12mo ago

Parents with genuinely good looking sons but mostly daughters. How do you make sure they don't build their whole personality around looks?

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/823828

because it can be if people start to treat them differently when they stop looking appealing they may don't understand it at first and later maybe have a depression and no plan b

10 comments

My kid is, though it's me saying so, outrageously good looking and already gets silly amounts of attention. I try to give them compliments based on what they do or say, rather than how they look. I talk and listen to them about their interests and thoughts, and the only real feedback or guidance I give on outward appearances is on hygiene and healthy eating.

I try to emphasize the value of hard work more than anything else. I don't say, "wow, you're so smart," I say, "wow, you worked so hard on that." I will say, "you look nice," but more often, "good job working on your hair."
- Yup, this is exactly it. When I praise their appearance, it's always something my kids actively did: picked out an outfit, styled their hair, etc., or even grooming and hygiene choices.
- Yep. “Wow, you picked out a cool outfit” is another way to compliment actual work and creativity rather than genetic lottery winnings.
- Those are the best kinds of compliments in general, I think, whether it's a parent complimenting their child, someone flirting, a platonic compliment, or whatever else! Compliment things that are within their control and that they can feel pride over and it feels a lot more meaningful.

Who is this question directed towards? A parent with Multi children, at least one of whom is a good-looking son, but they have more daughters than they do sons? Lol

Son is 13 and gets a lot of attention - especially comments/compliments from adults. Not lewd or obnoxious ones, just like “wow kid you are really good looking! Going to get all the girls in high school” type stuff. He was 6’3” at 12.
He is much more personality and brains than looks as a person, so I guess I’ll just not worry about it. Lucky kid.

Hmm, teach them what's important in life? What is shallow and what's substancial or meaningful... Consequences and how to grow and find your identity and place in the world... Give them a broad perspective...
I think ultimately you can't tell them which path to choose in life. At some point they need to decide by themselves what's important to them. And I think as a parent it is your obligation to teach them about the world. The opportunities and choices available. Provide them with the tools (knowledge) to make good choices. Make sure their picture is diverse and their perspective includes some proper role-models. (Female) scientists, astrophysicists, doctors, artists, authors, politicians, handymen and people who do useful stuff. Make sure their perspective isn't just watching beauty influencers on TikTok.
You can also tell them what's important to you. Maybe have them ask their grandma, she should have some wisdom available, too.

Kids grow up. They are going to make their own decisions about their own life. You can never "make sure" anything there.
If they have healthy personality, THEY would even make sure that it's NOT YOU who makes such decisions.

A big part of parenting is simply modeling your own values. If I think it's important for people to be beautiful, and treat beautiful people better, then the kids will pick up on that and internalize those values. Regardless of what they look like themselves.
I'd like to think my values are different from that, where I value other characteristics (intelligence, knowledge, humor, compassion, empathy) in the people around me, and tend to try to build friendships and spend quality time with those people rather than the most beautiful people I can find. And for strangers and one-off interactions (as a customer or whatever), there's no reason to be more deferential or more kind to the beautiful people.

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