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Lemmy Shitpost @lemmy.world

Stamets @lemmy.world

1d ago

"And my dick fucks your wife more than you do. What's your point?"

259 comments

The classic "OK boomer" still gets them angry, if that's what you're after
- This is right, where every other comment in this thread is wrong.
  Don't take the bait.
  Even just a flat OK is better than taking the bait. Honestly, silence is better.
  Do you care? Then you are poor and mad.
  
  Ah unimpressed ok is probably the best response.
  
  Pretty sure no one is replying seriously.
  
  Well "ok boomer" is just replying with another rage bait
  
  Idk man the Godzilla watch in the other comment got hands.
- What if they're 25?
  
  Then you just give them a hug and tell them everything will be ok.
  
  Uuuh.. ok?... Weirdo...
  
  Then OK boomer is even better.
- LMFAO

"Interesting, may I see?" And when they hold their wrist up to you, inspect it closely, then lick it, make some faces like a wine connoisseur, shake your head and say :"It's fake" turn around and disengage.

"I don't have a car"
- A power move when you know they know you have a car and it's literally parked right outside
- Or maybe double down: "I live in my car."

Heh, amateur hour. Let me show you my watch.
- The 3rd feature really convinced me
- Godzila is more likely to keep accurate time.

"Ok?"
- Ok; good for you?

Serious answer:
That's cool. What makes it special?
Sometimes people talk about how expensive something they own is simply because they're proud that they could afford it and even when they're being tone-deaf, there's no benefit to getting offended when you could just move the conversation along instead. (Although you might have to listen to them talk about watches.) If they were trying to brag, now they're stuck trying to explain why the watch is actually worth what they paid and you're the one judging them.
Cars (and watches) aren't so expensive that a middle-class person can't plausibly already own the one he would buy even if money was unlimited. You can act like that's true about you. My status-conscious former mother in law was bothered by the fact that I owned an old car, but when she would bring it up I would just say "I really like the 2008 model." She couldn't argue with that.
- I feel special when my 6 year old laptop runs circles around your new shit because I know how to maintain it and don't install every fucking app I find.
  
  & also you probably know to spec it appropriately; most slow laptops I see have 8 gigs ram.
- That’s cool. What makes it special?
  Nice one. If it's only a status thing he'll scrabble to find something to say about it other than it's price. And on the very very low chance that it's not, he'll have an excuse to explain. Who knows, he might be a watch nerd who's really proud that he could afford that watch because it's a special watch to watch nerds for watch related reasons and he'll tell you all about it.

"Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"
- "What's the difference? You're their all-time bestseller!"
  
  "Oh yeah?! Well... I slept with your wife!"

If you need to point out the watch and explain its value, you've already lost.

Sounds like you got ripped off
- Nooo bro it increases in value bro I'm investing in watches bro
  
  But it's gone up $200 since I bought it in 2014!

All these comments are trying too hard. The only two options are "OK?" and "that watch?"
Verbose disses only work in rap
- Alternatively, "And it's a very nice watch." Bonus points for riding the line between nonchalance and condescension while still being a compliment.
- Aahhhh winner:
  "that watch?"
  You are awesome. Now the ball is on their side and covered in two layers of diarrhea
- Or a Guy Richie film.
  "Bleedin 'ell. You've bin 'ad mate. Blonde Tony was selling those daan the Nags 'ed last week for a pony. 5 for a ton."
  
  scratches head with gun
- Ho I have the same one. That the only one you have?

You see this? This is called a "smart phone." Not only will this tell me the time like your watch, but it can also do a bunch of other things. I can look at pictures of raccoons wearing silly hats or I can use it to insult someone on the other side of the planet. It also cost a fraction of what your watch cost. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think it should go and get your money back. It sounds like you've been scammed. As a matter of fact, let me give you my friend's phone number. He's an accountant, and I think he'll be able to help stop you from making stupid purchases in the future.
- Not only will this tell me the time like your watch
  No. A cheap $100 phone is way more reliable than the most expensive Rolex thanks to NTP.
- If you're an astute collector, fine watches are (like art) a solid form of investment.
  
  Prove me wrong: Fine art is a money laundering scheme.
  You get some guy who went to art school to slosh some house paint on a sheet. You then hire a white woman who dresses like Malian royalty to come describe it in contradictory adjectives "It's subtle, yet bold" while her gay sidekick in a turtleneck flamboyantly slaps his face and gasps. Sell $20 worth of cotton and $30 worth of Valspar for $3.247 million, and you've just successfully covered up the sale of 94 more brown women.

"So?"
That's the response you want. Complete andutter boredom. You don't care. Their entire personality is built around a weird little status structure and if you don't buy into their hallucination they lose their everloving minds
- "Ok" is my go-to. It feels dismissive because it is.

Does 0 to 60 in ONE minute! It's garbage.
- You. You’re funny!
- It time travels at one second per second and only forwards.

"that's a lot of money for such an ugly watch."

And it tells the same time as a $5 Casio, but it's heavy and gaudy. I guess money can't buy taste.
- And it tells the same time as a $5 Casio
  Assuming the fancy watch is mechanical, your $5 Casio keeps better time with a quartz chip.
  If it's not mechanical then it's basically the same device with an expensive shell.
  
  Not entirely true. Quartz mechanisms can differ in precision.
  They also can have solar charging, atomic clock sync, bluethooth
  But mostly true for cheap Casio watches and cheaper lines of G-Shock. They keep the time to a very similar precision.
- Hey! My Casio was $21 with free shipping
  
  I think mine was a couple hundred bucks. People mistake it for something fancy, but it's still cheap enough that I don't have to worry about damaging it. Also you can get spare parts for Casios!
- Some Casio watches from the 1980's are reselling for a massive premium. In fact, the red led ones are making a comeback.
  https://www.hamiltonwatch.com/psr
- The $5 Casio is more accurate.

