Let's play this game again

I'm gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
"I ___, but only when I'm hard."
- am the world's greatest kindergarten teacher
- Can revive the dead
  
  "I'm gonna explain everything later, just don't interfere."
- save kittens from trees
  
  That sounds nice. The newspapers will call me a hard hero.
- Can reproduce
  
  Makes sense
- You can give moving public speeches
- become immensely popular as a male role model
- You can captivate the attention of any child. You're a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children's birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.
  Except, there's just one small problem...
  
  I'm Mr beast?
  
  They could make a killing off making videos on YouTube or something like Khan Academy. Just never show him from below the waist.....
- Your super power is that you can transform into an afab woman, once.
- Pee.
- can erupt the world's most satisfying fart

Shapeshifting
- It hurts extremely because your whole body is physically altered.
  
  Worth it.
  
  There’s a whole fetish community that’s SOOOOO into this idea
  RIP Scoot D:
- You shift by magically turning yourself inside out ass first
  
  Disgusting and likely painful, would have to be done somewhere private
  
  From beneath you, it devours
- Your brain shape shifts as well into an exact copy of the animal you mimic. You have the intelligence of the creature you turn into. Which means a one way trip as any coherent logical human thoughts is driven out by animal instincts.
  
  If I shapeshift into another human, I’d just have their memories. Id have to shapeshift somewhere calm, and leave myself notes
- Your clothes are not transformed with you
  
  Still works. I just gotta shapeshift into someone about my height
- Your weight also change, but the difference is converted to energy using mass–energy equivalence formula.
  
  Grow slowly -> walking air cooler
  Shink rapidly -> Boom
  
  So I just need to keep my weight constant
- But comes with body dysmorphic disorder. You’ll never be satisfied with how you look.
  
  Not until you finally get it right, and at that point you look like a total freak to everyone else. But at least you're satisfied.
- Granted, but you can never turn back
  
  access to all animal shapes, but can only use them once, stuck in final form forever.
- You can only shapeshift into smaller versions of yourself.
  
  That’s not really a side effect, more of a condition.
- You can only shift into a species that you've seen before. Can only shape shift into living things (not sentient and mobile inanimate objects)
  And you can never return to any species you were previously. It has to be a new one every time until you exhaust the possible species. Leaving you stuck as the last possible species you pick to shape shift into.
  
  Wait, but can I shapeshift within a given species?
- you shapeshift, but your state and society will periodically and randomly remind you, that they know, what shape you had earlier ... wait, that does already exist. still superpower tho!
- You can't actually become anything unique, the body approximately closest to your imagination becomes yours. They also, become you in turn. You immediately become a world wide sensation if used frequently.
  
  That’s not shapeshifting, that’s body swapping
- Your telomeres become damaged every time you use the ability
- You forget what you like if you are changed for too long and don't have a detailed enough reference
  
  A matter of keeping some hair in a jar as well as a photograph of mine
- You can also become invisible

Ability to make cheese at will.
- it is extruded and harvested from your nipples
  
  I would get the biggest fattest breast implants possible and be a stripper with a built-in cheese dispenser.
  
  I see no flaws in this plan
  
  This is a superpower thst could be in the orgy scene in The Boys, rofl.
- You are also able to end all wars
  
  And are reminded of this with every cheese you create.
- It's Cheez-Whiz
  
  Alas I must make my living in Philly in the cheesesteak mines.
- It lags out reality because every time you make cheese, it spawns a dozen above you, and reality just never expected this to happen. Also it's always comically large Raclette
- You're lactose intolerant
- It's all kraft singles
- You now lactate and secrete rennet. Making it possible for you to harvest the ingredients and make cheese at will.
- As word of your power spreads across the world, you become a god to cows by providing means to an end to the rape and exslavement of their species.
  The combined belief of billions of cows grants you accesss to the physical and mental powers of cows. If you work to free them, you will become more powerful. And if you don't, you will be cursed to live out the rest of your days in an abattoir, where the hopes and dreams of cows go to die.
  Either way, the dairy lobbies aren't happy and assassins are after you.
- Severe lactose intolerance.

Teleportation
- Every time you do it, you land on a poop
  
  Just gotta carry disinfectant wipes and stuff I guess. I'd take this deal
  
  And not like a little dog scat either. We're talking the entire football team ate some bad vichysoise and it hit them during practice and that pile is where you land. Every godsdamn time. You're starting to wonder if it's the same pile.
- You can only teleport your body. Meaning you will always arrive naked.
  
  I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle
  
  You should watch The Boys, if you haven't already.
  
