5mo ago

Is this normal for girls or just a extreme edge case? (Serious question)

I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, "Yeah all the time." I can't tell if it's sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we've heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

292 comments

Take their 'joke' seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they're for, everything.
This way, if they weren't joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.
- Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)
- Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.
  I don't think it's a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.
  EDIT: Yeah I misread that
  
  OP was talking about his wife and her friend.
  
  I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I'll roll with it.

Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I'll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.
- Understood and thank you for your wisdom.
- Do most people take food back out from the trash?
  
  Yeah, to give it to the rabbits. Don't waste food
  
  Only if you are George Costanza.
  
  Absolutely. https://youtu.be/qJh5u1tdC4Q?si=jIbva7uT2_tN328S

Solution: simply cover your most phallic groceries with condoms, then dispose the condoms before eating.
- Yeah that lube in the condoms 👌 chef's kiss
  
  That's why I buy the flavored ones. The strawberry-flavored side salad is absolutely yums!
- English cucumbers come with their own condom, but it usually has rough seams :(
  
  It's called ribbed.
- Condoments

I've never used a veg for these purposes and I'm not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.
Most people don't use vegetables for this afaik.
That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I'd be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I'd feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.
- Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.
  Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn't a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.
  I'm starting to feel like my veggies are safe.
  
  Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they've probably seen a condom on one before.
  As for the 3 hours, it's long but by no means impossible.
  
  I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that'd be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.
  Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that's got tiny thorns on it...unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.
  Seems like a lot of work though.
  
  Any decent person would trash it afterwards.
- I'm a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn't seem like it would feel great going in and out. It's bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.
  
  Nah, you haven't lived until you've experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.
- Okay it's a pickle at that point.
  
  Well that's the nastiest thing I've read today so far
- Veggin' edgin' ftw

Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn't put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.
- her post may not be real, but is it a real thing?
  
  Fucking yourself with a cucumber? Sure, if that's all you got, get it, queen. I'd suggest something slightly more substantial, though.

As the only female on Lemmy I'm here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.
- A cucumber could be too large
  Thank you.
  Sincerely,
  Average men everywhere
  
  It is not the size, it's your ability to give me an orgasm I care about. Sincerely, a woman.
- I will concur that I've never used a vegetable or fruit either. Just seems dirty. Toothbrush or other plastic toy were my first go tos, (plus bath water) but really, can't emphasize this enough, a lot of girls don't need penetration to get off. Just clitoral stimulation.
  
  After talking to a few honest (or tipsy) women about their early sexual discovery I know the high likely hood of that Micky Mouse electric toothbrush getting absolutely violated.
- I mean not all cucumbers are that huge. You could get a smaller cariant or just a smaller specimen. I do see your point though.
  
  Yea that's why I said "could".
- As the other female on Lemmy, I would be worried that a piece of cucumber would snap off mid wank and I'd be left trying to pick seeds out of my cooter. I have never done anything like this.
- Is standard procedure to rawdog the vegetable or are a combination of lube and/or condoms used?
  Asking for a friend.
  
  If your only option is a cucumber then it's 100% raw dogged because you don't have access to anything else.

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
🤣
- 😭
  
  This thread has been a gold mine for me OP, thank you 😂❤️

Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won't judge them for it. I'd probably also mention that you won't open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.
- Also tell them: In the worst case, when improvising despite your warnings, flared bases are essential!

Hairbrush handles are much more common. I'd say most girls probably haven't used vegetables.
- Most hairbrush handle designs are intentionally... yeah. But plastic is porous and nearly impossible to fully disinfect, so girls who reach puberty should be provided with high quality silicone or glass to protect them from getting a bad infection. Prudeness in our society will just hide issues like infection until it gets really awful.
  
  why is it just assumed that they'll use an object? hands work fine too, you don't assume people with penises will inevitably get an infection from sticking it inside a vacuum cleaner..
  And like, lesbians exist?? they have lots of fun just with rubbing!

People are missing the more important question:
\ Why did she put the cucumber back in the fridge?
- Keeps it fresh for longer for as much fun as possible.
- ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
  Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
  *WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn't her? That's just as gross!
  
  Yeah, that's my main take away.
  Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?
  Who does that?
- You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.
  Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).

Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.
- I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.
  When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.
  JD Vance fucked a couch.
  
  Good deflection buddy. You shared, which is the important part. Progress.
- I believe hotel rooms & their contents are specifically designed around this
- !showerthoughts@lemmy.world

Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
No. Worrying doesn't help anyone. Just relax.
- Next thing you're going to tell us is that we SHOULDN'T become absolutely obsessed with the personal habits and sex lives of other people whom I will never meet nor be involved with in any way! Preposterous!
  
  the way I look at it, you're wasting your resources And making unnecessary enemies if you interfere with the sex live of other people.

