Asklemmy @lemmy.ml

1y ago

Since America is bringing back kings what other kind of stuff is on your medieval wishlist?

262 comments

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords as a basis for a system of government.
- Strange woman here, anyone knows where I can buy swords in bulk, preferably with a pond thrown in? It's for... a personal project.
  
  Are we to believe that famous actress Margot Robbie doesn't have some sort of connection for bulk medieval weaponry?
  I am shocked and dismayed.
  
  Have you tried your local Swords 'R Us? I hear there's a July 4 blowout sale this week. Use promo code Pond50 for half of your pond!
- something something 'watery tart' something.
  You know how to kill any party? Start quoting Monty Python.
  
  He's being oppressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system!
  
  Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?
  
  You sound like a moistened bint to me. Care to decree some governmental officials while you're here?
  
  What has Monty Python ever done for us?
- The woman = Amy Coney Barrett
  The pond = DC swamp
  The sword = Official acts

Guillotines.
- That wasn't really a thing in medieval times. I'm afraid an axe will have to do.
  
  Trebuchet?
  
  It was an instrument used by the burghers in bringing about the end of European feudal lordship, replacing the feudal mode of production with the capitalist one.
  
  It's okay, we're getting rid of history lessons too!
- This might fit in mediaeval times, with the earliest possible recorded use in the 13th century, but it's certainly not well-known until the early modern period and most famous right on the border between early and late modern.
- And the billionaires will be the first to try it out!
- Sic semper tyrranis
- It goes Yah
- y'all qaeda had those on Jan6. They can have 'em.
  Samurai sword. But, probably they all have those as well.

Having most of the year off for festivals and holy days
- Good news: take up subsistence farming, no healthcare, no electricity, and make everything yourself, and you too can have half the year "off".
  
  Don't threaten me with a good time
  
  take up subsistence farming
  Where?
  
  Is Alaska still giving away free land?
  
  So you think in order for people to not work their lives away we would have to take up subsistence farming? With all the tech and machines we have the only viable way to not be a company man is to give away all of the luxuries we currently have?
  How's that Kool aid tasting?
  
  Depending on the state and one's farming capabilities, some people could already be halfway there! At least part of the year

My non-joke answer is apprenticeship. Kids could actually learn how to do a valuable job rather than graduating from high school with almost no useful skills.
- TIL that the US doesn't have apprenticeships. We have them over here in Australia, for the usual trades. But we also regulate a lot of those things - we're not allowed to handle our own electrical work if we're not trade qualified.
  How does it work in the US, if a kid wants to become, say, a plumber?
  
  We do have apprenticeships! For ex: https://www.apprenticeship.gov/apprenticeship-occupations/listings?occupationCode=51-4121.00
- Thats not medieval, thats everywhere exept the US of A.
  Where I live, apprenticeships are officially regulated and for many proffessions you are not allowed to open a business without proper qualification.
  
  The US has apprenticeships as well. Not sure why this person doesn’t think they do …
  
  Trump had an Apprentice
- Don't those already exist in union shops nowadays?
  
  Often, yes, there just aren't enough union shops anymore.
- Wait, you don't it in the US ? Kids who aren't comfortable in school start learning a trade at 14, so by the time they're 18 they have some skills.
  I get that it's a pitty that non everyone reads philosopher or learn about history and science, but on the other hands, some kids are really uncomortable at school, so having them working one week, and going to school one week is an alternative which pulls some student out of the failure cycle
  
  Education in general is quite shit in the US. Apprenticeships, contracts and unions are all things most Americans never experience.

Royal beheadings
- As somebody who lives in a kingdom, yes! Fucking parasites!
  
  Thailand? Or the UK?

Our leaders fighting in the wars they start.
You wanted it... go fucking get it cowards.
- Imagine a king fighting his own battle, wouldn't that be a sight...
  
  On Sep 7, 1944, a group of American pilots was tasked with bombing a radio tower at Chichijima Island in the Pacific theater. The Japanese resistance was strong, and many American planes were shot down. Eight pilots managed to parachute to the ground safely but were caught by the Japanese.
  The Japanese military tortured them and then brutally executed them, in at least one case forcing the prisoner to dig his own grave before killing him. After the prisoners were executed, the Japanese cannibalized them, not due to lack of rations but to show "fighting spirit".
  A ninth pilot parachuted away that day. The Japanese sent small boats out to try to capture him, but American airplanes arrived to force the Japanese boats back. The pilot was swimming in the open ocean far from any nearby ships when an American submarine suddenly breached the water in front of him and rescued him.
  That pilot then went on to become the 41st President of the United States.
- they should also sport appropriate codpieces to match their raging egos
- Hell yeah! Modern leaders are fucking cowards. Don't start a war if you're not going to fight in it yourself!
  
