2mo ago

Alternatively... bidet

154 comments

Just get a damn bidet. Life changing.
- Yep. Take just it from Matt Damon and Alan Tudyk
  
  Take just it
  I don't know where they keep theirs. I'll probably need to just get my own.
- Not all poops occur at home.
  
  Travel bidet. I know of two co-workers who bring one to work daily. Think squeeze bottle with a long straw.
  Edit: personally I'm not a fan, to be clear, but it's possible.
  
  https://a.co/d/9a3tYZq

I did this once
The feeling of sweaty aka slippery butt cheeks in summer while walking to class and worst of all climbing stairs was too much. And let's not forget that farts have a to physically separate your cheeks to escape. Too much weird feeling.
Never again
Now I let my butthole grow some hair but keep it trimmed low because I'm not a heathen
- I'm pretty sure this is where the term "butt trumpet" came from.
- Just use some gold bond or other body powder. Problem solved. Thongs also solve the problem and are really quite comfortable once you're used to them.

This is why three seashells are superior to TP.
- That moment when OP doesn't know about the seashells (sremoveds in Rob Schneider)

All fun and games until you try and let a sneaky one rip in public
\

Wait 2 days, till it starts growing back.

I tried shaving my asshole but he ran away and never came back.

Horror story:
Shaved mine in prep for my first colonoscopy. I know, they see some nasty shit, don't know why I cared. Took TWO bottles of the lemon flavored ass blaster juice.
Ended up holding my ass cheeks apart and screaming at my ex-wife, "Get the neighbor! GET THE NEIGHBOR!" Said neighbor was a nurse but I was in such agony I couldn't think of her name.
Halfway down my ass cheeks, and all the way down from there, my flesh looked sandpapered, sunburned. Pain doesn't make me cry, but my eyes were plenty blurry that night.
And I still had to shit more lemon juice. Try not to think on this story.
- What the fuck is "lemon flavored ass blaster juice"??
  
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium_citrate
  In solution with water it tastes somewhere between the worlds worst flattest sprite and a sweet lemon.
  Edit: I'd marked Sodium Citrate, which is a similar compound but is used for different reasons. Sodium Citrate is an anti-coagulant. If you've ever donated blood plasma, its that weird sterile taste you get in the back of your neck when they feed the blood solids back in with saline. It is also used in nacho cheese.
  
  Before a colonoscopy, you typically have to drink something called "prep" to clean out your system. For the better part of a day before the procedure, you drink nothing but this liquid that is meant to clean out your intestines, and it makes you shit your guts out until it's nothing but the clear liquid. It's usually lemon or pineapple flavored, and it tastes awful.
- Thanks - you've made the rest of us look better, just by sharing your story
- My life is better knowing i will.never do this to myself.
- What was the neighbor's reaction?
- I thought you wanted your neighbour to watch for a moment there
  
  "Oh? That wasn't what you called me for?"
  puts away wine bottle
- Buddy anything other then soap around you squishy bits is asking for trouble.

fr tho, from personal experience shaving ur arsehole is a fucking blessing
- I could not imagine the regrowth itch from that being part of the blessed experience?
  
  There simply is none if you do it regularly, at least for me.
  
  A truly brutal experience I'll never revisit.
  
  As someone with a lot of experience shaving body hair, if you do it regularly it's fine. If you do it every once in a while, that's where it gets itchy. Tbh armpits get the itchiest regrowth, for me anyway.
  
  that is 100% true.
  but since i found that i actually enjoy all my body hair being off, i just shave everything 1-2 times a week.
  except my beard. gotta have something to remain dwarven.

Shaving can be... bad: https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html
- Came looking for exactly that epic story 😄

OP didn't mention the AGONIZING itch you get from the skin rubbing. Make sure to use some powder or some shit. Also it grows back in a week and takes so much time.
Just get a bidet.
- Trick is to NOT trim it down to perfect clean shaven. Leave some small tiny little hairs. It won't itch. Been doing that exact thing myself but I'm not willing to prove it.
  YMMV if your crack hair is harder than mine.
- And if you work out, the sweat just makes it all slidey back there ++ungood.
- sure to use some powder or some shit
  For the love of god, if your skin is irritated, do not use shit to try and fix it.
  /s

Bidet is the way

Water people. Just fucking wash your ass, it's hygienic and it feels nice too. Use a bidet, or just sit on the fucking bathroom sink (provided it's installed on the floor, and not the wall). It's amazing how poor ass hygine is for a nation that keeps going on about "eating ass".
- just sit on the fucking bathroom sink
  Well now everyone at work is looking at me funny.
  
