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No Stupid Questions @lemmy.world
sailordaking @ani.social

how do I become the dullest, most boring coworker so this needy man leaves me alone?

I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything's all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It's like he needs people talking to him constantly.

I am the opposite, I believe: I don't talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I'm open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.

What I've done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I'm working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I'm talking to another person and he asks what we're talking about.

He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don't care about.

I'm torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don't care about his life, but considering the 'offense' this seems too much and knowing me I'd immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

Why am I like this?

97 comments

  • You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.

  • I don't think there's any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you're alright, but that you're just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it's nothing personal, but that's just who you are and you'll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you're feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.

  • Just tell him you don't talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.

    Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don't owe friendliness.

  • If I may rephrase what I’m reading: You don’t want to tell him to leave you alone because you would be upset if someone told you that.

    Here’s the thing: you don’t know that will upset him. TL;DR of the rest of my post: he probably won’t take it the way you would, and I highly recommend being straightforward with him.

    I suggest reading about the difference in Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. Those of us who grew up in a guess culture manage our own actions based on what we think will be acceptable to those around us and won’t even initiate something if it would be deemed inappropriate, so it’s rare we have to be told “no”. Those in ask culture will just ask and be totally fine if told no, because they haven’t already done the pre-work to figure out if their request will be approved.

    One of the best lessons I’ve had in the past few years is that other people don’t respond like me. I mean, that should be obvious. But it came up in the context of being a manager at work with an underperformer. I would be devastated if my boss told me I was not doing well at my job, and so I was terrified of telling my direct report that. I communicated the gaps in her specific actions for months, but we finally got to a point where I needed to have the conversation that I didn’t think the role was the right fit for her. It was one of the hardest days in my career. And she thanked me for it!

    I was so scared because I was imagining how I’d feel hearing what I was going to say. But she’s not me! And instead of being upset, she felt relief to hear someone else say it.

    You’re afraid of being rude, and that shows you have compassion and care for others. But I bet you that this coworker of yours just needs to be told, and not communicating with him is actually less kind.

    A quote from a favorite book series of mine is a take on our “golden rule” through an alien culture: “The Iron Rule: Treat others less powerful than you however you like. The Silver Rule: Treat others as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule: Treat others as they’d like to be treated.”

  • Well, sometimes people just don't ever get it and they need to be told to fuck off in very blunt words. I think that usually poisons the well and dries up further conversation, permanently. But I'm not sure if this is the case here. And that strategy possibly comes with other severe consequences. So I won't recommend it. The mild version of it is to just be direct and honest, skipping any overly kind phrasing.

    Another strategy would be to have someone else talk to him... You yourself seem to be getting nowhere. But maybe he listens to other people, or they're somehow more gifted to get through to people like him.

    What also sometimes works (depending on circumstances) are large headphones. They might be part of your work anyways, if you're doing online-meetings in the office, or you are allowed to listen to music... Either do that and you can't hear him anyways, or just put them on all day and say "Huh?" 200 times a day and see if he picks up on it. Though, this might not work if he's stupid, as well. Or he might start tapping you on the shoulder and invade your privacy even more... Idk. But headphones have worked for me in various situations. Especially if they're big and noticeable.

  • Everyone’s different, you sound like you may loathe this person, but regardless work is not recreation. If needless social interactions are impacting your ability to work, consider talking to your supervisor. Speaking directly to your coworker may offend, exacerbating the issue for you. Give your supervisor an opportunity to resolve it, who should have more experience and/or training in dealing with conflict.

  • Short phrases like "I can't talk, I'm working" and "I don't really want to talk thanks."

    Then ignore them until they leave.

  • I'm torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don't care about his life, but considering the 'offense' this seems too much and knowing me I'd immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

    So instead you'll like youre ruder than you are, hoping he will eventually get it.

    You don't think weeks of having to do this is making you feel worse than perhaps one night of feeling a bit sorry after telling him straight on?

    And I know he will appreciate it eventually if the direct reaction isn't such. You will finally make sense to him. If you're being rude, ignoring him, why don't you understand that might make him want to bring you to a normal level of social contact. That he feels he's done something wrong by just being a chatty person.

    Maybe just tell him you're sorry but you're not as chatty as him and would like to focus.

    And yes, I have also done that to a worker. Told her I'm there to work, not to make friends. Kinda cold? I don't think so. Colleagues, not friends. Co-employees can be friends but don't need to.

  • The easy way: one word answers to everything. This can include just saying yup or nope to every response. I am the kind of person to lean in on obnoxious responses while very much not paying attention.

    The hard way: get HR involved. Inappropriate attempts to get close to you count.

    Example of solution 1: https://youtube.com/shorts/KdmMiZqskzc

  • Have you tried gushing?

    Not just responding, and having a busy conversation, but just not stopping, even interrupting him.

    It wouldn't be my first choice, I prefer direct honesty, but you already tried telling him you're working.

    You could try even more directly saying that you don't want to talk casually at work, but that requires not doing so with anyone, or you might as well just tell him you don't like him and be done with it that way. Which is an option. He is someone you don't like, but I assume you're wanting to avoid that because it's work, so that's the absolute last option.

  • "I get frustrated if my attention gets pulled away from what I'm doing, that's why I focus on my current task instead of talking to you guys"

  • Fight fire with fire. Figure out which topic he doesn’t care about, and start talking about it all the time. Like, literally all the time when he is in the vicinity.

    Could be a new hobby like flying a kite or an obscure interest like the history green colors used in the textile industry. Ideally, you would pick something you can imagine yourself being passionate about. Look up some videos on how autistic people talk about their favorite topic, and you’ll get the idea.

97 comments