HELP! How do I help educate my son about his body when I know nothing about boys?

Always knock before entering his room

I think one of the more important things you can get across to him is this:

Porn is fine, but it’s fiction. It’s no more real or realistic than the latest superhero blockbuster, and should be thought of that way. It’s entertainment, not education.

There are sex ed channels on Youtube. Good ones. Sexplanations is one, but there are also others. Seek those out.

I know this is going to be a very awkward conversation, but you have to understand this: he will be finding and watching porn, and most likely already is at 14. Don’t shame him for that. In any way. Let him know that you know, and that it’s normal, but that it’s important to think of it like it’s just the movies. Cos that’s what it is.

As a guy, best I can say is educate him on what women go through. Make sure he knew what is going on, so he doesn't look like an idiot with a woman. And so he isn't like me and learn about how periods actually work when he's almost thirty because he doesn't get a joke in a movie.

What he needs to learn at this age isn't what he will do through, school will do that for him. He needs to know what others will go through. Religious thinking kept most of female anatomy out of the public schools I went to.

There are books for children on this. Lots of them. Read a few and pick ones that fit your values. I suggest providing a few.

He is hearing information already. Much of it wrong.

Plenty of good advice in this thread.

I'm gonna shout out the boy version of the book "what's happening to my body?"

https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Happening-Body-Book-Boys/dp/1557047650

It was super helpful to me in puberty, even with trusted male figures. It's written from a non-judgemental, information focused space. It also let's him has some way of privately seeking knowledge that isn't just whatever he finds on the internet

When I was 14 my dad came into my room right before the homecoming dance and handed me a bunch of condoms. That was about all of the talk I got. That said, I was 19 when my first kid was born… but that is a whole different issue.

Male puberty happens a bit later than female puberty; at almost 14 he's either in the thick of it or just about done.

I don't think male puberty is quite as "what the Lovecraftian fuck is happening to me right now" as female puberty. His voice either has or will drop, this isn't physically painful but it's not fun how people react to it sometimes.

He is going to GROW. When I was 15 I outgrew a pair of shoes overnight. Came home from school one day, took my shoes off, went to bed. Woke up the next morning, those same shoes didn't fit. In the next couple years he's probably going to have some joint or bone aches just from growing so much. My parents fed me Tylenol which did basically nothing, I'm not convinced Tylenol works. It'll slow down by the time he's out of high school but where girls are pretty much at adult size at 18 boys will keep growing a bit into their early 20s.

He's gonna get stronger. Sometimes it's going to sneak up on him; prepare for the occasional moments of didn't know his own strength style clumsiness.

Physical activity is a good idea; sports, marching band, shop class, if you can get him up and moving during the day and not packed into a classroom it'll be good for his brain. Boys don't really do well sitting in a classroom all day.

For the above three reasons he is going to have a VORACIOUS appetite. I ate 5,000 calories a day and struggled to gain weight in high school. Let the kid eat. A hungry teen is an angry teen. Somewhere around 19 or 20, either in college or in the get a job part of life, that growth spurt is tapering off and there's less physical activity inherent in life, so the need for calories is going to decrease but his ordering habits won't. 19 years old is about time to start ordering medium combo meals.

You can expect a certain amount of teenage moodiness; his brain is rewiring itself. He'll have feelings. Society isn't okay with this. He'll learn how to express nothing but anger or amusement. This is ultimately for the best; once he's an adult he will be expected to do two things: Work and die. Having feelings is accomplishing neither of those so he is expected to...never do that. Some people will ask him for displays of emotions; he will quickly learn that they are not interested in his actual feelings because those would require, like, dealing with or whatever. They want to see an impromptu rom-com performance.

Unexplained genital pain is never normal in males; "it hurts, and it has hurt for awhile now" is reason to see a doctor.

Besides all the good advice in the thread, about condoms:

He should be somewhat comfortable with putting on condoms, he has to train that before it becomes necessary. There are plenty of videos explaining it, let him find them and check them out on his own terms. Let him know not every brand fits every man. He will need to overcome the awkwardness of buying them in drug stores or supermarkets, if he finds it awkward at all, he has to get over himself and do it. A possible motivation could be that if girls can buy their period products, he can buy his dick wraps.

