How do I develop relationships/friendships?
How do I develop relationships/friendships?
So like...I'm not repulsive. People actually really like talking to me. I don't make people upset and no one ever dislikes me. But...no one ever wants to hang out with me or talk to me without me intiating or already being in the same place.
It's not like I'm boring either. I have interests and hobbies and a personality of a sort, but it feels like no matter what I do I'm always having to insert myself into groups and such, and no one ever thinks "hey, i should invite him to do x."
I know you can't give exact answes without knowing me personally, so if anyone has general experience with feeling like this any general advice is appreciated
Groups are weird. They dont work how you might think. Usually theres groups within groups, and overlap between them.
When a group outing is planned there will typically be an initiating party. Be that 1 or 2 people. This person comes up with the idea, and then invites people to do the thing together.
The initiatior will typically have 2 pools of people they know to pull from. Pool 1 is people they know super well that theyd invite to anything, and Pool 2 is people that they think would be a good addition to this specific activity for whatever reason. that they might not know as well.
After the first wave of invites there will be secondary invites as the people who got invited invite more people along. Not always but usually. The 2nd wave is typically like significant others, siblings, very close people.
If you are on the outside and want to get into a group you have 2 potential methods to pursue. You can find out who typically plans things and let them know hey if you guys are doing X activity id like to come. Then when they plan X activity theyll hopefully remember and invite you. This wont work all the time, people forget, or just dont feel like inviting more people, etc. But it can work if youre patient. Then the more times you go along you can slowly join pool 1 as you get closer to people.
Method 2 is to get in via the secondary wave of invites. Typically the easiest way, you just need to find a member of the group youd like to date, but if that relationship ever falls apart you risk being ousted from the group too. Plus its a bigger commitment.
The best way to meet new people is usally through people you already know via a secondary invite, or through things that force cooperation, and you do a lot. This is why a lot of people make friends in places like school or work. Stuff like this takes time and patience. You cant expect someone to meet you and feel comfortable inviting you to stuff right away.
Trying to force it too quickly can make people feel weirded out too. Like you just meet someone, they seem cool, but then suddenly theyre asking to come to your poker nights with your close friends every time they happen. Some stuff is just more exclusive to people they've known longer.
In general as an adult to meet people outside work my advice is to do an activity alone. A hobby, volunteer thing, whatever. Keep doing it over and over, and there will be a few people who you see a lot, and become friendly with. This also garuntees you have something in common.
In general as an adult to meet people outside work my advice is to do an activity alone. A hobby, volunteer thing, whatever. Keep doing it over and over, and there will be a few people who you see a lot, and become friendly with.
I could not agree more. From my experience this is by far the most successful approach. Put yourself out there and do things you enjoy (around other people) and over time you will naturally develop relationships to other people.
Are you Neuro-divergent? Most NT people have friendship software preloaded. For many ND people we have to build that software from scratch. Talking about it can be super off putting because it sounds manipulative and Machiavellian.
If you seem too interesting people assume you have stuff going on so they don't call you when they are doing stuff. They think you are "out of their class" if you are too confident and awesome.
There was a time when I could be fucked playing the game of having friends, being cool, and meeting ladies. I was only ever moderately successful so maybe my advice/theory isn't that great.
weird ranting social dynamics lecture
Society is fucked. There's a hierarchy or power dynamics system going on between individuals and groups all the time. The worst part is that most people do it on instinct not consciously so if you bring it up you seem like a psychopath.
Everyone has their internal self confidence/esteem and they have their projected confidence. They have an internal idea of where they sit on the group social hierarchy and also where they think they should be then there is where the social group puts them in actuality. Then there is their perceived, desired and objective relation to each individual. Often times these different statuses are nearly equal. Most people have no clue this is going on because it is running in the background and discussing it is black magic. (think about the reaction to someone reading "how to win friends and influence people")
Some people want to surround themselves with people they think are their social betters. Other people want to be the most awesome person in their lives. Most people want someone close to their social status but not perfectly equal.
To make someone your friend you need to insert yourself in the position that assists them in reaching/maintaining their desired state in the social hierarchy as well as raising their self esteem.
When dealling with a group there's a fuck ton of variables and its really hard to know what actions will do what because you don't know who's variables are dependant on who's. Compliments and interest usually raise the confidence and social standing of the recipient... unless the complimenter is of a significantly lower social standing or confidence level.
Outsiders often have a low social standing to groups but a high confidence level can off set that negative, liberal application of compliments and interest can quickly convert that high confidence into social standing provided you can be genuine. Some people try to use negative reinforcement and some groups only operate by deflating others value but those are not healthy social circles or individuals to be around. Once you have established a position in the social hierarchy of a group you can consider deflationary moves to solidify a position but its a tool best avoided if possible.