Cucumbers are the gateway veg.
- PAIGE NO!!
- The Bad Dragon company wants to know your location.
- Spicy.
- Cucumbers are the gateway veg.
  Posts a picture of bitter melon.
  Weird flex but okay.
  
  Whooooosh!
  That was his point. The pic is of what could be next.

It's a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:

That said... I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I'm not entirely sure about all of it.
- 4chan greentext, but signing with your name? Brave.
- don't come texting me about none I said
  She sounds like a smart one>

As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn't feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn't really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.
Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.
I don't know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what's going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.
For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I've seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can't think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that's skinnier?)

TIL there are like no women on lemmy
- yeah it's wild. every time i open ~~Lemmy~~ any internet application I turn into a guy? it's very handy when the women's bathroom line is too long
  
  yes, that is the transgender agenda, we switch genders each time we open lemmy and use blahaj plushies to stabilize, don't blow our cover like that in public though jesus christ
  
  Same! It’s quite a useful trick if I ever need to find pants with pockets!
  
  Technically the original statement could still be true. We now know there is a woman here but not women. \s
  
  That's not very helpful. It's always the mens bathroom line that's too long at work. The woman basically gets her own.
- I mean if i were, i would definitely shut up about it as well.
- Well duh. Lemmy is on the internet, and there are no women on the internet.
- We're around.
  
  Agreed. We're around, we just like to hide for good reason.
- Just today you are learning this?

I hope that putting them back used is an edge case. Compost after use.

Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you're worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.
- What would you do if someone did comment on it?
  "Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask"
  "I'm gaining weight lately so I need more salad, could you pick up some cucumbers and spinach while you at the store please?"
  
  Immediately think of the post and panic.
  
  "Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask"
  "Sorry honey we are restricting you to only non phallic veggies for your own safety" why do I feel like super Christian households would actually say this.
  
  wait, why spinach? (text-only answer, please)

As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn't find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn't around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I'd get an infection.

Veggies are certainly not unheard of, but everyone is different. Your wife and friend may be serious, or not, but some people totally fuck vegetables.
- When i was in the early weeks of getting freaky with my now wife we were at her place making out and I picked up the TV remote and asked if she'd ever used it as a dildo and she blushed a little and said yes.
  
  One of my exes would use bottles sometimes, I was always a little nervous about them breaking but fortunately it never happened.
  
  thats freaky

As far as I know, most women don't do this, but of course, if something exists, there's also someone who fucks or wants to fuck it.
- Is this rule 34.5 or something?

You better make sure your son doesn't have access to coconuts
- Or glass jars
- I thought this was long gone with the annuals of time.
  
  this was only 2 years ago, right? like maybe last summer or the one before
- Or a melon baller.
- Just don't have him near african and european swallows and you're good.
- Too soon.
  
  Or shoeboxes

Carrots and cucumbers, yes. Rumours went around a neighbouring school after a girl confided in her friend, who then betrayed her trust.
They are cheap, easily accessible, and great replacements in countries where sex toys are illegal. Just... Use a condom around it please.
Oh, and don't put it back in the fridge.

LOL!
- Only 544 bookmarks to go

No joke, my mother used one when my dad was was away on work. I know because she forgot about it and my sister had the bright idea to go snooping around in her drawers one day.
I would hope that in our modern age with more access to privately get sex toys (thanks to the internet) that most people would not resort to using vegetables. However, is someone saw buying sex toys as somehow "wrong" then they might.

Most teens don't want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I've had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.
- Uhh. Hi, woman here...RIP my inbox but I think it's important parents talk to teenagers of all genders about this and consider having them look for toys they can experiment with if they express interest. Just because we don't orgasm from penetration doesn't mean it feels bad lol. Better they have toys available so they're less likely to use something inappropriate.
  
  I agree parents should talk with their kids, I never meant to allude to that. But I disagree that penetration doesn't feel bad, for me it feels painful without lube and with lube it feels not painful but never enjoyable. Vibrators are the only thing that feels good, that much is universal among the women I've talked to.
- I've seen a girl use a syring (without the needle) and put a ziplock bag over it and fuck herself on cam with me. College teens are horny and creative lol
  
  We're all horny and creative - seen one use a deodorant can... in the front of the car... while I was driving...and stuck in traffic.
  Those of us who don't live with parents just don't need to get creative - just buy what you want, or want to try, or your partner wants to try. Three drawers committed to turning her into a sexy puddle.
- Girls experiment.
  You can downvote me but my girlfriend literally did what you're describing with a pencil when she was younger, I'm sure she's not the only girl in the world to have done that.
  
