People who want a romantic partner, what are you looking for that your current options lack?
People who want a romantic partner, what are you looking for that your current options lack?
Excepting reciprocal interest in you
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Creative, fun and encouraging. Emotionally mature, respectful, and commited to ongoing self improvement. Everything else is peripheral, but bonus points for writers and artists who are into pc gaming and technology.
My biggest issue has been men socialized with some kind of bias against women, who don't examine their need to protect and try to make decisions for me. I'm pansexual but lean toward people with dicks.
I learned how to use power tools when I was seven, I'm mechanically inclined, and built my own PC at eighteen. There are an unfortunate number of men who will start a conversation with me from a place of condescension. The last date I went on, he showed me his chainsaw, I asked to try it out and what he said started with "Okay, well it can be a little scary at first because it's loud..." Another guy told me I was cracking eggs wrong when I made breakfast. I used to be a head chef.
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The condescension and man-splaining thing is difficult and is definitely a trained part of a male-dominated culture/sub-culture if it is based on prejudice. The chainsaw incident might have come from a genuine place of concern and caution since power tools can be dangerous, even variants of tools somebody has experience with. I personally struggle with gauging my expectations of how familiar any random person would be with something I’m bringing up, especially if it’s something I’ve had other people confused by in the past. I usually say “Have you heard of X?” or “How familiar are you with X?” to try to avoid either scenario of my audience thinking that I’m condescending them or them being lost about a subject they know nothing about.
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I know and understand where it comes from, but I don't want to deal with it in a partner.
The chainsaw thing was absolutely because I'm a chick and representative of his overall attitude toward me that evening. Asking if I'd used a chainsaw would have been appropriate, or a quick rundown on starting/stopping would have been fine.
Basically, I ask myself if he would have said the same thing in the same way to a man. I've worked on enough jobsites to know that no, that doesn't happen.
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If you're not using one of these, you might be cracking eggs wrong.
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My biggest issue has been men socialized with some kind of bias against women, who don’t examine their need to protect and try to make decisions for me. I’m pansexual but lean toward people with dicks.
This is because the so many women are actively seeking these things from men. They often want to be infantalized. FWIW it's why most of my relationships fail, because I don't treat women like children and they want that.
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Mostly free time to meet in person. Busy professional looking for busy professional gets difficult.
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Let me just drop this here as constructive criticism..
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-most-common-regrets-people-have-at-the-end-of-life
Now I know some might think there's this guy on the internet throwing around stuff feeling very clever but let me tell you that's not it.
I experienced it, my heart stopped. And so could yours. I was very lucky. And now I'm not running around selling the next religion (the contrary actually) however I can recommend making the time for things that count.
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I'm gender fluid, I describe myself as 70% male, 30% female gender identity. I'm straight.
I am exhausted by women continually declaring what they want in men, but not really wanting that. I simply cannot act obsessive, possessive, or dominant. I want a woman to approach me on an equal footing. It continually shocks me how women demand toxic behavior in a dating context.
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I was like this when I started dating. Popular media and family impacted how I viewed love and relationships, so accustomed to living with controlling narcissists I didn't understand what healthy affection looked like.
My first relationships were nightmares with similar people who reinforced those ideas. If I was approached by someone with a healthy, balanced mindset, I wouldn't know what to do with them.
Which is not to provide a solution, but rather some insight. In a sense it's a good thing you recognize a toxic situation before it begins, in another sense it can be lonely and frustrating, and I can commiserate from the other side
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I completely agree and I can validate many women I've met have been in very toxic relationships, and as much as they hate them, they do not know how to function in a healthy one
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women continually declaring what they want in men, but not really wanting that.
That’s something I’ve noticed sometimes as well, and I hoped that there’d be women (or even some confused men or nonbinaries) answering this post and a discussion would follow which would help both them and others understand what they’re really after.
demand toxic behavior in a dating context
This is something I’ve seen as well, but I think of it as a separate issue as the previous one. If somebody wants a sugar daddy/mommy/whatever, that’s entirely different than an actual relationship.
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women who are more healthy tend to be in relationships that are stable and long term. they aren't single going in and out of relationships. also true of men. healthy people seeking out healthy people and who have good priorities.
all my best female friends over the years married young and never divorced. they chose the right people and valued other people for the things that actually matter, not the shallow bullshit that most people chase.
a big thing is that most singletons want their partner to fix their lives for them. they are unhappy in their middle class office job and think a partner to elevate them to the luxury travel lifestyle they see on social media. That expecation is entirely unrealistic, but they don't care about realism, so they shut themselves off from realistic partners and chase fantasies in their head or short term relationships.
in short, healthy people don't chase romantic fantasies, unhealthy people do, an are forever unfufilled.
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what women are emotionally attracted to is often anti-social and abusive behaviors.
and they are actively disgusted by the behaviors they claim they want in a partner. caring, kindness, emotional openless etc.
esp single women.
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It's not a battle of the sexes thing. Both men and women are often attracted to the traits they outwardly disdain.
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Options, I'm entirely socially isolated.
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Depressive intellectual honesty is #1.
