Asklemmy @lemmy.ml

1y ago

What is the worst way to start an apology?

I'll give it a shot, "I thought I apologized already, but whatever…"

98 comments

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is up there.
- Only right answer.
  If you don't think the same, I'm sorry you feel that way.
- And that's most every corporate apology out there!
- Classic non-apology.
  It’s not that I did anything wrong, it’s just that you decided to feel offended about it, that’s the real problem here.
  
  I saw a standup comic talking about people getting offended once and he talked about this saying. I am HEAVILY paraphrasing but...
  "Im sorry you feel that way" isnt a real apology, but its how I feel about people coming to a show, laughing at 9 jokes and then being personally offended by the 10th. I dont want to offend people. That joke has killed the last 20 times I told it so while I'm not changing my jokes I genuinely am sorry they feel that way."

I had a teacher tell me to drop out then be forced to write an apology letter for it.
She wrote "I'm sorry you thought I told you to drop out."
So I'm gonna say "I'm sorry you thought" is high up there. Straight up gaslighting.
- Drive me nuts.
  Its definitely some fucked up attempt at uno reversing. They can't admit mistake. Or worse, rather than try to understand the disconnect, they went into "it's your fault".
  Don't confuse it with the "I'm sorry you feel that way" as sometimes it sounds similar and used to the same effect, but different because it's not trying to shift blame, but acknowledge your emotions.

I’m sorry, but …
- That one entirely depends on what the "but" is. You can be sorry and have an entirely good reason for fucking up. Its not a great start though.
  "You slept with me and didnt call me all week!"
  "I'm sorry but there was a TNG marathon on"
  I'm sorry, but my mom died"
  
  I'm sorry for your loss

🚫 Conditional apologies:
"I'm sorry if..."
"I'm sorry but..."
"I'm sorry for [not the main thing you should be apologizing for]..."
🚫 Apologizing on behalf of the recipient:
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
"I'm sorry you came to that conclusion"
🚫 Insulting the intelligence of the recipient by way of apology:
"I'm sorry for not being more clear"
"I'm sorry about being so misleading"
🚫 Non-apologies:
"I apologize for..."
"It's regrettable that..."
"It was terrible to..."
When in doubt, keep it simple. Get the main apology out ASAP, then carefully start saying your piece afterward. Focus on yourself if the situation demands explaining yourself (many don't). Be extremely careful to speak only constructively about other individuals during the apology (if you can't say something nice...).
For example: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
- 🚫 Insulting the intelligence of the recipient by way of apology:
  "I'm sorry for not being more clear"
  "I'm sorry about being so misleading"
  How are those insulting? Saying that I should have been more clear means I am the one who messed up by not communicating properly. Something like "sorry that you misunderstood" would be insulting since it places the blame on the recipient's intelligence.
  
  They're not inherently insulting - there are ways to use those phrases appropriately, but they can be (and often are) used sarcastically, when the speaker had been clear in the first place.
  
  I'm sorry for not being more clear about how the dishes should be done.
  
  The main issue is that it partially reassigns blame onto the recipient of the apology. As if you're saying "I could have done better, but if you were someone else it might not have been an issue in the first place".
  Keep in mind that most apologies are being given unto hurt people and hurt people are less likely to give you the benefit of the doubt. That's why rule #1 is to keep it simple and spare the details.
  EDIT: A good example of this in context: "I'm sorry for this mixup. It should've been written better."
  Making the object of the sentence explicit ("this mixup") removes the implied presence of the recipient ("I'm sorry for not being more clear (with you)").
- I think what I've learned from most of your examples is that people just don't like apologies.
  
  People like the benefits of apologizing but don't want to pay the ego tax. It's one of the singlemost powerful social rituals we have as a species but you wouldn't know it based on how tightfisted so many apologies get.

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment"

Corporate jingle plays
"And now, a message from our company president..."
- We're sorry

My husband's favourite is "I'm sorry you got upset."
- Companies love that one too. "we are sorry our customers felt upset"
  
  "We're sorry we got caught"
  
  NASA too: “We’re sorry space got upset”

Eyeroll
- I’ve read a number of these and this is the only one I’ve read so far that I agree with

"I'm sorry that you...[took it that way, misunderstood, etc]" basically saying "this is your fault, but I'll apologize anyway"

"Ew do I really have to apologise to it? Fine..."

“I’m sorry that you were upset about it”
“I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep apologizing but I will anyways”
“I’m sorry if what I did was misinterpreted”
Or my favorite
“It’s not something that I need to apologize for but if it makes you happy”

Bring out a ukulele.
- But why is that song kinda catchy though?

In this video...
- [monetized]

“IF I’ve offended you, I’m sorry.”
It’s not an apology if you don’t start by agreeing with the other person’s viewpoint.
Instead say: “I can understand why you’re offended. What I didn’t wasn’t acceptable and here’s why: …”
- If you don't understand why someone is offended you can't possibly explain why what you did wasn't acceptable.
  
  I'm with you. But may I suggest you shouldn't really be making excuses for something you don't understand.

"I'm sorry that you feel that way"

I am 100% right, but since saying "sorry" is the only way you might shut up...

You don't really deserve this, but whatever dick head....
- Oh, it's a D. I was wondering what click head is.
  
  keming

"Even though you .."

Look...

pulls out ukulele

I shouldn’t have to apologize, but…
- My wife and I say this a lot. Anything after "but..." is BS.
  Find a way to say it better.
  
  Haha. So just stop at “I shouldn’t have to apologize” 😈

"My mommy made me write this because you got your fee fees hurt"

“You’re still upset about that?”
- That really upset you? That one little thing? Sheesh, sorry. Forgot you were so fragile.

"This shouldn't be necessary, but in case you got this wrong, ..."

To whom it may concern
- As already addressed in my last e-mail: some of you ...

'Some Ill informed people may see things your way, but...'

Not understanding what’s wrong, so you can only grasp at why the other person is mad probably making them even angrier

Anything following "I don't know how this happened" is a non-starter. If you don't know, then how can you really be sorry?

“Before I apologize…”

Waiting until it's "water under the bridge" and then apologizing because no amends have to be made and it still makes them look better. I'm no expert on apologies as a Reddit post of mine gives away, but one thing I'm sure of is an apology is supposed to be diplomatic.
Side note, I have decided this is the best way to apologize to me. Nothing else is necessary.
- I'm not sure I understand. Can you give an example of this happening?

"I know I'm not wrong but..."

Ya know, I'm not actually sorry, but I'm being forced to apologize. Next time just don't get upset, you cowardly snowflake and I won't have to apologize. Sorry, not actually sorry.

Starting with the word 'honestly.' We were already expecting you to be honest, reiterating it only adds suspicion that what follows isn't honest.

"Let me put some pants on..."
- (Works best in the UK)

I'm not sure what I've done wrong but..

I was just [insert action here].

"I was actually pretty surprised you'd react that way but..."

anything with the word but in it
- I'm sorry that this halibut was good enough for Jehovah

Personally, the worst way is to never start in the first place.
- Nah, no apology is always better than a non-apology in my opinion. Not apologising makes you a rude person. Doing a fake apology makes you a narcissistic gaslighter.
  
  We will have to agree to disagree on this point.
  I have a family member that never apologies for shitty behaviour. They expect to be forgiven, every time without doing anything even an insincere apology.