1w ago

makes more sense than this shit

103 comments

That weasel’s name?
Harambe.
- The way to return to the correct timeline is simple: Take the dicks out.
  
  If we all do it at the same tim
  
  How long should I keep it for? It’s cold over here!
  
  South Park is certainly helping, then
- I was going to say, Gef.
- Actually it was Pauly Shore
  
  Rest assured if there's a bubble I can make trouble in it.
  
  I thought he died in 2003?
- This reality is just us refusing humanity and returning to monke. Every day I think more and more about bananas
  
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Unfortunately I have more belief in humans fucking shit up than I do in accidental weasel hadron colliding.
- Also, this says it was in 2016. We were already super fucked by then. I'd be more inclined to believe that we live in a giant simulation that got fucked by the millennium bug.
  Not that things were great in 2000, but the point is that 2016 is way too late. It's like looking at water that's just starting to boil, and then being surprised when it becomes a rolling boil.
  
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_financial_crisis
  
  Yeah but in 2000, I still felt like shit roughly made sense. We entered clown world long about the time the LHC fired its first high energy collisions.
  The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was first "fired high energy" when it achieved its first high-energy particle collisions on March 30, 2010. On that date, proton beams collided at a combined energy of 7 TeV, setting a new world record and officially beginning the LHC's research program.
  I remember hearing that that was going to happen and, you know, being mildly concerned. Then it came and went and I forgot about it. But I distinctly remember 2012. A series of truly bizarre things happened in my personal life. I sold a condo I owned at the time and moved away to try and put some distance between myself and what was happening. It was pants-on-head stupid, like I just couldn't believe what was going on, but it was personal, not earth-shattering, just truly, deeply bizarre.
  Shortly thereafter, Trump happened, then covid - and the whole world began being truly, deeply bizarre. Now things have progressed so far that where I used to think I knew a bit about how the world works and where it's going, I am now utterly adrift. I don't even try to make sense of it anymore, just to accept it and roll as best I can.
  I'm not saying correlation is causation but when I first heard the LHC theory it made me stop and think.
  
  I think when harambe was murdered is when most people noticed that we're fucked
  
  Turning it on was the mistake. It was activated in 2015.
- In this universe yes but in the weasels timeline weasel based time manipulation is quite common.
- I read, “weasel hardon collision”.
  
  I would rent that movie for at least once.
  
  I may have constructed my sentence thusly that that mental image might arise, ngl

I know it's a joke, but I mean... there were signs way before 2016 that things were heading in a weird direction.
- Something similar happened in 2009: https://time.com/archive/6933968/did-a-time-traveling-bird-sabotage-the-collider/
  
  That's pretty funny. Even funnier if there are people out there who actually believe in this magical thinking nonsense.
- Trump’s campaign and election momentum was in full swing! 🤮

Best I can do is a microwave and a banana.
- Worth giving it a shot.
- Hey, I know this reference!

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/04/29/476154494/weasel-shuts-down-world-s-most-powerful-particle-collider
This just got me thinking how cool it would be to have a game where you come across one of these in disrepair and have to reverse engineer your way to making it work. You’d have a massive complex and lots of nooks and crannies to hide puzzles in. Make it look old and abandoned with overgrowth and I’m even more sold.
Edit: There’s a hidden gem almost exactly like this called Infra. You’re a structural analyst sent in to survey large portions of abandoned infrastructure run by a corrupt governor. Your only job is to take pictures of damage and solve puzzles. Wildly my vibe.
- Have u played Abiotic Factor? Cause that's kinda the vibe
  
  This kills me because the concept looks great, but I’m never really into survival. Hate kill screens in immersive games.
- Maybe up your alley? nucleares
  
  Just added an edit for a game I found tonight.

I feel like these thought processes of there being multiple timelines and that somehow we shifted into a bad one really garbage.
As if you just deserve a better world and its by bad unforseen luck that you are stuck in a world that you dont even care about cause its not the one you should be in.
Well I was born here. Ive only been in one life and it was bad from the beginning and i had to do my own work to make it even bearable and its been that way since 95. Reality did change but thats because it always does. Start changing reality to one you like. Dont wait for a weasle to fucking do it.
- It’s called a joke.
  
  I understood that.
  That was just my response.
  
  Thats not what this is lmao
- Don't watch steins gate
  
  Fricking love it!
  About a neet who gets everything he wants starting with the idea that there is evil science trying to take over the world and goes to the limit him being able to fuck his best bro.
  And yet the only good ending is when he gives up on his fantasies but lives the real world and consequences and yet still tries anyways to be who he wants to be.
  Fricking exceptional.

