51-year-old man here; would I be a creep if I went out on a date with a 30-year-old woman?
This is my daughter’s idea - blind date set up by her. I’ve been single since my divorce 2 years ago.
Being creepy isn't that simple
Creepy is how you behave, the way you carry yourself and treat other people
An age gap isn't creepy in itself, it can be creepy, but it doesn't have to be
That’s true. I’ve been out of the dating scene since 1993, so I’m a bit out of date to say the least.
I'm in my latter forties, and I find the world of dating to be pretty crazy. In the US, things are even more bizarre
I'm bloody glad that I found a woman mad enough to love me a little while ago!
I wish you all the luck in the world
Hahaha okay so let me bring you up to speed on the modern dating scene:
More than half of young men aren't even trying to get laid anymore because of how fucking preposterous the dating scene is. Let that sink in.
Your prospective date heard one of her friends say "Oh! You should go out with my divorced dad!" and she's actually entertaining this possibility. Why didn't she find a man closer to her own age? What's wrong with her?
What does success even look like here? For her or you?
I'd say an age gap could be creepy in itself in some cases, like 18-30 years old or something in those areas. Not the case here though, at least not in my eyes. And really agree on the creepy comes from behaviour.
I knew a friend who dated 17years older than she is, the mom was pissed and I thought it was a little weird and creepy, a 29 at the time dating someone 46yo is a big range. It's a little creepy, but not like crazy like he's been grooming her.
This is the one thing that's hardly ever mentioned in the whole age gap debate, though I would add that there are constellations that are creepy by default. Being a 35+ old man, I feel that I'm at kind of a landmark age where dating someone 20 years younger than me would be gross, let alone illegal in most jurisdictions, so the 'it depends on your behaviour and intentions' argument doesn't really hold. In contrast, I can very much imagine dating a 55 year old woman - and no, it's not a MILF fetish. So in the end, your intentions/behaviour AND Gender AND actual age gap do matter IMHO.
I can't think of a worse way to frame this discussion. There are significant differences between a 35 yo man dating a 15 yo girl and a 50 yo man dating a 30 yo woman, legality being just part of it. Swapping the genders doesn't make it better.
A thirty year old woman is reasonably an adult. You're not going to be grooming her or anything. The older you get, the less an age difference is really an issue.
I suppose it's about intentions, but as someone who always looked to settle down and find the person to live the rest of my life is, a big agegap can be pretty problematic later in life.
Like the obvious one: your partner dying while you're still just middle aged.
Having to take care of an old person with old person needs as a 55-65 year old.
If they want children in a few years, OP could be 75 by the time the child moves out.
Again, it's all about what the intentions are, but these things are worth considering.
The older you get, the less an age difference is really an issue.
Have you ever heard a 95 yo talking about 80 year olds? ;-)
Well, you're not exactly robbing the cradle, and she's not exactly robbing the grave.
Go for it.
LOL
In this comic xkcd used the equation: half your age + 7 https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dating_pools.png
It's fun to reference but it's not a hard rule. The fact that you are thinking it over means that you are probably in a healthy mindset to at least go on the date and feel it out. You have your daughter batting for you! You got this!
I didn’t see anyone saying this: the question I would pose to myself is less about the age of the date being 30 but more about her age being closer to your daughter’s and them being friends. There is nothing wrong with the age gap itself but how you feel about the situation matters more I’d say.
How do you feel about dating someone who is your daughter’s friend and essentially grew up at the same time as your daughter?
Once you hit 30 the age gap stops being creepy and becomes a personal life choice. If you were 41 and she was 20, that would be a massive red flag. But she isn't a young adult anymore, but presumably someone established in who they are and what they want.
If what she wants is you, congrats!
Or 50 and 29 - eww
Oh yes, without a doubt. What truly matters is equal power dynamics, I'd just generally speaking saying most 30s have a few relationships under their belt, know who they are and what they want.
But even that can go yuck sooooo quick. Like with a 30 and 80 year old, clearly one side has a fetish or finicals the other has.
Two consenting adults on a date? Definitely creepy!
I'd like to think a 30 year old is capable of making an informed decision
No
Humans do seem rather lacking in the ability in general so you have to grade their decisions on a curve
I don’t think that two adults dating with the sole intention of finding a connection and enjoying each other’s company is creepy regardless of the age difference.
Past 30, age is less about biology and more sociology.
I'm a 49 year old male. But I'm divorced, no kids. Still living a bachelor life quite happily while most guys close to my age are married with the kids and coaching soccer on weekends in a minivan. As a result, my friend group almost exclusively skews younger because those are the people who are in the same stage of life as I am (regardless of biological age).
