over 270 lbs. I could do with a reduced appetite." Sure enough I've been losing slightly over 1lb per week with no real effort and I'm still eating at least one full meal per day and usually two.

I wish my wife could have this experience. :-( She's been cycling through different meds trying to find one that makes her feel the relief and joy that many people talk about when they get meds.

My Mom was a teacher. Her opinion was that bad teachers with poor classroom management skills were causing ADD hysteria. In a way she was right. I didn't have discipline issues, so nobody at school pushed for me to get treatment. I had this story about myself. I was lazy and apathetic. That's why I had trouble doing homework. That's why I failed out of college. As an adult, realizing that I suffered from untreated ADHD, that my life could have been easier...its hard. Coming to terms with the injury that our parents inevitably cause is uncomfortable. I try to remember that fallibility is the human condition. I know I'm making mistakes with my son. I just hope that I'm getting more right than I get wrong.
- Yeah I've heard before that in some place, adhd was just a label slapped on unruly kids in some places. That's certainly part of where the stigma comes from and why some parents are so against their child getting diagnosed. But adhd is a genuine issue, and two wrongs (misdiagnoses and refusal to diagnose those who actually have it) don't make a right.
  I don't know you, but the way you're wondering about it seems like a sign you're a good parent. Especially in combination with the knowledge of what your parents did wrong (whether or not they meant to).
- I know I’m making mistakes with my son. I just hope that I’m getting more right than I get wrong.
  Exactly. I won't be making THAT mistake, but certainly others that my parents didn't. Who knows how it all adds up.

I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s, initially misdiagnosed as bipolar because hyperfocus was misdiagnosed as mania but after some med side effects and a better discussion with a new doc I got the right diagnosis and have been happy on ritalin for like a decade. Well, happy until it goes on back order every few years.
I completely relate to all the memes about being gifted and then crashing and burning in college when a lack of structure caught up with me. Doing really well now that I can keep it together for more complex tasks during the workday so I can put my creative way of seeing things to better use!
Still have to do the patterns because meds don't work 24 hours, but I can at least plan to take care of most things that I don't want to do before they wear off so my wandering mind doesn't sabotage my efforts.

Wow! Similar story here!
Was around 8 or 9 when I was diagnosed. They put me on Ritalin and it turned me into a zombie according to my mother. So… she took me off it.
Cut to 40 years later, I had all but forgotten about the diagnosis and had been being treated for depression and anxiety for decades.
New prescriber suggested we go after the ADHD aggressively, prescribed Vyvanse- and holy shit if my life isn’t different now.
So happy for you! The right meds make an actual world of difference.

I only recently got diagnosed with ADHD as well and I 100% feel you.
I got through highschool with a C average because I aced all my tests and did no homework. I flunked out of college because I would frequently get to campus and then be stuck sitting in my vehicle unable to make myself actually get out and go to class. I got diagnosed with depression and spent the next decade cycling through various antidepressants that sometimes seemed to do something but never actually fixed what was wrong with me. I talked to my gen prac about if it could be ADHD and he shot me down immediately. I tried to get in to see a psych but everywhere was so booked up that I couldn't even get on a waiting list. I went bankrupt, nearly lost my house, and only kept my job through some miracle because some years I missed more work days than I actually worked. I had no social life. I was a hermit and only refrained from serving myself the Kurt Cobain breakfast special because my mom would be sad.
Then one day about 3 months ago my only remaining friend said that their psychiatrist had openings and I got in there. I took one test and he said I definitely have ADHD. I got put on aderall and immediately everything clicked into place. I could think. My brain stopped perpetually screaming incoherently at me. I could actually make myself do things. If there was something I needed to do then I could just go and do it without sitting there locked up for hours telling myself that I need to do it and doing nothing. I could go to work. I could talk to people. I could begin organizing the disaster I had turned my life into, plan a way out, and actually follow through on that plan. I'm applying for new real jobs. I'm grooming myself. I'm paying my bills. I'm _{working on} socializing. I'm losing weight. I'm eating healthier. I'm getting hobbies as my still limited income allows. I can actually live my life. It is exhilarating and depressing at the same time because like you said, where would I be if I had actually been treated a decade ago? Where would I be if I hadn't spent the past 10 years sabotaging myself? There's the exhilaration of finally being free but I'm also mourning the loss of what could have been.
Now I'm in the process of going off the antidepressants I had most recently been on to see how I do just on the adderall and even in the middle of withdrawls I feel far better than I ever had in close to a decade. Yes I was depressed but that depression was because I looked around me and saw people succeeding where for me even the simplest tasks felt like trying to drag myself through a pile of broken glass. As soon as I was able to actually function and meet my own expectations of myself that depression seems to have vanished.
- Yes I was depressed but that depression was because I looked around me and saw people succeeding where for me even the simplest tasks felt like trying to drag myself through a pile of broken glass.
  This should be an official question on the ADHD screening because this explains how I feel exactly.
- Im so angry and sad for you friend. You've been robbed of so much more than me. I'm seriously so lucky that I get paid well, so I can live off savings if I lose a job again. I also live in a room that costs waaay less than market because I've got one of the few good landladies. I might even still finish my masters, though the amount of time it took me won't look good on a CV.
  Taking adhd seriously as a medical professional and actually helping those who have it genuinely saves lives. It's outrageous that it took so long for that to happen to you. I admire your mindset, that you're ready to now live the life you could've always lived. Rooting for you.
- How similar the life stories are. Maybe your depression diagnosis is just wrong, result of a line of questioning that caught problems caused by ADHD.
  Different for me is that I had some good years where one aspect worked out great, e. g. 4 great years of education around 30 out of nowhere, after so many previous attempts failed. A few years of healthy relationships and even marriage, before it all fell apart again. I am still able to draw a lot from skills learnt during those 4 years.
  Still no clue where those "good years" come from and where they went, just hoping that now, with treatment, it's all going to be good years, at least in terms of ADHD.