Actually, this is the better timeline. We were shifted into the really bad timeline after the cascade failure occurred right after the first test.
The weasel actually saved billions of lives.
- Forseen Consequences
  
  The right weasel at the right time can make all the difference in the world

I distinctly remember when they had to shut the LHC down after a bird dropped a baguette on it:
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2009/nov/06/cern-big-bang-goes-phut
https://time.com/archive/6933968/did-a-time-traveling-bird-sabotage-the-collider/

So the weasel is why we live in the Biff timeline

Weasel fried itself on a transformer outside the facility, it didn't jump inside the collider ffs
- Maybe it jumped in to the collider, changed the timeline, got out, then got fried making its escape?
  Also, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but you are definitely part of the Time Bending Illuminati trying to control my thoughts!! Well, tough, I'm wearing my foil hat, HA.
- There was actually a second weasel that did.

Also, in the parallel universe in which David Bowie and Prince didn’t die, they play at Hillary Clinton’s inauguration
- you couldn't have dreamed a little harder and said "Bernie Sanders"?She's the US equivalent of Keir Starmer
  
  Who,?
- Fuck Hillary and the DNC.

Was this before or after Harambe's death?
- A few months before. Theory checks out.

It was the weasel that went into the collider. We've always been in the same timeline. It's the weasel that's now confused and very angry.
- alternatively the weasel is now in a good timeline

I like the (joke) theory that the world was created Jan 1st 1970 and every memory or artifact from before that point is simulated history, since that explains the gradually increasing insanity that's been building up since
- Agreed, WWI and WWII were pretty chill. /s
- Yeah slavery was totally a sane thing /s
  
  Wow lighten up. I throw a joke theory out there about unix timestamps and that's you're takeaway?
  Why do you have to intentionally try to ruin a bit of fun

For what it's worth — and keeping fully in mind this is a meme and therefore not serious — Starfield (crappy Xbox/PC game from the people who made Skyrim) did this. A particle accelerator experiment (albeit involving an alien artefact) caused reality to split apart. So I'm gonna say, it's possible!
- In that universe, humans also have FTL travel and colonies on hundreds of planets, yet have mysteriously lost the arcane technology known as “email” and require everything to be done in person.
  Also most of the colonies are either one family living alone on a distant space rock, or abandoned military outposts full of an inexplicable amount of space pirates, and somehow the two rarely interact.
  And humans didn’t destroy earth with climate change, instead the FTL drives they invented blew away the atmosphere… somehow. Yet this is a secret protected by big engine or some shit, because every other habitable planet still lets everyone use their FTL drives near the planet anyway.
  God that game sucks.
  
  Yes it does.
  Sometimes I miss the shooting. The best gun in the game is locked behind the pirate quest line, but that's buggy AF. From getting the guards shooting at you for silently KO'ing the guy you're after on the luxury cruise ship to the three beacons you have to protect (pirate side) or destroy (navy side) just not showing up... and the developers having people report these issues on a dedicated issues channel on their Discord and just not caring enough about their game to fix their shit... it sucks. Now I can't even remember what it's called. I just remember pointing at something in my way and clicking or maybe double clicking and it getting erased. Oh yeah. Revenant. Something like that.
  Oh yeah, or how the hot Asian pirate chick has this stupidly convoluted maze of a ship and her Captain's Locker always has like 25k credits in it and she does not care if you take it. That was funny to me.
  Game absolutely sucks. And it's worse because the developers do not care.
  
  Okay… for the whole e-mail thing, if humanity has access to move people faster than light, but lack the ability to move just information faster than light, it would make sense to have a courier move the information, especially if it’s between two bodies that are sufficiently distant. For context, it takes the Mars rovers between 4 to 24 minutes to receive communications from Earth, depending on the distance between Earth and Mars, and that’s with radio, which travels at the speed of light. In addition, in cases where you’re moving large amounts of data between two locations, it could be faster to simply put the information onto a flash drive and deliver it to whoever you are sending it to. In fact, Alphabet/Google uses this method to move data internally.
  
  have FTL travel...yet have mysteriously lost the arcane technology known as “email”
  To be fair, you do realize how many meetings happen today that could have been emails. That's just the interstellar social equivalent

things weren't good before then though
- But some celebrities died, which is the worst thing that can happen to an American

No it's just the inevitable progression of neoliberalism

This is the Inverse Steinsgate worldline where everything bad happens. Covid and climate change are worldline convergence.

I'm now a firm believer in this theory.

Weasel: There was no other other way.

Though, for each of those possible timlines to have ever existed, they would have to be played out with humans that have a consciousness. Maybe, we're that consciousness.