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Autism @lemmy.world
OhVenus_Baby @lemmy.ml

Autists (?) I need your help as a Normie for my autism GF.

As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.

How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.

My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.

But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn't sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it's kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.

But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.

Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It's like she can't explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn't like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.

How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can't explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)

What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?

What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.

I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it's like... why can't you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she's constantly never ending overwhelmed.

I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!

Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.

In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don't mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.

I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.

26 comments

  • 59 yo man with ASD with a 20 yo daughter with ASD.

    We don't perceive or express emotions the way normies do. We don't understand subtle social clues or hints. It's easier for us if you just tell us what you are thinking. My wife is moody and passive aggressive which I just don't understand. If you're happy, tell her. If you're mad, tell her. If you're upset with her, deal with it.

    If she is peopled out give her space.

    If she's with you it's because she wants to be. She has learned to mask which can make her seem cold or indifferent. She's just trying to act in a way that won't cause a negative reaction that she has witnessed in the past.

    I do that. When I'm dealing with someone new who I find attractive I am extremely flat bordering on cold. I have misinterpreted what I thought were hints or suggestions in the past so I assume that everything that might be a hint or a suggestion is not and play everything neutral casual. I've been told by women that I'm emotionally stupid as a result.

    Make her feel safe telling you what she wants. If she tells you she wants something do it if you can. If you can't, don't get emotion, just explain that you can't but ask her to ask about the next thing. Make her feel safe asking you for things.

    If you can learn to communicate with her Aspies are a lot of fun. I have a standard speech that I give to everyone I meet that I might be interested in being more than casual acquaintances with that explains how I act and how to communicate with me. I had someone once ask, "So I can ask you anything and you will say, 'yes' or, 'no' and if you say, 'no' it won't change anything?" Yes. "Like what can I ask?" Do you want to have coffee? Can I join your Minecraft realm? Can I sit on your face? "Can I sit in your face?" Yes. "That's cool."

    We find dealing with normies who never just come out and say what they want and who hint and suggest and brood exhausting. When you get two of us together shit happens.

    I hope this helps.

    EDIT: I should proofread. Fucking racoons.

  • Fwiw I have pretty severe ADHD and somewhat mild autism.

    My best advice is that one doesn't need an explanation for emotions. Focus on needs. I second the 'is this good/bad/neutral' that someone suggested. I would like to add that I would focus on NEEDS rather than what the feeling is.

    Examples:

    'would you like to be alone right now? Do you want me here?'

    'would you like to be held?'

    Even simple ones like 'lights on or off?'

    Maybe together you can learn what situations can be helped by what reaction/strategy. E.g. when I'm overwhelmed, I like it when the lights are off and my partner sorta lies on me like a weighted blanket.

    With physical intimacy, she sounds a bit like me; it can be hard to know what you want. My strategy is to ask to try sth, then as it's happening, check in to see how it feels. I've told my partner to do it like this.

    Example:

    'would you like to try holdingy hand?'

    If it's a yes, do it, then after a few seconds:

    'is this ok? Do you like it?'

    If either of you don't want to or can't talk well in these situations, you can designate a non verbal signal, like asking and nodding, or guiding someone's hand, then looking at them, and they nod to signal consent.

    Honestly, I act like this in intimacy with non autistic people too. It's good consent practice. At worst, they're like 'yes yes get on with it'.

    Hope my ramblings help at all, lol. You sound like a sweet and attentive partner. All the best and feel free to ask further questions.

  • When I am nonverbal, I have a system with my ADHD roommate where we will use hand squeezes to communicate. She can ask questions, and I will signal yes or no.

    "No" with no question asked when we are outside the house means "I need to go to a quiet place (or home,) I'm overstimulated."

    We have other signals for other things, but it'd make sense to tailor a system to you! (Signals I have: "I need food" "I need a bathroom" "What are you thinking (depending on context: about right now/for next)?")

    Having emergency nonverbal communications help a lot in the dynamic feeling more safe as well as removing a huge amount of energy in communicating consistently.

