5d ago

relationships and fear of abandonment

Hey everyone, I'm pretty sure I have a deep rooted fear of abandonment, I'm scared most of the time that my friends will leave me once they find someone more fun or interesting to be with, I don't outwardly act like it but it's really like that and it makes me feel anxious to start new relationships, I don't know if I can trust anyone actually likes me, it's pretty bad because there is this girl I LOVE whomst I spend all my time with she's told me she loved me AND I STILL CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE HER. It's destroying me. I feel like no one I meet will meet my need for reassurance, it's probably making me needy which I can't help, but which definitely makes me less desirable of a person.

How do I even get better? I don't know why I'm like this...

3 comments

You're not alone, you're not weird, this happens so often that there's professionals trained to help you.

This might not be what you want to hear, but you're right. People will come and go from your life in ways you don't have any control over. The only person who will never leave you is you. So, be a friend to yourself! You don't have to be your only friend, but once you have a solid foundation of being ok with just yourself, you won't need to depend on others as much. You'll be better able to enjoy their company without worrying about being abandoned. It won't hurt as much when friends leave, whether it's intentional or just a result of changing circumstances. Of course, this is not an easy thing to just do. As others have recommended, a therapist could possibly help you with this.
I've been in the same situation you describe, and it's taken more than a decade (and me having a complete breakdown and him still not leaving me even though I was a complete mess) for me to finally believe it. I'm guessing you may have had someone in your childhood who told you they cared about you, but their actions later revealed they actually didn't. Exploring those feelings - the real abandonment you did experience - can help you heal and separate current and future experiences from the past.

I work as a psychologist, fears of abbandonment are a lot more common than many think. If you are this afraid I'd recommend going to psychotherapy to sort it out. It can help a lot if you put the effort in.