I find it very commendable that you think about this problem!

NRK had a series on puberty that is no-nonsense, straight to the point. It was hosted by a physician. Most of it is on YouTube, and from a very brief look has English subtitles. Warning, it contains full frontal nudity of people at various ages. It is rated for children in Norway, but might be shocking to someone not used to seeing nipples on TV. It should be quite informative. Watch it yourself and decide if you want your son to see it. I have no idea if it is geoblocked.

If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don't ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)

That's about all I can think of that's gendered, really.

I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it'll be helpful to do the talk and show that you're available as a resource.

In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I'd frame it as "I'm sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what's important." It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don't set his expectations on it, it's people faking things for money.

Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it's not necessarily about what he's going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.

Then, I'd just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he's unsure.

It's awkward and tough I'm sure, but it'll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!

What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?

As a male, not much really happens, other than feeling grumpy as hell pretty much all the time, an undeserved sense of superiority after realizing how logic works, and a fucking intense sex drive. I cannot stress the last part enough, teenage boys are a horny bunch and, thanks to the internet, will probably masturbate multiple times a day. What you should tell him, and hope it enters his brain, is that the more porn he consumes, the less likely he'll be to feel satisfied with actual sex, which can lead to disappointing relationships later on.

Another couple of comments said to "knock before entering his room". If you want to "assert authority", open without knocking and, if you catch him in the act, just nonchalantly tell him to "do it elsewhere and clean up properly" - if anything, teach him to wipe it dry and don't use water to clean up. He will feel ashamed from being caught, but if you, as his mother, treats it as something natural and expected, hopefully he'll get the right idea that, yes, that is something to be done in privacy, but not necessarily something to feel ashamed of.

Talk about sex. Tell him that he must wear a condom when he does it and to keep a bottle of lube to help (water based lube only, oils will wreck condoms)

Lastly, if he ever brings a girlfriend home, tell her to only do it with a condom and to not accept any of his possible excuses to not use one.

At some point. For the love of all that is holy you MUST tell you son the following: Never come in a woman unless you want a baby. Even if she tells you to. Even if she claims she is protected.

NEVER COME IN A WOMAN WITH WHOM YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A BABY

Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.

First off....you are a great parent. Respect. The most important thing I wish I heard at 14 is that changes are normal, sexual desire is normal, a teenagers body is spurting growth and this may be awkward, but also normal.

When I was 14, my knees hurt because of my growth spurts.

When I was 14, there were a lot of awkward arousals that I had to cover with my back back.

When I was 14, I was still smaller compared to others, by 18 I was towering above everybody.

When I was 14 I was a coward with girls. When I really shouldn't have been.

When I was 14, I was bullied, and wish with all my heart, I would have Stood up for myself...if I had a cthwr figure to tell me that instead of teachers telling me to be peaceful Instead.

Hell, maybe a big brother program would help.

Hell, if you are desperate, DM me.....maybe I can help

Aside from basic biological stuff, trust and consent. Consent is required. Trust no one you don't know extremely well and are in a committed relationship (especially as regards protection and contraception).

I wonder if educational videos exist on this. I assume so somewhere. As a dude in his 40s not having kids, I thought "maybe I should reach out to volunteer to help" but, at the same time, realize there are so many weirdos on the internet I would always say no in the same circumstance. Maybe if there are no educational vids, I could try to create something.

Raising kids is hard. Good on you for trying to do things properly. Best of luck!

I never received any kind of talk from my parents. Also, in my home country, during the communist era and even after, sex ed in schools was taboo. Crazy thing too, since it had (and still has) one of the highest teen pregnancy numbers in Europe.

Anyway, I did not want that with my kids. Luckily where we live now there is a strong sex ed program in schools, but also at home, we were always open. We talk about sex casually, we reiterate "always ask for consent" and "no means no", and my son even ratted out one of his school buddies who's a Tate fan. He knew that what the guy was saying was wrong, so they don't hang out anymore.

