2mo ago

Close friend came out as a trans woman to me and has started transitioning. She doesn't know that I am trans too.

Long story short, I've known that I was trans long before I had even heard the word. There were signs as early as 4 years old and I knew by the time I was 8. I'm in my late 30's now and I had come to a kind of peace about not transitioning. It's something that I want but because of life, family, and a lot of fear I decided not to.

Recently a very close friend who I've know for decades came out to me as a trans woman.

I want to tell her about myself but I'm worried about planting seeds of doubt about her transition because I've known I was trans for so long and yet haven't started transitioning myself. I'm afraid that if I try and explain why that she might internalize my reasons. If that makes sense. I've never told anyone my truth and I'd so love to have someone to talk to about it. Especially since my friends transition is causing me to second guess myself.

I would appreciate some thoughts on whether I should tell my friend.

32 comments

Your friend probably needs a lot of support right now, and to feel that she's not alone. It might also give you a chance to reconsider whether or not you're okay with being eternally closeted, and give you the opportunity to be yourself as well.
Granted, I still don't have a lot of experience in this area, buuuuut.... Having a supportive trans friend would have caused me to come out of the closet way sooner than I did, simply because I would have felt like I can fully be me around them; something which they probably need as well.
- Thank you, I want to provide all the support I can.
  She's definitely already caused me to reconsider. I've thought about it every day for months.
  
  You've been thinking it about it every day for months. You need to do it. Speaking as someone who started transistioning within a year of sobering up, you've been masking the pain of dysphoria with narcotics. That will kill you. And the dysphoria will get worse as you age. Do you talk to a therapist?
  
  Since you're reconsidering, just know it's never too late. I am transitioning in my 30s, and I have a close friend in her 40s that just transitioned, and she passes in most contexts already. You just never know how it will go, and while it's not guaranteed, for a lot of us just being on the hormones is worth it - it feels so much better, in ways you would have never thought. My suggestion would be to just try it, you don't have to make any decisions to transition at all, you can just inject estrogen for a few weeks and see how it feels and go from there. I think the general advice is up to 3 months the effects are completely reversible and you don't really have to commit at all. This video also really helped me.
  Anyway, I wish you well regardless of what you decide. ❤️

That’s not the kind of thing that I would assume makes people significantly insecure. What might happen though is that she will talk you into transitioning too…
And yes: Transitioning is SOOO good! It’s almost always worth it. 😊
- I hope not, maybe I'm projecting too much.
  It's possible she could... I haven't felt this constantly dysphoric in years.
  
  Girl(?), if my experience is any indicator of how this shit works, you've been feeling dysphoric the whole time, you just pushed it away so you didn't feel it. However, it was still there, hurting you in ways you couldn't see.

I realized at 29 and started at 31, there are trans women that started in their 60s, never too late.

You’re reconsidering your course of actions, it’s unlikely you’ll drive her to do the same.

As someone who literally didn't know until I was an adult, dysphoria has been crushing you for your entire life. It will crush you every day that you live unless you transition. Every day before I transitioned was a day I wasn't alive.
Yesterday I got in fight with my family because they still didn't understand what being a woman means to me. I'm not brave for transitioning. It took more courage to repress yourself for over three decades, even though you knew what you wanted. As soon as I knew I wanted to be a girl, I didn't make it a year before I was forced to transition or die.
I commend you for holding out for the sake of others, but you have the option of living for yourself. Nothing feels better than loving yourself, regardless of what your gender is. It's like seeing after being blind for your entire life. There will be no more going back because you'll never want to go back.

In my humble opinion, keeping the truth to yourself only for the reason that you believe they cant “handle” it (causing changes in decisions) would be a little arrogant
Because in a way youre the one concluding how she will react to the truth.
Obviously there plenty of other reasons why it would be valid to keep the truth. But to me, this reason which you gave isnt one of them unfortunately
- That's a fair take. After seeing everyone else advice I think I was projecting too much.

32 comments