You can have any superpower, but the first person to reply chooses a side effect

Each day you don't poop, you lay an egg that hatches into a random monster. The egg is indestructible.

You have to post about it online and keep the community updated on your progress, becoming the first widespread Lemmy meme

You already can -- immodium

But when you eventually poop your in the middle of human a human centipede

You can talk to animals now. I think what you mean is you want them to be able to talk too.

But only about collecting stamps.

Your already can talk to animals. We all understand you.

You can talk to animals, but it includes insects and birds... and you can't shut their conversion out for some peace and quiet

you can talk to animals, but they don't want to (they are very prejudiced)

You can talk to them but they can't understand you.

Everytime you talk to an animal, every moving living being around you looks like the animal you talked to for the next 2 hours.

Their debt transfers to you.

The debt alwaye gets randomly assigned to another person

removal of debt happens by way of destruction of banking infrastructure. this may or may not be related to other harm

-- this is actually how quite a lot of people got debts cleared on 9/11 (this was before offsite backups)

Turns out, the books you touch are actually quite satisfied and content.

It only works if you touch it with your penis.

The title of the book appears somewhere on your skin, and if removed you will forget any knowledge from that book, whether you obtained it through reading or your power. The titles must be legible, and cannot overlap.

but you must feel a paper cut from every single page of knowledge

Every book you encounter will always be written in a language you don't speak.

... but every page becomes blank just before you touch it.

You become deaf and blind

granted. you can understand everything, but when you respond, you choose wrong (related, but not mutually intelligible) language every time

Your mouth becomes sealed shut for 8 hours whenever you secrete custard.

You constantly forget to wash your hands.

Only when orgasming

The custard is rancid.

Will calls the police and you are arrested.

You're an admin on reddit

But your side effect is infinite power.

you are still bound by laws of physics

But it still only works if magic actually works and if it doesn't, then you just understand really well how you would have used magic, if it were actually real.

but for everyone, including yourself.

But unfortunately you can't start it again.

It restarts at random.

You stop time for yourself too.

Time stops for everything that isn't you, including air. You leave a vacuum everywhere you go and can never stay anywhere for long.

You consume the calories of every food by just naming it.

But the delivery guy still wants money for the food you ordered.

You take it from the hungriest person about to eat it, assuming there is someone at the time. You cannot turn this ability off, and it happens even when you aren't referring to the food. I hope those birthday cakes taste good, you monster.

Except you feel the need to always respond to everyone else's conversations. Your timing is impeccable yet everyone comes to resent your witty remarks.

The ability to think is lost

When you have obtained your superpower, you lose your ability to obtain any new superpowers.

.

It will only teleport your body, not your clothes

You are unable to control the ability and will teleport even when you are just be reminded of a place.

Does not teleport your cloths.

Thinking includes dreams and nightmares. You wake up in interesting places.

You don't teleport to the place you're thinking of.

As you get older you keep thinking back to places that no longer exist.

That place is the time you walked in on your parents having sex.

You will arrive naked only - with an urgent need to vomit.

Bees come out of your eyes

But you have to guard an old billionaire's mansion.

Granted, but your thoughts are transmitted to the person looking at you.

But you can poop only once every 3 days.

But only until you sober up.

You die immediately after this

An annoying happy-go-lucky theme song plays for all to hear around you.

... despite having nightmarish diarrhea every hour, on the hour.

Lemmy.ml bans you.

The highest voted side effect applies for all powers obtained in this way.

Everything you touch turns into a potato

Including your own body parts

granted, this happens by actual nuclear transmutation. depending on what you touch you can get small to large explosions and the freshly formed gold is likely highly radioactive

Every attempt at thought or action ends in an omnipotence paradox. E.g., can God make a rock so heavy even he can't lift it?

aa

Having unlimited power means you control everything. You have no time to enjoy your power because you're constantly making sure the laws of physics stay and balance so the universe doesn't dissolve.

You have analysis paralysis. You can do everything, but you can't figure out what you want to do at any given time, so you just do nothing.

You also gain impotence. Congratulations! You now know that you can only be a god by being a paradox

You retain no memories of anything that happened during a time stop. If you go back in time, everyone else remembers things normally, but you forgot that period of time completely.

Severe IBS

You move with time.

When you stop time you cannot move as all the air molecules around you are stopped.

You can only control it one minute at a time and only forward

But the strain and concentration required causes you to dump your drawers.