Also, sexuality. One of my daughters came out to us over dinner, so casually, "dad, I think I'm gay". I just said "cool" and gave an awkward fist bump.

Just be open, casual, don't make things weird.

This may be weird, but honestly I wish someone had just given me a copy of “she comes first” (a good book I still use today), and an Adam and Eve gift card. The last one I’ll give you one good reason: it’ll be a lot better if he’s fucking a toy than having sex as a teen. It’ll also make it a bit of a training experience, a lot of guys that age just want to know “what it’s like”.

Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.

There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for 'protein'. Wash cold.

Erections at random times will 100% happen. It's expected.

Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.

Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.

I think the two big things I have to add are:

1. Don't let the church educate your son on these things.

2. Don't say nothing.

If you're unsure about talking to them about these things yourself, seek out a man you trust, talk to them about it and make sure your values align, and then talk to your son about them together.

John and Hank Green's CrashCoarse is about to release a new sex ed series. I watched their whole computers series and thought it was fantastic.

My parents didn't really give me a talk, where I live we have pretty comprehensive sex education in school that starts at 8/9 and finishes around 14/15.

At 13, maybe he's already been given some kind of education about his body (especially since he already shaves and has already probably had wet dreams and discovered masturbation). Do you know what he already knows?

Family isn't going to work for you, but do you have male friends or work colleagues you trust enough to ask for advice?

By the time you are 14, you have probably figured out everything about yourself. Tell him what girls want and think at his age. When i was a kid, my friend was dead convinced that all girls prefer anal sex, cause "that doesn't hurt". He based that, I assume, entirely on porn he had seen.

Kid is lucky to have you.

I had a mum and a dad, and they did their best, but I wish they had been more interested with my well being in this way.

You're doing great.

Honestly, the majority of key points to talk about can be found online from respectable sources (for example, this article from Johns Hopkins, though there are many others). There is a better than even chance he has shady looked up the "Is this normal" stuff himself if he has normal internet access.

From a social standpoint it's going to be different for everyone, teenage years are hard and kids are often cruel. I'd advise to just be there for him on this front, but don't be pushy. He is going to be moody, lash out sometimes, and act differently. That is all normal. He is going to want to push boundaries and get in trouble (rather do things that will get him in trouble, most folks don't actually want to get in trouble). Give him safe room to explore who he is and to try new things without letting him fall down too hard.

Lastly, you say there are no trusted male figures in your life, but that doesn't have to be family. Good friends can also fill that space. I have to imagine there is some guy in your life that could have heart to heart, even just with you to then talk to your son. It's worth trying to broaden your expectation of what a trusted male figure is perhaps.

Been thinking a lot about this post and tried to come up with some things that weren’t already mentioned. Sorry for writing a book.

This was mentioned once but you really have to talk to him about porn. He can literally find it on the same device he calls you on. It’s not real life but he might not know that yet or understand why. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t allow it, just that he absolutely has already encountered it and it’s likely already shaping what he finds desirable without him knowing it. (I like porn. I think it’s mostly a good thing. I do not miss trying to figure wtf was real vs what someone’s older brother made up to mess with me.)

I think lots of people have focused on sex and sexuality (for obvious reasons) but this is a moment where his relationships with friends and potential romantic interests are going to begin changing. It might be worth asking him what he needs from those different groups in his life. My friends weren’t supportive of me having a girlfriend at 14 cause they didn’t like her and it basically caused me to dig my heels in and hold onto that relationship longer than I should have.

I’m also surprised that more people didn’t mention talking with him about drinking and drugs. I don’t have any advice on what to say there. I just wish I hadn’t had to figure that stuff out totally on my own.

Ultimately, I’m glad to hear that you and your son have a good relationship where you can talk about things. The things he needs to talk with you about will change but there’s no substitute for knowing that you care.

EDIT: if you were specifically looking for the mechanics of how to hide a boner, you swing it around to 12 o’clock, tuck it up behind the waistband of the pants, and pull the boxers over it. Going down into the pants will make it more visible.