  They said "bathroom" not "break room".
  
  Just flush and use the water from the toilet. After all it is a WC.
- ..., and it feels nice too.
  The nation fears that it might feel nice.
- I will get a bidet the day they invent one that sprays soapy water. Washing your ass without soap is like washing your hands without soap.
  Washing your ass in the sink is unsanitary. I don't need shit particles in my sink bowl. I much rather just hop in the shower after a shit and wash my ass with body wash after I'm done wiping. If you have a detachable showerhead, it's easy to do so without getting your whole body wet.
  
  My bidet is like a pressure washer seriously, it has quite a bit of pressure, enough to make it pretty unpleasant if I crank it up on high.
  Yeah, it's not soap but I'm not using my ass to eat, I'm just trying to get all the shit off of it so I don't get weird ass-rot and hemorrhoids.
  Mine was about $30 on sale and it increased my quality of life in ways that are hard to describe. Shitting at work is a lot worse now, I feel like a barbarian sitting around with a dirty ass all day.

Wait till he finds out what it feels like growing back in

bidets or water solve this too
- You can get a toilet bidet attachment that turns your toilet into a washlet. Get a good one with front and back settings, and you don't have to wipe the front either.
  
  Ours was only about $27, hooked up on about 20 minutes with just a wrench, and has worked flawlessly for the last 2 years.
  Easily the best $27 I've ever spent, and the entire family agrees. People who immediately shut down the conversation because it's icky, need to grow up.
- As often is the case, it's best to do a little of both.

Nair bikini on ur butthole. It will change ur life.
Yall ever fucked with an aerodynamic anus before????
- I've been doing this with "Veet gel cream hair remover - sensitive hair removal cream" for the past 6 months and it really is a game changer. No burning (and I've left it on longer than 10 minutes), wiping is almost always a one-and-done, BO is gone, it's amazing, honestly.
- Nair feels like getting the shit chemically burned off. I'll shave with cream and a blindfold before ever doing that again.
  I don't care how silky the hole is. I would rather do gymist poses in the mirror.
  
  I guess you’ve got really delicate skin :P I’ve definitely left the cream on longer than they suggest and I never got any irritation or chemical burns.
  The worst is a couple ingrown hairs that are irritated for the first few days.

On the other hand, your ass has no secrets now. Every fart is an announcement. You took the muffler away.

To any Americans who are bidet curious or even enthusiasts, I'd highly recommend this wand style bidet: https://rinseworks.com/shop/aquaus-360-hand-held-bidet-sprayer-for-toilet/
Personally, I find fancy features, like heat, to be superfluous. Seats or seat-mounted bidets are inevitably a pain in the ass to clean. This wand has a nice long hose. Not only can it clean your ass, but it can also help you to clean your bathroom. It should last a lifetime. And, of course, installation is a breeze not requiring electricity. If you are afraid of the cold, rest assured you will adapt. It will zap you awake.
- If you are afraid of the cold
  I'm glad you mentioned this is for Americans because here in Canada calling the winter water "cold" is like saying the sun is "hot". I can handle the cold water on my skin but shooting it directly at my butthole is not happening.
  
  You haven't lived until you shoot ice water at your brown eye
- The heated seats are really useful during the winter, though. And warm/hot water can often be better at "rinsing" solid material than cold water. I've noticed that it takes longer to feel fully clean with a non-electric bidet than an electric one. It's like trying to rinse dishes with cold water vs rinsing with scalding hot water. One will get the job done much faster.
- pain in the ass
  
  You’re holding it wrong.
- It might be overkill, but I'll keep my overpriced bidet with heated water/seat. Cleaning is not that bad, I just do it the same time I clean the bowl.
  
  Right, it's not significantly different from just wiping down the seat and/or bidet nozzles even in a non-electric one.
- Eh I got a $250 chinese seat model with a heated reservoir, heated seat, basically enema mode, child lock, self-clean, lights the bowl, 3 years now and it's great. Cleaning really not that big of a deal, especially compared to someone accidentally spraying the handheld all over, kids playing with it, etc
- Great suggestion! I also am sold to bidets. I went to look at the link you posted, and they have a hilarious image of a 100k$ bathroom with their 80$ bidet there, just sticking out like a sore thumb XD.
  
