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ByteOnBikes @slrpnk.net

1w ago

Depressing awful town

95 comments

Lol I can't believe this is real. How terrible must food be in your city for this to be successful? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altoona-style_pizza
- While originally topped with Velveeta, Altoona-style pizza is popularly topped with yellow processed cheese known as American cheese. The yellow squares of American cheese are a staple of this dish, used instead of the mozzarella or provolone common to other styles of pizza.
  Everything about that paragraph makes me feel ill.
  
  Following the destruction of the hotel in 2013 by fire, other local restaurants began serving Altoona-style pizza
  It could have died there, but they had to do this
  
  Mozzarella is nice though, just that it's mentioned makes me feel a bit better. As if the world isn't broken completely.
  
  I do find it comical that Americans call processed cheese “American”
  
  That passage explains the what , but nothing can explain the why.
  
  This made me discover Velveeta. I wish I hadn't.
  
  Lol, I do eat this type of cheese with grilled cheese... But this application is disgusting.
- Fixed that for Wikipedia:
  
  Fun fact, you can trigger Wikipedia editors by changing the page in developer console and posting a screenshot of it, they'll scramble to revert a change that doesn't exist.
- The most successful businesses in Altoona when I lived there in the early 2010s were drug rehabilitation centers. All the factories closed, and the town is slowly dying.

American cheese on pizza? that's the kind of thing I would do if I'm down to the last two items in the kitchen, and feel too lazy to go shopping, but still would hate it
- That's the type of thing you make if you have nothing else in the fridge and you can't go out to get anything else. And you'd keep that shit quiet and never admit to it to anyone.
  
  Like Kenji's smash burgers, "held together with hope and American Cheese"
- cook with it? yeah
  call it pizza? nope

there's no excuse for making a bad pizza. It's pizza, it's very hard to do it wrong
- Yeah like, just don't call it a pizza and we're good. Call it an "Altooner" or whatever, but don't soil the good reputation of pizza with whatever this creation is.
  
  Altoona melt
- Misc toppings on bread dough with some kind of cheese is probably thousands of years old.
  
  If memory serves right a round bread with toppings is semi important in the Aeneid. Which assuming it isnt based off of older traditions means its at least 2000 years old, though I dont know if Virgil was pulling from older shit so I cant say for certain. Also I dont know if cheese was in Italy by that point.
- The only people who say this are people who have never had good pizza before.
  The "iT's PiZzA, sO iT's GoOd" crowd drive me nuts. You would probably put ketchup and Velveeta on a Ritz cracker and call it a pizza. Have some standards, my dude.
  
  I do have standards. It's easy to make good pizza, you'd have to be an idiot with zero culinary skills to mess it up

This is a fucking culinary crime.

Y'all better be careful or you're going to fall down a rabithold of locally celebrated yet disgusting pizza in PA. It's like a whole thing there.
- I knew PA was evil, but I never knew just how horrible.
  I am biased being from NJ, but these pizzas vindicate me!
- I propose the removal of Pennsylvania, except Philadelphia theyre chill.
  
  its cuz PA west of the Appalachins is basically the midwest. it's like having next door neighbors from Iowa
  
  Weren't they a murder capital for a bit?

Is this town filled with broke stoners or something?
- Broke stoners in rural Pennsylvania? Say it ain't so!
- Dunno about this particular area of PA, but the areas I am familiar with... the answer is meth.

This is not pizza.

Not even pineapple could save that.

Hello? I would like to report a crime against humanity.

I mean, sandwich bread, tomato sauce, ham and cheese on top, it's not a pizza, it's a microwaved 3am sandwich
- Not cheese. Kraft fucking singles
  
  Kraft singles are still cheese. They've just been pasteurized and adulterated with sodium citrate.
  That actually makes them super useful in making a cheese sauce.
  Add a few slices to a queso and it will not break.
  You fat. Smooth cheesey sauce that comes out perfect every time.
  You can make sodium citrate with lemon juice and baking soda. Lime juice also works. Really any citric acid.
  Anyway, you don't need much to make cheese melt smoothly.
  
  When night munchies comes... You don't care about quality of ingredients, anyway it's just a slapstick sandwich and not a pizza, only "crime" they do is calling it pizza and pricing it as such, if it was marketed as cheap slapstick sandwiches on the go, i don't think anyone would have problems with that
- Yup. This is a stoner snack.
  
  True that

I'm Austrian and I feel betrayed
- I'm italian, my day is ruined.

Yeah, it's not a great town

And they say white people have no culture.
Grand sweeping gesture
- No-one ever talks about white on white violence

Every person I've shared Altoona pizza with ironically has ended up unironically liking it, so I don't know anymore. I've never actually had it myself. Maybe this isn't any worse than Hawaiian pizza or cauliflower crust pizza?
At the end of the day though, this is just a regional food - like Cincinnati chili or Chicago hot dog - only after all the good ideas are taken, this was what was left. If they can sell one to everybody passing through Altoona just once, they've made a fair amount of money.
- Cincinnati chili is beloved by Cincinnati, though...

Are those fucken Kraft singles? That's deplorable and I am disgusted beyond the spiritual realm.

I mean to be clear I'm from altoona and I've never seen pizza like this.

I’d hork down a barrel of sketchy dicks before I’d let this abomination inside of me.
- I'm not trying to judge, but your bar for that might be slightly too low.
  
  I’d wolf down a barrel of sloppy dicks. Also, I don’t really care for this pizza

There better be chilli fries under that cheese

I'm the one to do gross shit like dip a dill pickle in mayonnaise at 3am, and even this looks objectively horrifying to me

Honestly this doesn't sound like it would taste all that bad. Thick crust, tomato sauce, green bell pepper, fried salami, and Velveeta cheese? That's gonna be pretty tasty. Calling it pizza might be the biggest issue, maybe something like open faced pepper sandwich would be better.
- Calling Velveeta "cheese" is pretty bad
  
  Urgh, here in Canada they tried to trick us with "delux" kraft dinner. Velveeta is so bad that I avoid name brand KD to this day due to one time over a decade ago. How in the artificial fuck do americans eat that stuff?
- Stop
- I mean, you just described a thick crust hot pocket. Which isn't bad. It ain't good, but it ain't bad.
  Pretty much, any combination of bread, cheese, and tomato sauce is edible. The salami is just there for texture
- I bet you also think health insurance CEOs are hard working, upstanding members of the community.

Mayon-egg

Would you like a stroke?
Say what?
Would you like a pizza with a side of stroke hun?
Nah, but can I get it will a double pounder heart attack? And a side of diarrhea? I'm trying to keep my height to weight ratio.

Heart disease
- I don't think it's any less healthy than ordinary pizza. Just tastes like trash.
  
  Cheddar has more calories and fat than mozzarella. It's also more processed and has more additives.

The American Cheese with Pizza

that tweet reply is just 👄🤌

There are appropriate uses of government cheese product. This is absolutely not one of them.

It's ok. Our fellow Americans just don't understand the meaning of the word pizza.
-- yurobro

95 comments