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rabber @lemmy.ca

30M After divorce I got literally zero support from anyone, why?

I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc

I've been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just "get over it". I've lost almost everyone I'm close to because of this and I'm starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it's unfortunately real.

Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.

217 comments

  • Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don't mean the kind of crazy like "everybody has a crazy ex crazy," I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.

    Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said "this ain't living" and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.

    But here's the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you're the one doing the divorcing, you're the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There's this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that's blameless. Nevermind if they're abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!

    But there's a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won't be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn't you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

    I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.

  • I'm three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.

    It, yeah, um... yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People's immediate family and lives all take precedent.

    I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I'm mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.

    People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn't. Pet a cat.

  • If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.

    It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.

    We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.

  • Love to see so much support here in asklemmy. This community is really great.

    I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It is a lot like a death. Obviously not of a person but a dream and perhaps an identity. It's the type of thing that can feel like a personal failure and really leave you feeling hopeless and in despair.

    In the first months I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the feelings will just go away or even lose their potency, and they can be extremely powerful. Perhaps they just become muted more and more as time passes and you fill your life with other people and activities. Hell, to this day (now I'm 45) I still think about her occasionally and wish it could have been a different outcome, but so much of my life since that time never could have occurred had I stuck with her. In other words I've come to learn that while I'm grateful for the good times we had, I'm also grateful that it ended and I too could move on.

    The most important thing you have to do now is find out who you are as a single man - and as a human - by nurturing and taking care of this new found sense of loneliness. Find your new identity. I think you really have to lean into the pain you're feeling and express it deliberately. Let it move and let it get out of you.

    It especially helps to fill your time with activities you love that also nurture you. Maybe that's being outdoors, maybe that's gaming, whatever it is you know it better than anybody.

    We really need healthy people around to support us during this kind of time and it's a shame that the people you thought would be there aren't. Maybe they can still be your buddies but now you know they're not the type to really have your back when the shit hits the fan. But those kind of people are out there and now it's your mission to go figure out where they are.

    • I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. It is a lot like a death.

      I went through a divorce at 31. For me, it was more like a liberation than like a death. My ex felt the same way. We were too young when we first got together and ended up going in very different directions in our lives, though we're still close after all those years. I'm on good terms with most of my exes.

      You're right about how to deal with it. In my case, I walked to a nearby pond with a friend, pronounced the ritual formula "There goes nine years of my fuckin' life" and threw the wedding ring into the pond. Then I went back home, got drunk and boned my friend. She was wonderfully supportive during the whole process.

      After that, I was done with it, except for some paperwork. A quick catharsis, then I got on with my life.

      And yeah, when you go through big changes, you quickly find out who your real friends are. The ones who supported me during that time, and during an earlier period when I was temporarily destitute, are still people I'm close to decades later. I don't miss the others, though I now understand that in many cases, their lack of support was due to their own problems and weaknesses, and not just a betrayal of me. But some of the people who were there for me literally gave me the shirt off their own back. And since then, I've been there for them, too, and have in some cases sent them airline tickets so we could get together again.

  • Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.

    There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?

    I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.

    For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.

    Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you

  • Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.

    Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren't, that sucks but it's not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn't mean you can't meet those diamond people later in life.

    Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the "now". They can't see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I'm closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I'm telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.

    My practical advice is limited. You're going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my "failure" stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn't mean you deserved it. You've got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren't always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You'll get there.

  • They're not friends, they're acquaintances at best.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.

  • I think the devil is in the details...

    I have a couple who were close friends, they separated and initially we tried hard to support him as it seem he would have continued the marriage but she was the one moving away from it. Our thought process at the time was "she has something to look forward to, he seems to feel left behind"

    We did not treat her badly or anything but did basically cater to his every need, providing as much support as we could.

    Then, once the initial shock was over, he started attacking her in every possible way. And on top of that, he started shunning our every invite under the pretext "he didn't want to accidentally run into her" which was complete BS as we did not regularly hung out with her.

    Finally, she was so broke after years of court battles that she opened a go fund me campaign and we donated some money. Well well well, this friend who had all but shunned us suddenly calls me raging that I am helping her and by doing so undermining his righteous effort to take vengeance on her.

    All of this to reiterate that the devil is in the details... were these friends actual friends of yours before the divorce? did you concern yourself with their needs back then? have you been an asshole to them before, during or after the divorce? There is a real chance these were not great people to begin with, but I find it hard to believe that all your true friends decided to just ghost you for no reason whatsoever

  • Because you're a dude? I'm just guessing but that's kinda been my experience: Tough time? Nobody really gives a shit. Man up, tough it out, etc. All that shit. Glad you're getting counseling though, that's some fucked up shit.