  Heh. I've used my fair share of fancy bidets. After using this sprayer, I far prefer its flexibility, utility, and power. The all-brass version is very well made, and the explicit ball valve mitigates the risk of damaging leakage. The promo video is pretty good too. While rare these days, sometimes, the less expensive option is in fact better quality and more functional.
  I do love how this topic invites such fervid replies.
- If you need a bidet to get your ass clean, what the fuck do you do when traveling?
  One could also change diet
  
  Travel bidet! Some can attach to water bottles and some have their own little reservoir.

Dude my superpower is that diarrhea comes out as filtered drinking water.
- How can I delete someone else's post?
- First person I ever followed here
  
  Nevermind I don't know how to follow peolle
- Nikls: “Stop, you fiend!” Spez: “you’ll never stop me!” Nikls: -unzips, bends over…. Spez: O_O

I have been tempted to try IPL hair removal myself
- It's a good idea if you have the right sort of skin tone. IPL works best on people with light skin and dark hair, but it might work on other combinations as well. Unfortunately, it doesn't work very well on dark skinned people
- I love my at home hair removal thingy, these work!

I eat a lot of fibre; makes the cleaning part a lot easier.
But these hairs that we have a fetish for removing are functional for our health and comfort, to varying degrees.
- I take a monster shot of psyllium husk everyday. Hardly anything to wipe and my shit no longer stinks.

If you shave your ass you chafe like fucking crazy.

What is this person's diet like? I mean feces is supposed to be a somewhat solid log, not a splattery mess. I guess Cheetos and Mountain Dew three times a day does that?
- You need to drink more water.
  
  I guess I wanted to say fresh poop should have the consistency and texture of new Playdoh straight from the can. If you grab it and bend it slightly, small cracks should appear.
- I mean the worst is usually the one that is mostly solid but something fucked it just a bit and now its like 15% towards veing runny. Just solid enoigh to come out relatively in one piece but also soft enough to spread all over your ass.
  Had one like rhat yesterday. Did not have plans to shower that day but alas I went straight from the shitter into the shower.

The comedian Daniel Sloss does a bit on this.
- Was he the one who did the whole “like trying to get peanut butter out of carpet” bit?
  
  Yes!

Depilatory creams are your friend in that area.

Alternatively, don't be a shit poster. Did I take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?

Careful with the bidet conversation. I saw someone on plebbit explain how they don't have to wash their hands after they take a shit because they have a bidet that washes and dries their asshole.

Okay, here's what you do. Just keep a small container of skin cream with you. when you are done your bisuness, apply a small amount to the toilet paper, and wipe until clean. it helps remove and moisturize at the same time. you would never need to but those non flushable wipes again.
- I don't think you understand. If I were to concoct a shitass story about being a shitass, and put that on the shitass interwebs, what would a shitass AI response look like? Respond as a shitass. Thanks.

Most teachers are women that do not need to worry about wiping a hairy ass. If school was taunt by men or nurses that wipe adult asses it would get mentioned.
Probably
- What a bizzare thing to say. Plenty of women have hairy asses. And no, men wouldn't teach this is they were the majority of teachers for the same reason women don't - it's not socially acceptable. The parents of the children would riot. Sex education is only taught because of how important it is, and it still makes a lot of parents uncomfortable.
  
  Fair.

There should be life tutorial for autists, with Buller points and shit. It would be much easier that way.

Wet wipes. Does everything a bidet does w/o getting a squirt in your asshole.
- And then you have that nasty little foot pedal trashcan next to your toilet because you don't flush the wipes, right?
  ...you don't flush the wipes...do you?
  
  Ofc not. But rather have trash in a trash can then shit squirting in my ass like a fetishist. But you do you boo.
- This was my solution for the longest time until I finally bought a bidet. Wet wipes are definitely a thousand times better than just dry tissue and if they're working for you go for it, I just got tired if having to go buy more and decided a one time purchase and install of a bidet would be easier. Everyone in this thread is going to recommend a bidet, as do I now that I've started using one, but wet wipes were my go to and no bathroom should be without them
  
  Ikr? People are treating my feeling towards thier bidet enjoyment as a personal affront.
- So it takes all the fun away from using a bidet
  
  Shit you got me there. Didn't know it was a feature not a bug.

154 comments