  Hey tbf at least here in the States these guys are reaching their 80s...

Guillotines obviously.
- guillotines are renaissance era.
  
  Giant shirtless executioners then, I guess.
  
  See, that kind of back talk puts you first in line for the period-inaccurate execution.
  
  Coinciding (by happenstance no doubt) with the fall of monarchies.
  
  Does it matter if they are meant specifically for the ruling class?
- .

- I dunno, that was invented to make beheadings more humane...let's go back to an axe.
- That's not cool man...
  They said medieval, that is way too late.

Regicide.

Peasant uprisings, to take down the kings of today.
- Let's do an EU4 Dithmarschen world conquest run from here on out.
- be the change you want to see in the world
- Medieval peasant uprisings were inevitably put down and the perpetrators brutally massacred, and also their families.
  The first successful uprisings weren't until the 1800s.

Beheading kings.

Cloaks would be cool. I know that's more of a fantasy aesthetic than a medieval one but they are cool enough that it shouldn't matter.
- I have a cloak vendor bookmarked. I haven't pulled the trigger because I don't know if I wanna be the cloak guy, but dammit I want a cloak.
  
  You can't just say this without posting the link to the cloak vendor!
  
  My big wool cloak is my absolute favorite winter garment. It is unbelievably warm and cozy, blocks wind better than any other coat I own, and as an added bonus I can wrap someone else up in it with me to keep THEM warm.
  I am unabashedly the cloak girl. Bring back cloaks!
  
  I got a wool blanket. I'm sure there's away to fold/drape into a cloak.
  Just looked into it. just need a pin!
- Medieval aesthetics also really had cloaks, but big detached hoods were more common.
  
  These are pretty cool too!
  
  gonna find some merry men and get a band going!
- Cloaks are actually quite historical, they're very easy to make and useful in a variety of conditions.
- There's quite a community on reddit about bringing cloaks back: https://old.reddit.com/r/TheCapeRevolution/

Catapults, just to irritate the trebuchet people.
- Did you just insult the superior siege weapon?
- As I understand it, the trebuchet is technically a catapult, I think you are trying to undermine it by referring to the lowly mangonel which is certainly inferior.
  
  If my Age of Empires knowledge serves, you can just crank out a pantload of mangonels and start blasting before the trebuchets have time to set up and reduce your town to rubble

Inns, especially if they've got an enormous pot of perpetual stew, and people are giving out quests.
- That sounds an awful lot like restaurants and jobs...
  
  Yes, but tavern wenches are assumed to be included.
- There was perpetual stew?
  
  Still is, according to legend
- Inns like that existed during the enlightenment up through the invention of the railroad. In the medieval era you slept in a church or maybe someone's home.
  
  Inns existed in large cities during the medieval period.

Guillotines for kings

The stockade is something we desperately need. Some people need to learn how other people see them. Driving 50mph in a living area, stockade. Making a lot of noise at 6 in the morning, believe it or not, stockade. Being a racist cunt, straight to the stockade.
- This was one of the really interesting plot elements in World War Z, where towards the end of the war where they couldn't really afford to be wasting resources on prisons, they brought back corporal and public punishment. They'd put people in stockades to let the entire community know they were caught doing something like stealing their neighbor's firewood, or publicly lashing executives who were war-profiteering, and only imprisoning the absolute worst offenders who were incapable of integrating back into society.
  For a silly zombie novel, it honestly has a phenomenal amount of prettt interesting social commentary, and is absolutely worth a listen to the unabridged audiobook.
- Let's bring back paddlin' while we're at it
  
  That's a paddlin'.
- ... And masochists? Please be specific.
  
  Comfy bed.
- I genuinely, honestly, 100% believe you should be able to option for physical punishment when being reprimanded for minor things. Pepper spray to the face, electric shock, mild caning, etc. Anything that would have little to no harm, even in the short term, but hurts like a removed. I don't think you should be able to sentence someone to pain, but that the person being sentenced should be able to choose pain instead.

