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Sore Losers of Lemmy: What Helped You Start to Lose with Grace?

EDIT: Thank you all so much for your thoughtful input. It means so much to me.

Hi, all. I'm looking to change my nasty tendency to be a sore loser, particularly when playing games. I tend to personalize losses that are of no consequence. When the game starts to shift against me, I often stop trying as hard because it feels hopeless. My partner is much more proficient at board games than I am, and I don't want this toxic trait of mine to make games less fun for us. What are some things you all tried to lessen this train of thought, if you've experienced it?

51 comments
  • I am still this way a bit. Really it boils down to perspective.

    For me I broke it down like this

    1. You get angry about losing because it makes you feel incompetent
    2. I am allowed to enjoy things casually, I don't have to excel. I can excel at things that actually matter and have real world consequences, like work
    3. There are a million factors that can feed into a loss; luck being one of them
  • For me it was a shift in perspective. It sounds trite, but basically, I turned "having fun" in to the thing I'm trying to win. So I still optimise and strategise, but sometimes it's to make ridiculous moves that will make people laugh. Sometimes it's to keep the game close, and sometimes it's just to try and win. It all depends on who I'm playing with and the mood at the table

  • Reframe your goals. Is the game about winning or is it about having fun with your friends? Almost always the real goal is the latter, but our lizard brains don’t always realize this. Sometimes this may mean you choose to play differently because your goal is to maximize fun rather than win rate. And that way if you do lose you don’t feel bad because you still had a good time.

  • Two approaches. Mixed success with both.

    1. Choose games that don't make you feel bad. This can mean playing more cooperative games, or it can mean offering to referee or sit out games you know will just piss you off. For me, the chance of winning isn't appealing enough to outweigh the chance of ruining the game for someone else. It helps to identify what exactly it is about losing that makes you so sour. I have a hard time with games like Cards Against Humanity because the card combinations that are funny to me usually aren't funny to anyone else because they didn't go on the ADHD field trip with me to make those connections. It starts to feel like a popularity contest that I'm losing because my brain is wired wrong, and it's hard not to take that personally.
    2. Set different goals in the games you're playing, and define 'winning' for yourself based on those goals. I used to get annoyed every time my friends pulled out settlers of Catan. I would do what made sense to me each turn, but I'd always lose anyway either to random chance or just not having enough RAM in my brain. Even on the rare occasions I won I often wouldn't have fun with it because I spent so much of the game being frustrated. So I decided the only thing I cared about in the game was getting one of the bonus goals, usually 'longest road'. That was much easier to focus on, and it took all the pressure off me to win. After a while it became kind of a running joke.

    It's not perfect, and it doesn't happen in a vacuum either. Sore losers often have anger issues they're not dealing with (I know I did!) and figuring that stuff out will help in more areas of your life than just board games.

    Your mileage may vary.

    Good luck!

  • Mainly just emotionally growing up along with developing a general self-awareness that being a sore loser makes you look pathetic.

    I used to get way too mad playing online fighting games like Street Fighter 4, but thankfully I got over it by realizing a few things:

    1. I wouldn't dream of reacting that way to losing in person, because I know that it's an embarrassing way for a grown ass man or woman to react to losing a game. It's fine to play games competitively and anyone who does knows that it can be frustrating to lose. But you only end up losing twice if you make yourself look like a petty little shithead. I'm guessing you're playing online games, but just ask yourself if you would act the same way in an offline setting--most people wouldn't, so you probably shouldn't.
    2. You're probably losing because you're doing a bad job, and lashing out at yourself, your opponent or your teammates robs you of any chance to learn or improve.

    I'm mostly a fan of fighting games and solo RTS, but I've played my fair share of CS, Apex and other team-based games. Solo games are simple. If you're playing a fighting game and you're getting hit by stupid annoying shit, it's your fault for hitting buttons at the wrong time, for being on your back foot or not knowing how to block, plain and simple. If you're playing an RTS and you get cheesed with a canon rush or some gimmicky shit, that's also something that you need to be able to deal with.

    If you're playing a team game you might be tempted to flame your teammates for losing a match, but you either need to play with people who have the same level of skill and dedication as you, become good enough alone to carry a team of randoms, or simply care less about winning and focus on your own individual performance. Don't waste your time and energy being a dick to your teammates whether you think they're bad or not, if you're not playing on an established team then you don't really have any business taking that game super seriously and it reflects more badly on you than being good at a game. If you're playing with random people, expect random results.

