Skip Navigation
Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
canadianchik @lemm.ee

how can I stop spiralling about my breakup?

I know I keep posting over and over but I’m in so much pain and I have no one or nowhere to go to when I am sad. I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?” “Why am I so easy to be given up on?” “Was I even special to him?” … I cannot stop crying. I feel hopeless right now. When we stopped talking for a couple days and I reached out for closure, he said not speaking for those three days makes him realize he should’ve been more appreciative of me and how hard I tried and all those things. But if he was saying those things then why not turn it around? 😔I sound like a hopeless romantic but I can’t wrap my head around anything anymore… the closure somehow made it worse I guess. I told him I forgive him for anything he thinks he did wrong. He appreciated that. I miss him so much. I miss our memories, I miss his face. Something deep down inside of me feels like I’m going to see his face again but I know that’s false reality. We never even got to talk to each other about these things in person. I just want to cry in his arms.

99 comments

  • I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can't look into someone's head and you might never get a definitive answer as to "why" and "how" and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.

    Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.

  • The real answer here is "time". You're grieving a loss, and it takes time for your mind to process that. It mostly isn't a voluntary process, so the question isn't only "how do I stop spiraling," but also "how do I get myself through the time it takes to recover." A few suggestions:

    1. Sleep. As much as you can until you enjoy your time awake again. Time you spend asleep is time spent letting your subconscious sort out a changed situation. It's time spent healing.
    2. Fast. Fasting releases endorphins starting about day 3. A healthy adult can safely keep up a clear liquids fast for up to 30 days without medical supervision. Don't do this with just water - clear liquids (see-through juices and broths) will keep up your hydration and important nutrients. The hunger basically goes away after day 3. The endorphins help make the time bearable, and help show joy is still possible.
    3. Meditate. This will be a hard one, because for best results I'm not going to suggest guided meditation, but rather a mindfulness meditation practice. You can do this on your own, but a meditation group can help you get past some of the misconceptions most Westerners have about meditation (the goal is not to stop thoughts from coming up, realizing you've become distracted is success rather than a failure, etc.) If you're in college, there's very likely a group on campus that holds sessions at least weekly. If not, look for a Buddhist temple or Shambhala center in your area. Hindu Dhyana and Vipassana are similar. The group will probably meet weekly, but ideally you would make this a daily practice on your own.
    4. Distract. Whatever takes your attention off the pain is a good thing, even if it isn't as enjoyable right now as it normally is. Reading, TV, video games, volunteer work, hobbies, learning a new skill. As long as it keeps your attention on something other than the grief.
    5. Therapy. Again, if your in college, there may be short-term counseling available at no cost. In addition to a non-judgemental space to process out loud, many short-term therapy modalities offer tools for handling grief, sadness, and interrupting thought loops.

  • It feels awful to have someone completely change what they want out of life from under you. Know that he's probably been trending that way for a while, and it just took a while for him to bring it to words.

    You're going to get angry with him soon, but what you're feeling right now is normal. You're dealing with grief, and there's stages. They're going to take months-years to work through. That's how this shit works.

    There's no substitute for time.

    Take how long you were together and roughly 1/3rd of that is your recovery time before you're going to have this as a distant, faded, annoying memory of a time before you were stronger and a more capable partner.

    If you let yourself, you can use this as an opportunity to get stronger. I know it feels like the two of you were perfect for each other, and that you'll never find someone as special as him again, in all the ways that matter to you; and you're right, you won't, because you'll find someone that will be even more special and will really get you.

    You just have to hang in there and give this some time to work through. Don't go rushing into another relationship imo, I've done that and it feels great in the moment, but all it does is delay your healing from this relationship even more. It will make your next breakup even worse, and then you're trapped in a cycle.

    Take some time for yourself, give yourself a minimum of 6 months before you think about or start dating again. Nobody is emotionally ready for that out of the gate unless they're sociopaths.

    You'll know when it's time. It'll feel right. I promise.

    Until then, hang in there, and best of luck on the anger phase of this, that was a rough one for me and lasted longer than I care to admit before I learned to let it go.

    • I feel angry a bit now. I cried so much yesterday when I was out for my walk but now anger is here. Obviously I’m sad too but part of me is so mad that I spent 6 months now for something to not work or to be given up on so easily. It’s so upsetting. I hate that I did it but I reread me and his messages and seeing how much I tried to make things work, for two months, be trying to fix our relationship…pathetic. I got nothing bad. At one point he was just telling me that he felt like he was always telling me how special and beautiful I am and that I didn’t let it go through. What the fuck? But a few days ago he said he should’ve been more appreciative. He’s saying these now because he realizes now when we aren’t talking that I tried so hard and he didn’t care as much as I did.