  • People who are depressed often are unable to adhere to unwritten cultural social rules.

    People in theory like to see themselves as supportive, but still will not react well to people violating unwritten cultural norms.

    Example:

    "i am so sad, this awful thing happen."

    "Don't worry bro, it will get better, just pump iron and time will heal all. Hey do you want to see a funny video of my dog trying to bark at a roomba?"

    (Awkward silence, breaking social rule of reciprocity) (long pause) "sure..."

    (Video of dog)

    (No laughter or comments, breaking rule that friends are supposed to be fun, react to things)

    Result: next time depressed guy calls, "bro" will be too busy to pick up

    Because people want to think of themselves as reliable and always there and supporting mental health, "bro" will never admit to himself the reason he is doing this, nor will it even be logically articulated. Instead he'll think "i feel bad but im so busy lately" and just not take the call or forget to answer

    This is completely in contrast with someone who is slightly depressed or dealing with something slightly difficult but not actually that depressed and able to adhere to social norms. For that person, they will get tons of superficial sound-bite support in between other normal acceptable activities and conversations. The "supporter" feels like a super hero for caring about mental health, and really it's just two people hanging out, neither of whom really have major mental health issues.

    I would suggest if you are really brutally clinically depressed, do not interact that much with your network until you are feeling a bit better because people are that shallow sometimes. Instead, do things like volunteer at community organizations in which more hands on deck is good, and if you cancel it's not a big deal. (ie making food for homeless people)

    Also the truth is many people are shitty in general. I don't think this is something caused by you. I also think that much of the advice about mental health and depression is about making paychiatrists and mental health professionals look good and people feel good.

    things like "talk about your mental health issues" and "help is available" and "prioritize mental health" all feel like lies that make other people feel better. But what if instead the truth was told? "Prioritize having food and being able to pay rent. Do not talk about your mental health issues ever except to trained professionals. Help is available and horrendously expensive; if you can cry and be sad 6 months and then go back to normal without rip-off doctors and professionals, you are much better off."

    So it's not you at all. People are assholes and the mental health industry gives lucrative self-serving advice to glorify and protect the industry while screwing over people who would be better helped by the truth.

  • Yeah this is what men deal with & guess what you'll be gaslit into thinking that YOU WERE THE PROBLEM all along eventhough evidence suggests otherwise.

  • Hey man. That sounds insanely hard, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it alone without support.

    Just want to say that I've had a similar experience. When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago at 27, I was and still very much am so frustrated, disappointed, and heartbroken by the lack of support around me. My family and friends didn't reach out in any way, acted like nothing was happening, I was dealing with it on my own, without so much as a "how are you doing?".

    I don't have much to offer you, I don't have answers. But I know when I went posting online looking for some, the solidarity of others with similar experiences helped keep me sane.

    I'm a nice, good looking, talented young dude. It's not me, it's not you. At least for me, I happened to grow up in a culture where men don't show feelings or need support. My girlfriend gets more support for dealing with my condition. It frustrates and saddens me beyond belief.

    The small solace I've had is that I've been given the gift of knowledge through this experience. I've dealt with my mortality very young, and have a perspective on life my friends couldn't have yet. There are others that get it, and you'll find them. I lost who I thought were my close friends but gained close friends out of people I rarely thought of as friends at all.

    People suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish. A lot of people do care but you can literally get cancer and they won't break social norms to show it. Don't take time waiting for these people. In my experience, the cancer wasn't the hardest part. It was this part of losing all my friends and family. People don't want to be around hard stuff.

    Good luck, keep yourself grounded. It's not you, it's our broken and fucked up society. Find those that have dealt with these things, and focus on the dumb, small things that make you happy. I'm rooting for you.

    • Speaking from my experience, I get very overwhelmed with empathy when someone close to me is going through something as difficult as an illness, divorce or job loss. I want to be as supportive as possible, but also know that there's usually little to nothing that I can do, and then I get overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness. I will let them know that I'm there for them if they need anything, and I will check in from time to time to see how they are doing, but I always find myself avoiding talking about the 'real issue'.

      I know that I'm included in the 'people suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish' - even knowing that, I have a hard time addressing it. Even when the roles have been reversed, after I lost my job and people stopped reaching out to me, I knew exactly why... I was making them uncomfortable and they just didn't know how to deal with it. And even then, I had no idea what I wanted from them, other than for things to just be as they had been before.

