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Women of Lemmy, how to pleasure someone that does not enjoy any clitoris stimulation?

Well, as the title says, I'm facing an issue that I'm not sure how to improve.

My partner does not enjoy any sort of clitoris stimulation, I tried everything from rough to gentle, from fingers to tongue, with lube and without. It seems that she truly does not enjoy it in anyway.

She does enjoy penetration very much and I put all of my efforts there, but I feel like I can't get her to an orgasm/higher pleasure and while she is satisfied right now I fear that over time she wont be.

So my question is what else can I do? There are some other pleasure areas that we use such as ears, emotional connection, fantasies, dirty talk, etc.

Maybe something I haven't tried on the clitoris? Maybe something else that can take it to the next level? Maybe something that she can do? Maybe just accept that this is okay? Again, she does enjoy herself a lot and is completely satisfied as far as I know, but as I'm her first I think that she is missing out on a level of pleasure that I can't figure how to help her achieve without the clitoris.

ETA: she does not masturbate, so no guidance or hidden methods on her part.

72 comments

  • Hello. I might be of a similar build as your partner. And here is the key question: Is she able to pleasure HERSELF via clitoris YES or NO?

    Personally my answer for this is yes, but so far I've never met anyone who could do this for me without some heavy guidance. I would absolutely NOT enjoy my clit rubbed roughly or gently, with fingers or tongue, with or without lube. Thinking about it alone makes me wince. The clit you see is always like the tip of the iceberg, there is a very sensitive part poking but there is a much larger nerve network underneath. Most people seem to find pleasurable working with the tip of the iceberg alone, and that's what you seem to have described. But some prefer working with what's surrounding it, and it is still technically clitoral stimulation so that's what my question is about.

    If she tells you the only way she's ever going to orgasm is by penetration, then leave it at that.

    If instead she says yes she can but that it is too difficult to explain/guide someone else to do it, then I can give you a few pointers to start exploring. Everyone is different so I can't guarantee what works for me also works in your case though, but it's worth a shot. It took me a while to figure out how my own body worked and I can understand someone just opting to skip the hassle of having to teach another person how to do this especially when getting it wrong can get painful/ kill the mood/ lower their or your confidence/ end in an argument etc.

    • She does not masturbate, so no guidance there.

      It would be super helpful if you can share! It seems that she does not orgasm from anything we have done so far, she is enjoing it and has no complaints, but as I'm her first I think she is missing out on something that she doesn't even know she is missing.

      I am aware if the clitoris actually being this big organ that we only see the tip of, but I have never heard of any way to specifically stimulate it without the tip, just that certain positions, movements, etc, can help.

      • Yeah I've had a look at the other replies and I'm sorry you don't have this knowledge. I gather she is possibly young and you are her first guy, so take it easy.

        So I'll tell you a few things that work for me but bear in mind if she really isn't sensitive this is going to be a waste of time.

        One thing to keep in mind is that touching yourself doesn't feel the same as being touched. Try to tickle your own armpits. You're going to have to put some effort into it to feel the tickles, and you probably won't flinch. Now compare that to someone else tickling you. Different sensation and reaction, right?

        Something similar happens with other parts as well. I usually prefer massaging right next to the clitoris, and my own fingers in that area are just fine. Someone else's though, are not. Things feel either a bit painful or numb and it's just annoying.

        To get around this, some indirect stimulation is good. One thing that works is covering the clit with the labia majora. Once it's protected and buried there, the other person can massage vigorously or gnaw and it's pleasant, for me at least. Now flesh is different in everyone so this may not be an option for some people.

        You can also try a vibrator and keep a good distance from the clitoris (this may change depending on the toy used) but don't think you need to use it closely. I'd suggest applying pressure with it against her body and keep it at least 10 cm away from the clitoris, then gauge if it needs to be moved.

        Finally, lordosis! Some positions may be more pleasant than others. For me it's always doggy since I find the more I arch my back and lift my butt up, the better it feels around the general area of the clitoris. I've found women who agree with me in this, those who strongly disagree and those that shrug so again, YMMV.

        I hope some of this helps, good luck there.

  • Anecdotal, and not a woman personally, but I’ve had a similar experience from days long gone; ultimately we ended up trying out different toys and the sucking sort of vibrator with lower settings was what got her past the “block”, but it was via masturbation. We’d only move it to our together time after she got comfortable with the sensation and desensitized, as she described it. In our part of the world the main brand name for this kind of toy was “satisfyer”, not sure if that is global though.

    After a while it all just clicked and it became something more familiar to me too, with fingers and tongue (though she did still prefer sucking over licking, which for me as a young man back then was new, but very much a priceless enlightenment and a much appreciated skill I later had time to hone more) ultimately joining in and it all becoming something more familiar to my less experienced younger self.

    What I’ve learnt since though, is that everyone is so wildly different, that just simply masturbating together, or learning to, if the other party/parties aren’t experienced there, has been key to lasting mutual satisfaction. And people and their needs/wants change over time, that’s also important to keep in mind. And masturbation is the thing that naturally reflects that. Just talk, talk, talk, and then experiment. Try and keep an open mind, and try to be accommodating. Change and new things take time. Try your best not to get frustrated or load too much expectations into the process. And try and understand the other party/parties are the ones having a harder time coming to terms with the fact that they could not meet your initial expectations. They have a lot of pressure due to this, though it’ll ultimately be mutually beneficial.

    Also I’ve noted that it’s so easy to fall prey to thinking that you’re the one giving or somehow “improving” their life here, but this is, in fact, your need that needs to get satisfied. You want her to feel things she does not currently. It’s not a bad thing, this is how life is when you share it with someone, but do not think you are being the giving party here. This is your need, which she either chooses to accommodate and figure out together, or not. And you might best start accepting that this experiment might not lead anywhere, and that you might have to change your expectations accordingly.

72 comments