Trebuchets - the superior siege engine. (Disclaimer: probably not medieval)
- Nah you're spot on there. Trebuchets are absolutely mediaeval.
  
  Mediaeviael
  
  Invented in ancient China.
- Guess that makes me king of my own domain! 😆

Cloaks and leather boots

Dueling. I say we use it as an option to reply to a civil lawsuit. Able bodied adults only, no proxies, and if you refuse then you have to do a trial and they can weigh your refusal as evidence against you.
Swords only, no guns.
- The last formal duel in the western hemisphere, occured in 1968. Pretty sure some lemming were already alive at this time, and most of us had parents alive at this time. It was between two french politicians after a heated argument at the parliament.
  So it could come back quite quickly.
  
  Omg I found how to get rid of lepen! BRB saving my country
- Benefit is that dueling was primarily done by rich white guys over issues of ego, so our tech CEOs would fit in just nicely whilst having the join benefit of removing half of them from the gene pool
  
  I know people who have swordsmanship experience that would to totally sue Musky over privacy violations and choose trial by combat.
- I demand trial by combat!
- A good melee never hurt anyone.
- Can you still name a champion?
  
  It could be a Facebook profile entry!

Royalty and nobility taking part in actual on-the-ground warfare. I'd be curious if that would have any effect on military operations...
- You think they used to mingle with commoners during an assault? They'd be up on the high ground.
  I think the movie Braveheart gives a rather accurate representation of how warfare was in medieval times 🫣
  
  I didn't say anything about reverting back to medieval weaponry or battle tactics. More than a couple ways to make their ears ring these days even if they aren't the tip of the spear.
  
  the movie Braveheart gives a rather accurate representation
  That loud, earth-rumbling moan was the sound of every historian turning over in their grave.
- nobility taking part in actual on-the-ground warfare.
  Weren't Diana's kids as involved as they were allowed? Chopper pilots and medics and stuff?
  
  Hats off to them! Where are the rest?
  The US doesn't do conscription. We have something of an economic draft in this country. There's a whole different conversation to be had about that. I suspect a non-zero change to the frequency and motivations behind our deployments to follow if we make earning privilege compulsory. Our veterans services would likely look a fair bit different as well.

Mandatory longbow training for yoemen and yoewomen. Let's get those skills trained up in case we're ever facing a charge of French knights.
- That's what the "well-regulated militia" of the 2nd amendment was already supposed to be (give or take longbows vs. guns)
- I’d volunteer for this. Fuck those French knights

Receiving land for farting good.

Fucking guillotines already
- Isn't that more of a renaissance thing
  
  Well another medieval thing we're bringing back is not learning history
  
  The last time France used it was in 1977, so while it might have started a while back they only stopped using it less than 50 years ago.

Sorcery, alchemy, soothsaying, baby. Come one come all I'll cure what ails you. I'll summon portals and turn lead into #gold.
Or maybe the town crier. Hear ye, hear ye, elon musk hast tweeted about his balls.
- To be fair, quacks that claim to be able to do magical stuff are still around, some do quite well well for themselves even

I guess we could use a little ice age right around now, and it would also be nice to have a Renaissance around the corner.
Someone said inns and taverns, and yes it's a missing piece of housing here - long term hotels with food, bars/restaurants with rooms to rent above.
Not much though, it is not a time I'd visit.
- Someone said inns and taverns,
  They're just called pubs nowadays and many of them are still in business, with drink, food and music downstairs, and rooms for sleeping upstairs.
  The one in my neighbourhood is newly reopened and serves fancy craft beer these days, but the basics are actually pretty much unchanged since a tavern first opened in that house sometime in the 1640s.
- The medieval ice age sounded miserable though

Random pedestals with swords driven into them lol
- Maybe a system where strange women lying in ponds distributing swords might actually be better
  
  Sounds like a rather farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  Can't hurt at this point.

Weird ass slices in public parks everybody has to garden in. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open-field_system
- ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) How many ass slices per person?
  
  Just take 1, they're pre-sliced for your convenience.
  
  Yes

Kings, plagues, private armies (more late medieval and renaissance, but you get the idea), career military with hi-tech weapons tearing apart barely armed peasants. Idk, OP, seems like we got almost everything covered

I would love it if taverns became a thing again, but only if they kept the time period theme up.
- Taverns kind of are a thing, they're just called hotels now.
  
