Should my wife tell her Dad that she's not his daughter?
Should my wife tell her Dad that she's not his daughter?
My wife found out Saturday through an ancestry.com DNA test that her dad is not her actual biological father. Her mother had a supposed one time incident with a man she found on Facebook through the names on the ancestry test. Her parents separated when she was 6. She wasn't close with her dad over the years, but there was nothing ugly about it. Now she has been getting closer with him. She doesn't want to tell him that he's not her biological father, as that would hurt the relationship.
I told her she needs to tell him, because honesty is a building block of a relationship and that he's still her father. If he finds out through the test that he took too (and didn't put it together that she's not his), then he will be devastated that she didn't say anything. My question is, should she tell him or not?
I'll support her decision either way, but I think honesty is the right thing. The right thing isn't always the easy thing. I understand that her Dad, who raised her, will always be her true father to her.
I vote for no, there's nothing to gain from telling him.
Except if he finds out later that she was hiding this from him deliberately that could be excruciatingly hurtful. Whereas telling him now, I think, is more likely to play out as a "I just found out but you're still my dad regardless of genetics" thing.
The upvotes to this are short-sighted and, as a step-dad myself, I can only wish the opposite we're true. I cannot imagine having the rare chance at rebuilding a fractured relationship with my flesh & blood decades later and then hearing from them that it wasn't technically accurate? 💀 No, the simple act of telling him would imply importance, and that is not the intent. Don't. Please, don't.
No.
What good will come of it? What bad will come of it?
I can't think of a good, but for a bad he could have his heart broken.
He's her dad. He raised her. Anything else is unimportant after this.
If he finds out and asks her, that is the answer.
"You are my dad."
Extremely well put. I understand @JoumanaKayrouz@lemmy.world 's point of view, that honesty is the best policy - but I do think this is one of the few exceptions to that.
When I was in my early 20s I found out my dad isn't my biological dad. He doesn't know and I never told him. I agree with this advice and reasoning 100%.
The honest truth is... It doesn't matter. Being a dad/father is not the same as being a genetic donor.
Your wife is not the cheater here and has no obligation to say anything. Again, because it doesn't matter.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him. The hard thing is to let the past stay in the past. If he finds out on his own means, and cares enough to roach the topic, it's a great time to have the conversation about what a father is.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him.
Tell that to my wife
Dude, you focused on 1 sentence and missed the point.
#1 It is Your WIFE'S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
#2 Your wife knows her dad better than you do. Trust her.
#3 Biology does not make a parent. She believes her genetics is irrelevant to her relationship with her father. She's probably right. Odds are that he's suspected she's biologically not his for a while anyway.
#4 He took the test, too. He knows. Knowing that she knows and is still seeking him out as though nothing has changed probably means the world to him. No need to confront something they both are ignoring.
#5 Your wife is a full-grown, functioning adult with a mature relationship with her father. She can make these decisions without your assistance. Quit it.
Also, if you undermine this and leak it in any way, she has every right to leave you. This could be divorce-worthy behavior.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
There are some things you should sleep on for a night.
And there are some things you should sleep on for a month.
Then there is this.
"her dad is not her actual biological father"
Who cares. he is her dad.
But seriously, while pedantic I think differentiating between "dad" and "father" is part of the solution here. Your title leans into one of the most abrasive ways she could break the news (I know that wasn't a proposed phrasing). "Your my dad, I love you, but turns out your not my bilogical father" is much more palatable way to break the news, and puts the focus on what's actually important.
Either way, as you said, it's her decision. Even if agreement from us commenters is unanimous she should chuck out all our opinions and do what she thinks is right.
He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy.
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy. As painful as it is, there's just no good way to keep a secret like this once the genie is out of the bottle. There are too many ways for it to click for Dad, and too many different vectors for the information to make it to him even if he doesn't piece things together.
Only she can make the decision and only she knows her dad, but OP's wife should probably have a private conversation with him and explain that the test is not wrong, with sensitivity and emotional truth. Of course he'll be hurt and embarrassed. He might be angry, but by hiding it, especially when he's interested in AncestryDNA (which, btw, is rock solid at this scale), she'd just be adding onto the list of people who've lied to him and who decided they were equipped to make decisions for him. She's just hoping to play kick the can until he dies, and that's no way to have an honest relationship with someone you love.
The toolset available to those who want to be unfaithful has simply shrunk in the last 10-20 years. There is a lot of family hurt that is coming out due to it, and IMHO it is a fool's errand to try to deny it exists, rather than mitigate it with love and empathy.
Don’t tell. If he finds out she can say she already knew but doesn’t care because it changes nothing Dad.
If he took a test at the same time, and knows she did as well, won’t he be asking about the results?
I think she should tell him, but also stress that to her she is his Dad, and if she isnt intending on tracking down her biological donor she should make that clear also. He was the one there throughout the years, he is the one trying to make an effort now. It sounds like she loves him and is afraid of losing him, give her some time to absorb and process. Maybe she could talk to a therapist to help her sort this out, and for tips on the best language to use etc?
I mean I’m estranged from my father and I would be having big feeling finding out something like this.
No, I don't think there is anything good to it only hurt. Would you rather know after raising someone as a kid for decades?
Yes, though obviously you have to do it in a way that doesn't ruin the relationship.
Something akin to "I have to tell you something important, can we talk over coffee?"
Have her break the news in-person.
I don't think so. It doesn't do anything except confirm mom cheated and that he didn't create a life. Let the past live in the past and be a close, loving family today.
I would say tell him, it might suck but another aspect is your wife might want to find her biological father in the future. It would be weird to do that without telling the man who raised her I think.