5mo ago

Dating/Hangout Anxieties?

Anyone else get anxiety when waiting for communication on anything soft-planned (or even hard planned for that matter)? Spiraling and all that.

Especially if the person involved is late or didn't respond. Ofc the reaction is to check in, that's what I'd want someone else to do for me if I indicated I'd do something or message someone. However, that can be interpreted as being needy or clingy when really I just want to know the plan and not be left hanging.

Life happens ofc, people gotta cancel plans, that's okay. But what really rubs things wrong is being left without information, that's when the anxiety shoots. Do you wait for them, or go do something else? If you go do something else, what happens when they're suddenly available? That's not respecting my time, so it's rude, but do you convey that?? What if you hinged your day on something, that just throws a big ass wrench in.

Everyone is living their own lives, and things happen, preventing communication. It just feels like it's more common than it used to be, or more... Negligent?

Gah.

I guess /rant really.

13 comments

If I can offer an alternate perspective..
By making such concrete plans you may be ceding too much "control" to someone who you don't yet know will have the same reliance on solid planning or respect for other's time as you do.
So, if that's the case, what can you do about it?
Plan differently.
Plan a one hour "date with yourself" that also works for you + a date.
Example: Make a plan to meet at a coffee shop or cheap bistro near a park... but bring a book/kindle/podcast/homework, or whatever you'd otherwise do on your own.
If they show, cool, you now have topics to discuss. If things are going well, continue over a walk in the park.
If they flake, cool, you've now got a solid hour to do something you enjoy, in a (hopefully) interesting place, and you've done it for cheap... Maybe take yourself on a walk in the park. :)
Hope that helps a bit.
- This is some legit solid advice.
  I love it.
  I always have something I'm working on or doing so bringing a book or a laptop should keep me pretty occupied.
- Agree.
  Setting your own expectations so that you’re never disappointed also helps.
  Anticipate meeting up, so that if it happens, you’re excited. At the same time, anticipate that they may not show up so don’t expect that they will.
  Love the other person but love yourself first. Yes, it’s cheesy and cliché but there’s a reason for that: it works incredibly well in your favour since there’s no way to lose.
  People fail to show up for a variety of reasons. They may have suffered an accident. Their phone might have died and they don’t know how to get to the meet up without it, and have no way of letting you know. They may be stressed and could have forgotten, even if they were really looking forward to it.
  And the kicker, they might be even more anxious than yourself and don’t know how to deal with that.

5-1-0
Plan something 5-days in advance to do something.
Reach out 1-day ahead and ask if they are still up for doing it. It provides them with an out, and opens up your day tomorrow in the off chance that they have to cancel.
On the day of the planned activity, let them know you'll be heading out shortly to meet them at x place at y time.
For extra soft plans (i.e. do you want to get together and study later this evening?), still text before hand about an hour or so as it gives them a quick reminder, and allows you to alter plans.
Communication works both ways, and sometimes people need reminders. If they don't respond, just let them know you didn't hear from them and you're going to do something else. Don't freak out about it. People waffle on things all the time.

Oh boy. Another thing where I am happy to live in germany. No soft-planned things here. If there is a possible appointment (and we pretty much always do appointments to meet each other) we say yes, no, or don't know yet. Only yes classifies as planned. I know that in most other countries in the world this is not the case. I feel like germany is a very autism friendly country compared to most others when it comes to such ambiguous situations I read about online.
- That’s different in other countries? I couldn‘t even imagine planning any other way. What kind of soft-planning are we talking about?

I don’t have answers, but you inspired me to contact someone just now because I was doing just that. Thanks.
- That's great, thank you for doing that!

Yep; anxiety bordering on dread.
But that's true whenever I'm supposed to reach out to anyone or meet up anywhere.
\ My brain just doesn't handle stuff like that in a reasonable way in general.
- Same. The anxiety to dread pipeline is far too strong.
  And just for small things I feel off and withdrawn for a day or two after.
  I hate it, and want to be better, and not become seriously anxious and dreadful.

I will reach out in a lot of cases. If they consider me clingy or needy for asking for them to provide me with a reasonable expectation, then bullet dodged. I only want to date people for whom my need for clear communication and expectations is seen as a boon (because I'll provide the same in return) and not a burden.
- That's a great take.
  It just feels like some people just by default are standoffish and hesitant till they actually meet you. Then they're buddy-bud.
  The scene is fuckin hard:
  1/10 have the (broad) personality types I'm attracted to
  Of those 4/5 don't actually follow through to the point of actually meeting
  Of those maybe 1/3rd share enough of an interests and world-view overlap to strike up good, flowing, conversation. Someone to build a solid friendship with.
  So you're talking 1/125 actual people (Just to get to the starting line), 125 people that required effort to chat with, get to know their personality, showed interest in, and generally had some level of investment in to build a friendship.
  And honestly, I'm not even picky, I'm not mentioning body type here, I didn't even mention gender. Primarily I want a strong intellectual attraction, something you can often even sus out over chat.
  It's a crap shoot, stumbling upon the right kind of person seems easy in theory. But it's incredibly difficult in practice as I'm finding out. Statistically there is an insane, incredibly high, number of people out there that match up well for each of us. However actually finding them is a seemingly insurmountable task, with countless barriers in the way.
  All that said. I agree with your take but also I think that some of the people who end up ghosting are not necessarily bad people they've just been similarly influenced by "the game", and are probably similarly burnt out.

Gunna sneak in here. I have to say that friends are harder to come by now than ever before. But I also live in a place radically known for it's stanky people. So you know, it is what it is. But I still have some brilliant, wonderful and loving folks who remind me every day how wonderful human beings can be. So my suggestion to you here is realize that everyone is a flaky shit, we're all overstimulated and exhausted, people will show you how much they value you with their actions. I think there's something labeled for autistic waiting-mode but I don't remember what it is. The biggest thing I wanted to say is that the people I have loved endlessly in my life have been people with big hearts and a touch of (mayhapsby) neurodivergence or at least being strongly against the grain in nature. I mean I think some of my favorite people alive are bipolar people, and they get treated like absolute plagues of the world by most. So yeah, I think at the end of the day you've got to just find the people who work with you. But yet again, how you do that in this modern era? Hell if I know. If I hadn't laid so many mad roots all over the place I think I would be absolutely puck-ed right now. So it is what it is but godspeed and you've got this!

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