  Unfortunately they have a significantly lower focus on alcohol and food - a stark lack of mead and mutton in particular.
- They're just called pubs nowadays and many of them are still in business, with drink, food and music downstairs, and rooms for sleeping upstairs.
  The one in my neighbourhood is newly reopened and serves fancy craft beer these days, but the basics are actually pretty much unchanged since a tavern first opened in that house sometime in the 1640s.

Bathhouses. The local Quicklee's just doesn't do it.

Doug Rushkoff had a talk where he called out local currency as a thing he’d like to bring back from the medieval.
Exclusive to the community, and only valid for a short period of time, so you can’t hoard it or siphon the wealth to another community.
Edit:
Found a blog post about it: https://archive.rushkoff.com/articles/local-money.html
It doesn't say anything about it being temporary, although he does mention that in his talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRWzOdUiqQE
- Good luck having global trade with that.
  
  I think Rushkoff's notion was that new local currencies would be in addition to central currency. It just allows businesses to give a discount to transactions that will keep the wealth inside the community.
  It's a neat idea, I just don't know how you would protect it from financial services turning it into yet another abstract tradable asset that undermines the original purpose.
- Why would someone prefer that over money that can hold value over time? When I die I don't want my wife to have to jump through hoops.
  
  Added some links to my original comment.
  It's not instead of central currency, but in addition to it.
  The advantage is that businesses can transact with less conventional liquidity so they don't have to rely on bank loans. This allows them to charge less to customers who use the local currency.
  In the long term, this makes money [in general -- both kinds] move slightly faster within the local market, which makes the money [both kinds] more valuable [within the community]. And since the money [again, both kinds] is staying in the local market, the community's wealth is less likely to be drained by external speculators.
- Doesn't that already exist in parts of the US? I know the UK and Germany have it.

Can we get guilds back?
- Insular industry groups with a monopoly on a certain craft or ability to perform a service? Big Tech is already fulfilling that role

Dragons

I unplug for a few days and this pops up on my feed. ??????????
- Welcome to the internet.
  Have a look around.

The commons

I could be down for small beer being the main thing we drink.

Free time
- You seriously think they had more free time?

Trebuchets, which btw are far superior to catapults.

Chaperon hats.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh!
JOUSTING!
We can do it with motorcycles this time instead of horses!
OH ALSO
Private Military contractors should begin to dress like crosses between clowns and noble-knights again.
(hours later addendum) Bowing as a form of social greeting. We REALLY missed a beat when we didn't bring this back when COVID made people afraid of getting too close to each other.
- I watched the Knights of Valor (full contact jousting troupe) perform at the Glengarry Renaissance Fair a month ago.
  It was the most exciting sporting event I have ever seen. I want it normalised in arenas where the knights have sponsorships and good insurance.
  
  [sicko voice] Yes. HA HA HA. YES
  
  If I recal, only lords or people from royalty where able to not only afford the armor but they where the only ones who could compete...
  So the jousters would be congressmen right?

I just really like walking around eating giant turkey legs.
- This has never been forbidden.

I recently got into armored combat so, knights. If we're gonna kill each other, let's at least be civilized!

A blowtorch and a pair of pliers.

Moats. I was kidding at first, but I'm now thinking lazy rivers are modern moats.
- Moats were cool until I learned that toileting holes were often positioned such that the urine and feces wash down into the moat. I'm gonna have to take a pass on that lazy river....

Grand journeys to far off lands. The kind of journey where someone who is "exotic" and personable can make a life for themselves by being the court foreigner.
Also: Judicial duels. They are unjust, unethical, and unproductive, but damn if I don't want to see white collar criminals have to fight the selected champion of all the folks they ripped off. Of course, being a billionaire would probably buy you a pretty good champion yourself, so we'd also have to bring back old concepts of honor to compel them to represent themselves.
- I'm not sure about trial by combat. White collar criminals can just pay for a champion to represent them, and if they had to represent themselves they could certainly afford to switch up their schedules a bit so as to be well-trained in combat.
  
  Oh, judicial duels have always been bad, tending to favor the wealthy who can afford training. The pistol duel was once considered egalitarian because you were just as likely to miss your opponent regardless of how much you trained. For most of the 20th century (until the 90s) Uruguay had legalized dueling. It was mostly used by politicians and the powerful to muder journalists and lawyers who "defamed" them.
  But if we are already living in a period where the rich act with impunity anyway, I want a world where there's a nonzero chance that we get to watch Elon Musk take an estoc to the face because of a twitter argument.