    1. If you care about actually being good, then long-time improvement is much more important than short-term wins and losses. Nobody can win every time and just because you lose once doesn't mean you're bad. Conversely, it's just as easy to get a fraudulent win off of a fluke or bad play from your opponent(s). So, if you really want to be good at a game you have to have other, better metrics for how well you're actually playing.

    If I'm playing Street Fighter for example, instead of focusing on individual wins and loses in a single play session, I'd much rather focus on improving some aspect of my gameplay that I know is weak. Maybe I don't hit my anti-airs enough, so I want to focus on punishing jumps as much as possible. Maybe I'm not taking advantage of opening my opponent up enough, so I want to focus on consistently hitting bigger combos. I find that setting a goal for myself other than "just win as much as possible", helps me to keep my head in the right place while actually improving as a player.

    So, TLDR: If you wouldn't act like a little removed about losing in person, then you shouldn't do it at home either because it's a bad look and you're making yourself a bigger loser for no reason. If you lash out at your opponent or teammates for losing instead of reflecting on your own performance, then you're just doing yourself a disservice when it comes to getting better. And finally, winning and losing doesn't mean shit compared to actually making sure you're playing well, so change your metrics for success to things that you know are more meaningful.

  • I think you have all the elements you need to switch your attitude towards games, so first off, well done on having the awareness to identify the issue and to begin asking how to go about remedying it.

    Let's talk about competitive games first and the attitude towards winning and losing

    Recognise that you're not going to win every game. You may even lose some games that looked like a sure bet, and you may win some games that looked like a certain loss. This is the inherent fun in many competitive games - the outcome is uncertain. If you stop trying and self sabotage, the outcome will always be certain, i.e. it will always be a loss.

    If you recognise this, then every game is worth playing through to the end, and if your opponent is also decent, as most players are, they will recognise your efforts for trying your hardest.

    You can also put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine that you're playing a really close game and after battling hard, things have swung in your favour. You want to keep fighting through to the end to secure the victory. Imagine now that the opponent at this moment throws in the towel, and torpedoes the game. This hollows out your victory. Don't be that player. Try to empathise with your opponent as someone who equally deserves a chance to enjoy the game and compete for a worthy victory.

    Finally, learning how to turn a loss into a win is a skill in and of itself. Executing a comeback is sometimes more satisfying than a complete stomp, and more entertaining for all players of the game. You won't practice that if you check out as soon as the tide is against you, and you're depriving yourself of some more fun games.

    Now let's look at an attitude to improving your overall skill

    Some people take the attitude of looking at their long term skill as a player, and this may include their rank, win/loss ratio or season stats. Since they take a macro view, one loss may not detract from their long term improvement and helps put their temporary upset at losing into perspective. Even if you lose games on average, you can set yourself a target to strive for. The losses will still suck, but if you self sabotage then you also scuttle your long term goals.

    Part of this may be an approach of wanting to improve focussed skills within the game that don't rely on win or loss, per se, but will help build your overall proficiency. This may be perfecting your early game setup and speed, or your ability to execute on a particular strategy, or to lay traps for your opponent. Since I don't know what games you play I can't suggest what that would look like, I've just used general terms. You need iterations to work out what's effective, and a loss is useful information that a strategy, when followed through, may not be effective. If you don't learn from that then you may repeat the same mistakes, leading to more losses in the future.

    You may also take this as an opportunity to recognise shared mechanics across games, so that playing a game is a chance to improve at others, too. Does this game have a similar economy to other games you've played, or hand management, or push your luck elements.

    Now let's look at an attitude of enjoying the game for its own sake

    If you and your opponent are giving it your all, then sometimes the whole aspect of win/loss can dissolve away, and be replaced with sheer enjoyment of trying your hardest regardless of the outcome. Trying to wrack your brain when you're behind and wring out every possible mechanic or avenue for victory can be just as exhilarating as trying to hold onto a seemingly unassailable win. Trying to find that flow state where you don't care about the outcome is worthwhile, I hope you can seek it out.

    Finally, don't mourn your defeat, instead, celebrate your opponent's victory

    You tried every trick in the book, and they still won. Wow, that's impressive! After the initial sting of loss, congratulate your opponent and turn their victory into your own. Compliment their strategy! Ask them how they managed to pull off that trick on the third turn. Ask if they have any tips, or how they spotted the gaps in your plans. If they're a gracious winner, they will be happy to talk shop when the round is over. If you share in their win, you make up in some way for your loss, rather than doubling down on those negative feelings.

