What's an amusing thing to say before going under general anesthesia?

It's pretty clear to me many people here have never either had general anesthesia or talked to anyone who had, you can't really time funny one-liners right before you pass out.

Here's how it works:

They'll put a mask with a rubber tube in your mouth for oxygen, and tell you to relax and count back from 10, so you start counting impatiently(it's boring, and there is nothing else to do), wondering when the surgery is going to start.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Now the anesthesiologist is in front of you, checking on you to see if you're OK. "But I haven't finish counting down yet, when is the surgery going to start?" You ask them.

"It's already over", they explain.

Then you realize you are in a completely different room, the tube is no longer in your mouth, but you feel so weak you can hardly move, and the stitches/staples around your new surgery wound is starting to itch.

It's like a segment of your life was cut out and erased into nothingness.

I've never been put under, but I just assumed OP meant that they would say something right before they started counting, not after.
Proper explanation, indeed - you never get all the way through the countdown before you time travel. Beforehand, though (at least in my too many to count without it sounding like a weird brag experiences), the "last words" moment is before the mask, but after the pre-anesthesia. Depends on the procedure, and probably the person, too.
I've had nearly a dozen surgeries, and none of them have gone like that.

Sometimes I have a mask over my face, but mostly I don't, then they give me a little prick in my arm. I feel cold travel up my arm, whilst the person counts down from 10. When the cold gets to my shoulder, which is usually when the countdown is at about 7 or so, I go under, like someone turned off a light, but just slow enough that I can just remember an awareness of being about to go under. There's no weakness, no feeling of being unable to move, just cold travelling up my arm, and then lights out.

Then, I wake up, with an awareness that time has passed, though not an awareness of how long it has been.
- Neat, that's legitimately interesting! Maybe you have something unique in your physiology that gives you a different perspective? I'm pushing 6 surgeries under general, and around 5 precedures under IV, probably missing some numbers with my now shoddy memory forming capabilities, but my experiences with the knockout sedation could be described much more similarly to your experience, and a few of the IV sedations weren't as deep, so I remember a bit more of the "in and out", but mostly it's just "Oh, yeah, I feel there's a change in my coherence-BLACKOUT", and then next awareness is recovery room beeps.
- This matches my experience too. Waking up felt like coming out of a deep sleep. I knew time had passed
- This is also exactly how I remember my only time under the knife. I remember feeling that cold in my veins and "this is it, I'm passing out any moment now". Then I don't remember anything until I was in the recovery section even though I regained conscience in the operating block as expected. I just remember waking up with the oxygen mask covering my mouth and feeling extremely claustrophobic.
The last 2 times I went under (for a complicated tooth extraction and the subsequent implant) they didn't do the countdown, which surprised me because that was what I remembered most clearly from my lung surgery as a teen. They just asked me if I was comfortable, then said "Good, cause you're about to get extra comfortable!" and we laughed, then I woke up. Maybe it was a dental surgeon thing? But I've also got a really good relationship with the dental techs and the anesthesiologist was a riot.
I've had many surgeries and most were exactly like this. One time, though, I remember counting down too 4 and then saying, "My ears are ringing." The anesthesiologist said, "Is this better?" I said, "Yes," and then woke up.
Hold your breath before the mask goes on then really quickly say "tennineeightsevensixfivefourthreetwoone"

Breath in, and then go "bet you I'm the first to...."

Pass out
- I may be wrong, but I think the mask is just oxygen. What puts you under is the stuff they inject you.
In that case the, one liner has to be long and designed in such a way that every word can work as a cliffhanger.

Before I fall a sleep, I should tell you about the secret gold treasure buried under the old…
I could feel that I was going out as I counted. It felt as if I slowly lifted an inch above the operating table and rested on a fluffy white cloud. I could feel them inserting catheter and needles but it didn't hurt even a bit, if anything it tickled. Last sight was the grumpy face of this fridge-sized bald anesthesiologist.

Woke up a second later in Intensive Care unit, surprisingly well rested.

By the way, there was no tube in my mouth. They just put a mask on and it smelled sweet.
I had no mask for my surgery. Maybe because it was removing wisdom teeth.

My surgery was then starting liquid in my arm. I'm wheeled to the surgery room where three nurses are setting things up.