  Are prostheses and implants considered part of your body for purposes of teleport?
- Granted, but your momentum is teleported with you. The earth is hurtling through space at over 100,000 km and you are on its -spinning- surface subjected to multiple momentum influences constantly.
  Keep it to short distances and you might be ok, but with distance comes chaos.
  
  This was fantastically embedded in the Jumper books.
  
  Don't you Just have to Teleport rapidly Forward in short disxtances then to mitigate that risk? Would probably also bei safer since you could See where to Teleport to.
  
  Lmao not how it works. Things are only moving in relation to other things, if you're affixed to the earth then almost any other point on earth relative to you is not moving.
  If you teleport in refence to some other celestial body that sounds kind of dumb and also possibly a skill issue.
- Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.
  
  If your already on your deathbed, it would be a painful way to die, but you'd at least get an amazing view for a few seconds.
- You have to have been there first within 24hrs to teleport there
  
  This can actually still be convenient if you need to be physically at work 5 days a week. No more commuting and waking up early in the morning except on Mondays. If you want to skip Monday traffic, take a quick drive on Sunday to your office so you meet the 24 hour criteria.
- The Fly - 1986
- You can't control the destination.
- The event alone causes an explosion, killing anything 50 meters to you, damaging anything 100 meters from you, temporarily disabled any electrical thing two kilometres from you, but you won't be affected by any of this.
- "The Stars My Destination" by Alfred Bester. Considered one of the all time best science fiction novels. Everyone can teleport just by thinking about it.
- Anywhere you haven't been is an imaginary place
- You can materialize matter out of thin air.

Super strength
- You fart continuously while using it.
  
  Probably the most realistic of the side effects
- There's an episode of Justice League where Superman goes at it with Darkseid. Supes says that he always has to be careful and that the whole world is like cardboard to him, so this is the first time he can really let go.
  So, you can't pick up a coffee cup or touch anyone without worrying about destroying something.
  Also, you aren't invulnerable so if you punch a wall you'll still break your hands.
  
  Also, you aren't invulnerable so if you punch a wall you'll still break your hands.
  This is an interesting side effect.
  Every time they sneeze they break multiple bones.
  If you push too hard during pooping you'll blow out your ass and/or cause internal organ damage.
  Chewing could easily crush your teeth and break your jaw
  If a guy, don't even think about masturbation. If you do manage it with the use of a device independent of your super strength, the ejaculation would still shoot out of you like a rail gun, destroying anything in its path and blowing out your penis.
  The list can go on and on. That power is a fucking nightmare.
- The minimum force you can output is now around 500 Newtons
- It's extremely difficult to control - even grazing an object the wrong way with your finger can end up breaking it into pieces. Giving someone a hug can easily end with you covered in blood from the person you just split in two.
  
  Going to the toilet propells the shit straight through the toilet.
- Your muscles don't gain super durability however.

Have my nose grow every time I lie
- but it's flaccid
  
  squidward
- Your nose hair grows proportionally, but when the nose shrinks again the nose hair stays as is
- It's a new separate nose in a random place on your body.

Mind reading
- It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information
  
  Twist: everyone is P-zombies but you! The Solipsists were right!
- When you read someone's mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.
  
  I think that's a syndrome
  
  Crowded subway station = fun times!
- You're extra sensitive to reading the minds of non-human animals and can't turn it off. All the time. Forever.
- You can't turn it off or filter out any thoughts and are lost in a cacophony of thoughts bombarding you every second from evey living thing. Even isolation isnt a relief as the animals and insects asail you with their primitive instinctual thoughts.
  
  Came looking for copper but found gold. Great write-up.
  
  Antarctica here I come!
- All thoughts are formatted in .docx
  
  All thoughts are deposited on a random storage medium and format. So you might receive a 3.5" cassette formatted with ZFS or a flashdrive that must be read by laser refraction (like a DVD)
- No filter so you hear everything. I hope you are ready to hear non-stop thoughts of pooping, peeing and struggling with bad sleep because one of the elderly people around you is going to be dealing with it.
  That’s ignoring all the disturbing thoughts of others you can’t do anything about.
- Whenever you do it, the fact you're reading someone's mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.
- It works, but there is nothing to read. Enjoy your solipsism!
- In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.
- Always. You can never not be reading the minds of everyone around you.
- Everyone secretly despises you.

The ability to get my DnD group to have a sensible, routine schedule, with no cancelations.
- They are always completely distracted and on their phones the whole time.
- Your DnD groups are all incredibly hot and sexually uninhibited, but none of them will date you because they can always get great sex, whereas you are the best at being a DM. They also steal any one you want to date because they want you do do nothing but be there for them.
- You DM becomes your literal dungeon master. You're literally chained naked in a basement, forced to play endless games of DND.
- This irritates your intestines terribly every time you use it, causing you to be the one to have to cancel every time tho, or play the session in agonizing pain and very frequent bathroom trips
- Everyone wants to play in your games
- Even for a post like this that’s just unrealistic.
  But, everyone shows up but their fingers are constantly covered in a thick layer of Cheeto dust.
- Their friends and family become trapped in stasis until they complete a campaign, they know you are to blame. You die when the campaign ends.
- But they want to change their character every time.

