1w ago

A coworker asks what you're bringing to the potluck. What's the worst response?

120 comments

Fresh Durian
- Durian smoothies.
  
  These are good in a weird way, at least for a bit until I get sick of the taste

Fish, I want it to be fresh so I’ll just microwave it here at the office right before lunch.
- Same answer but for porkchops
  
  Same answer but for eggs

"I'm a picky eater, so I'm just bringing a sandwich for myself."

I'm bringing long pork. It's my great grandfather's recipe from his sailing days. Also Greg told me he can't make it because he's going off-grid for a while. He said you shouldn't worry about him, he's fine, but he quits because he hates all of you. He went into details but I won't repeat them. If you try to contact him he'll say hurtful things to you like he did to me, so don't even try. He's fine, he hates all of you, don't look for him, enjoy the long pork.
- I know it's tacky to reply to my own comment but I was imagining how that conversation would go and wanted to add it here.
  Coworker: wow that's unexpected. I'm kind of shocked to hear that
  Me: Greg was too. When I spoke to him he looked very very shocked... At his recent decision. Shocked but also fine ... Looked very healthy... Happier than ever. He was actually so happy about is sudden decision to stop talking to all of his friends and family that he left immediately. I was like "hey Greg shouldn't you pack a bag, or atleast take your wallet, keys, and other important items with you before you leave to the wilderness forever " but he said "no. I choose to not prepare at all because I'm no longer interested in any of my worldly possessions. All I ask is that before leaving you should touch all my knifes and various other places around my apartment. Also throw out my plastic tarp i keep in the storage closet and ask all of my previous friends to never attempt to find or contact me" of course I agreed because how could I refuse a man's last request before he leaves permanently and immediately to live completely alone in the woods.
- why hasn't Greg returned any of my calls Aeao
  
  I hate to deliver bad news which is why I didn't speak to you directly... He was very clear that although he hated everyone he specifically mentioned hating you because he finds your calls annoying and he says your most unattractive quality is how concerned you are with the safety of others. It was pretty cold of him to say. I understand tho that you can't help the clearly negative part of your personality so what I can do is say that anytime you want an update on Greg just ask me, and only me ... so that other people don't see how annoying you are. I'm the only one who will understand and help you. So just ask only me and I'll tell you how Greg is doing alone in the woods. I hear he's started a sour dough culture. He's doing very very well.
  Remember tho, only me. If you ask anyone else they will leave you, like Greg left you. So we have to keep this a secret or else everyone will hate you. I'm the only one who won't leave you... Because I care.
- You and I must know the same Greg!
  
  Not anymore we don't lol. I mean because he moved to the woods. Like I said.

True story, a co-worker once brought a half eaten bag of Doritos and an apple pie his mum had made for him. Then he spent the whole thing trying to stop us from eating the pie.

I'm no longer allowed to setup "Chili Mystery Mayhem" for work after the incident.
And if I do bring chili, it has to be one of my "ultra-mild" varieties.
- I need more details on this incident lol, although I can imagine. Side note, I want some of that chilli!!
- it
  was
  YOU

Clam chowder.
Maybe you like clam chowder, that's fine, but even then, it's going to stink up the whole office and you might go through a few little cups worth, but nobody's grabbing a big bowl of chowder at a pot luck.
- Just thinking about the smell is making me gag. Yuck.

Brownies, but I'll make them "special brownies". Don't tell the others though. It'll be fun
- everyone staring braindead at their monitors in 45 minutes
  
  So like every other day?

An otherwise normal dish.
The trick is to also give this book at the secret santa, while making sure your dish is a perfect match, visually for one in the book.!
Book
- I knew what it was going to be before even clicking the link.
  
  Any link between the dish that everyone just ate, and the book are completely coincidental. 😅

Lime Jello Ham Salad with grapes and pimento olives
- Ah yes, the worst parts of different recipes thrown together. Nice.
- Wtf...
  
  A fictional response, but based on some actual potluck jello salads I tasted as a child. Ham isn't so bad but those martini olives were a nasty surprise.

A can of green beans. Just going to warm them up in the microwave. (Going to take them out of the can obviously)
- Or don't! Watch the sparks fly

The Mayor's Lucky Purple Shorts!
- Marnie would enjoy that.

Two gallons of saurkraut, no lid.

Me: Condoms.
Coworker: You don't need condoms at a potluck?
Me: Wow! You guys are freaks! (Then walk away & refuse to elaborate)
- ⏺️

Reece's pieces, m&m's, and Skittles mixed in an unmarked bowl.
- We call that Skittles Roulette
- monster.

"You're not a friend, you're a coworker. Why would I ever do something with you outside of work?"
- Direct eye contact the whole time

Chlamydia

Surstromming

“I haven’t decided yet, I’ll have to go through the fridge and see what everyone else brought so I can steal something”

Whatever those weird friggin casserole dishes I saw at the church potluck with corn or green beans mush with cornflakes on top... Or that time the lady got everyone sick but 'making buffalo wings' by just tossing a bunch of wings and sauce in a big pot in the oven.
- Take that back, Green Bean Casserole (when done properly) is amazing! And FYI it’s French fried onions on top, not corn flakes.
  Although I will grant you the wings thing sounds bad.
  
  oh fam - this was no green bean casserole hit piece ... I don't know part of Dutch hell I fell into... It was just flavorless mush... the one time it had noodles and hot dogs in it too... it was always different and always awful. I always took a little just to see what it was this time. Seemed like some dish someone told them they make good. This was deep in Mennonite/Amish territory...
  oh and it was 100% corn flakes not the delicious frenchie onions

Any gelatine dish recipe from the 40s and 50s.
- Olive and ham aspic

Salmonella. Every potluck has one person who insists on bringing it

Jell-O Salad. Like the carrots, peas, corn and broccoli in jello, slathered in mayonnaise dish.
- Aspic
  
  Dude, I don't think you can say that.
- 'a historical 80s dish'
  
  40's/50's thing. Easy to make boxed gelatin had basically just come out and people went a little crazy with it.