      Even after my own experience, when a close friend of mine lost his job I dreaded talking with him because of the helplessness that I felt at being able to do anything for him, and the reminder that at any moment I could be in his shoes again. It sucks, it's a massive character flaw, and it is even worse that I'm aware of it but so far have been unable to change. I still love my family and friends, I just don't know how to show them that during their times of greatest need.

      • Thanks for that perspective, I really appreciate it actually. What I landed on, and what ultimately helped me move on to the point that I have, is really accepting that people DO care, but just don't have the tools to address it. Which may or may not be their fault, but I don't have time to wait around or, much worse, help and support them to... hopefully one day support me?

        My diagnosis gave me the shift of mind to realize I'd been making space for other people's flaws and thereby sacrificing my needs. So I've left room for them to come back into my life, but am not wasting any energy waiting on support from them.

        If I may offer my point of view on what I've needed in my situation - the bar is through the floor haha. Honestly I just need and want validation. My mom finally came around to acknowledging my situation, but just dumps a bunch of toxic positivity on me, e.g. "Just keep your head up and everything's going to be great! Everyone has problems they deal with, eat right and exercise and everything's fine". My former coworker just responded with recently "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say". And frankly that moved me to tears. I just want someone to say "that sucks, I'm sorry." That can literally be it, just an honest space and acknowledgement. Life is hard, and sometimes it's great. But ignoring and shunning the hard parts makes them harder and more lonely. It makes me feel gaslit constantly.

        Everyone needs different things, but that's been my needs during this time. What I hear over and over is "oh I didn't want to impose or remind you of it." Fam. It's on my mind. All the time. Even when I'm happy, it's not far. I want to talk about it, deal with it and work on it, them move on to the rest of my life. I'm more than my cancer and refusing to acknowledge it makes it my whole identity.

        Anyway, this has been helpful and felt great to talk through. Thanks

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man's suffering. There's something in a man's weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it's not about you.

    That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial "friendships" for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.

    And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that's OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I'm not saying it's your case, it's just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it's not, it's your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There's only so much a friend can do for you. And don't put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.

    And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It's one of the worst pains I ever felt. It's almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It's a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.

    • "nobody cares about a man's suffering" This is simply untrue and I can't take your story seriously after reading this line, it does sound like youve begun to work on some stuff for yourself, but might be some more to go still. I still got shit,

      I've watched nearly every man in my bloodline go down the shitty, self hating, misogynistic, alcoholic poor me sad life cycle my entire life. It saddens me most that a lot of these guys had/have great parts about them but choose not to work out their demons, go to a therapist or take accountability for their own actions.

      It saddens me the most to watch a man go through life feeling alone, ashamed, and unable to talk about how he is feeling. To watch them chose "masculine" coping, ie: drinking beer and whiskey, while making wife bad jokes and watching action movies to drown out the brain noise. I breifly dated a man who told me he didnt like looking in the mirror because he hated himself so much it made him want to punch the mirror, so he just avoided the mirror. He never went to therapy but came home with a six pack of beer everyday from work religiously. It's fucking sad, and I hope that guy is doing better today.

      And to mention, easily a third of the men I have dated/known/or were family, as young boys, were raped. They just stuff it and live with it. No one talks about how often boys are raped by other men, men they are supposed to trust, and they just go on with life internalizing that shit. Its fucked. Dare I say we need a men's me too? Even one guy I dated at one point told me his adopted father had raped him when he was 12, but it only happened once so he forgave it. They acted like a happy family outside of this. My jaw fucking dropped. Then you see the maladaptive habit, he was the type who didn't wash his ass because it could make you gay. Everytime I hear someone making a joke about a man who doesn't wash his ass, I no longer think it's funny. I think he might have been raped as a child. Imo we need larger discourse about it, because the pattern can repeat. Internalized shame is poisen.

      It all feels out of my control so I just try and do what I can for the people close to me. All in all, It's okay to make mistakes, its okay to be wrong, a lot of people, all people, many of them struggle admitting they were wrong. It's also not your fault if you were put in a vulnerable situation. It's not a sign of weakness. A lot of time thats the only ticket to a demon free brain is just accepted its okay to make mistakes and be wrong, and its not your fault if a bad thing happened to you as an actual victim.

      No one cares about men's mental health, that's ridiculous. I was 13 years old giving my 40 year old alcoholic father pep talks on how to manage his emotions for christsake. Lmao I really thought I could help him then. I could not-

      I have always cared, and many other women do too. But no one knows whats going on unless you use your voice. I've watched so many men suffer over the years. It pains me as much as anyone elses suffering, if not more because yall don't build networks for yourself and often it doesn't feel safe for you to express yourselves, and thats tragic.