  I'm not going to down vote you lol, I haven't down voted anyone in this thread. There is no wrong answer or response. I do feel bad for her though, pencils are sharp even when unsharpened, I can't imagine that felt good. Did she wrap it in a condom? How old was she?
- That bit about tampons isn't true at all, and has nothing to do with virginity. Nothing fundamentally changed about your body when you had sex. You were just using tampons badly.
  
  You're probably right, I never used lube with tampons but if I did it might not have hurt so bad. I did feel it was less tight putting them in once my virginity was gone but it still felt like tearing using them so maybe that was just me. Just now I tried searching but all I got was tampons don't take your virginity which I already knew and was not trying to imply. I use cups now with lube and it is much better than tampons for me.
  Edit:
  Will tampons hurt with endometriosis?
  They can, but the tampon pain associated with endometriosis tends to be similar to endometriosis dyspareunia, a term used to describe pain during sex. With endometriosis, a tampon can cause a heavy pain felt deep in the abdomen, or cramping.
  Sometimes the tampon pain related to endometriosis also can cause your vaginal muscles to tense, causing a sharp pain at the entrance of the vagina when inserting or removing a tampon.
  TINA tip: If you have endometriosis, speak with your doctor about which options for managing your period might be most comfortable. Speak up about how you’re feeling so your doctor can help you determine which type of pain relief options might work for you.
  TIL I may have had endometriosis this whole time. I was wondering how I was using tampons wrong when I have heavy flows that need tampon+pad to manage.
  https://www.tinahealthcare.com/blogs/learn/tampons-cause-pain-or-discomfort
- Yo, this is a real actual human person right here.
  Men would be asking me the most heinous of shit and I literally had nothing to do with them. Like, what? I think things are better now, cause I'm older. But hot damn, the shit I was being asked if I reversed it I'd be like asking if when they are fucking a girl do they make sure to jizz on their face or some shit. Like wtf who the fuck asks this just sitting around talking to someone they just met or are (platonically, in a group) having some chow with!?
  
  Some people talk about sex freely. In college everyone in my friend group knew who all fucked who. My ex girlfriend made a drawing connecting everyone with lines. It was pretty damn funny.

When your children start ordering packages, don't open them and you'll never have to worry about this.

Best with vaginal yogurt dressing.
- Cecilia Westbrook, an MD/PhD student at the University of Wisconsin, and her friends wondered why there are so many semen-based recipes and nothing on Google about cooking with vaginal juices.
  Wut
  
  They're really into equal rights.
  
  My guess is that the vaginal juice recipes are already there, they're just suffering a lack of the personnel with the SEO skills to get them to the first few pages.
  
  Did she try looking for recipes based around menstrual fluid? There are a surprising amount of those.
  
  There are though. There's even a beer.
  
  man idk, might have something to do with one being slightly easier to collect?
- Lol I’d try it. I’ve probably consumed way more vaginal bacteria before anyway.
- In what is best described as her 'scientific experiment,' Westbrook harvested healthy vaginal fluid using a wooden spoon.
  😶
- Oh my
- Yonic Yoghurt

to be fair the examples youve given for men are niche sorta fetishes too.
not many people are going around fucking cookie dough either.
- You have misunderstood "ookie cookie."
  Aka "Soggy Biscuit," and "Scum Cookie" if you like the band Skinless lmao.
  Also tbf I'm like 90% sure it's a myth or reserved for old frat hazing rituals.
  
  Limp Bizkit you say?
- As a man with an egg allergy, Itchy.....
  Socks seem normal.
  I draw line at food. That guy with the melon was on another level.
  
  I always thought the sock thing was very strange. Have folks not heard of toilet paper?
  
  Not even the sock is normal imo. Why would you want a crusty sock??
- Someone on Reddit I think told the writer David Sedaris how he used to shove frozen hot dogs up his ass.
  
  sounds like my kinda guy

That kid just learned a valuable lesson about washing things off when you're done using them. Especially food. Fucking gross lol
- Maybe just throw the cucumber out if you use it that way
  
  That is a perfectly good cucumber! Just picked the mother fucker. The salt and vinegar will sanitize it... And now you've got pickles!
- Or just buy two. They're not expensive. One for muff, one for salad.

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
That'd make you the coolest dad ever.
- Or totally creep out your kids. "OMG dad knows what I'm doing! And he wants me to keep doing it apparently, I'm going to fucking die."
  It would probably be a lot less awkward coming from the mom. I feel like it would be like a father having the "period talk" with his daughter (obviously this happens in the case of single dads but that's not the point I'm making), it's super awkward for both parties involved.
  
  I mean it doesn't have to be "happy birthday, I got you a sybian, hope you like the red one with the racing stripes!" You can just give them an amazon or VISA gift card and simply not ask what they spend it on.
  