Tupperware
- I think this is my favorite. Bringing a wad of fast food napkins makes you seem like a lazy bum. Tupperware lets everyone know you're a cunning mooch.

Methamphetamine
- You guys hiring?
  
  Have you ever heard of the construction industry? Those guys are stimmed up to their eyeballs all day.
  
  Not even once

That variety of Sardinian cheese that contains live maggots.
- that doesn't exi----
  never goes online again
- I saw this on Amazing Race back in they day. I still gag thinking about it.

Surströmming
- I actually kinda want to try some and see if it's really as bad as depicted in all of those youtube videos. If not try then at least get near a can and experience the stench.
  I'm sure it's really bad, and that piques my interest. as I do pretty well with other foods people consider awful, like Durian.
  
  It is mostly a horrible smell.
  Should be eaten in small pieces with potato, onion, sourcream in a wrap or on a thin crisp bread. There is a YouTube video of someone showing how to properly eat it.
  If you eat a whole one without anything else only a few hardcore fans of it would not gag. That is what gets the views though.

Overcooked room temp shrimp ramen with cold creamed canned corn.
- Nice, less work next time!

Lutefisk.
- May as well say Cazu Marzu at that point. Or Balut.
- SKÅL!

Heac8ly lsd laced potatoes. Everyone loves potato dishes at potlucks. Just be sure not to tell anyone you did it
- I can't type, everything is bulging
  
  UWU?

Thoughts and prayers.

Surströmming?
if it is fantasy themed, insectikka masala

Sardine salad.
Ingredients:
2 can of Sardines in Olive Oil—quality brand: count 1 ½ sardines for each guest.
Baby green spinach (about 7 to 9 oz)
Kalamata olives pitted at least a dozen cut in half in the length
Cherry tomatoes—different colors best: about 1/3 pint
½ red bell pepper: sliced thinly in the width to make circular shapes to halve.
1 shallot—medium size thinly sliced
1 or 2 cloves of garlic crushed
Fresh thyme, destemmed ½ teaspoon or more
Olive oil (in addition from the oil from the can) 2-3 tablespoon
Balsamic vinegar 1 tablespoon or more
some lemon zest
Dijon mustard: 1 teaspoon or more
hot pepper flakes—some to taste
Pepper and salt to taste
Grated aged parmesan 1 to 2 oz
Directions:
Drain sardines from the can, set them aside and reserve the oil. Half each sardine in length. If needed remove bones for aesthetic though they are edible and a good source of calcium and phosphate. If you want to make a more substantial meal salad, you may put whole sardines.
In a large bowl mix tomatoes, Kalamata olive and spinach
Dressing:
In a hot pan, heat some fresh olive oil and on low heat cook garlic till light blond, and add shallot slices till translucent. Adding a bit more oil if needed sauté bell pepper for a couple of minutes on higher heat to make it a bit tender. Remove mixture from oil and set aside. When cooled down, mix them in the salad greens.
In the same pan, add sardines and warm them gently for a minute. Remove them and set aside.
Remove the pan from heat and while it is still warm, make dressing in it by some balsamic vinegar, Dijon mustard stirring vigorously to make a thin paste in which to emulsify the olive oill from the can. Integrate thyme and lemon zest. Adjust acidity and sweetness with balsamic vinegar.
Pour over salad mixture and toss. Add grated parmesan and toss gently.
Top salad with sardines heads pointing inward in a concentric pattern, each sardine at equidistant degrees from one another.
Best served with some hearty toasted bread—unless you crave for that open-faced broiled cheese sandwich mentioned above.
Boiled egg option:
The Sardinian version of this sardine salad as it was conveyed to me add to the greens one sliced hard boiled for 2 guests. It is in a way reminiscent of a salade Niçoise, which is not totally surprising as in the ports of the Mediterranean a certain cousinship can be traced in the turning and the tossing of ingredients and people.
- I would eat the f*ck out of that
  
  More power to you. My grandma made something like that and fed it to me for a week. I hated it.
- I'm not even fond of sardines and that sounds incredibly delicious!
- garlic till
  Instructions unclear, can't find till reserved for garlic.
  
  I didn't proofread the recipe, I just copied it.

Blood. I dunno, I got it from some guy.

Werthers originals

Vegemite.

Myself.

Luck.

The pot

Potato Blumpkins

A tub of cold baked beans

Shuba Salad

“Your mom”

Butter. Plain.
- Unsalted? You monster!

Liver, Fava Beans and Chianti
- fava beans are great

I've seen this on a documentary style thing on prime years ago, but why not fried Asian murder hornets and nuts?
I'd be more than willing to try them, so I'd love to see others try it too.
- runs screaming outside