The same works for relationships. Past a certain point it doesn't matter how old you are, as long as your sociological age is compatible. (Ie. Your way of life)
Edited to Add: The rule we always learned in highschool when we were stupid kids with nothing better to do is "half your age plus 7"
51 divided by 2 = 25.5 + 7 = 32.5.
So by highschool rules, you're just a little bit outside the lines, but close enough that if you're both attractive most people will ignore it.
the same stage of life as I am
I would say they are living the same type of life as you, not the same stage. Life doesn't have stages once you're an adult. There are just common activities, and nothing more.
Life definitely can have stages once you're an adult. Relationships (married/divorced/remarried), family (babies/kids/teenagers/adults), work (entry level/senior/management/retirement). Think about if you're on the other side of a big party than the other person; then you're probably on different life stages. Not all of them are weird to date between, but most of them are weird to date across big differences.
I wouldn't find it creepy, though I probably wouldn't mask my surprise well if I heard about it. My parents are 18 years apart. There are some social differences but at some point, they must have liked each other enough. They also have differing interests. They're free to do their own thing (my dad stays home my mom travels the world). But, they're not a great match anymore (I have to believe they used to be). All of this has combined into a strenuous situation where my mom is planning for her retirement freedom while my dad is probably headed to some kind of assisted living because she's not going to stay home as a servant. I hate to be a downer about a relationship that hasn't even started, but I think it's important to consider this aspect before things get serious
My wife is 16 years my senior and when we first started courting a few people didn't like the idea. We have been happily married for 25 year this August.
Ignore what randos on the web say - the opinions of only two people matter. You and her. Good luck; however it works out.
Like others point out, the age gap isn't necessarily creepy. I would say it has more to do with intentions and behaviors. Are you going on the date primarily because she's so much younger, or are you looking to find a genuine human connection?
The thing that would be on my mind with an age gap like that is whether myself and her would be in the same places in life. If the desire is to start a relationship of some sort - would our goals and motivations be aligned? It's definitely possible, but there's a risk that there's a disconnect. There always is, but an age gap can make that more clear.
I say go on the date and see where it goes. It could be fun!
The big issues with age gaps is mostly down to protective probability. By 30 most folks are experienced enough at life to make up their own mind.
Hope it goes well for you both!
One thing that would make a creep a creep is a power imbalance of some sort. For this to exist if we're only considering the age gap between adults, is if one adult is so young they're being taken advantage of.
A 20 year age gap where the younger is early 20's is creepy, because the younger's lack of experience makes them vulnerable. A 20 year age gap where the younger is in their 30's or beyond isn't, because the younger likely has the maturity to avoid being taken advantage of.
Are there any other factors that would make this creepy, like you have influence over this person's career? If not, then no worries! Enjoy dating.
I've heard this argument before, and I don't think it parses. After all, we have power imbalances in relationships all the time. Men are typically stronger than women and can physically overpower them - are all heterosexual relationships therefore creepy? Should people only date others of similar levels of physical strength?
Suppose one person is a high earning investment banker, while the other gives schoolchildren piano lessons. Surely this makes a financial power imbalance? Should these two dating be frowned upon?
Maybe one partner is a highly intelligent physicist who works at the large hadron collider, while the other is, by all accounts including their own, kind of dumb. Is a power imbalance in intelligence creepy? But wait! What if the "dumb" partner is bad at academic thinking, but is brilliant at connecting with people, while our physicist has a touch of the 'tism and is shy and awkward - would this constitute a "creepy" power imbalance in social/emotional power?
Are stay at home moms all in "creepy" relationships because their partners control their finances?
Also, nevermind the fact that huge amounts of kink is based around power imbalances - being physically overpowered, being punished, being humiliated, being subservient, etc. It's fucking hot. Power imbalances are for many a fundamental part of their attraction.
And even specifically with the age gaps, and age gaps involving young adults in particular - I have talked to so many young adults who adamantly defend age gap relationships. And after all, why shouldn't they? They are adults. They want to date who they want, and they don't want society judging their relationships as creepy, or judging their potential partners. Say a 19 year old guy has a thing for older women. So he goes to a bar, sees a smokin hot 35 year old, and goes to flirt with her. She thinks he's cute and flirts back. They go to bed together and have a lovely time. How is that creepy? It's not. It's just two people having a good time together.
There's only one person whose opinion on that matters, and she's aged 30. And maybe your daughter too, but she set it up so that's unlikely.