      That’s the part that hurts. The hardest pill to swallow for me is that. I have only known him since the end of November but I swear it feels like I’ve known him for years. This hurts me so much because I rarely feel like this with people. This urge inside me to text him is crazy. I hate that me and him didn’t talk about it in purpose, it makes my blood boil a little bit.

      • Hang in there. Keep giving it more time, this is good progress you're making already on figuring your emotions and feelings out.

        Ignore anyone telling you you're "young" or whatever. Heartbreak is heartbreak, there's no winning or losing, it all just sucks.

        Your heartache is just as valid as someone who's been together for 50 years.

        This is how we learn, unfortunately. This is an important milestone in a lot of people's relationships, and those who aren't going through what you're going through aren't better, they're just going to have a sharper learning curve later in life when/if they do get a bad breakup. They won't know how to process it.

        Think of this like a vaccine. The earlier in life you can work through this, the better prepared you'll be for future relationships.

        You'll also be able to use this experience to help others, like your friends, when they're in a similar situation. Try and remember what it feels like and how miserable you feel, and don't become detached or lofty when you see others suffering like you are now. Remember how much it hurt, and understand that's what they're going through as well.

        Regarding the guy: Don't reconnect, don't get back, block, etc. This is a situation where you could easily rubber band back and forth, and I've been there too. It's beyond miserable. It's a relationship that's neither enjoyable, fulfilling, or downright awful, but somewhere in between. And it'll last forever if you let it. Don't fall into that trap just because you want to feel good and reconnect and take the easy way out of this suffering. I promise, it won't last, and then the next time around will be worse, and you'll end up gaslighting each other, hating each other, but both being too afraid and unable to escape the toxicity.

  • I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people.

    this may be part of your problem. Bottling things up like this is super destructive and it's going to overflow. You can get these feelings out of you without necessarily directing them at people. Write a letter... Go for a walk and talk to yourself.... find some healthy distraction to help you deal with the feelings.

    That might help somewhat. But this kind of stuff can't be avoided, it just gets easier with time unless it's not dealt with.

  • Song written from a dude's point of view, but I think it's equally applicable:

    Chris Smither - Winsome Smile:

    https://youtu.be/CuMpm6g5xIQ

    "Stop thinking now
    Quit second-guessing all your failed relations
    With your would've, could've, should've, maybe might-have-been
    I'll show you how
    Send your feelings out for lubrication
    Lose these blues and screw your head on tight again
    She cut you bad, your heart is just a scar
    But if you could just get mad, you'd be better off by far
    What you want is taken
    What you need is better circulation
    Work that heavy heart and get it light again

    Listen to me now
    You suffer from a sad mis-apprehension
    That if she could read your mind she'd see just how it ought to be
    But she's read it all by now
    And your style don't get a grip on her attention
    She ain't in your state of mind and she don't want to be
    You think if she'd just talk, you could explain it all
    She'd be polite, but all night she's been hoping you won't call
    She'll say it's all her fault, she'll always be your friend
    Plus loads of shit too dumb to mention
    I've been that road and it's paved with good intentions

    Well it's hard to believe
    But I'm telling you your heart would soon recover
    But you don't want it to, you love this aching agony
    'Cause it's noble, and it's true
    You won't forsake this pain for other lovers
    Happiness would fill your mind with misery
    Time will wound all heels, and it ain't pretty
    With any luck at all, she'll find some dope that you can pity
    Your loss is measured in illusions
    And your gain is all in bittersweet intelligence
    And your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence
    Your winsome smile
    Your winsome smile will lose some of its innocence"

  • It's going to suck. There's no getting away from the fact it's going to suck. You are going to have a lot of pain ahead, and so is he. You're going to see people who know you both, and need to choose between which of you they're seeing, you'll drift away from some people who he was closer to, and he'll drift away from people you were closer to. Eventually you'll date someone else and he will too. You'll have photos, trinkets and many other things that are bound to him as memories. You likely will never get closure, and just have to let the pain fade.