  I mean giving them an Amazon gift card doesn't exactly say "I know you're going to buy a sex toy with this" especially if you're not outright saying that to them, but giving them the option to spend some money on that is a lot better than the alternatives.

No this is not normal... it's not sanitary for one and nobody wants yeast infections. It also doesn't really have a suitable structure for that, and the outside rind... I mean I cannot imagine that feels nice. It's a meme more than anything like I know people are out there with food fetish and it definitely has been done by someone before but no this is very uncommon lol.
- you put a condom on it to solve most of that
  
  Or just like buy a toy meant for that

Got a bit freaky with a friend once. I used the cucumber on her. We both ate it after. Don't leave that shit for other people to eat. As long as they have common sense, you should be fine.

It happens yes, but I stopped because I understood that insects / mold / organisms grow on fruit and vegetables, so I think of it as gross now, but it beat a hairbrush handle.

This is the modem equivalent format for an ancient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin's friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
- This is the modem equivalent
  Nice keming
  
  Lol good catch. It was totally on purpose and not swipe being swipe. Yep.

This post has Lemmy front page energy

🍿

Teenagers do stupid shit. So while it's not something everyone does, it absolutely happens. No it's not something anyone should seriously try. You cannot effectively clean a vegetable and it can break, requiring embarrassing medical attention.
And yes, one of the reasons for an allowance is because teenagers need some agency and privacy to become normal healthy adults. If they want to explore their sexuality alone it's perfectly natural.

OP, does this happen with men? I need to know. Serious question
- I plead the fifth.
  
  https://youtu.be/mdeo7Q2E5cE?si=xAt8xeWhOfSmJ9RL
- Absolutely it does
- We don't fuck fruits if that's what you're asking. Other things are fair game though. A horny (pre) teenage boy will fuck damn near anything he can fit his dick in.
  
  Pretty sure lots of dudes would stick veggies in their ass
- It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one

Relevant WKUK
(Relevant to the tweet, not to OP's question)
- One of my favorites. RIP Trevor Moore.
- Rip Travis, he came and he went.

At the dinner table, ask your mom for the recipe because it tastes so good.

This isn't even the commercial i was looking for but here ya go.
https://youtu.be/gev_DzSqy7A?si=JV0Z8yKtlkZNnFTF

it could happen, specially with teenage girls. but it's not often. the risk is higher in the discovering and exploring phase. (I'm a woman)

Anything even remotely phallic shaped and sized has probably been used like that by someone. Depends on how horny you are, both in the moment, and as a person in general. I'm a guy, but during puberty, when I was exploring masturbation and bottoming, lemme tell you, nothing was safe from getting fucked or fucking me.
I wouldn't be overly concerned about your produce, though. Most folks would toss it afterwards. If you notice your cucumbers or bananas going missing, then it might be cause for concern. But honestly, if your kids are at that age, and you're genuinely concerned they're doing something that might cause harm, the bigger concern is a lack of information about safe sex. A no questions asked Amazon gift card is one idea, but I'd recommend finding a good book or website you trust with sex Ed info, including safe solo sex practices, and an agreement that packages that come in their name aren't to be opened by anyone else. In my experience, parents who trust their kids and don't snoop or invade their privacy have way less to worry about from their kids than the parents who toss their rooms. My friends with the strictest parents had great hiding spots, I never even tried to find any. Didn't need to hide anything, and as embarrassing as it would have been had I gotten a cucumber stuck up there or something, I would have been able to tell my mom and get a ride to the ER. If your kids seriously don't trust you not to freak out, they could end up literally dying because the embarrassment would be worse than not dealing with a medical issue.

Zappa even has a song about this very subject, from 1967.
Call any vegetable https://youtu.be/XhDXbElN1oY?si=I1GT-6SFweEeNuAO

I'm just thinking of the little pokey things (spines?) on the cucumbers. Ouch.
- Ribbed, for her pleasure.
  
  ~cats
- How dose cucumbers look where you live? Mostly the ones bought from the store.
  
  yeah this is weird to me too, all the cucumbers i've seen are very smooth..
  
  Kinda like this. (Random internet image.)
  The bumpy things are sharp.

did you catch Poor Things?

I wouldn't know first hand but there is a whole trope and many books about this.
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=%22cucumbers+are+better+than+men%22

Did you put it back in the refrigerator? Did Mom find it under your bed? This wasn't an accident; someone made an intentional power move and your family is toxic.

My ex was an operating room nurse. She had a few choice stories.
Dude came in with an English cucumber stuffed so far up there they needed to knock him out to remove it. It’s all slithery and soft. It was literally baked.
My ex used to love cucumber. Chow down on them all the time. Not after that.
- "I slipped and fell on it..."

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