Congrats!

I was also recently diagnosed in my mid thirties, I’ve strongly assumed I’ve had adhd for the past 3-4 years but never went to get a diagnosis because I’m generally successful at work, have a bs and masters in sorts difficult fields, and did pretty okay in school (I was just “lazy” and didn’t do homework, but would ace tests). Over the past year though work has gotten extremely busy and we’ve been very short staffed and it’s all caught up with me. I had a couple of episodes of near burn out that made me realize I needed to do something. Hit a fairly quick appointment with a psychologist to do testing and learned that I have combined type adhd but it was likely not noticed because my general intelligence is above average so I wouldn’t have necessarily shown the same classic signs in school. I’ve talked to my parents about it and my mom honestly never considered adhd, but as I described typical symptoms she could name tons of times I showed most of them. My brother dies too, as does my dad and uncle (we’ve always joked that the family gene was our knack of starting a hobby, getting just good enough to prove we could do it then jumping to something else, also our habit of just putting down tools and such when a job is done and never putting them away, turns out that family gene is just adhd). I’m not mad at my parents, they aren’t doctors and in the 90s/2000s add/adhd had a stigma around it for kids that had it, so if I wasn’t running in circles in the corner then of course I didn’t have it. Recently started on atomoxetine and it’s taken a couple weeks but I for sure can tell a difference. I do wonder how things like my social anxiety and overall productivity would be different if I had been on meds for the past 5 years, 10 years, etc. I don’t think I’d be in the same place I am now, but I don’t know that I’d be better out worse, just maybe a bit more satisfied in a more regular basis. Our struggles and experiences are what mages us who we are. You have the friends you do, interests you enjoy, and hobbies (maybe too many) you do because of your past. Sure it wasn’t the most fun, and certainly not easy, but don’t look at it like a loss or a waste, look at now like a new chapter that you are entering.

This is SO insane. I wonder in my case how something could have been done sooner. The suffering has been going on undiagnosed and untreated for at least 35 years.
One thing that would have helped is if either a teacher or my parent who is a teacher would have been like: Ok, maybe 5 % chance of attention disorder, check it out please.
Sometimes, I suspect that a teacher got it and reported it to my parents, who angrily rejected it. There was a weird conflict between them and a teacher that made no sense, because I got along with that teacher, and what little I got was him "talking shit", yet he was the most thoughtful and scientific of them.
Another option: Just do a "full checkup" on people starting early in life, even for things where no indication has been reported. The vicious cycle of doctor visits: Patient comes, reports symptom -> questions -> tests -> whatever going on in their minds -> diagnosis. It doesn't work, at all. I feel like overall, a lot of money would be saved in the global economy (nobody cares for saved suffering anyway) if the procedure for things were: Doctor attempts treatment if it seems simple just once, if it fails, go full Doctor House. Might overall save money. All the negative findings from this would be a goldmine of information, and saved money, for 1 or 2 decades of doctor visits.
For ADHD, why doesn't everybody do a multiple choice test, not wasting any trained professional's time if it is clearly very negative? Further steps only if it is not very clearly negative.
And at some point, after decades of this, they pick up on what it caused, rather than the ADHD itself. The result of other people and yourself telling you that you are just an assclown who can't handle your own household, appointments, education, job.
In hindsight, the earliest that I presented something to a doctor that should have lead to ADHD, if investigated with full force, were gut / digestion problems in the 90s. 2000s, I came to a doctor for a sick note as things at a crappy workplace got "too much", got benzos, which helped through the worst. I often used the "too much" phrase over the next 2 decades, usually met with benzos or "can't really do anything with that phrase".
They study so long, shouldn't there be question techniques that get to the bottom of things? Even with a psychiatrist, when I said really clearly what was going on from my perspective, they were like: Wow, that doesn't help at all, can't do anything with that information. The way things are, you have to self-diagnose, then find out how to nudge them in the right direction by saying the right things.
- That last thing you said is SO spot on. If you don't already pretty much know that you have adhd (or other types of neurodivergence that you can somewhat mask), there's no way anyone else will ever consider it. Doctors and teachers aren't usually trained for it, and even if they are, parents are likely to reject the possibility because of the stigma. Plus, adult adhd hasn't been recognized for all that long, so plenty of doctors that don't keep up with science after they graduate just insist that it's not a thing.
  You basically have to specifically know that you have adhd and that you want treatment, and then you can start to look for professionals who specifically diagnose treat adult adhd. They're few and far between pretty much everywhere. If you're in a place where you need a referral, good luck also convincing your GP (I never told mine I needed the referral for adhd, I let him assume it's depression again. Though my psych said I don't HAVE to have a referral, it'll just be easier for them, insurance-paperwork wise).
  
  I'm in this boat now. After years of the wrong diagnoses, I'm finally figuring out it's been ADHD this whole time. But I keep running into issues getting a proper diagnosis and treatment. The last guy decided it was depression after one meeting with zero tests and it's just so frustrating. If he actually knew anything, he'd know it's more complicated than that. He also didn't listen at all.

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