They see I'm nervous. "Don't worry! Doctor X is very good," she pauses. "We do call him the velociraptor though."

"Why?"

"Because he has short arms!"

"That's mean!" I say.

They laugh. "You won't remember, it's fine."

"I'll remember!" I try and say, but my mouth is full of gauze and I'm in a very different room.

No sense of passage of time. In surgery, then in recovery. Hated that.
- But you did remember tho
- Same case here with wisdom tooth removal but I do vaguely remember my entire body becoming numb before it stopped being numb instantly and the surgery was over
Depending on how consciousness actually works, the you before that might have died and you're an entirely new consciousness with the same brain and memories.
- Ah, the Star Trek transporter conundrum.
- I've thought about death and what it means a lot in recent months.
  
  As we go to sleep every night, how do we know the you who wakes up the next morning is still you?
Not my experience, I was put to sleep through IV and I knew when I was falling asleep. I then had a weird dream mixed with reality, and when I woke up all the text was upside down for a minute.
- ʍʇɟ
- Same, every time I've had a general aesthetic the anaesthesiologist has sat down near my arm, asked if I'm ready, and when I say "yup" he says some medical jargon to the anesthetist/resp nurse, then warns me that it's going to feel cold and taste funny, he connects a bolus syringe to my IV bung and as he's pushing tells me to count down from ten, and the anesthetist grabs my head gently as the anaesthesiologist moves around towards my head and presumably grabs some other instruments ready to intubate.
  
  My record is 7. But next time I'm going to try counting faster - not sure why but I'd always try to time it to actual seconds.
  
  For GA, I've never been given a gas mask while awake, maybe it's to do with "rapid induction", I'm not 100% sure what that is, only that every anaesthesiologist I've had has said he's going to "rapidly induce" because my connective tissue disorder indicates the need to. I never really questioned it.
  
  The only time I've been given a mask while being told to count was when I was going under twilight sedation for a colonoscopy. as they were administering the IV, they also gave me a mask that was unexpectedly strawberry "flavoured" and I had a panic attack as I was going under because my grandma is allergic to strawberries, I'm not, but in my semi lucid state I forgot I wasn't and started mumbling about being allergic to air.
  
  (I've only ever had male anaesthesiologists, so apppogies for only using male pronouns to describe the doctor)
This. Exactly how I ended up married!

(Come to think of it, the honeymoon ran like that, too.) /s
On your mouth, not in it. No tube in the mouth.
- It's not standard for all anesthesia but patients can be intubated.
- Just the tip.
That’s not how it worked for me either of the two times. I don’t have any memories of going out the first time and I think I kinda woke up kinda normally both times.
That's about how it worked for me on the second surgery. Apparently my first words coming to were "holy fuck I need a cigarette"
oof, yup, that sounds familiar XD
I was just put under a couple of weeks ago and they didn't ask me to count down. And it also took longer than that.

I had a very stodgy surgeon and I actually got a laugh out of him. He checked in with me pre surgery and as he was leaving said he would see me in the OR and I was like I hope I don't see you (meaning I hoped the anesthesia worked). No one else got what I meant except for him and he had a genuine chuckle.

This gives me a sense of satisfaction by proxy.
I said "Yeah. You'll see me."

Good luck on the surgery OP

I admit. I just pictured them lying on the operating table about to be knocked out for surgery with them saying "Good luck on the surgery" to the surgeons.

But seriously! Best of luck op!
I can't decide whether it's appropriate to say good luck & God speed.

True story: The morning before going in for foot surgery, my mom was in a silly mood and wrote "wrong foot" on the other non-surgery-scheduled foot with a marker before putting on her socks.

After the surgery everything was fine, and later when checking up on her the surgeon told her everyone in the operating room got a good laugh out of that "wrong foot" message.

Mom was glad her joke worked out, but later started wondering why they were looking at the wrong foot in the first place and now wonders if her private joke to amuse herself actually saved her from having the wrong foot operated upon.

Probably so they could keep an eye on the toenails on the non-operating foot.

There’s a reason they tell you not to wear nail polish before surgery. The nailbeds are one of the best ways to detect cyanosis caused by low oxygen levels in blood.