Neural typical ignoramus is what I choose. I'd like to be able to ignore what's happening in my country and be happy like a bunch of these dumbassss

Flying
- Extreme fear of heights
  
  Stealth low flight mode activated!
  
  '... I... I just prefer to 'hover', ok?'
  
  Hovering would still be nice
  
  "Hey, whats that up in the air?"
  "It's a bird."
  "No, it's a plane!"
  "Wait... Is that...?"
  "AAAAAAAUUUGGGHAAAAAAHH"
  "It's Banshee Man!"
- Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.
- You are now the sexiest thing alive to birds, so they will constantly hit on you.
- you lose all leg strength
- Only at the speed of walking.
- You’re now a city pigeon.
- You can't walk
  
  Depending on how controlled the flight is, you could just flight 5mm off the ground and just look like you're walking normally.
  
  That sounds perfectly fine though
- Flying has its own built-in side effects.
  Every time you take off, there's a pretty good chance that people nearby will notice. The government will want to study someone who has the ability to fly, so they'll start surveiling the area. Within a short time they'll figure out who you are, and you'll be captured and eventually dissected.
  And, that's assuming your flight superpower comes with the ability to breathe at high altitudes, the ability to resist the cold you'd be exposed to by flying, the ability to see while flying without having your eyes dry out, etc.
- You get struck by lightning
- You can't do it unless you're wearing revealing bondage gear and a ball gag. Your kinks become the story instead of your superpower.

The ability to change the probability of events happening
- You can only make things worse
  
  Dang 😅 Who gets to decide whether I'm making something worse though?
- You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.
  
  Name checks out, thank you Spiderman :3
- Applies only to non terrestrial events
  
  Chance of an advanced race of friendly aliens settling on Mars: 0.0000000000000N% => 100%
- you no longer know what will happen after the first change so the power is a single use
- The probability of gaining or losing a genetic trait in your body also changes based on the probability change you make
- You go forward in time to a point where the changes no longer matter.
- You can only make small changes, and it doesn't always work. So, you don't actually know if you have the power or if something slightly improbable happened.

With the snap of my fingers I can instantly cause the death of authoritarian dictators.

Controlling time to undo mistakes i have done in the past

Bullet poops
- the bullets fire whether your sphincter is open or not
- Every time you sneeze you ruin a perfectly good pair of pants/underwear.
- You can also solve world hunger
- Nutsack strays
- You're full of gunpowder

Speed up or slow down time at will
- Side effect: but, every time you do, it causes you to have an eight-hour-long, extremely intense psychedelic experience.
  
  how come this guy gets to have two superpowers?
- But special relativity still applies. So you can only do this by traveling at nearly the speed of light away from or towards your target. Travelling this fast is a separate power with separate side effects, and you don't have it.
  
  Read 'The Forever War" by Joe Haldeman. Wormhole / time dilation causes the troops to experience time differnetly from the folks back on Earth. every time they return from a mission, decades or even centuries have passed.
- The humble shroom trip:
- You are also affected.
  
  This is the only side effect on this comment that doesn't try to invalidate the power.
- Requires large amounts of reaction mass and plenty of space.
- It affects your aging by 1,042x as much as the speed used. Careful, or you'll either become dust or Benjamin Button yourself.
- You can't actually change time, just your perception of time. Your muscles don't move any faster. If someone is throwing a punch at you and you slow down time, you can appreciate the fist moving at your face for an hour of your slowed-down time, but you still can't dodge the punch. If you speed up time, you still need to eat, sleep, and perform other bodily functions. So, instead of getting hungry every few hours, you get hungry in what feels like seconds. And, since you don't have super-speed, you need to slow time back down again so you can eat.
  It might still be a power worth having, but it's not as awesome as it might seem at first.
  
  It would be great for raw reaction time, granted you'd still have to wait for your body to catch up.

I can upvote or downvote as many times as I want

The ability to choose side effects to other people’s super powers
- You get hit with the same side effect
  
  Okay, yeah, but then all you have to do is give everyone beneficial side effects.

infinite money

being happy
I don't need superpowers, just let me not be depressed while retaining a functioning cock/not feeling numb to the world.
Alright, fun's over, let the monkey's paw curl.

Be able to transform into animals

Every single (non-human) animal is friendly to me.