    My dynamic with her isn't perfect by any means but having some systems has helped.

    I didn't use to have such overwhelming issues with explaining how I feel until I had very negative relationships, where every way of expression was described to me as "incorrect" and every avenue I had to express myself was no longer an option.

    It creates paralysis. It takes SO much energy trying to find the perfect 1% answer that couldn't possibly be misunderstood or piss anyone off.

    She might be coming out of a similar situation, and learning that expressing herself the way that actually works for her, is actually safe with you, would take time.

    And you would have to actually be consistently safe, e.g. asking questions for clarification as the first resort for misunderstanding, rather than policing how it's said (or assuming ill will by default.)

    Misunderstandings with allistics are very very common and being patient (rather than jumping to conclusions) will help over time. And it can take years to build that kind of trust, (if this is even the case here at all.)

    She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.

    This specifically needs extremely direct communication as to when it's okay to initiate, if it's something she should ask for, or if there are times it's not safe to ask or initiate. And a system where she feels safe/comfortable to stop doing that activity without fear of disappointing or hurting you!

    (Vaguely saying "it's okay to stop" is not really a system nor reassuring-- people mean all sorts of things when saying this-- it needs specifics. "We can stop sex, hand holding, or kissing, at any time, for any reason, just pull away when you are ready to be done, and I'll be okay" is better. "You can check in with nonverbal signals whenever you are unsure of how I feel, or signal when you starting to tap out" can be very solid for not being so fearful of overwhelm.)

    Many of my previous relationships were painful because I couldn't reliably pull back consent, partially because they were shitty but also because I'd become nonverbal or didn't feel safe. And I didn't take my own discomfort as a "no" until it was unbearable-- being trained to mask unfortunately trains us to ignore our own body signals-- it should be clear she can absolutely stop before that point.

    Not all of this is specifically always tied directly to autism per se, but maybe it's a place to start in trying to lend her more social battery. Navigating difficult conversations like these every single time they come up, rather than having a systems protocol for it, drains real fast!

    • Jumping off of what you said: I feel a lot more comfortable when people are very clear and direct about expectations. I hate the feeling that I might be doing something wrong but I'm unsure.

  • When she is shutting down don't see it as a rejection, see it more as an involuntary shut down due to system overload. She doesn't want to be alone because of you being annoying or bad, she needs to be alone because she is overloaded.

    The solution? Support her. She needs to be alone, OK, how can you help her do that more effectively? Can you help her predict that need and take the break before it becomes a shutdown? It will take less times to recover if she doesn't go all the way to full shutdown before stopping.

    If you can predict you will see the causes and over time you can potentially support her in making more informed choices about what she does. Maybe there is a group of people she should keep her activities with time limited, like 2 hours max or something, so she can enjoy their company without burning out. Pointing out what you have noticed without any pushing or judgement can be helpful, but be mindful of how you communicate. It would be very easy for her to feel restricted or pushed by these observations, so communicate clearly that you have noticed something not that she should or should not do something.

    Also, a clear communication strategy for what she needs is useful. The same question set every time, a small selection of options, all presented the same way. For example, "Do you need quiet time? Do you want me to be here? Do you need me not to talk?" That sort of question set allows her to have you there, calm, silent, and stable without having to figure out that is what she needs at a time she has no resources to figure things out with.

  • Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process... the only answer she comes to is IDK.

    Open-ended questions can be hard. Perhaps you can ask a series of simpler questions, such as "are you feeling good/bad/neutral/idk?" with follow ups for emotions like happy, sad, excited (can be good/bad/neutral), tired, etc. If you're asking to gauge her response to something, consider asking something like "is this a good/bad/neutral/idk thing" and digging deeper into what aspects are good/bad; then you can ask about concrete plans like "should we seek/avoid that?" or "should I stop/continue that?" and elaborate further on how you should try to achieve those.

    Of course, there is a risk of overwhelming her with questions, so you should probably monitor for symptoms and behaviors that indicate she's getting more overwhelmed, or even just ask.

26 comments