I’d imagine a “control foot” is probably preferential, and it’s easier to keep an eye on the other foot during surgery than it is to keep an eye on their fingernails.
- Meanwhile I got leg amputations where the patient paints their nails before the leg is looped off lol
Medical staff actually DO sometimes write on the appendage that they are supposed to operate on as one of their checks.
- Yeah, in my hospital pre-op, we physically hand a marker to the patient and tell them to mark where the surgery will be.
The patient has to get exposed and positioned, then padded (so there are no pressure injuries, no errant cables or equipment pushing on skin, etc). Also under anesthesia (depending on the type but I'll assume general/completely asleep) you aren't moving and your body may get moved or shifted into an unnatural position.

It's also nice to have controls as mentioned by another reply, but pulse oximetry is great, and can be slapped on any non sterilized area to assess oxygenation.

I had surgery three weeks back. The mood in the OR was good. As they were strapping me to the table for bone surgery on my femur, ( They were going to have to exert force, and I needed to be on my side), I asked them if tbay had all watched the youtube tutorials. Laughs ensued.

*Laughs and slight sideways glances at eachother

Ftfy
- Some of them forgot to watch the youtube tutorials
Stealing this for my next colonoscopy.
- "I'm an influencer, can I stream this on Twitch?"

"Anyone need anything while I'm out" ha! That's brilliant. I gotta remember that if I ever need it.

“How do you keep a surgical staff in suspense?”

a surgical staff

That is not a group of medical professionals, that is a wizard’s stick with amputation powers!

I had to be in twilight, that's where you're basicilly out but can just barely understand what's going on a bit. I was in and out and just absolutely baked. At one point I looked at the anesthesiologist and asked for a little more. He got concerned and asked if I could feel anything? I said "no, no I can't. I'm just having a really good time". I'm not sure because he was wearing a mask and all, but I think he grinned and I have zero memory from then.

You can do what my 4yo did before his last surgery: shout out "WAIT WAIT WAIT!" right before they put on your mask or give you the drip, then hold out your fist and say, "FIST BUMP!"

I went with the Leslie Nielsen quote from the movie Airplane, "I just wanted to say good luck, we're all counting on you."

Bonus points if you say it when entering the operating room, when given the anesthesia and a third time during the surgery itself
- Actually when I made the joke, I got zero laughs in the operating room. I had to explain the joke, and still got no real comment/laugh.
  
  I finally followed it up with a Rodney Dangerfield version of "Tough room" and that got a chuckle finally.
- Just randomly wake up during your surgery and say it, and then promptly go back to sleep.

"I'm aware that consciousness still exists under general anesthesia, but the brain is no longer capable of forming memories, so have fun stabbing me with knives, I'm actually going to feel it!"

I broke my ankle a few years back and the bones had to be surgically reattached, but the OR was full so they had to set and splint it in the meantime. The shot of fentanyl didn't do anything, so they gave a cocktail that knocked me right the fuck out and set my ankle. My husband said I shot straight up like I was in the Exorcist, yelled and swore a bunch and passed out again. I remember nothing, thankfully.
- I've had that. They said I'd be awake but won't remember anything. I'd feel it but won't care.
  
  Sure enough, I'm sitting up in bed, doctors are gone, and my leg is set, I feel totally normal. I had no idea what happened except that they said that'd happen. It was the weirdest experience. I hadn't even changed positions. Like 15 minutes just got stolen from me.
But hang on, there's an interesting topic. Is consciousness the current processing, or is it the memory (and perhaps something additional)? Since not all nerve signals arrive in the brain at the same time, consciousness provably isn't immediate. Perhaps it's the recent memory of what just happened?
- Fuck dude.... You just told everyone that we're living in a constant state of desync and the gamer in me doesn't know how to handle that
- Separately, is it still pain if you're not conscious of it?
  
  Doctors used to assert that babies didn't feel pain, because 1) they couldn't tell us about it, and 2) they didn't remember it later. They would just not anesthetize babies. Of course, that endpoint of this line of reasoning is horrifying, but it's still a fair question. When we say "pain" do we mean the firing of the nerves, or do we mean awareness of it?
It's not just the brain. From what I understand, muscles and what-not would still react to stimuli and damage if not for anesthesia.