No children ever #2. I didn't like children even when I was one and that never changed. My sense of morality also disagrees with procreation.
No deity beliefs or vague spiritualism #3.
That's it really, and yet I've barely ever met anyone like this. People don't exactly advertise these traits that I've seen local to me.
Edit: Oh and as far as physical goes I'm not body picky. It's mostly about the face. I like angular, resting removed face. Intensity. If you scare people I'm into it.
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i think #3 is your greatest limiter. i expect more people have at least some kind of spiritual / meaning-making impulse than don't, by a large margin.
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I'd agree. Stats show I've already cut 75% off the global population with that preference alone just the religious! I'm sure it's higher factoring in spiritual.
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I think it really depends on the demographics of the immediate society somebody finds themself within. The presence or absence of specific spirituality or religious beliefs is really important to a lot of people and can make up a significant portion of who they are. Just as the commenter is requiring an absence of certain beliefs, there are others in the dating pool who are requiring the presence of these beliefs, and the commenter wouldn’t have a healthy relationship if they have to fake who they are to be with somebody.
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scales, wings, a tail, and the ability to breath fire tbh
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Would you accept fish scale?
Is puking blobs that are on fire acceptable? Without distance propulsion.
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An immune system capable of dealing with my pets.
Living nearby.
A positive attitude or at least a attempting to improve on things that bother them in their life.
Age.
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Ugh, yeah, I can't stand all the ageless people around me. Get on my mortal plane, gosh!
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Exactly! Lol.
Maybe more like "be of an appropriate age". I don't mind a fling or two with people on the extreme ends of appropriate age-range, but recently everyone I connect with seem to be at least ten years younger than me. It's like my city had a purge of people of my age and I just slept through it.
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I don't have current options.
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Human decency. Most of my dates are souless corporate drones who are completely selfishly absorbed in chasing the dragon of materialism, while spouting spiritualistic new age buzzwords about how they value 'experiences' while they are spending 130% of their pay on luxury lifestyle living and are deeply unhappy and are solely looking for a male provider so they can quit their job and maintain their lifestyle.
They are often openly sexist, racist, and disgusting focused on appearances above all else. Everything is chasing brands and projecting an image of 'success' despite how rotten they are on the inside.
The last decent human being I met on a date was years ago. It was an immigrant woman who was a nurse who was supporting her family. She was so kind, thankful, and decent. I was not attracted to her but I meet about 35 of the above types of ladies for every decent one I meet who actually is living for someone other than personal 'hedonism' and needing weekly therapy to 'survive' the 'difficulties' of their sad little rich girl lives.
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Authenticity, depth and integrity. Someone who isnt performative to please me and who I dont have to perform to please either. They wont force me into a role or idolize me yet we should still be able to like and appreciate each other as people of our own. Plus someone who I genuinely find physically attractive because I rarely find men who are attractive to me by my standards so until I find someone like that I dont even wanna try dating.
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Yeah I am with you. Incredibly hard to find.
99% of my social interactions are someone trying to please me to get something out of me. And I hate it. It is so hard to find people who are just... doing their thing and respect you doing yours. It's so rare, but it's so nice when you do meet people like that.
I feel like social media has supercharged it. I definitely used to meet more authentic people 10 years ago than I do now.
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I move every two weeks.
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I move every day. How do you go two weeks without movement?
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Baron Harkonnen spotted
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This thread has been interesting to read.
I don't worry about guys starting out with preconceptions about women, most of them do (as we do about men) but also recognize people are individual. it always has settled out for me over time, but maybe the guys I attract are not looking for traditional "femininity" as I don't really ooze with it in looks or behavior. I'm delighted to be a woman for sure, but was not raised very differently from my brothers, my mom just treated us all the same.
And the first two responses in the list when I look at it:
"Having a sex drive as high as mine and not being bipolar."
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"Someone that is okay with not being able to engage in coitus with me."
Shows how different we are, really that gives me hope.
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Haven’t dated in years.
If I did: someone that would accept that in my spare time I like to video game (and won’t beat up on me for doing that).
Someone that doesn’t smoke or vape
Someone that will not get mad that I have a 5.1 theater on the main TV, or that I use a TiVo to record my shows.
Someone that isn’t ugly. Sorry but if I don’t find you attractive then the answer is no.
You don’t need large breasts but you need something there.
Also someone that can handle that I like sci-fi and fantasy movies.
And you need to make about what I make a year. It can be more, but not less. If you make less , then that means financially you can’t pay your monthly bills. I can support myself but on my income I can’t support two people.
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Unless you're barely scraping by, I don't understand how not making the exact amount of money you're making at least means they can't pay their monthly bills. 🤔
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That’s basically what it means. I get my monthly bills paid and have enough left over to put into a retirement fund, with a little more for a trip every 2 or 3 years.
If she is making less then that then which of those three do I give up? Retirement? Life (doing something other than working)? Monthly bills?
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I was never in a relationship and am very awkward in social interaction so I would probably want someone who will be patient with me and be alright with random info dumps/sharing YouTube videos about random tech and such.