You can always find a bunch of weirdos on the internet who'll be offended at you, no matter who you are or what you do, so it's never a good idea to not do stuff just because of that.
If you're worried if you ARE a creep then I'd suggest plugging "what it means to be a creep" or "what is a creep" into your favourite search engine and make sure your regular habits exclude whatever you find. Use several sources, not just the first you find, because not everything on the internet is true.
Creepy? No, probably not, but it does present some potential problems: You probably don't have a whole lot of things in common at this point. You might not be particularly compatible with regard to your friend groups or your desires for your future. You are in a situation where it's going to be difficult to get on the same level. These are not insurmountable obstacles, but they are potential obstacles.
That said, if you and she are both okay with it—and your daughter, who is clearly someone whose opinion you care about—then have a great time! Don't have high expectations, but enjoy yourself and see what happens.
No. You are both adults. Stop analyzing it.
Past 30 age is meaningless as long as both sides are happy.
Would a 80 yo with a 30 yo be weird? Yeah, would it be wrong? No.
50 and 30 is unusual but definitely okay.
It’s not creepy. But I could not imagine dating someone who is close in age to my adult children. It’s weird.
I would personally be squicked out by that age gap because she's young enough to be your kid. But I'm not you or her, it's not my business, right? If your daughter thinks she'll be good for you, the reverse matchmaking is funny, why not at least meet and see how you feel?
Half your age +7 is the formula. Anything within that is fine. Of course, that's a guideline, not a law. Or let me put it like this, do you believe a woman of 30 to be capable of making her own choices? If so, go on the date and see if there's anything there. If not, slap yourself and rethink your answer.
Nah. Age gaps only matter when one party is not yet an adult and free to make their own choices.
A 30 year old? If they're not capable of deciding who to date on their own, then their conservator should say no before someone tries to set them up on a blind date.
Just make sure this lady knows there's an age gap so she can make an informed decision. And be aware that while age gaps don't matter in terms of who can and should date whom, doesn't mean there aren't extra issues that might result in incompatibilities. Those incompatibilities aren't a sure thing either, though.
(50/2)+7 is 32 my guy
That’s for younger adults. What matters is if you see each other as equals when you are older
I think after the younger partner reaches age 30 the rule doesn’t matter anymore.
If a 30 year old decides to get together with an 80 year old then nobody should be shaming either of them. If they’re both mature, consenting adults then we should celebrate their happiness. Of course if one or the other is unable to consent by reason of cognitive disability then that’s a different story altogether (and would be a problem even if their ages were very close).
Nope. Even at 30 though, there will be a generational gap between the two of you. That's 21 years, and a full adult lifetime of experience.
With that said, some women are extremely mature and if your daughter thinks it's a good idea, there's probably no harm in trying it out. She's probably worried about you and wants to see you happy, and this is her way of solving that problem.
Take her up on her offer and have a good time on your date. Spend some time getting to know her like you would anyone on a date. Again, understand that even though you're both fully grown adults, there's going to still be a lot that you're not going to connect with each other on.
For example, Pokemon. You're not going to give a shit about Pokemon, but she grew up in the hayday of it and Harry Potter and a lot of other generational things that you're either going to need to get on board with so you can have a connection with her or it will create a rift between you eventually.
Hey, why are you hating on us old guys, I enjoyed Pokemon...and its precursor Ingress.
Its more about each human is unique.
Our neighbour sometimes hangs out with us, we are mid 50, they are 30. We are younger minded and they are older than their age, like they go home and knit etc.
Age is just a number. Who cares.
FBI. OPEN UP.
Only kinda. You're potentially at VERY different life stages. She might be at the "I want kids and to start a family" stage. You're in the "well at least I have one good knee still" phase.
So it might work, but unless you can change diapers and carry toddlers, it might not.
Fuck, I'm in my 20s and in the "well at least I have one good knee still" phase.
30yo kind of have their lives together.
Have a coffee. Just chat like people. Expand your network. The worse that can happen is you shut it down.
From my own perspective, there will be a generational gap. I'm 40, and I can connect with someone around that age. But lower than 30 or older than 45, the connection is platonic.
i'm not ageist as long as everyone is an adult
You'd have to be a fool to not atleast give it a try. Besides, it's "uh" date. You're not committing to anything beyond a cup of coffee and a graceful retreat at worst, to at best, a fun night running around town with a new younger friend with whom you get along. Get in there, homie!
There is the concept of a rolling age gap. As perspective partners get older, the age gap grows.
Example. A 16 and 17 year old? Nobody blinks. 16 and 18? You have eyes in yah. 16 to 19, likely to get icked. 17 to 19? You have eyes in your. 18 to 20? Nobody cares. 18 to 21?