OP -- can you please come back after the surgery and let us know that you're okay?

Yeah, as funny as this is, it would be even funnier if you got back

"Good luck, we're all counting on you"

Then say it again when you wake up

The one and only time I was put under I said "you know what you're doing, eh?" And he just put me out. I didn't mean to say that, I was just nervous. I did see a nurse laugh though so that's nice.

Brilliant. Part of my procedure is being performed robotically, so I may have to ask that of the robot...
- May your surgery be bug free
- "Wow am I glad that robot doesn't look like Arnold!"
- Oh in that case you could ask if it's running on Windows, cos you don't want any forced updates halfway through...

(I know this is probably impossible, but it would be so funny)

Tell a knock knock joke, but only the first part. Don't reveal the punchline, just pass out. So they work extra hard to keep you alive, because only then will they hear the punchline.

They won’t either way. You’ll wake up in a hospital room terribly confused and barely able to move. Most of the operating staff will not see you then.
- It will eat them FOREVER
- The first words are likely "thirsty".
I endorse this one.

In your best Ace Ventura voice: “If I’m not back in five minutes…just wait longer.”

Good luck with your surgery, hope it goes well and your recovery is as easy as it can be. 🙏

Similarly,"and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"
Those were Jesus’s last words.
- :: SpongeBob three days later meme ::
Good luck with your surgery, hope it goes well and your recovery is as easy as it can be. 🙏

For a second I thought that was your suggestion for what OP should say to the surgeon.
- We should normalize wishing your surgeon good luck, have fun before he operates on you, and then GG if it’s successful and you live

Not a one-liner. You better start this one as soon as you're rolled into the room.

My instructor was Mr Langley and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it, I can sing it for you.

It’s called “Daisy”.

♪ Daisy, Daisy
♪ Give me your answer, do,
♪ I’m half crazy
♪ All for the love of you
♪ It won’t be a stylish marriage
♪ I can't afford a carriage
♪ But you’ll look sweet
♪ Upon the seat
♪ Of a bicycle built for two.

Hopefully, the anesthesiologist has seen 2001: A Space Odyssey. You’ll go down about halfway through.

The scene (spoilers for 2001) • Cleaner copy of the song to learn the melody from
No need to try for a computery voice, the oxygen mask will obfuscate it enough.

If I happen to be the doctor and it's someone else going under I'd say "Okay, let's get this leg amputated!" when that is NOT the actual operation happening.

OK, so let's get those ears removed!

Yes, I'm hungieee
"Wait, which gender are we reassigning you to?"

I asked my doctor "You've done this before, right?" he didn't laugh.

Did he start to sweat and stutter, instead?
Everyone has to start somewhere.

I hope you got a coupon discount or something, though.

Fuck, I left the oven on.

I hope you all paid attention in class

"Jokes on him, I got my MD degree from a shady website" - Doctor
This is the one

"I'll see you on the other side." Works both ways.

"Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast".

Only the coolest people will get that reference.

Edit: and you want to make sure your surgeon is cool!
- My surgeons are cool, but I don't think they're that cool... The robot might be, though...
What a guy...
Stoke me a clipper, I’ll be back for Easter

Just softly sing "weeeeeeeee..." as you go under.

Last time I had to be knocked out for surgery, I remember feeling myself fading out, and just before everything went out I felt the nurses and technicians getting me uncovered, when one of them exclaimed "Wow! Look at all that red hair!"

She wasn't looking at my head.

"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical statement?"

"don't touch my junk" - "not bad for a first date" - "any message for the other side?" - "I'll let you know what the old man says" - "delete my browser history" - "I forgot the stove on"

I like “delete my browser history.”
I'm getting SRS next year. Idk if the first one would or wouldn't work, the second one could be spicy lol
- I'm also getting GCS next year and am peeping this thread for ideas lol
- I hope it is everything you envision it to be, and I wish you the very best.

Point to the anesthesiologist, "Yo, this guys got the good stuff! Anyone else want a hit?"

Good luck for Friday! Hopefully you can post an update next week, so we know you're with us. This may interest you; my wife used to be an anaesthetist, and during long, boring procedures would give the patient a facial - blackhead removal etc. It's considered unethical, but she delighted in them waking up looking great.