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I still have to live with my vicious manipulative abusive ex for now until I can safely escape financially/logistically, and while we are very much NOT together, that's not an appealing situation for a potential date and I get that. I would also not want someone to feel like they had to help me get out, or like I was monkey branching into a new relationship, which is what my ex had done to me, which I didn't find out for some time, because that felt really bad for me when I found out, and while I don't think my ex deserves any considerate behaviour after the way he's treated me, I wouldn't feel good about myself for doing it.
It also feels really crappy to be middle aged and start all over with this, have to weed out the ones who aren't suitable, make an effort about the whole thing, and have to navigate a physical relationship with someone new, or find someone that shares my values.
Also sneaking around my ex would be potentially explosive.
Not going to lie though, having someone that makes me feel loved, tingly, excited, etc, and isn't a damnable monster would really be nice.
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Yikes!!
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Someone who actually cares about me enough to help me with the things I suck at. Someone who would drop everything they are doing if I needed them, the way I do for everyone I care about. Someone who thinks I am sexy and wants to be physically intimate. Someone I am comfortable enough around to be myself and not mask to fit in.
What my current relationship is lacking is he's not as available as I would like, we don't talk about deep personal shit, and we don't really have sex. Basically just friends that cuddle and sleep in the same bed on occasion.
Main problem is I want more, and he doesn't know what he wants. But I'd rather keep what we have than have nothing at all. We're not monogamous so I've just been thinking about maybe simply adding more people than trying to find one that ticks every box. Plus it would be fun to say shit like "My Monday and Tuesday boyfriends are hanging out with my Wednesdsy girlfriend, which is why I'm just chilling with Thursday, even though it's Monday."
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Opportunity? Losing my baggage? Admittedly not in a hurry until my kids graduate but it would probably be wise to start laying the groundwork.
Currently my hobbies and activities tend to be home oriented so I really don’t meet anyone. I’ve always been introverted and most of my adult friends were couple friends or her friends. The few times I’ve looked into dating apps I’m immediately horrified by the personal information they collect
My ex has been amicable and reasonable and we’ve done a decent job of co-parenting but it’s tough to get past dedicating your life to someone for so many years. I wouldn’t take her back since things got toxic but I’m having a hard time leaving completely. At the same time I’d feel like I need to protect myself from anyone new, both in not opening myself to attack and not risking what little I have left for supporting my kids and retirement
I’m a real catch, right?
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For someone you will be. When I went through my breakup I thought I'd just try to find a couple casual guys but not relationship with anyone - 4 kids, a job, digging out financially but not quickly, and I'd never considered myself 'sexy' though I've always had a high sex drive, because I was skinny without much in the way of T&A - like even when I was nursing kids my boobs didn't get big at all! And my ex (and I thought all guys) was into curvy plush built women, liked me despite my build not because of it.
Anyway - met my husband in the course of trying to find my casual guys and he had kids, more than I did actually because he'd gotten custody of all the kids, including his stepkids when he split from his ex. Well, who's not afraid of a lady with 4 kids? A guy who raised 5 as a single dad, that's who. Finally down to just 2 at home, one finishing college the other just finished high school.
Believe me, there are women out there who will consider you a perfect fit.
Oh and I also found out there are plenty of guys who like skinny, though I now have more weight still look more athletic than curvy.
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They need to be local or willing to help me move to them.
Online relationships are nice but I wanna cuddle. 😭
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Non drug user/smoker
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Has an offroad-capable vehicle so she can meet/follow me to those gorgeous, quiet, unpopulated, un/less-polluted, green places I like to hang out in as much as possible.
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Maybe carpool after getting to know each other and feeling comfortable/safe together?
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Similar educational and economic status and close in age. Essentially, financially independent and intelligent. However, my “single parent” status quite fairly keeps most people away. So I have given up.
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Aw don’t give up you’ll find the one someday! Lots of people like kids.
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Having a sex drive as high as mine and not being bipolar.
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Someone that is okay with not being able to engage in coitus with me.
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Okay here's another one and this does not describe all of my potential dating partners, but a big amount of them.
People who have kids and declare that the kids are their whole lives; people who do not have kids, but talk about their dog like it's their baby.
It's wonderful to love your kids, and it's wonderful to bond with your dog, but to define your entire being around those is so unhealthy.
Many parents whose kids are already in university, and don't want much to do with them can often not let go. Often will spend their entire weekend fretting about their daughter or son who doesn't even want to talk to them and won't reply to their messages. Get on with life, lady. Get one actually.
And I love dogs, and I've tried to set aside and compromise on the "my dog is my baby" mentality, but it always comes down to that person being so completely disconnected from their own emotional core, you can never actually know them.
E: downvoters: "I took that personally"
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I want someone who shares my hatred of apple and companies in general. A fediverse user who is smart and has common sense. On top of that I would also like someone who doesn't mind that im socially awkward and terrible at one on one conversations.
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When I am talking with them, I want to feel like I am having a conversation with ChatGPT.
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Even more unreasonable expectations. :(
But yes.
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i want. But i can't
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The last woman I was chatting with turned out to be anti-vax. So, not that.
I don’t disagree, and I have all those things too. I don’t think I’m picking up what your puttin down though.