3mo ago

I love children's sense of humour

171 comments

Heheh, this shitpost triggers me.
My mom was forcing us a macrobiotic diet back in the day. We were strictly vegan, although fish is allowed in that diet, some vegetables like patatoes and tomatoes are not. Hardcore vegans…
My school lunch was mostly sushi with a filling of fermented prune called umeboshi, or tempeh and seaweeds, pumpkin or rice balls and sesame seeds. We were underfed, yellow flaky skin because of the overdose of carotene and you see everyone around you in school eating candy, fries, meat and what not while also taking the piss at you for being different and stinking of that diet.
At dinner I use to bury my Iziki seaweed in the plant pot because I just couldn't swallow that shit without gagging. If I did not behave mom would go…”you're behaviour is to yang, next two weeks on a yin diet”. Disgusting.
By the age of 12, me and my sister got into stealing money from our parents real quick to buy normal or fast food, annoying the guy at the snackbar on wheels for free fries, shoplifting and shit. Yeah, good times.
- Oh, and this is not a rant against vegans, everyone is welcome at my house, if you are good anybody. I even have pots and pans that never touched meat. I will serve you any grilled vegetables, beans, salads and vinaigrettes, pesto's and bread, or baked patatoes and what not. I used to cook vegan for the homeless here in Amsterdam when I was mostly homeless and squatting myself in what we call squatting cafe’s.
  
  You are living up to, and by my estimation exceeding, your username. Sorry to hear you had a rough childhood. Glad to hear that things are better - you sound like an awesome host.
  
  That's a batshit insane diet, not a vegan one. Fish allowed but potatoes and tomatoes forbidden? What is the logic here? Or is this just some weird "diet" that's supposed to make you more "pure" or something?
  
  Having separate cookware is really considerate n_n
  
  Obligatory Mitchell and Webb: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JpRmmMyNYo
- that's why i hate religious restrictions
  
  Yes I agree.
  Not only the diet, but the whole cult around it. Faith healers, homeopathy, people chewing on brown riceballs for an hour counting how many chews they had so they can show off how far they are on their macrobiotic spiritual journey. “You gotta chew your seaweed at least a 100 times”. These mf’s should not be around kids or have any (yes I would not exist). I am not on speaking terms and won't open the door for my parents, get fucked.
  
  Don't confuse that with veganism though
- Why the forbidden potatoes and tomatoes?
  
  Everything in the genetic family of nightshade. Solanaceae.
  “Fruits including tomatoes, tomatillos, eggplant/aubergine, bell peppers and chili peppers, all of which are closely related members of the Solanaceae.”
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solanaceae
  All the delicious plant based stuff snuffed out in a macrobiotic diet.
- I have no words, I'm sure you've heard it all. Thanks for sharing this story and sorry for your childhood. Hope you're healing.
  
  Thank you for caring, that is better than anything spoken.
- I'm curious why fish was allowed and why tomatoes weren't, do you know what their reasoning was?
  
  Beats me, maybe a land animal was more scentient than anything out of the sea. There are vegetarians having no problem eating fish.
- That's a diet that's avoiding nightshades not a vegan diet. Some people think nightshades can trigger inflammation or autoimmune diseases but there really isn't any evidence about it. Some people with irritable bowel disease fine nightshades trigger flare ups but that's about all I've heard of.
  
  Another one to add to the list, Mast Cell Activation Disorders can have a huge variety of triggers, so much like IBS, individuals and may notice a connection between nightshades and their mast cell flare ups.
  One of the main treatments for MCAS is simply an elimination diet to identify riggers followed by avoiding triggers for the rest of your life.
  There are some MCAS patients who have to be entirely prescription formula fed because they have so many obscure dietary triggers.
  Unlike IBS which can be debilitating, but rarely life threatening, MCAS causes anaphylaxis, so it can appear like a real allergic reaction to food, and it functionally is, it's just not a true IgG or IgE allergy to a specific protein chain.
- Man, some things other people probably just couldn't understand. Like I'm imagining a friend coming up to you and asking if you wanted to come over for dinner and being like, "were having your favorite, spaghetti again." With your mom right there. Then you taking hell for it and your friend never knowing what they did wrong.
  I had a friend who's fridge was always packed with awesome asain food. We would be there and he would be like ah, man, we got nothing to eat. I'm like, what about all this? He, was like nah let's have frozen burritos or some shit. I miss that kid so much.
- Holy shit bro, that’s crazy!
- Sounds like your parents, and mother in particular suffered from (and still do?) mental illnesses, no? I mean, to me it sounds like a situation that should have been picked up on by adults, teachers, etc, that would see you, see what you looked like, how you behaved, what you were eating... That's not normal, period. I'm sorry for you having to go through all that. I thought I had it bad, but at least I had a nice home to come to

They're not wrong though
- Hmm, does it count if the animal (human, in this case) could be omnivorous, but chooses not to be for whatever reason?
  
