I know Mormons can't have alcohol, but couldn't they just dip their tongue in a glass of beer and not move it?

I have family in Utah and there's a pretty common joke in this vein.
Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?
Because if you only invite one they will drink all your beer.
- Every Mormon I've ever met is very serious about walking the talk, alone or not. They're probably more serious about following the rules of their religion than any other religion. Well, them and Muslims, but Mormons seem happier doing it.
  
  They're serious about following the rules because their entire social and community structure stresses conformity. If you break the norms of the faith there are serious repercussions and you can lose your entire family, community, and support structure. When they're alone with others who aren't of the faith they are definitely far more lax. I've drank beer and even had chocolate with Mormons before lol.
  
  But do they talk the walk?
  
  While there must certainly be some devout Muslims who try their best to keep the "rules", as I'd expect in any group, a lot of Muslims are not so different frombthe rest of us non-Muslims.
  My coworker is a former Muslim who had to leave his home country due to persecution when he became a Christian. Here, he's made Muslim friends who regularly invite him over for dinner and they serve... Pork. They say because he is not a Muslim, they respect that and don't force him to eat halal. But why does not forcing him to eat halal equate to them eating pork?
  They are genuinely his friends, but he is also their "excuse" to break halal.
  
  How many Mormons have you met?
  
  it can't possibly be that you're more exposed to Mormons, right
- Jews don’t recognize Jesus.
  Protestants don’t recognize the Pope.
  Mormons don’t recognize each other in wendover
- That was the joke about Baptists in my hometown. It was impossible to only invite one since everyone knew everyone's families.

They could also use the poophole loophole.
A tampon soaked in Vodka and inserted anally gets you drunk fast.
At least that's what a friend told me.
- But then some alcohol might get on your magic underwear and then you’re just a run of the mill sinner again
- I've heard it called God's blind spot before but poophole loophole is a great phrase
  
  The poophole loophole usually means something different. They say anal sex doesn't count as "losing your virginity." So they can have all the premarital sex they want, as long as it's in the pooper.
- JD Vance on the stump in Utah: “Tim Walz wants to get your kids drunk with ass tampons”
- You could skip the tampon and just boof it.
  
  I’ll bet you could even get a Supreme Court justice to help with that maneuver.
- Okay. I can’t tell if you’re serious, but if that’s true, how does that work medically?
  Don’t liquids get absorbed through the intestines? Can you even stick something up your butt far enough to reach your intestines?
  
  It’s capillary action. It just rams straight into your bloodstream, no dilution or waiting to go through stomach. It’s fast and effective.
  
  Alcohol gets absorbed by mucus membrane much faster than by going through your digestive tract. And your anus is lined with mucus membrane.
  It was a craze a decade or so ago where I live, cause teenagers did that to get drunk without having their breath smell of alcohol, and some of them ended up in the ER.
  
  Additionally to what others have said it's also quite dangerous. You can drink a fatal amount of alcohol but your body will generally puke before it absorbs enough to kill you.
  Using this method (boofing), you don't have that defense, it's absorbed too quickly and your body doesn't generally shit itself to expel poison.
  
  Colon is part of your large intestine.
  
  This literally was a trend in alternative swiss youth a decade or so ago, it works well and fast, straight into the blood 😂
  
  you've never boofed ketamine?
- How gaped does your ass have to be to easily insert a soaked tampon.
  
  Are your dumps really smaller than a tampon? If they aren't, why do you think your hole would need to be especially gaped?

Its called...soaking...don't Google that
- We know.

You need someone else to shake the glass

This is the type of thinking that could be the next soaking or jump jumping at BYU.
- That's the joke.
  
  I see this so often now, I can't tell if people are honestly that dense or they're intentionally pretending to be. In the spirit of Fry and Andy Dwyer, I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

How long should they let it soak?

I wouldn't want to be the guy standing in front of the Throne of God and saying "But technically..."
- Don't worry there are a whole lot of jewish people that live inside a fishing line perimeter that are going to have to explain that whole racket before you get your chance to talk about soaking.
  For the downvoters:
  https://www.npr.org/2019/05/13/721551785/a-fishing-line-encircles-manhattan-protecting-sanctity-of-sabbath
  
  Religion in general is crazy
  
  My relatively limited contact with Jewish culture has painted a picture in which this kind of technicality is, in fact, part of the culture itself. It's great
  
  Honestly, I kinda love the whole "lawyering with God" thing that Jewish folks have going on. For any religion with restrictive beliefs, there will be adherents who will try to find loopholes. I've been lucky enough to have an upbringing almost completely free from religion (except for a year drinking hot chocolate at a Unitarian Universalist church, which is almost not religion), but I also grew up in a super Mormon part of Utah. I've spent my whole life as a bit of an outsider, seeing people pick and choose which rules to follow and try to discretely find and exploit every little loophole there is. I've always found the hypocrisy a bit unsettling.
  I think I'd really prefer it if the Mormons took the same argumentative stance with their god. It would make the picking and choosing a bit less hypocritical (which might lead to more Mormons ditching some of their religion's shittiest and most regressive teachings), and there'd be a lot less shitty sneaking around.
  
  More than 200 cities around the world are partially encircled by an eruv.
  Partially?
  
  Apparently the God of the Old Testament is extremely pedantic.
  
  TIL