4mo ago

How do I alleviate bitterness due to lack of intimacy?

I have given up trying to find a girlfriend. Even though, I am outgoing, have hobbies (I dance, which is actually filled with women), go to parties, talk to plenty of women. But I keep hearing the same thing over and over again: "I am just not so into skinny guys."

I think this is fair from the woman's perspective. I for one am only motivated to date attractive women. So, them not wanting to settle for less actually makes very good sense to me. There is absolutely no hate or bitterness regarding that. Fuck all that: 'all women are removed'-noise.

That being said, I think I should just consider myself celibate by virtue of my own standards. But now bitterness is starting to take hold of me. Bitterness about my life and to me as a person. As I said I am very outgoing and don't want to become the cynical asshole around my friends.

So how do I stop this?

Edit: I go to the gym on a regular basis.

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114 comments

"I'm not so into skinny guys" sounds like an excuse, if you are getting it a lot I think there is something else going on here, not all women even have a type and some surely like skinny guys, some of the hottest men I've been with were so skinny, it can be a very attractive look on a man.
Since you say it's your own standards, what do you mean? Do you think you are sort of batting out of your league looks-wise? You are already dancing so your body is probably in good shape, is there anything else that makes you think you are not physically attractive? May I ask how old you are?
You are outgoing and social, perhaps try practicing flirting? Like, without trying to take it any further?
- Do you think you are sort of batting out of your league looks-wise?
  Yes, definitely.
  is there anything else that makes you think you are not physically attractive?
  My arms and legs are particularly skinny, like Ballerina level skinny.
  May I ask how old you are?
  I am 24 years old
  You are outgoing and social, perhaps try practicing flirting?
  I find flirting difficult. Because I never want to make it obvious and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
  
  You're very young to have decided that a partner will never happen for you.
  The very best thing you can do is socialize without expectation of partnership and learn to have fun and enjoy flirting with people without the intention of following through. When you can get with a bunch of friends, laugh and flirt and go home alone and feel good about it, like appreciate the joy inherent in those moments without ruining it by pining for more... you will be doing yourself two favors.
  One, you'll stop feeling like not dating is celibacy - it's just where you're at.
  Two, you'll become much more attractive to potential partners, and you'll find folks won't care so much about your looks. The vibe will be way different, for real, because of the self-confidence inherent in enjoying your life without needing anything from anyone else.
  Bonus - You might find, by flirting with people you have no intention of sleeping with, that your tastes expand. Just don't tell a woman you're not following through because she doesn't meet your physical standards, that will get you in a dating blacklist in no time.
  
  Your last statement stands out to me. Have you considered that it's the way you interact with whoever you're interested in? Rather than your looks? Are you nervous, self-conscious, whatever? I'm asking because you keep insisting that your interested in individuals out of your league. That thought would make me nervous. And on the flip side self-consciousness or awkwardness or nervousness or whatever is not very attractive. Socially it's more acceptable to rejected someone based on looks though.
  
  Have you considered that it’s the way you interact with whoever you’re interested in?
  Are you nervous, self-conscious, whatever?
  I honestly have never thought of it in great detail. But where would I be able to get feedback on this?
  
  Any trusted friend who's been around to witness you meeting new people should be able to tell you.
  
  This helps. First, I think work on your own self confidence. A dancer's build is an ideal body type for a whole bunch of people. If you feel like more definition in your arms would help YOU (I don't think it's the sticking point looks wise but might help you see your own hotness), do push ups, and weighted squats and lunges will help with the dancing, skinny is the easiest body type to get into shape, such a small adjustment.
  On the flirting, yes obvious is good, and funny, remember you are just practicing here and enjoy yourself. Subtle is likely to be missed.
  On your actual question, I am older so have been through dry spells and remember feeling frustrated way more than bitter. Build a good life you enjoy, and it may be attractive to others, or perhaps not, but either way you will have a good time. I don't mean there aren't external forces, but your own attitude and actions are what you have the most control over.
  
  'I never want to make it obvious'
  This is a huge red flag to women, what you're essentially doing is trying to create a power imbalance where you maintain the safe and defended position of acting not interested while they take all the social risk of putting themselves out there. This gives you a much better position in any conversation or disagreement and it allows you to hold the power of humiliation over their head - a situation no one wants to be in.
  The fact you're targeting women in this way that you feel are more attractive than you exacerbates it because it makes it seem that you don't really care about them at all and just want to tick the hot gf box.
  People often say that women hit on men in happy relationships and this is somewhat true but not because they're horny homewreckers but because the guy has stopped acting creepy and manipulative towards them and just seem like decent normal people. When you say you don't flirt what you mean is difficult to tell because you're obviously targeting these women and talking to them, even asking them out and getting rejected apparently so I don't know what you're actually doing but it's not acting normal, friendly, and like you consider them anything but a target to throw your Pokeball at.
  No one, including you, wants to date someone that doesn't make them feel good and add to their lives in a positive and joyful way - in what world does 'you're hotter than me therefore I want you as a possession I can have sex with' make someone feel any of those things? That's the vibe they're getting when you refuse to give them even just flirting, who is going to say 'oh i met this guy, he's cold to me and makes me kinda feel awkward I can't wait to spend more time with him'
  Make someone feel good, enjoy spending time with you, and demonstrate that you're the sort of person worth getting to know better - which by the way includes being open to self change and personal improvement. Let them see that they will be happier in a relationship with you than not being in a relationship with you.
  And this means also that you have to find someone that will be happier in a relationship with you, women aren't interchangeable and they exist on a much more complex scale than 'hot body = value' which is where your head seems to be stuck, looks are one of the least important parts of a relationship which is lucky for a skinny ballet arms boy like you... you need someone you can talk to, can laugh with, can feel safe with, can grow and explore with.
  And yes if you don't want that sort of relationship and want a woman that only cares about outward appearance then get jacked and earn a shit load of money, seems like a miserable life to me but I'm in love with a fat woman (who I admit is very attractive) because we understand each other and support each other and enjoy each other in ways I never even knew possible - we bonded over shared interests, fell in love over long and tender conversations, and worked through difficulties by being honest and caring.
  
  No one, including you, wants to date someone that doesn’t make them feel good and add to their lives in a positive and joyful way - in what world does ‘you’re hotter than me therefore I want you as a possession I can have sex with’ make someone feel any of those things?
  What I meant was I don't make it obvious not because I want to make them feel unloved or something but to prevent making them feel uncomfortable. I talk and treat everyone like we're just friends (because for the most part we just are). If the woman from her end shows she's interested in me than I try and go along with it.
  But I am here to learn, so could you then please tell me how do you properly flirt with someone then?

114 comments