    This goes especially for boardgames or games where you know the other players and opponents. If they're your friends or family, then you should be happy that they're happy and they'll in kind work to assuage your upset in defeat rather than letting you sulk.

    I realised this because I play a lot of boardgames with a good friend, and as soon as the scores are tallied, the first thing we always do is congratulate one another for a good game and immediately turn to talking about how one another played and what we're going to try next game. It turns even a competitive game into a team effort where we're working together to eke as much enjoyment out of the game as possible, and push one another to try harder next round.

    So yeah, share the joy don't dwell on the woe, and you'll turn every win into something to be celebrated together.


    I won't talk to playing cooperative games, as other posters have addressed that. Putting yourself as a me/them into an 'us' game can divert your pastime to something more productive, but it may not break down your 'sore loser' problem enough that it wouldn't be an issue when you return to competitive games.

    If you want a good video, I like Otzdarva's explanation of how not to get 'tilted' in online games.

  • I keep in mind that my happiness depends on everybody else's happiness. I try to see the fun in things when I have to play the part of the loser.

  • Two approaches. Mixed success with both.

    1. Choose games that don't make you feel bad. This can mean playing more cooperative games, or it can mean offering to referee or sit out games you know will just piss you off. For me, the chance of winning isn't appealing enough to outweigh the chance of ruining the game for someone else. It helps to identify what exactly it is about losing that makes you so sour. I have a hard time with games like Cards Against Humanity because the card combinations that are funny to me usually aren't funny to anyone else because they didn't go on the ADHD field trip with to make those connections. It starts to feel like a popularity contest that I'm losing because my brain is wired wrong, and it's hard not to take that personally.
    2. Set different goals in the games you're playing, and define 'winning' for yourself based on those goals. I used to get annoyed every time my friends pulled out settlers of Catan. I would do what made sense to me each turn, but I'd always lose anyway either to random chance or just not having enough RAM in my brain. Even on the rare occasions I won I often wouldn't have fun with it because I spent so much of the game being frustrated. So I decided the only thing I cared about in the game was getting one of the bonus goals, usually 'longest road'. That was much easier to focus on, and it took all the pressure off me to win. After a while it became kind of a running joke.

    It's not perfect, and it doesn't happen in a vacuum either. Sore losers often have anger issues they're not dealing with (I know I did!) and figuring that stuff out will help in more areas of your life than just board games.

    Your mileage may vary.

    Good luck!

  • If the win is out of reach for me, I at least try and make them earn the rest of their victory. The more you make them have to actually work for it, the more they'll enjoy the win. I guess I kinda think of it like a D&D game where I'm the DM: now my job is to facilitate the other player(s) having fun.

    Either that or I'll ask questions and try to learn, so I can come back stronger next time.

  • Honestly, a massive one for me is not letting myself get angry at a game I can't hope to understand or master at a highly competitive level. I do a lot better at recognizing these days when I am intellectually or physically incapable of getting better quickly at a game - my mind shifts these activities outside of a competitive mindset and more to a leisure mindset.

    When I'm not trying to actively compete against others to a point of pride, suddenly I'm a lot more receptive to incremental growth at my own pace

  • For fun, I recommend challenging your partner to a "most talented loser" set of games. Set up rules (like, you can't just immediately tank and end the game) and play like you make the worst decision each opportunity. If you have choices between smart moves and really dumb moves, choose the dumb ones. That way, one of you ends up accidentally winning.

    As a kid, my brother had really awful sportsmanship but whenever we played to lose, it was far more fun and silly

  • I remembered how I feel about sore losers. I look down on them as immature, lame, and petty. I decided that I didn’t want to be seen that way.

  • Keep two things at mind:

    • If you keep winning, victory will loose meaningless. Achieving a Victory is much more rewarding after a few defeats
    • It's a game, focus on having fun more than winning. You mentioned board games, if you see that you won't really stand much of a chance of victory, why not try that weird strategy you saw online? My last chess match ended up in a complete laughing room after I tried the intercontinental ballistic queen I saw on youtube and somehow ended up loosing both my towers in the process

    Also, take a defeat as a way to improve. If you lost, something made you loose, take it as a challenge to improve it

  • Shift your frame of reference from caring about losing to caring about improving. If you care about improving, both losing and winning are data points to further help you improve, and then suddenly there's no negative result. It's simple but making that shift was a really healthy change in perspective imo

51 comments