4mo ago

Dating in the modern world

People keep telling me that dating today is a war zone, facing all kinds of challenges.

Dating apps don't seem to be directly trying to help solve the problem as much as generate revenue. In fact, they are very directly motivated to not make great long term matches.

Some people seem think that just getting out there and hoping for the best is the answer. Maybe that's true, but it's still very random. I was wondering about a hypothetical alternative:

What if you could go to an agency of some kind get rated through a thorough evaluation process? Would that be helpful ? It's not perfect, and many things are hard to measure. But maybe it's a less random starting point and can escape the exclusively money driven approach of dating apps.

38 comments

Go find some co-ed hobbies. Meet someone with similar interests.
- Hobbies? In this economy?
  
  Sure. You just need to find cheap hobbies, like hiking (depending on where you live).

The only people I hear this sort of thing from IRL are also the ones who struggle to get out and make friends.
Lots of the free "third spaces" are gone. Churches are on the decline. The pandemic fucked everyone's socialization up. This isn't just a dating problem, it's a relationship problem.
Paying for a matchmaking service is not a new idea. Someone with no friends and nothing to talk about besides work is still going to have a limited pool of people interested in dating them, even if they pay for matches.
I seriously think most (not all bc there are always special situations) would benefit from getting into some hobbies and maybe therapy rather than expensive matchmaking services.
- Church itself was never my third place, but yea, I feel like third places in general need more love. Going to a physical third place is probably less common these days, yet something we need, both as individuals and as a society.
  There's hobbies places, kinda, but it's a bit less varied in the people there and often less accessible than a traditional third place.
  Online forums are more accessible, but lack other good characteristics of a third place, imho.
  It's obviously not the case for everyone, and I don't mean this as a generalization, but I've seen some people looking for dates who are also a bit too focused on their search, sinking their own ship.
  I didn't meet my wife by hunting for a wife.
  I met her doing fun things with other fun people, in whom I had no romantic interest whatsoever, and we eventually met as friends of a friend and it snowballed from there.
  If you desire romantic companionship, start by making non-romantic friends?
  I'm not saying that's easy either, I know I've often been too drained from work to do much socializing.
  
  I didn't meet my wife by hunting for a wife. I met her doing fun things with other fun people, in whom I had no romantic interest whatsoever
  Been with my husband 23 years, married for 20. I met him when I had given up on romance and was just exploring new hobbies with friends.
  Btw the hobby was swing dancing, and I recommend dance class to everybody. It's fun, active, social, and gives you confidence at weddings and other parties. Finding a romantic partner is just bonus.
  
  If you desire romantic companionship, start by making non-romantic friends?
  I tend to agree. For me, an otherwise unfulfilled person looking for a fulfilling successful romantic relationship is kind of like a poor person trying to become a millionaire. You should take care of your basic needs before aiming for something that, probably, few people ever realistically get to have.
  That said, overwhelmingly, what I want is friendship (love and understanding) but it's much, much harder to find ways to meet people for friendship than a romantic relationship. There is no friendship app on the same level as the dating apps. People who want to get in my pants text back much more reliably than potential friends I meet even irl. I shouldn't complain because having a lot of suitors is a pleasant problem to have but I work unsociable hours and on more days than I care to admit, the only human contact I get outside of work is on dating apps, which is not a happy situation for me.

Dating / marriage agencies already exist. They predate the internet. But there are also some online ones that ask for interests, lifestyle, ... and then do the matchmaking with some algorithms.
Though, I don't know why you mention the money aspect... That's a service that is offered to people for-profit. Usually quite expensive. On the flipside you can be pretty sure the person on the other side is taking it serious if they're willing to pay that kind of money, and not some troll or there for short-term things or other purposes...
- Except that you do not even know if the other person is real at all or just a bot or fake account made to get you to pay money.
  
  Are there agencies who (still) do this? I'm pretty sure that's fraud.