Like a 25yr old and a 30 yr old? See what I mean? The further you get from 18, the wider the acceptable gap of ages is.
Age divided by two plus seven scales well.
I'm around your age and whilst I have friends who are around your blind dates age, I would never consider a romantic relationship with someone that age. Its not the number of years so much as the generational thing. I have kids older than that and that's where it goes into weird territory.
Everyone's different and you do you etc but I'd ask your daughter at the very least to inform the other half of this date how old her date is going to be.
The woman knows how old/who I am. She’s one of my daughter’s (27) friends.
A rule of thumb for weirdness in age difference is age/2+7, leaving you at 51/2+7=32,5. So going by that, 30 is a bit on the young side, which is obvious also from the fact that you felt the need to create this thread.
If one person would be in a position to judge you for it (or rightfully feel weird about it) it's your daughter. It's safe to say she seems cool with it, so whatever.
Oh man, up until this comment, I followed along the whole time like “nope, nothing weird here at all.” You’re both adults and get lonely or bored from time to time. Hang out and see if maybe each other’s company helps with that. Not creepy at all.
But the thought of your daughter hanging out with her friend and all of a sudden saying “hey, you know what? You should date my dad! I’ll set you guys up”
…it’s just wildly unexpected for some reason 😂
Like, I don’t care who my mom dates but I am NOT gonna try and hook her up with one of my friends
I think that is where it feels iffy to me, personally. Also, like, since you are asking this, there is a feeling of there being a power imbalance from you already so I would avoid it.
Don't go off what people say on here. Men on here are particularly weird and misogynistic - and I say this living somewhere where I frequently get catcalled within 30 secs of stepping through the door.
Reminds me how Hank's dad in King of the Hill remarried one of Hank's kindergarten classmates.
Also why Roger Moore quit being Bond. "They kept hiring women to play opposite me young enough to be my granddaughter. Frankly, it was disgusting."
That said, you're both adults. As long as it doesn't feel awkward or controlly to either of you, give it a shot.
Nope
If it gets serious, make sure she knows you'll be dying probably 30 years ahead of her.
The old adage I learned is half your age + 7.
51/2 25.5+7 32.5
Seems you would be good aiming a little low! However, no harm in meeting someone new!
But 30? Edit: I'm just questioning the math, not the policy.
Nah you're right. 30 might be too young!
That's more of a guideline tho, like the pirate code.
Go get her tiger
Nah. Live your life to the fullest.
Friend recently asked me something similar as he's finalizing a divorce and has started dating again, though he's a bit younger than you (and the girl is a bit younger than your example).
I forget exact ages but the half your age plus 7 rule was met. Say 42 and 29?
She worked in our industry and specifically the same role he did, but at a more junior level I have to assume.
Distilled down a but I essentially said if they like each other and they are together because of that, then it's fine. They are both adults and can have fun together as much as they want. They need to keep that balance though. If it becomes a mentorship kind of situation then they probably both need to take a step back and reflect on what that means.
Not a problem but highly unlikely it will last. You're both at completely different points in your lives.
I say if you're going into the date with a level head you're good.
don't sweat it. you're both adults with life experience that is both greater than and equal to.
enjoy the date and be sure to be respectful and treat them as an equal. you can figure out who they are along the way 😉
No, you do you
No. Enjoy.
No , but if you think about too hard you'll be a creep. /s
Two adults dating is not a problem
The rule I always heard was older_age/2+7. In this case, 51 would give you a rough range of 32-88.
30 might be a little weird, but just depends how you guys gel
I had a friend that was dating someone 17years her senior, the mom was not happy , was quite upset about it. She said he's almost as old as she is. Most people will do 5 years at the most. The larger the age gap, the less you have in common of it's more than 10 years
No. Most people don't care about that age gap.
Though, if there's a clear power imbalance in a way thats exploitative (in either direction), that could be a problem.
20 years is worthy of other conversations though. Considerations about genuineness, compatibility, and practicality do arise, but those are all personal and situational.
If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to do it. But, being lonely is super toxic for us and I opine that your daughter's heart is in the right place.
Not creepy. The only issue might be a clash of what you want, if it became a serious relationship, ie she may want to marry if she hasn't before, and you may be averse to it having been divorced. Or she may want children, which you may not if you've already got adult kids etc.
Friend of mine was in a similar situation. One day she said something to him that made him realize he was literally the only person who cared about the age difference.
I think 30 is no problem
Anyone who cares isn't worth your time