Barring any issues that could have brought her in certain circumstances, that's adorable! How nice to have something immediately positive to wake up to, besides the post-surgery uncomfortable everything else. I was very happy to learn that our state is one of the few that's thankfully outlawed got-dang pelvic examinations under general anesthesia, unless they have specific prior consent - with some of the things US teaching hospitals allow, I'd be down for some unethical unconscious skincare.
It's considered unethical

Uh yeah and it fucking should be, jesus christ.
Whether you are happy or not depends very much on the gender of the anaesthetist here.
- It's not the anaesthetist that does pelvic exams, it's medical students. Medical students need experience so they practice on anaesthetized patients. There was a story on the radio of a male medical student who was supposed to do an exam on a woman and he realized that she was unaware and hadn't specifically consented and so he mentioned his concerns to his peers and it started a discussion worldwide about the practice. I don't think the practice is limited to pelvic exams.
- Never really thought about it. I suppose I would prefer a woman to do it, but wouldn't necessarily mind if a man did it IF I wasn't completely creeped out that they did something purposeful and unnecessary to me while I was knocked out.

I know, it's stupid, but anyway...

"If I don't survive, tell everyone I used GNU+Linux, btw."

But realistically, I'd probably be repeating this to myself: "Do not talk right after you wake up! Do not talk right after you wake up! Check the time, wait at least 2 hours. Do not trust yourself right after you wake up!" in hope that I'd remember to do so as to not accidentally disclose private information while still being high.

Propofol is a hell of a drug. It’s impossible to not say something since your prefrontal cortex is basically still off.

My wife is an RN for the place I had a procedure done and I came out of it asking the anesthesiologist how much she made and telling her my wife was thinking of becoming a nurse anesthetist. The staff thought it was hilarious of course.
So you want people to know you use GNU+Linux, and at the same time believe you have important "private information" you're likely to disclose while recovering from a general anaesthetic?

The last thing I said before going under general anesthesia a couple of weeks ago was "I don't think it's working." Because I'm a fucking genius.

Tell your wife I love her

Thank you for asking this. I’m going under day after tomorrow for knee surgery, so I’m going to pick one of these to use. :)

I'd go with "I used to be an adventurer like you."
- I like that a lot.
Good luck with your knee surgery, buddy 🙏
You have to slip in some kind of line about taking an arrow to the knee.

Y'all showed up for this post! Lemmy is looking better all the time :)

TW: Existentialism/Death

Not a funny thing to say before going out, but when I was about to do the mask I thought about what it would be like to be totally unconscious after I die, and woke up laughing and cracking jokes. It wasn't so bad during the procedure when my awareness was off 😜

If I'm not back by morning...call the president.

“This could be a software problem, can we try turning me off and on again?”

I said "wow, that's strong".

When I woke up I was like, " It's really good dope". I've never done anything other than weed.
- When I woke up, I vomitted. Twice. Then I asked for a bread with Nutella.
Haha, mine was "I think it's working".

Now I lay me down to sleep, the chaos take my soul to keep. If I should die, before I wake, the Lords of Chaos my vengeance to take.

Or Joe Pesci, he gets shit done.

Last time I had surgery, I think I made a comment about the surgeon's good taste in music. I was in Argentina, but the surgeon was listening to US 80s music :)

Good luck op! I hope it's a success Friday!

The galaxy is in Orion's bell...

The line is "the galaxy is on Orion's belt"

The alien couldn't think of the word "collar"
- It's actually cut off at "bell" the first time before it passes out. It manages "belt" later.
- It's only "bell", the entire plot of the movie is that they think he couldn't manage to finish saying "belt", but had actually finished

Man, that's rough, fingers crossed for you yo!!!

Also, "I'll see you in there."

"Damn, I really need to take a shit..."

I actually did this one.

I was having my wisdom teeth removed. I was like 23. The anesthesiologist was a cute little blonde chick. Apparently the last thing I said before I went under was "Man this girl is a real...knockout..."

I didn't get her number.

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast"

This. This is the one.

(Long live Ace Rimmer.)

