Cleaning

Shame cleaning is the only reason my apartment doesn't look like a scene out of Hoarders

I've come up with the most cursed business idea in history.

I envision founding what is effectively a suspiciously cheap home-cleaning service. Like a cleaning service, we'll require access to your home. We'll need a key or door code. However, we don't actually ever send anyone to clean your house.

Instead, we let you do the cleaning. We don't DO the cleaning. We INSPECT your cleaning. When signing up for our service, you're signing up to have a cleaning inspector show up to your house at any random time between 8 AM and 5 PM. It will be completely at random. It could be months between the random inspections, or you could get inspected 3 days in a row.

The inspector will be a form of your choosing. You can sign up for an angry boot camp drill-instructor type. You can sign up for someone who will more have the vibe of a grossed-out boyfriend/girlfriend. Or they can send a team of older inspectors that will make it feel like you're being berated by your parents. The choice of shame is up to you!

The inspectors will go through your home, call you a slob, and belittle your cleaning ability. We won't make it too ridiculous. By default, they would just expect you to keep things clean and neat, not lab-grade sterile. But if your laundry pile grows, you need to dust, or the bathrooms are a mess? Well you're going to hear about it! If you are present, they will shame you in person. Regardless if you are there or not, you will be sent a report documenting in disgusting detail all the messes and cleaning errors in your house. The report will be filled with professional-grade photos of your filth. And to provide further damning motivation? The report will be posted on the public internet for anyone to view for free.

Note: customers who are clearly using this as a sex thing will be dropped from the service.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A SEX THING
I was following along until the humiliation part.

That's the part about pressure cleaning - it's all about the humiliation we expect to occur, not that actually does occur.
- Nothing more shameful than someone walking and going "oh... okay... Not bad. To be honest, I expected worse". Like, removed what the fuck you mean "not bad"? That's the cleanest that kitchen counter top has been in 6 months!
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS "NOT" A SEX THING 😏

There's even a word for that called scurryfunging.

Wow, TIL, thanks!
scurryfunging

Immediately thought it was German. Damn.
Damn yo. I do tend to scurryfunge a lot.

Even then, it only ever goes into "acceptable" levels of tidyness

Obligatory "sorry I didn't have time to clean" when the guests arrive, after you cleaned for 2 hours.

Last minute panic is a legitimate strategy

Which leads to burn-out in the long run.
- Every week you gotta:
  
  dust all rooms
  
  vacuum all rooms
  
  mop rooms without carpet
  
  cook multiple times depending on how you get organized
  
  clean kitchen after each cooking session
  
  do the dishes
  
  laundry multiple times
  
  grocery shop
  
  iron clothes
  
  clean the bathroom
  
  take out the trash multiple times
  
  Every few weeks you gotta:
  
  wash curtains
  
  clean the stove
  
  clean up that closet or drawer that's full of stuff you don't know where to put
  
  whatever else I can't think of right now
  
  Every few months you gotta:
  
  defrost the freezer & clean the fridge
  
  deep clean some areas
  
  some other things probably
  
  Add a regular 8h job on top, add commitments (visit for someone's birthday, go out with friends etc), add some hobbies (gaming? Rock climbing? Whatever floats your boat, it still takes time)...
  
  I would burn out faster doing all this shit than postponing my cleaning until someone visits. I try to weave in some chores between the essential stuff, but it always adds up and I need to spend a weekend catching up.
- Ok I didn't say it was the best strategy, but sometimes you work with what ya got...
Works every time

Just have to clean up just enough to look like you didn't just clean.

Don't look in the closet!!

I know this is a joke, but it actually works. Even if the motivator is not healthy but rather to be "presentable" to outsiders.

I used to cycle 40km a day to get to work, do solid work hours with no distractions, get praised by my boss for my efforts, come home and spend quality time with my ex, and we'd clean the whole damn apartment every Saturday morning, basking in the afterglow of the shining surfaces for the rest of the weekend where we'd go for nice hikes or watch movies.

I work from home now, where I work longer hours because I'm watching cartoons at the same time which splits my focus, developing health problems because of my lack of exercise, and my lonely apartment is in dire need of TLC because of this one simple fact about myself:

I need structure, and an audience. I crave it. I will happily clean, but never for myself. Those people who join cults for a sense of purpose and belonging? I'm their #1 customer.
- I believe you. Sounds rough but hey, feel free to clean for us and then me what some people in old reddit worldpolitics sub after it became /b do is post about their day. This way rest of us can keep you accountable. The ex part may have some stuff to do with it but gl with that part. Shit hurts and drive ppl of the walls

Done this before and I'm in the process of doing it right now.

Moved in three months ago and I'm about 95% unpacked. A family member is visiting in six days and I need to complete unpacking and do a good cleaning.