I want to be just slightly above average in everything I do without needing training, but I can only achieve that level of slightly above average at whatever I do.

The power to negate side effects of any kind. :]

The ability to turn lead into gold just by touching it and saying a short incantation.

Ohh! this *is *a nice game!
Ok, my superpower is ... Autism!
Edit: The answers were even better than i expected! Thank you all :D

The power of the brown-touch: The about to make people shit themselves by touching them
- It works on yourself as well
- You can't control the effect when you touch a non-human animal.
  
  BUT THEN I CAN'T PET THAT DOG
- It works everytime you touch someone you admire or love.

Will to live

When I’m completely naked I’m invisible.

Liquid metal shape shifting like an organic terminator or metal clayface

You can control the digestive systems of others
- you lose control of your own when using the power.
  Cause a shit, take a shit.
  
  They said control. They didn't say they'd use it to directly cause people to shit. As written, they could control their GI such that the direction is reversed.
  They could cause people to throw up feces.
  Cause a reverse shit, take a shit.
- You can't control your own

I can now shoot fresh spaghetti from my fingertips. Each fingertip shoots a continuous spaghetti noodle at an alarming rate with a range of about 4 feet. My thumbs will shoot a delicious meat sauce at a comparable rate and range.

Not having to sleep. You can just be awake 24/7 without the usual cognitive decline or feelings of being tired.

Invisibility

impeccable social skills

When a lemmy user responds to me with a side effect, I can, by choice, reflect or absorb said side effect

Complete and total control over my own body down to the molecular level.
- It doesn't turn off, you have to manually burn oxygen molecules with every cell constantly to live
  
  The ultimate multi-task. I assume that I'd have to manage cell division too. Wild to think about how little we are actually in charge of within ourselves.
- You get burnt out by having to manage everything
  
  If I can control my body at the molecular level, then I can control the chemical reactions in charge of emotions and fatigue. Depression, stress, burnout? Just turn that shit off.
- On a whim you decide to max out your pleasure, but don't set a time limit. You lose all higher cognitive functions as you're flooded with bliss.
  With no way back, you slowly starve to death, loving every moment of it.
  
  Literally, the best way to go. Now I really want that power.
- You can't stop ejaculating
- It causes an unbearable stench around you. No one will come closer than fifty meters without a total haz-mat suit with scuba.

Ability to become any fictional character with all their skills and powers while retaining my identity.

Teleportation.

Instant teleportation

Every time I brush my teeth, they glow in the dark for the next 24 hours

I can shit at will

I am now able to speak to all animals, and understand them all
- All of them will be very rude to you
- They all have the intelligence of a 3 year old and can't form coherent sentences
- They're all completely horrible and you can't block them out.
- You become blind and lose your sense of taste.
- Every animal has super-covid and no vaccine can be made, so the government kills every animal
- I think the side effect is the power itself. Animals only care about food, sex. Most boring super power on the list. Maybe cool to talk with dolphins.

Happiness

I GET IMMORTALITY!

Necromancy with revived person having all memories and intellect, but me having final say
- Every person you revive is gender bent to the opposite sex :3
  
  Kar(o)lina Marx!?
  
  just gonna die and be revived real quick, brb...
  
  Imagine how many suicides by trans people can be caused by this
  
  Andrea the Giant sounds like a win to me.
- Whomever you revive has all the capabilities their physical body can manage, but they never stopped decomposing after death and they are still decomposing. You could revive a skeleton, but they wouldn't do anything given that they have no flesh or brain, so it would just lay there being calcium. The injuries that killed them would still be present and they'd be in pain from the injury and decomposition, so there's that. Better hope they weren't embalmed.
- You'll get kink for necks
- You become septic every time you do this
- You know that you are going to hell.

Superpower - Simon the likeable. I come across to everyone as so calming, disarming, friendly and persuasive that I can convince anyone to do anything just by talking to them.

Just gimme photographic memory.

Shoot butts out my laser

ability to make people say/do what you want them to

I am ironman

The ability to find any file I please from anywhere I choose no matter how confidential or copyrighted it is. (It's... for a Club Penguin archival project, yeah)

The ability to the cat

Complete control over time. I can stop, start, speed up, slow down, skip forward, skip back, and rewind.
- You are not immune to your powers- when time stops, so do you
  
  Which makes sense as air being stopped would make moving around impossible.
- You have to run as if you were a shark to even breathe
- You can't move from one spot.
- It messes with your memory severely and the more you use the power the more severe a temporally caused form of schizophrenia you develop becomes as well.

Super speed of course!!

The outcome I most want, when random chance is involved, will always occur if I first say the words "hoodoo moogoo"