"I don't have the habit of looking at other people's watches. Thanks for pointing it out, I guess, I might have otherwise missed that detail entirely."
(Biz-bro mind cannot comprehend this)

The statement is to set them apart from from you and to display power. So you could go with something like,
"Shit, they still make you buy your uniform when you rich eh. Some things never change."
But more elegantly. Reassert that they are subject to others' power/approval and relate to them to assert that they're no different from you.

“Ok”
- This.

What kind of dumbass would spend that much on a watch?
- What kind of dumbass would spend so little on a watch?

"How fast does it do 0-60?"
- About a minute
  
  So it’s not even accurate? I’m not sure you got a quality timekeeping device for the cost.
- It never gets to 60. For some odd reason it only gets to 59 and then drops back to zero.
- And then throw it.

"People with true value don’t need trinkets to convince others of their worth."
"Not everybody knows how to make the best use of their resources."
"Unless it has a button that stops time, you paid too much."
- All of those likely would make you sound poor and mad to that kinda person. Not sure what you could actually say as a comeback that would work

"Wow, you're really shit at bargaining. They really took you for a ride!"

Look of confusion "Does...does that make you happy?"
-or-
"Was it worth it?"

Why the fuck would I drive a watch ?

You paid that much for a watch that looks like you steal from your grandad?

A classic that always makes people like this angry is the good ole, "Anyways, [Something you are casually going to do today or did yesterday]- " and a hand wave to dismiss the statement.
It infuriates them lol
- Ghosting, I like it!

See this casio watch? Still more accurate than whatever the fuck watch you have
- It even comes with the bonus of extra TSA screening!

"It's not my fault you're stupid"

laughs gently and sighs
"This is a six ounce cup of bath water from a YouTube influencer..."

A shame, such a tasteless choice. If you had as much class as money, you'd have chosen something like a vintage 1960s submariner rather than a frivolous toy available on every high street in the world.

"Nice, but I kinda prefer the newer model from the spring catalogue. The subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark."

“Your watch cost more than £100?”

If only you had learned to tell time.

"It's certainly a nice looking piece of jewelry"

"Didn't ask"
- "Not sure what a watch is"
  Or
  "What's Rolex?

"So, you're both rich and stupid"

I guess it's true, money can't buy taste.
Fun fact: Alec Baldwin's character was invented for the movie to provide exposition. The filmmakers didn't trust movie-going audiences to pick up the information from the three conversations that occur at the beginning of the play.

"I don't get my happiness from material worth."

Man, it is a shame you can't buy class because you could use some.
- They have car money to spend on trinkets, this guy has enough class that it's time to send him against the wall.

“What kinda mileage does it get?”
“Cool, I went to the bar with my friends last night. What did you do?”
“Can you get me some more water?”
- You just completely nerd sniped me, Ive speent the last 10 minutes trying to estimate the mpg of the tip of a minute hand on a wrist watch

get really really enthusiastically interested in the watch. ask for details seem super impressed. massage that wealthy ego to the point of basically a blow job. but then just like keep going. see how long you can keep the topic on that one specific watch. don't ever let him talk about anything that the watch means or about the dynamic he tried to establish.
optionally, loose interest and leave without ever having let anything be said that wasn't about the watch. this is how you weaponize autism against egotists.
- And keep it going whenever you see that person again. "Hey, aren't you that watch guy? Are you wearing the watch today? Where's the watch? Show us your watch!"
  
  perfect, yes 😆
- This is a method that my non-confrontational midwestern mind can work with! Being exceptionally interested and kind to the point that they might realize you’re f-ing with them and don’t actually care at all. Whether or not they realize doesn’t matter because you know.
  Similar to when we say “oh that’s interesting,” but actually mean that we don’t give a crap about what you’re saying but don’t want to be rude to your face.
  
  I can attest it's really funny. I get a sick kind of pleasure from evoking discomfort in people who don't want me to like them. I'm not really good at being nasty to people so it's something I started doing when I learned nasty people don't like it when you're nice to them or unfazed by their vampire antics.
  If you've heard of "mirroring" before, that's my favorite. Mirroring people who don't like you fucks them up in ways I don't think I could with words

Sorry I'm not into bracelets

"I wouldn't want to paint a target on my back like that. Did you hear about Chesterwick's son getting kidnapped while backpacking in Burma?"

"You should have saved up a bit more and bought something less gaudy"

I think the really wealthy old-money people would never say such a thing. Because such a thing just wouldn't occur to them. And if someone said that to them, they'd just kind of smile and nod the same way they would to a toddler. Maybe say "Ah, yes, very good." So that's probably the best response.
But if I were writing a screenplay and had to come up with a one-liner I'd probably go with, "Just goes to show you can't buy class."

"Okay?"
I am not a friend of clever comebacks. People who point these things out are pathetic and people who get triggered by that only slightly less so.

I'd just start laughing and point at them.

"mine was 5 bucks at goodwill, sounds like you got scammed, sorry"

good, maybe you can sell it to buy some human decency then

That's quiet an expensive way to look cheap

"what?"
"I'm sorry I didn't catch that"
"one more time?"
"ok. thanks for letting me know."

"that's so sad"
But realistically probably nothing, someone like that isn't going to care enough about what you think to be affected by what you say.
- If they've gone out of their way to draw attention to it, they clearly do care to some degree, whether they directly express it or not.
  
  There are more reasons to brag and show off than just to seek validation. Their vanity may not be dependent on you.

I have friends.
And I have the same watch, but paid $25 for it on a market in Cambodia.

Yeah, but can your watch drive you to the store ?

"Yes, your fancy jewelry is very pretty. Good job."
Edit: after I stopped laughing, of course.

259 comments