"Hey, who's that tall, hairy woman in white dress behind you?"

I only know when you wake up you ask, "what year is it." If you can manage it.

Make comments unrelated to your actual procedure.

"hope the transplant goes well." / "really looking forward to this m to f transition"

"Is now a bad time to tell you guys I smoke crystal meth and use other amphetamines?" Real zinger, they love it

It's funny for you, but definitely not funny to them. They will have to pause and go through everything with you again if they think there is even the slightest chance you are telling the truth. Anthstisiea and street drugs definitely don't mix.

I know where the gold is!

my buddy pretended to not wake back up and then scared the nurse

He's not going to be level-headed enough to do that
Do not try to deceive or scare the Post Op nurse. They have powers you'd happily avoid.
That’s not how anesthesia works. It’s not like waking up from a light sleep and keeping your eyes closed.
- its impossible to close your eyes again after initially waking up

Finally, time to experience that cutting edge technology!

Saying I don't consent to surgery isn't the best thing to say. But gosh the the doctors face... priceless

Any professional would cancel the procedure at this point. Too much liability now.
There are a lot of good ones out there, but this just seems like a stupid move tbh and a way to get your surgery cancelled

when I came to from getting my wisdom teeth out I said "you guys stole my teeth!"

Mr. Scott, beam me up.

Scotty

“I had sex with your…”

Too blunt.

Maybe better: I think I saw your daughter last night. Later you can ask me where...
- Maybe don't antagonize people about to cut you open. Or live dangerously, I'm not your father.

Nothing pisses off a nurse than some smart guy trying to be funny. I speak from experience.

Then I'm glad I know my entire team, going in, and they're all remarkably empathetic to their terrified, high-risk patient! Chances are, any final words through twilight sleep will be a last sentiment to my spouse, in case I don't make it through. After my tight-five, of course, using the IV pole as a mic.
- This was the nurse assigned to that specific shift and had nothing to do with the team that was doing the operation. I think her job was only to do intake and get you set up in a bed/etc. When asked what I was there for, I smiled and said "a lobotomy". To look at her face, I had just insulted her grandmother's apple pie.
- How do you get to know the entire team? It's hard for me to imagine as the ones you interact with are the surgeons and anesthesiologist as they will talk to you in the ward at some point in time when making their round. But the surgery nurses only stay at surgery theatres or operating rooms and don't do any round at wards. Patients won't likely know them.
Jeez. Medical staff can have senses of humor too. Not everyone is a robot or the same person.

My docs had a bit of fun with me, after gassing me up a bit they turned on Tina turners 'what's love got to do with it' turned around to give a look and a grin.

fade to black...

" hey you... glad you're awake...."

haha ...couldn't resist sorry.

"The code is burned onto the back of my left kidney. If I die, be a hero."

My god, it's full of starsszzzz

"Nobody better touch my stuff..."

Good luck OP, I certainly hope your username is NOT relevant in this case.

Much appreciated! I sure as heck hope that, too, haha - my username is mostly related to my epilepsy, and how my oodles of seizures make me feel. Just...various, classic Windows error "bonk!" sounds, amongst other glitches, but in ma' brain.

"I want my last words to be funny, so try not to laugh."

My best line was when my wife tried being funny and asked "did you turn the stove off?" My response was "no" apparently and she actually called her friend to go check. I was just trying to rile her up like she was trying with me.

I'm going under on Monday to get my ankle put back together. I'm totally using stuff that I found here.

"That doesn't taste like fresh air."

"Beam me up, Scotty!"

Doing the "who are you" bit when you wake up might be more amusing and easier to pull off (considering you don't normally know when you're going to pass out)

Might be more difficult to do when you wake up as you have the chance to actually have no fucking clue what's going on

If anything goes wrong, tell my wife that I forgot to do the laundry.

“Who farted?”

“Who’s making toast?”

take care of Andy for me

"In case anything happens, I brought my mummification tools just in case."

I hope it's not Rapey Jesus on the other side this time!

"Anesthetic awareness."

Kind of a dick move don't you think?
- No; dicks usually go in an oscilating or pendulous motion, while I simply go down.
Why are there people like you...
- Because I felt my wisdom teeth get pulled, and because I identify as a problem.