8mo ago

what's a polite way to reject a picture with a very thankful patient who was under your care?

I have a problem with establishing boundaries.

I'm a private person. That's very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I'm not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it's tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don't understand why I have to explain myself constantly.

This very emotional and thankful patient wanted a picture with me and I stupidly agreed. He also wanted my phone number (I gave him a false one) to invite me to have lunch, as he celebrated his 70th birthday. I don't believe it was sexual or romantic, because he is married, his wife was there when he extended the invitation and took the picture and he also wanted to invite the whole unit.

I acted like this because it was the easiest way to get him to leave the hospital and free the room but also because I didn't want to cause a scene.

What could I do next time?

57 comments

If this only happens at work, then you can say, "Sorry, that's against my department's policy. We've had some incidents and my boss told us not to."

“ I appreciate the invitation but I have a policy to not meet patients outside of work or take photos with patients.”
(And, probably, so does the hospital, at least for the meeting people outside work,)
If they need more, a “it makes me feel uncomfortable.” And walk away before they make it weird.
Whatever you do, don’t blame policies at the hospital because other staff probably are okay with it, and/or they’ll removed at management who will respond with a “that’s not true….” Or something.
Once you’re outed it’s just gonna get weirder.
- Maybe there is such a policy. Doesn't hurt to check.
  
  If there really is a policy about it, then that's all that needs to be said, of course.
  I sort of imagine there is a policy about dating/romantic/otherwise intimate relationships with patients, but also imagine that as described there's no specific policy, if that makes sense.

Thank you, that's very kind, but for professional ethics reasons I'll have to decline your offer.
- I think it's also perfectly reasonable to say the truth instead, and replace "professional ethics" with "personal".
  If they are appreciative of you, and don't truly want to do whatever it is that makes you the most comfortable or happy, they should be exposed to a learning opportunity.
  If they get offended. Maybe they eventually figure out that, just maybe, you shouldn't express gratitude with selfishness.
  Anyways. That's ny two cents. Say it as it is.

It's shocking how many people are suggesting lying in a way that's so easy to get caught. "Weird I just took a picture with the nurses and the other doctor." That's going to make it even more awkward.
If I were you, just suck it up and take the picture, and then say you dont hand out your private number to patients and like to keep the relationships professional. This is presumably honest.
Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It's so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It's one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don't like it.
Not giving our your number is entirely reasonable, and I suspect is also honest.
- Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It's so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It's one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don't like it.
  I simply don't want to be in anyone's photo album. Not respecting my privacy is incredibly disrespectful and mean.
  
  Having your picture in someone else's album is such a non-thing that it just doesn't make sense to be this upset over it.
  I swear this is like arguing that you don't want to say please and thank you because you don't like talking to other people. Just suck it up and do it, as it greases the wheels of social interaction and would clearly, at least in the case of the OP, make this person happy.
  If you said no and they did so anyway, that would be disrespectful and mean. But telling you that it's the polite thing to do, and that you're just getting upset over what amounts to nothing, is neither of those two things.
  
  Not respecting my privacy is incredibly disrespectful and mean.
  You are wildly overstating it. Do you file a grievance every time the bank records your image? Privacy is not a right. You DID associate with the man, you DID socialize with the man, but you are so set against him recording the event that you consider it "incredibly disrespectful and mean?" Dude, that is a YOU thing.
- It's one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don't like it.
  and if he wanted to grab her ass just a little bit, would you also explain to your kid to just suck it up and get it over with?
  Sucks to be your kid, if you have some.
  
  Are you comparing sexual assault to having your photo taken? Yikes.
- Not taking the picture is really spitting in the guys face. It’s so quick and it goes a long way to making them feel good, and feel good about you. It’s one of those things I would explain to my kid that you just do it and get it out of the way even if you don’t like it.
  Not even close. Not at all.
  Spitting on someone, aside from being freaking nasty, mean, and frequently motivated by some type of bigotry, is pretty much considered the same as physical assault everywhere. Especially if one carries any sort of disease communicable by saliva (Hep-C comes to mind. Meningitis. COVID.)
  Also, why do you- or whoever- get to have their feelings considered, but not OP's? why do you feel like you- or whoever- is so entitled to another person's likeness that they should just "Suck it up"?
  This is ignoring the simple reality that sometimes, that photo going up on the internet puts the person who didn't want it up in direct, literal, harm. maybe their profession has some religious prohibition that there's violation. Maybe there's a stalker ex. Maybe they're in some type of witness protection or secret agent.
  We don't know why it's uncomfortable, and it really doesn't matter. People should be respected when they say "no, I don't want my picture taken."
  (my money is totally on secret agent.)
  But, yeah. Lying about there being a departmental prohibition on any of it is an easy way to just make the entire thing more awkward. It's best to simply be candid and decline.
  
  Spitting on someone, aside from being freaking nasty, mean, and frequently motivated by some type of bigotry
  It's a figure of speech. This is just pedanticism that completely avoids the actual point I made.
  Also, why do you- or whoever- get to have their feelings considered, but not OP’s? why do you feel like you- or whoever- is so entitled to another person’s likeness that they should just “Suck it up”?
  Because it's the OP asking for advice on what to do in a certain situation. If it were someone else asking me what to do in the situation where they want to take a picture with someone that doesn't want their picture taken, I would tell them to suck it up and go home without the picture.
  This is ignoring the simple reality that sometimes, that photo going up on the internet puts the person who didn’t want it up in direct, literal, harm. maybe their profession has some religious prohibition that there’s violation. Maybe there’s a stalker ex. Maybe they’re in some type of witness protection or secret agent.
  Except they gave us a reason: "I'm a private person." Almost the first line of their post. The situation we were presented isn't some case where it's dangerous for them to have their picture taken. They just don't want it. If it is risky for them, absolutely just decline.
  People should be respected when they say “no, I don’t want my picture taken.”
  Absolutely. But he didn't say this, and explicitly said he doesn't want to explain himself. So I responded to their actual request.
  It’s best to simply be candid and decline.
  I disagree. I get not wanting to give your number out to a patient or see one outside of work, and in that case you decline. I think most would understand this and not be offended.
  But this person just wants a picture with them, baring some ridiculously rare shit that they made implicitly clear is not the case, it's a simple, virtually riskless request and it's best to just make another person happy and take a picture with them.