    When I reflect on memories, I often feel that the good ones change how they feel to think about after six weeks; they start to feel that they happened to someone else, a very long time ago. Maybe this is how memories feel when they change from short term to long term, I have no idea. The bad memories take longer, it's different for each one. You are in mourning, in a manner of speaking, and that's okay to acknowledge. Give yourself a time to mourn, to leave those items up that make you think of him. Get rid of the photos now, put the digital ones in a folder to be forgotten, change your lock screen, if it's him, to something you love, a friend, pet, parent etc. Let yourself otherwise have a mourning period and let yourself feel the emotions. Set a date, perhaps a month from today, or a month from the breakup. On this day, clear away those little trinkets you bought together. If they're valuable or you'll miss them for another reason, don't bin them. Don't go overboard, just because that dress was his favourite, or he bought your favourite book or whatever doesn't make it his, it's yours. But some things will only bring pain to dwell on.

    A poet, Richard Silken once said "Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story." You are going through something that is nearly a universal pain that every adult faces. Mourning, without closure, about someone who is still out there, who you may see at parties, in the street or with your shared friends. This is a pain we all have experienced, that colours so much of our happy memories with pain and despair. There are people I wish I could hold when they cry who I'll never speak to again, and there's people I wish could hold me who I'll never see too. They may hate me more than the last time I saw them or have forgiven me and wish things went differently, but they definitely have not forgotten me, as I haven't them.

    These memories need to fade into that back part of your mind, and that takes time, and every memory that reignites that pain, perhaps the better word is trauma, will delay it. But eventually those memories together will feel like they're not wrapped in the same emotion, but the memory of emotion. Until that point comes, it's okay to let the feelings in, to mourn.

    I hope you read every comment, even the worse ones about finding someone else quickly, to rebound. That is a tool to move these memories into a more distant part of your mind faster, but you won't get to process them. You may never get closure but you'll get even less if you don't let the emotions in. Turn to positive distractions, do exciting things, do things with friends and family. Reach out to those friends you've seen less because you made so much time for him, they will be happy to have you back. Don't mask the pain with drugs, weed or alcohol; nothing good comes of that. I had to avoid drinking when I had similar experiences. Seek process therapy, it's not always too cheap, but this is a terrible pain that deserves professional check in, being young doesn't make it easier, and most of us can empathize with the pain, and know not much is worse. Let yourself spiral today, this week, this month, but don't make decisions that close you off from the world. Don't stop seeing friends and family, do more activities, take up a hobby like the gym that you didn't find time for when your hobby was time with him. Make your guiding light who you want to be next month, next year. You don't have to be them now.

    In a few months, this pain will be sadness, and nothing more. Let it in now but prepare for that day. Forgive yourself, you're going to be okay.

  • Ripping off the band aid is hard, but this is just the start of the new section of your life that'll be better than the last. Embrace the unknown and seek that better relationship, one where there's no fear or anything. Maybe just improve and change yourself to be the person you want to become. The future is yours, and it can be quite exciting 😏

    You got this, just gotta break the film loop playing over and over in your head.

  • You’re gunna be sad, and that makes sense. I mean, why wouldn’t you be? You’ll have moments of being mad at them, too, and that’s ok as long you don’t act out on those feelings.

    It’s important to keep yourself occupied, not to distract from the pain but keep yourself moving forward and remind yourself that you are your own person and have value outside of the relationship, alone or with friends or however, you are still a person and not just their ex. You’ll be sad a lot, and some days forward will feel like backwards, but you’ll get there in time.

    I wrote a journal, just on my phone, for a year. It’s amazing how much you’re expecting to write about how bad your day had gone but by the time you get writing you’ve had time to be outside of the big feelings for a bit and most days are, even if not great, better than you’d thought.

    If you can get access to a therapist, and even if all you do is talk at them, that can be awesome for getting things off your chest, too. It can help you set these feelings down for even an hour and get used to that lightness. Therapy doesn’t have to give you answers, sometimes all it needs to do is give you relief enough to find them on your own.

    And lastly, it’s ok to miss them. You aren’t spiralling when you miss them, you’re thinking about good things and you shouldn’t force yourself away from those thoughts. Give yourself time to recalibrate and get used to the fact that you’ll always have good memories, and in time they will weigh less and not hit as hard.

  • Exist in and feel those emotions, and then let them go as much as you can. As others have said, time will heal this wound. Don't run into the arms of someone else or try to numb this pain; it's important you feel it. Rushing into another relationship will only bury this pain by putting you in an unhealthy situation; numbing it will only lead to bad decisions and possible substance abuse. Let yourself feel this way, as horrible as it feels, and understand that it won't be forever.

    You will be okay, and to be honest you will probably be more than okay. In a period that seems impossibly long now but laughably short at the end of this, you will become a better, stronger, and healthier person with a greater capacity to love and the wisdom of who better to give that love to. It is difficult, but you will survive. And then you will thrive. Love yourself and ride this out. You got this.

99 comments