I think you and your son having an open communication is a very good thing. Be prepared, though, that this can change. This can be due to feelings of shame getting stronger during puberty.

Be patient and remain open to communication and it most likely will return.

Also, find trustworthy sources of information your son can access to find answers to his questions and respect him when he wishes to inspect there on his own (again, if you remain open and respectful, he probably either keep confiding in you or will again if he doesn’t at some point).

And from personal experience, I can add: it helps if you’re also open to learning things from him! I know I’ve learned lots from the younger generation, even though I thought I was knowledgeable enough! (Especially lingo and how to give and check for consent in non disruptive ways)

Visit your local library for resources on sexual health and wellness! It's good for you to know too. Everyone should know about the reproductive system, anatomy, STDs, how to prevent them, and what vaccines and medicines can treat or prevent STDs (For example, PrEP pills can make you nearly immune to HIV).

Fwiw, it is probably good to explain sexuality too. Or at least have books with solid sections that explain it. I always crushed on and dated girls, but then started getting nervous when I started finding boys cute too. It added a great deal of stress to my daily life. My parents thought I was straight, then kinda mangled it when I came out the first time.

There's no instruction manual for raising kids, but like...you can definitely have the knowledge ready so that you aren't caught off guard :)

As a father, I didn’t even know what to do or expect, we’re all messy, gross, and dumb at that age. The path I chose, was if they knew enough to ask a question, it was time for a discussion. Just pay attention, offer a safe environment for questions and be honest. Most of what they need to learn the world with teach them. Be there to fact check and maybe even learn together. Last tip… WE made biology gross and taboo, WE can make it less so for our kids.

I'd tell him his number one goal should not be to get his rocks off. He should focus solely on being friends with lots of different girls. Everyone eventually learns sex. It takes much longer to meet someone you just get along with and could become your ride or die. Male/female relationships come in all varieties. Learn them all.

First things first, I'd suggest looking into Big Brothers, Big Sisters if you're in America. I've been a part of their program and it's a great organization dedicated to helping kids exactly like this

OK, onto real advice: it sounds like you're a woman and one of the things you need to address early with young men is respect. He will become significantly stronger than you very soon. He will have a ton of hormones pumping through his body. He is going to become dangerous to himself and others. He will be curious about how strong he is. You have to make sure he explores that safety. This is something all men go through and it's important to have a good foundation or he can start spiraling down bad paths. You need to police his internet usage, his friends, and his role models or he could very easily start sliding into anti-women and abusive views

If he's not enrolled in any sort of physical activity I would encourage you to find one. He's going to have basically unlimited energy and channeling that into sports is usually better than the alternatives. That's also tricky because you need to pay attention to the leadership of those activities to ensure that they are good influences

Now the fun stuff: he is going to be hungry for the next 5 years. If you haven't grown up with boys it's hard to understand but he can eat 6000 calories in a day and barely notice. My family used to order 2 pizzas when I was a teen, I would eat an entire one and they would eat the other. I'm not exaggerating when I say my average food in a day was a full continental breakfast, 2 deli sandwiches, chips, a dessert and a soda for lunch, an after school snack (usually leftovers), a large dinner, and dessert. I'm not a fat guy, nor was I in school. You will likely think at some point "he can't possibly be eating that much food" and I assure you that he can

Ultimately what is important is that you have to build a good moral foundation for him. You will lose the ability to control him and when that happens all of the work you've done raising him will reflect in the way he acts

He probably has more of a clue about what happens with dudes than with women. Which you could tell him about.

Oh, one thing. If he's circumcised he probably uses some kind of lube to masturbate. It might not be condom compatible though. So if he has sex and they use lube because they've heard it hurts less then they could break the condom. That's not commonly discussed. I don't think you have to discuss how silicone lubes aren't great with sex toys.