My current wife and I met in our local trap house.
We knew we lived close and had common interests and it’s been amazing!
- Aww SatansMaggotyCumFart, that's so sweet and romantic 😊
- Is that a house that just blasts trap music all day?
  
  It usually means that it's the kind of house where you go shoot heroin and pass out on a dirty mattress next to a complete stranger.

I’ve been with my GF for 2 years next January but we met in college we hit it off as really good friends and frankly I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it and here we are
We’re just two weirdos being weird with half our conversation being inside joke gibberish
I forgot what I was gonna say so there’s my anecdote

I remember hearing about groups on the radio where you go on adventures with other single people looking for someone that seems like a cool way to do it

Dating is completely fucked for introverts and poor people. I heard the same "tips" all the time but those aren't applicable for many people, myself included.

5 years ago I met my wife on Tinder. I swiped with a paid “super like” to get to the front of the line. It worked. I would imagine tinder is still your best bet as far as getting to actually meet someone, but anything more than a bungled meetup is dependent on you not being a shit show, having a little charm, not being completely broke or devoid of motivation, etc. everyone’s mileage is gonna vary.
- +1, if I might math so.

If you don't have income, dating apps are completely useless.

What you describe at least was the entire selling point if the dating site eHarmony. I have a few family members that found their spouse through it, over 20 years ago at this point, for whatever that's worth.

What if you could go to an agency of some kind get rated through a thorough evaluation process?
Those agencies exist, but they all use some algorithms as well, nobody is doing matchmaking by hand. Usually they charge quite a fee to throw your name into the ring, so there's a bit of a (positive) selection bias in the sense that you don't have too many bottom feeders in the pool, but that doesn't make the dating experience any less exhausting.
I'm still thinking that interest-based hobby groups are the best way to find someone like-minded. At least you know from the onset that the person has one thing in common with you...

What if you could go to an agency of some kind get rated through a thorough evaluation process? Would that be helpful ? It's not perfect, and many things are hard to measure. But maybe it's a less random starting point and can escape the exclusively money driven approach of dating apps.
Matchmaking agencies are actually still a real thing. You can pay them to have an actual person look at your file and set you up with other people who apply to the agency. Its expensive but can absolutely be worth it depending on how good the matchmaker is.

Dating is what prostitution would be like if it was developed by EA. Take the same tired PvP mechanics, carve out even more of the core experience to sell as DLC, add gambling mechanics and a monthly subscription and for some reason people still play it.

Love is not a logical thing and applying such rigidity is not a statistically very effective approach. It’s a social thing, dating, and you kinda need to play the game. The upside is that it’s a fun game if you play it right. It is random, and that’s just part of it. I would argue that the randomness is actually one of the main reasons it can be so enjoyable.
Many of the people who might call it a “warzone” are frustrated men, who are mad that women are putting up with less bullshit these days, and those same women who are dealing with a large amount of those entitled, aforementioned men.

The problem is not the how. The problem is that your agency is a company driven by profit. How do you make an agency that's not driven by profit in a capitalist and consumerist society?
- Easy. You either set it up as a nonprofit (still not great in terms of incentives) or, better, as a consumers (or members) cooperative.
  Alternatively, you don't - you modify the incentives. Agency sets a one time, lifetime membership fee. Every failed match they set you up with refunds you a percentage of the balance.
  
  Indeed. I'd add that you need the application open source and respectful of people's data and privacy.
  Then there is another problem : you need people to adopt your application and use it. Because regardless of the qualities, the most important thing is the number of people using the service. That's why Facebook is still not dead for example.

It seems like a lot of younger technical folks keep going to hookup sites in an effort to find a date. Let's be real clear here, hooking up and dating are not the same thing, and you usually don't want to date someone you met at a hookup joint. Go meet people in the real world. Form a friendship with them. Then date them.
- That's not a solution for many.
  
  Why not?

I have never online dated because I'm too old to have done so, and by God I am glad I never will.

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