"I appreciate the kindness and am happy for your excitement and recovery, but no thank you. I don't like to have my picture taken."

Sounds like you had a wonderful patient who was grateful for you doing your craft. Do a compliment sandwich, but do it sincerely.
Complement Boundary Complement
"Oh my. I'm flattered. Thank you, but I'm not comfortable with that right now. You've been a wonderful patient and I enjoyed working with you too."
This is just an example of the compliment sandwich structure and you should adjust the wording to serve you.
As for the phone number, just tell him that you were doing your job and seeing him better is all the reward you need. Again, adjust the wording for your truth.
- I agree, and you can explain that it's not personal, and offer an alternative -if you want- write a note as a memento or something

Hey, behavioral health clinician here. I get this a lot. The question is about boundaries. I'm seeing three kinds of responses: 1) lie 2) leave boundaries down 3) assert yourself. Obviously answer three is what you're looking for, but the question is how. I like what u/FuglyDuck said: “ I appreciate the invitation but I have a policy to not meet patients outside of work or take photos with patients.”
Don't think about boundaries as rules so much as walls. People who can't assert themselves tend to have that wall down all the time and let anyone in. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you are a private person. So what is it that prevents the wall from coming up? A professional would stop here and let you figure out the rest but since I'm just a rando on the internet I'll just take a guess and say maybe there's some fear and guilt involved in not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings or disappoint them or maybe just not knowing how to handle the change in atmosphere that you believe will come after setting the boundary up. And then I'd wanna know what makes you feel responsible for protecting their feelings, or what makes you assume it will hurt their feelings/change the atmosphere, and if there's a way to carry yourself that preserves that emotion/atmosphere even after the wall is raised a bit. Phew, that was a long sentence. Anyway the more I ramble the less helpful this sounds, and that's fine since I'm just a rando on the internet and not giving professional advice. Have a great day!

I am a bit of a shy person and being on spotlight could make me uncomfortable. A simple thank you is enough to brighten my day

I don't think extra politeness is going to help you much here. If you don't do what they ask you to do and they don't understand why, they'll probably assume you're being rude, no matter which words or tone you choose.
You don't need to explain yourself. Others need to learn to respect your choices about yourself. Yes, it's tiring. It's their fault, but partly your problem.
Your responsibility ends with "Thank you, but no." Unfortunately, some people will feel hurt by this, no matter how cheerily you say it, because they simply don't expect it. They will tell themselves that you are not being genuine by trying to both remain friendly and deny their request. You can't change this; only they can choose to interpret your response differently. And most people never try this. Instead they merely expect you to be agreeable and do what they want you to do.
If you want to establish your boundaries, then you need to practise letting them feel hurt and not feeling responsible for it. This is one reason I meditate.
Peace.
- If youre someone without a care for people or just plain socially inept then sure your advice can work.
  All it takes is some social competency to understand how to politely reject someone even if it means changing your wording and tone.
  
  You failed just now, so why would someone take your opinion about this seriously? (If this bothers you, then try reading it again in a cheerier tone. Oh! That didn't help? Strange.)

“Thank you, but unfortunately the hospital/medical place doesn’t allow me to do that/accept an invite” ?
- i was going to upvote but then I read FuglyDuck's answer here.

Sorry that's against our/my policy.
- This is the correct answer because that’s getting into borderline corporate responsibility territory. The offering of gifts and fraternizing parts of it.

I also get that sort of feedback, turned out I'm autistic.
I would go with something along the lines of: "I'm really not a fan of pictures", and when it comes to such an invite, "That's very kind of you, I'll see if I have time" (if you want to let them down lightly).
- I've used the last one before, and had people (naturally) ask me again if I already know if I have time a day or a few days later.

I tell people: I'm sorry, I rarely take or appear in photos, it's not something i'm comfortable with. if they press, I explain that it's not them, it's me, and mind their own business.

"Sorry, I don't get paid enough to afford a phone." /s

"I have a problem with establishing boundaries.
I’m a private person. That’s very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I’m not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it’s tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don’t understand why I have to explain myself constantly."
Maybe say something along the lines of this.

Maybe meet them half way? Let them take your picture but should they ask for your number politely decline. Tell them if you gave your number out to every patient your phone would never stop ringing or tell them it's against company policy. Either way they will feel better knowing you don't give your contact info to anybody not just them. Whatever you decide to do i think giving them a fake number is a bad idea

My ex-wife had a real discomfort in being in pictures, so I get it.
Not wanting to give out your number to a random man? yeah, don't need prior experience with anything to know how disconcerting that would be.
How you treat your patients is a personal thing. Some people take an approach that's very personable, in which they probably wouldn't see the harm in being taken out to a meal by their happy patient. Your approach is more professional, in which you're there to care for them, and leave. That's the way that helps you maintain your emotional well-being, being able to leave work at work. So in the future, I'd frame it in that way. You may acquiesce to taking a picture every so often, but when it comes to anything further, I'd tell them that you keep your professional and private life separate, and thank them for thinking of you.

57 comments