Then you should probably talk to him about hurting during sex. Foreplay should be nice enough that you could do it all the way to orgasm. Whether it's a vagina or a butthole it shouldn't hurt by the time you put an erect penis in there. Taylor Tomlinson has a bit about how growing up Christian was good for her sex life because it meant she did everything up to "the deed". And porn, as others have mentioned, has a tendency to skip those bits. And kissing is also foreplay!

Speaking of comedy, Jerry Springer did a bit about him watching a laundry commercial for a product that could also remove blood. And he jokes about how he isn't a serial killer so why would he need that. So tell your son a bit about sanitary bins, pads that don't always get everything while you are sleeping, stuff like that. It's not scary and he shouldn't be Menstrual Guy ally supreme but he needs to be told things he can't experience himself.

Lots of great replies, just want to add that if he's uncircumcised and you haven't covered the topic yet; washing under the foreskin is important hygiene. Same with washing his ass while we're on the topic of hygiene.

If you want my honest advice, the major considerations are that boys turn nonstop-horny for a few years, before that naturally stops.

Apart from that, yeah, general self-development. But that will take time, and experience(s)

For real, go to a library and ask a librarian for help.

They'll have various books aimed at different levels of maturity and reading levels. Get a book, read it yourself, then ask him to read it and talk about what you learned.

Your question immediate took my mind back to this 15+ year old clip. Maybe use it as an ice breaker😂. The moms awkward attempt is before where the link jumps.

As a side note…if he shares a shower with someone with long hair and you don’t use a hair strainer or something. The process of removing the clogged hair is gonna get a bit more gross.

There is a wealth of resources regarding sexuality and thematics for adolescents in general available here: https://www.youmo.se/en/

also, Big Mough comes recommended by the city of reykjavik, which has lots of stuff regarding sexuality and gender issues, but not all in english.

i want to emphasise training how to use a condom, finding out the correct size is something that's on his to do list. Proper hygiene is also learned (my parents didn't give a shit and it caused me problems far longer than necessary) - tell him if he needs to shower, body odor changes fast during puberty, and it's easy to be nose-blind to your own smell.

I saw someone recommend giving a gift card for a sex toy - i think that's a good idea, the sex drive in puberty was constant and to be honest at times annoying and distracting,

Besides all the stuff related to sex that many people have already written down here:

1. That it is normal to have overwhelming emotions at this age. It's fine if he gets angry, or sad or whatever. Find an outlet for that emotion.

2. He is gonna get a long stronger. It is important to approach this with sensibility: saying stuff like "strong men are dangerous" or "men are strong and women are weak" etc can actively harm young men's mental health. I'm sure there are good resources for this online as well, though I'm not sure where. He needs to realize that he will need to control how much force he puts into things much more than as a child, but at the same time that people are not afraid of him and should not be.

In this day and age with the internet, I doubt there's much he doesn't know about in terms of how it works.

I would pull up statistics on stds and on the cost of raising a kid. Explain to him that almost 1 in 8 people have herpes and it never goes away, and how teen pregnancy really can fuck up future opportunities.

In my region this is handled really well by schools. Parents don't need to worry about anything. Don't they do that in your region?

There are books for that, that usually take all the important bits and put them in funny, engaging ways. It could be a nice thing to get, even read together.

Here's what I wish people had explained to me when I was approximately your son's age and which should cover most of what he's going through:

(I am assuming your son is heterosexual. If he is not, then you have to change this somewhat, but I can't help you with that very much because I'm heterosexual myself.)

You probably noticed that for a few years now, when you look at or think of girls, your penis gets hard and much bigger; this is because you started puberty. That is called an erection and is a completely normal thing to happen; it's your body telling you that it would like you to have sex with that girl. Erections will immediately go away when you ejaculate, which is a completely normal and very pleasurable thing to do. You can ejaculate without having sex with anyone by masturbating, that is, by rubbing your penis against your hands or some other object. It helps to think of beautiful girls when doing that. I have no problem at all with you doing this and you will never get in trouble for doing it or asking anyone any questions about it, but I insist that you do it when no one is watching, preferably in your own room.

Have you reached out to his coaches/PE teachers at school?

There are these things called books...