      I see this rhetoric all the time online and I will fiercely express, I am a woman, and I care. There are others who care too, stop spreading nonsense.

      • Look, I'm glad you took that off your chest. My point still remains and I won't be shamed into silence. And no, it's not your fault or any gender in particular. Hell, it is a problem of toxic masculinity, and both women and men are to blame.

        I'm glad you care and please, keep caring. It does make a difference. Mentalities change one person at a time.

        You talk about men "choosing" unhealthy ways to deal with pain and grief. I'm sorry, but you have no idea what it is to be a man. Your intentions may be good but you can never truly understand how lonely male existence is because you haven't experienced it. Same way I can never truly understand what it is being put down and condescended for being a woman, among other things. I see it, and it troubles me, but I never experienced it. I'm not arrogant to pretend I know how it feels.

        This is my experience being a man. When you fall apart and become vulnerable everybody runs. Repulse is the right word. You can feel the contempt when you show that weakness. Both in men and women. This isn't a men versus women thing. I'm not talking about SO's running away when we're weak. While it does happen, in my experience a SO is one of the few people you can actually show vulnerability. That, family and, if you're lucky, a few close friends. Beyond that, our society simply isn't wired to accept weakness on a man. It's not men's fault, it's not women's fault, it's the culture itself.

        Can it be fixed? I don't know. Either way, I feel frustrated by it and it's my right to voice that frustration.

  • My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.

    This is the reason why. Your ex has managed to control the narrative and has manipulated the social atmosphere to ice you out. Emotional abusers are often very good at this. They mamipulate everyone around them.

    And they are really good at choosing their abuse victims. They know who they can love bomb, who they can isolate, and who will keep their mouth shut.

    I have been there. Watched people I thought were friends just evaporate, choosing their relationship with my ex over me. Realizing they were never my friends, they were "ours", and ij the end they stuck by her, the more openly social and boistrous one.

    It's taken a long time, and many different therapists, but I've come to accept my experiences as abuse, as not my fault, and... sometimes... that I am worthy of love, friendship, and happiness.

    I have found the books The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (available as audio books), as well as videos on toxic shame and attachment by Heidi Prieb, very helpful.

    I know the words feel hollow, because they feel so far the opposite of true, but you are not alone. Many others have been through what you've endured, and have made it out the other side. There are people out there who will, one day, be so very glad to have you in their lives.

    Some day, when you're ready -- and much earlier than I did, I implore you -- you should join some activity groups. Take up a recreational sport, join a gaming group, take group acting lessons, join a choir... anything that is a) casual and b) a group activity. Bonus points if it's something you always enjoyed, buy your ex tried to excise from your life. This will help you rebuild your social network, and let you reconnect with yourself.

    Physical activity and a healthy diet is also important here. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it actively helps fight all of your worst psychic injuries. Not only is it physiologically good for you, it's psychologicallly good for you. You know that it's good for you; your brain knows it. Doing healthy things means choosing to care about yourself. You need to actively choose yourself at every step of the way. It trains your mind to see yourself as worthy of care.

    Oh, and ritually burn things that were hers, or that were shared and tied to your relationship. You don't need them. You don't need her. You're going to be better off without her.

  • What is your routine like? Do you go to work? Volunteer? Have hobbies?

    I ask this because going through a breakup — any breakup — involves a grieving process. Part of grieving is about moving on. A big part of doing that is finding new things to do, new people to talk to, and new things to talk about.

    Counseling is good, but talking to other friends and family about her can make it very difficult. If you meet someone new — doesn’t have to be romantic, can be any gender, can just be a friend — can give you a person to talk to and topics to discuss that involve you and your interests and have nothing to do with her.

    When you’re in a relationship for a long time a lot of your thoughts and even the objects around you in life get tangled up in that so that when she’s gone these things still remind you of her. What you need is to be selfish — grieving is a selfish process — because you need to reorient your mindset around yourself and taking care of yourself.

    Lastly, I think it’s also helpful to have a third space where you can focus on stuff completely outside yourself and all that. For me it’s been volunteering as a tutor for high school kids. It gives me a time and a space each week to forget about everything and focus on something else. Helping kids and seeing them learn is a nice bonus for that. That may not be your cup of tea though, but something else may be! If you aren’t already into volunteering I’d encourage you to look into some volunteer organizations near you and try to find one that fits your interests.

  • What you're going through right now is the process of discovering the phone numbers you can stop answering. The flat tires you can stop changing, the computers you can stop fixing, the lunches you can stop lending, the favors you can stop doing.

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