5mo ago

My mom always tells me it's my fault when I'm hurt by her because she "didn't know" her behavior was hurtful

Sorry this isn't really a question

She doesn't listen when i tell her how i want to be treated. I don't owe her an explanation about why it hurts. It should be enough to say "this hurts me". She never, ever changes her behavior no matter what i say. It's always my fault when i get hurt.

6 comments

It's good that you seem to understand this problem is about her and not you. This sort of behavior is usually driven by some form of mental illness. She may not be able to change her behavior. Whatever the cause, it is not you.
You are experiencing a form of psychological abuse. Protect yourself as best you can. Even when you know, on an intellectual level, that she is being abusive, it's hard not to react to it emotionally. Find some people who can understand the problem, whether they are family, friends, or counselors. It helps to have outside perspectives and it definitely helps not to feel like you're alone in dealing with it. You may find it beneficial to get counseling for yourself.
I wish you all the best.

My mom is the same way. I've actually spelled it out for her multiple times with multiple examples.
"When you do this, it affects these people in this way."
And all I got was "Why are you so mean to me? It's not MY fault they took it personally!"
I haven't cut her out completely, but I don't reach out to her unless I ABSOLUTELY have to.
I feel for you. It took me 40 years to learn how toxic she is, and it's not easy to watch someone who you thought was there for you become the biggest villain in your life.

Some people are like that, unfortunately. It's never their fault, never their turn to grow and change. Most people expect their parents to be ultimate protectors and the ones to encourage their children's flourishing, but many are often unwilling or unable to change as their children change.
Sounds like you've tried setting boundaries, and she just ignores them. The best thing to do might be going limited- or no-contact to protect yourself. Sucks that that's the case, but part of having healthy relationships is meeting somebody halfway, and if she can't do that, then you should feel justified changing the nature of that relationship.
- Most people expect their parents to be ultimate protectors and the ones to encourage their children’s flourishing, but many are often unwilling or unable to change as their children change.
  One of my personal milestone measurements of becoming and adult is realizing that your parents aren't ultimate "anything". They're just people like you are. They make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but sometimes not. When each of us has grown up and has our shit together, there should be a recognition that they are not your superiors, but your simply your peers. I personally think this is healthy because it doesn't hold parents to any high expectation, but also allows us to forgive their faults like we would our peers. Also as peers, you can choose you don't want to share your life with them. Thats your choice as an adult.

Strongly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, PsyD. Very insightful and helpful when you find yourself in this situation

Locking as it's not a question. Sorry you're going through that OP but there are other communities to get support.

6 comments