  Herbivores can be carnivorous. I've seen plenty of videos of horses and cows cromching on baby chickens.
  
  That's how I see it. I'm a vegetarian omnivore, if my life depended on it I would eat meat.
  
  I like to think of the distinction in a de jure vs de facto way.
  If all the evidence we have of a species is them consuming autotrophs, then we do mental gymnastics and induce that they are 100% herbivores.
  Of course this also leaves room for an herbivore's potential to consume heterotrophs, in which case our knowledge would have to update and reflect reality. Maybe 99% herbivore, 1% carnivore.
  And at that point, we may still do mental gymnastics and call species herbivores because that is their normal behavior, where their abnormal behavior is shown due to abiotic or biotic factors, perhaps from loss of habitat or removal/introduction of species in the food web, etc.
  Edit: for humans, I'd say we can classify different humans differently because of the times we live in (it's so easy to be a vegan nowadays) and our natural, higher moral concepts and empathy.

When I left my old workplace my colleagues organized a good-bye meal together. Standard office job, with regular guys. We had a great relationship and they knew I was vegetarian for 5+ years at that point and never had any issue with it.
So they asked which restaurant I would like to go and I was stupid enough to let them choose.
We ended up in a specialized Brazilian meat restaurant, where the servers go around with absurdly large pieces of grilled/fryed meats and would carve a piece to the guests. If you are a meat lover you can have easily 10-15 types of meats in a couple of hours.
Those assholes had a huge grin on their faces all evening, as I could only eat the sides from the buffet and had to refuse all meals from the servers about 12 time that evening. It was a truly memorable night, we even got drunk and laughed our asses off on our way home.
So yeah, not just kids can be assholes. We are still in contact till this day.
- That's pretty fucked up. I love Texas de Brazil but I wouldn't bring a vegetarian friend there to watch me hurt myself on all you can eat meat.
  
  While celebrating them, no less
  
  To be fair the place had a great buffet with a large selection of sides and great cocktails, I ended up eating mac and cheese, curly fries and some salad. Even tried some grilled seasoned pineapple so it was at least memorable.
  This place was called Nabrasa.
- I mean, that's fucked up and hilarious. I'm a dirty omnivore and those places are no more appetizing to me. Those cuts at the all you can eat Brazilian places SUCK.
  But surprisingly, when I want a predictable vegetable side while I'm traveling, I go to a steakhouse. Every other place seems to serve either microwaved bag veggies, fried bullshit, or something sad smothered in sauce. Go to a steakhouse and I can get a rare well seasoned aged filet and two steamed fresh vegetable sides plus a salad. The only reliable vegan places I've found are Indian, which isn't bad, but is often not really to my taste. Obviously I'm no vegan, but I think it's fair to say I love plant based foods even more as long as they're not fake meat, fake cheese, or overly spiced mush. In a meat centric region that's a hard palette to satisfy sometimes.
  
  There are vegan and vegeterian-owned restaurants that are pretty good, but the omnis don't know about them until they are dragged there. And I get it...you don't really go looking for vegan or vegetarian food, specifically, when you're omni.
  One place I like has this amazing house-made seitan pastrami that they use in a Reuben sandwich, and more recently a Reuben pizza. They also got this bomb mushroom quesadilla.
  Same guy owns an adjacent vegan cafe/bakery/juice bar...has awesome cupcakes and this jalapeño cornbread that's just fucking amazing.
  
  Can agree, steak fries and steamed veggies are usually great at steakhouses.
- That's 15-20 different types of meat not in a few hours,ore like in 30 minutes. They're awesome restaurants if you're not a vegetarian, your coworkers are dicks.

I hated school before, but getting trash thrown at me and I was the one called to the office to stop what I was doing.
- I went to a private elementary school where I had the same teacher for 1st through 6th grade. Not only did the kids bully me, so did he. And he encouraged the other kids to do it, even my friends. I'm relatively certain, looking back on it, that it was in part because I'm Jewish.
  He also once did something that would 100% have put him on a sex offender list today. Once I started crying because of how they were treating me and he put me on his lap and kissed me on the cheek and started calling me a little baby. But it was the 80s, so apparently that was okay.
  I discovered he had an email address a while back and I sent him an email telling him that he fucked up my childhood and that he, as a professed Christian, now knows that he will go to his grave unforgiven because there is no possible way he could do enough to earn my forgiveness.
  He replied, I deleted it without reading it. Fuck him.
  The bigoted piece of shit also was in the Peace Corps in the Cameroon and because of that, thought it was totally appropriate to dress in the traditional clothing of Cameroonian people every Halloween. Unsurprisingly, the two Jewish kids and the two black kids in school were treated the worst by him. One of the two black kids was a girl who very definitely had dyslexia. Wow did he humiliate her over it constantly.
  The funny thing is that he basically terrified me into not explaining what he was doing to my parents explicitly enough. They saw weird signs, but also always told me that I'd be treated worse in public school, which was proven untrue when I went to middle school, because as shitty as middle school kids are to each other, at least the teachers generally didn't take the side of the bullies and encourage them to bully harder. They only knew when my mom ran into one of the people I went to school with in a supermarket who told my mom that she felt so bad for me when we were in that hellhole.
  
  Wow. Im sorry that happened to you.
  I had a rough middle years in public school, but the teachers were always supportive, and I cant imagine not having that while students were bullying.
  Even more so encouraging it....
- And then they wonder about school shootings... oh well...
  
  Are you suggesting that an appropriate response to someone throwing rubbish at you is to shoot this person?

A 12 year old drew a recognizable picture of another 12 year old? Doubt it.
- You just pick something obvious and over elaborate on it. Big glasses, bright blue hat, etc also kids are mean, so pick a flaw, same idea.
  
  Or write their name on it.

I wish I was compared to a cow. People usually tell me I resemble a jackass.
- They’re also herbivores…
  
  With violence, I have seen donkeys throw around coyote corpses like its a toy.

Not like this would be any better in private schools tho...

Well they're not wrong...

would this text land differently if "public school" were replaced with "school"? 🤔

Neurotypical here, i just find it funny without context. Its just a joke if its not malicious. The thing is, theres a line between funny nicknames and namecalling but sadly school kids often overstep it. Thats why school should teach them that its not okay. For example with my past waterpolo team it was a kind of "friendship language". My nickname was bird or angrybird but we had all kinds of things like: microwave, hamburger, etc(all in hungarian tho because im from hungary) .
- I wish we used Magyar nicknames in our American locker room. I was big delicious but I don't know what that'd be in Hungarian.
  
  Id say "nagy és finom" or "a nagy finom" are the best translations i can come up with.

They're out of line, but they're not wrong.

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The fact that 5 kids knew well enough about the OP's vegan status to use them as an example meant that the person probably never shut up about it.
- Or they saw him eating differently at lunch, and asked their parents why.
  
  Makes too much sense, probably the victim's fault instead /s
- If they were classmates this info would be common knowledge after a few meals together.
- Or you know he turned down meat offered or was asked why he ate different food?
- There's always a person who can't just take the joke
  Vegans bad, we get it. How dare they to live according to their moral beliefs
  
  Living to their beliefs is not a problem. Them trying to impose their beliefs however.... I still remember a guy who described my meal as disgusting and mumbled something about murder.
- They were literal children, and it wasn’t their choice. I’m pretty sure the “I’m better than you because I don’t eat meat” shit doesn’t start until at least junior high.
  
  Does anyone actually say that?
- Unfortunate that you are downvoted to shit. This was my first thought as well. Kinda cements the " vegans can do no wrong" opinion about themselves.
  
  From the Vegan Bullshit Bingo:
  #30 How do you spot a vegan?
  Haha @hobowillie, that's hilarious! Mostly by what you also recognize human rights, women's and all other activists by: They talk about the grievances they have discovered and want to fix. By the way: Often vegans can also be recognized by the fact that they peacefully eat their soy schnitzel at the barbecue until someone, driven by their own bad conscience, has to make a comment about it and is suddenly angry at vegans for some reason after they have calmly and kindly explained their motivations upon request.
  #54 Vegans think they are better than everyone
  While it feels good to know that you have questioned traditions and made your own informed decisions in line with values that reject violence rather than promote it, you should not get on a high horse, because almost all vegans were once not vegan and everyone can take this step. However, completely refusing to address the issue is a difficult stance to take. By the way: Just because a vegan once told you an uncomfortable truth, they were not being mean to you. And even if you didn't like a vegan once, that doesn't question the whole point of veganism or justify continuing to exploit animals.

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